I want to be good enough - TMI probably
I completely understand what you're saying! I, like too many people, understand the pain of childhood trauma. Sexual abuse at the hands of SEVERAL family members for years and years... and much worse.
I often feel like an outsider. I am HORRIBLY shy and I seem to be able to come out of my shell ONLY when I am at work (or online, but if I face confrontation online it's usually enough to send me into tears and stop me from participating on the site again). I have no real life friends, interacting with other people (except in the workplace) freaks me out! I dread family gatherings, parties, etc... but, have always longed to go and enjoy them. Sometimes, if I force myself to go, I end up having a good time. (Never parties... but, I have forced myself to go to family gatherings or [my worst nightmare] meeting the family members or friends of my S.O.). I have dreamed of things like hosting a BBQ or going camping. (I have been camping one time. I was dating a guy that worked for the same company I did. He was super close friends with our boss. I got invited because I was "the girlfriend". It was a big deal.. lots of people... lots of planning. The guy and I broke up like a week before the event, but we decided to go together anyway. I didn't talk to anyone or join in, but... I had a blast jus****ching everyone else have so much fun. Pathetic, right? What's worse? It was probably one of the best times (socially speaking) of my entire life. I'm 40.
I'm tired of jus****ching other people live. My kids are grown (less than a year left for the baby.. she'll be 18 in December), and I PANIC at what I will do when I don't have my children to mother/interact with. I have my S.O. whom I ADORE, but I can't depend on him to be my only real life contact.
I need therapy, but can't afford it just yet. (September... just waiting until September. Then, therapy HERE I COME!!)
Ok, I didn't mean to hijack your post, and I should probably just have made this into a blog, but I got a little excited knowing that there is someone out there who understands what it's like to try REALLY hard and still feel less than adequate.
I often feel like an outsider. I am HORRIBLY shy and I seem to be able to come out of my shell ONLY when I am at work (or online, but if I face confrontation online it's usually enough to send me into tears and stop me from participating on the site again). I have no real life friends, interacting with other people (except in the workplace) freaks me out! I dread family gatherings, parties, etc... but, have always longed to go and enjoy them. Sometimes, if I force myself to go, I end up having a good time. (Never parties... but, I have forced myself to go to family gatherings or [my worst nightmare] meeting the family members or friends of my S.O.). I have dreamed of things like hosting a BBQ or going camping. (I have been camping one time. I was dating a guy that worked for the same company I did. He was super close friends with our boss. I got invited because I was "the girlfriend". It was a big deal.. lots of people... lots of planning. The guy and I broke up like a week before the event, but we decided to go together anyway. I didn't talk to anyone or join in, but... I had a blast jus****ching everyone else have so much fun. Pathetic, right? What's worse? It was probably one of the best times (socially speaking) of my entire life. I'm 40.
I'm tired of jus****ching other people live. My kids are grown (less than a year left for the baby.. she'll be 18 in December), and I PANIC at what I will do when I don't have my children to mother/interact with. I have my S.O. whom I ADORE, but I can't depend on him to be my only real life contact.
I need therapy, but can't afford it just yet. (September... just waiting until September. Then, therapy HERE I COME!!)
Ok, I didn't mean to hijack your post, and I should probably just have made this into a blog, but I got a little excited knowing that there is someone out there who understands what it's like to try REALLY hard and still feel less than adequate.
You're fine posting here! I appreciate you sharing. If I am with my 2 close friends, I can talk and joke and be fun. Anymore than that? or people I don't know? Chances are they will forget I am there!
As for therapy - if you belong to a religious organization you might check with them - the local office of my denomination is where I go and they have a sliding scale.
I will be 40 in August, and I SOOOO want to accept myself enough to be me to other people by then.
As for therapy - if you belong to a religious organization you might check with them - the local office of my denomination is where I go and they have a sliding scale.
I will be 40 in August, and I SOOOO want to accept myself enough to be me to other people by then.
I've found that meditation teaches how to remove negative thinking; if you find a negative thought intruding on your mind, just tell yourself to stop thinking it. I know it sounds dumb, but it works. Think about something else, something positive.
Not thinking about a purple giraffe is impossible; thinking about a lovely flower or a wonderful walk on the beach is possible.
If you're thinking the positive thought, you are not thinking of the purple giraffe.
Not thinking about a purple giraffe is impossible; thinking about a lovely flower or a wonderful walk on the beach is possible.
If you're thinking the positive thought, you are not thinking of the purple giraffe.
Ok Chic time to take a deep breath and chillllll.
