I want to be good enough - TMI probably

  Yeah, self confidence has been issue for me for years.  My sister was the "golden child", I experienced extensive childhood sexual abuse, my dad watched it happen etc etc etc.  ..... it all went downhill from there and I learned I wasn't good enough.   I was always called fat, but looking at pictures, I wasn't overweight until high school.  Then it was overweight to super morbidly obese.  I became even "less" the more I gained.

  NOW I have lost around 170lbs counting the 36 lost before surgery. I have lost over 70".  Where I once waddled through parking lots hearing small children say "why is she so big?" I can now run (very short) 7.0 sprints on the treadmill.  I workout very hard with my personal trainer, who has told me multiple times I am one of her favorite and best clients because I never say "no"  or "I can't".... I try everything she tells me to do and I push myself to a new level every session.
   I walk / jog at least one 5k every month and my time improves every race. I have just sent off my registration to join a local sprint triathlon training group so I can participate in a Tri in October.

  And I am petrified of not being good enough. Of being rejected or them telling me I don't belong. That I will fail and they will laugh.

Yeah, I am in counseling and I adore my counselor, so I will bring this up to him  (other issues to talk about this Friday... I have my annual next week TMI).


 I don't know what I am asking.  Maybe I am not asking anything, just trying to sort through it in my head.... even seeing my accomplishments in black and white, I just feel like I can't belong.

I am sorry you have been through so much. I haven't been where you are in terms of the emotional abuse so I don't have any answers for you. I would only ask, who are you trying to be good enough for? You don't owe anyone except yourself anything. Truely! You are so impressive with what you have accomplished and what you are doing. And anyone who doesn't accept you for who you are is not worthy of being your friend. So screw them!

I think you need to learn to be good enough for yourself, and then you won't worry about what others think of you.

Good luck!
Hugs!
Jan

 Thanks.  I think I am just in a bad place right now. It hasn't happened much since surgery, but I haven't attempted anything as huge (physically OR socially) as this training program.  I am pretty freaked out   :)

Hi there!

First of all, congrats on your weight loss.  You are great!!  I also suffered sexual abuse between 4 and 12 from my father so I can understand how you feel.  For myself, when I started feeling better about myself, was when I forgave my father and released him.  He no longer had that hold on my life. 

I am so proud of you and your accomplishments when it comes to running.  I have been struggling with going to the gym regularly.  I can't wait to lose my weight

Keep up the excellent work!!

Alvina

Thanks for sharing.... I'm sorry you can relate  :(

   I have felt SO much better about myself, but this is just a big, new scary venture into the unknown.  I hate to fail

Sometimes just writting it down helps!  You are worth every pound you lose and more.  You are worth every minute your trainer spends with you.  You are worth to be loved and cared for.  You are worthly of good health. You are strong and beautiful!

thank you for believing that for me

I feel your pain sista! I see you on this board all the time and see you encouraging and helping others. You offer advice and share so much of yourself here. I am sorry you are feeling this way, I do understand some of it though.

You have come so far in your battle, this is all about the journey and the changes you are making will lead down the road of health and a better life for you. There is a certain amount of disconnect associated with massive weight loss, your brain has not caught up with your body yet. My therapist said about 3 years-----

As far as the triathlon, I am going to bet that most of the people there are going to weigh within 20-25 pounds of your weight. I remember early out from my surgery I went sledding and in the middle of the hill, the tow rope stopped. I just assumed I was too heavy and had stopped the rope. After the initial panic, I looked around and realized that most of the people at the hill were probably within a few pounds of what I weighed and that the rope probably stopped for another reason, not me. It is all in our perception of ourselves, I know you can do it!

This is all part of the journey, I am glad you have a good therapist, it is essential. All my best to you and for the record, I am very proud of you, you are brave, amazing and an inspiration to all of us.

thanks...
  I have done the same thing as you re; the rope.  I was doing a spin class just a couple of weeks ago and one of our cool down stretches you hold onto the bike and kind of squat.  I pulled too hard and the bike (barely) tipped. I was mortified.  I told counselor "of course it happened to the biggest person in there"  and he said he hopes one day instead of looking around thinking I am the biggest person, I will think "I wonder who else has lost over 150lbs?"

Thank you.

Spin class..........  Just wanted you to know that I have been spinning for about 4 week and the instructure still has to help me up onto the bike and fix the buckle straps for my feet. 

Yoga class........I have to make sure that I am far enough away from others because I usually land on my butt about a mile away from my mat.

I won't even get to it ........what happens..........when I walk and chew gum.

You keep going girl!  You have the courage and strength and it shows.  You decided to have this surgery and change your life.  Don't let anything stand in your way.  You reclaim your body.  You are now in charge of what happens to your body and not anybody else.  You claim it for the little girl whos innocents was taken away from.  The little girl who could not protect hersel (because she was just a little girl) f and no one came to her rescue.  Show the little girl that you are going to take care of her from now on and that she does not have to be afraid.

You are strong and hear you ROAR!