The point of these Tri groups is to introduce and help newbies get into the sport. Triathlons are one of the fastest growing sports in the world! Thousands of people of all shapes and sizes turn out to anything from a Sprint to an Ironman.
While every sport has it's fair share of Douche Bags and I am willing to bet there are more than a few in the Tri scene these type of people would never lower themselves to work with n00bs. The people in the local Tri clubs and groups like what you are joining are people that love their sport and want others to accell at the sport so they will develop a love for it as well.
Anyone doing coaching and hereing stories like ours will develop a sense of respect for you putting it all on the line. The only person you risk letting down is yourself by not giving 110% (Another shout out to LOU from Celebrity Apprentice), but we both know that isn't going to happen. YOu have a wealth of knowledge on this forum and direct access to coaches. You met the base requirements all you have left to do is work your ass off and rock your race.
The point of these Tri groups is to introduce and help newbies get into the sport. Triathlons are one of the fastest growing sports in the world! Thousands of people of all shapes and sizes turn out to anything from a Sprint to an Ironman.
While every sport has it's fair share of Douche Bags and I am willing to bet there are more than a few in the Tri scene these type of people would never lower themselves to work with n00bs. The people in the local Tri clubs and groups like what you are joining are people that love their sport and want others to accell at the sport so they will develop a love for it as well.
Anyone doing coaching and hereing stories like ours will develop a sense of respect for you putting it all on the line. The only person you risk letting down is yourself by not giving 110% (Another shout out to LOU from Celebrity Apprentice), but we both know that isn't going to happen. YOu have a wealth of knowledge on this forum and direct access to coaches. You met the base requirements all you have left to do is work your ass off and rock your race.
Paul C.
First 5K 9/27/20 46:32 - 11 weeks post op (PR 28:55 8/15/11)
First 10K 7/04/2011 1:03 First 15K 9/18/2011 1:37
First Half Marathon 10/02/2011 2:27:44 (PR 2:24:35)
First Half Ironman 9/30/12 7:32:04
First 5K 9/27/20 46:32 - 11 weeks post op (PR 28:55 8/15/11)
First 10K 7/04/2011 1:03 First 15K 9/18/2011 1:37
First Half Marathon 10/02/2011 2:27:44 (PR 2:24:35)
First Half Ironman 9/30/12 7:32:04
Of course it does cause I am cool like that! 
As I am sure you are quickly learning when it comes to who we can be our brains and past can be our worst enemies.
The week going into my first Tri I totally wanted to puke and I was doing it with 3 friends, who believed I could do it more than I believed I could.
Real fact! I had not actually rode a bike more than 4 miles on the the street going into my race, because of weather and crap. All my training had been spin classes and a couple hours on my bike in the trainer, so you talk about wanting to **** yourself.
I wished the money gods worked in my favor and I would come do it with ya but ya know how life goes.
Trust in your trainer, trust in your coach, trust in your training and most of all BELIEVE in yourself. Like many of us that have taken the path you are choosing the ability to fail becomes foreign, because the only way to fail is to never tri!
Oh yeah this effing sport gets expensive so I hope you get a good tax return next year because you will want to drop it all on a good tri bike $$$$$$$
As I am sure you are quickly learning when it comes to who we can be our brains and past can be our worst enemies.
The week going into my first Tri I totally wanted to puke and I was doing it with 3 friends, who believed I could do it more than I believed I could.
Real fact! I had not actually rode a bike more than 4 miles on the the street going into my race, because of weather and crap. All my training had been spin classes and a couple hours on my bike in the trainer, so you talk about wanting to **** yourself.
I wished the money gods worked in my favor and I would come do it with ya but ya know how life goes.
Trust in your trainer, trust in your coach, trust in your training and most of all BELIEVE in yourself. Like many of us that have taken the path you are choosing the ability to fail becomes foreign, because the only way to fail is to never tri!
Oh yeah this effing sport gets expensive so I hope you get a good tax return next year because you will want to drop it all on a good tri bike $$$$$$$
Paul C.
First 5K 9/27/20 46:32 - 11 weeks post op (PR 28:55 8/15/11)
First 10K 7/04/2011 1:03 First 15K 9/18/2011 1:37
First Half Marathon 10/02/2011 2:27:44 (PR 2:24:35)
First Half Ironman 9/30/12 7:32:04
First 5K 9/27/20 46:32 - 11 weeks post op (PR 28:55 8/15/11)
First 10K 7/04/2011 1:03 First 15K 9/18/2011 1:37
First Half Marathon 10/02/2011 2:27:44 (PR 2:24:35)
First Half Ironman 9/30/12 7:32:04
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