I still think I'm right, but I may have gone too far.

 First of all, I feel ya.  I really do.

However, I don't think how he responded was inappropriate at all.

You wanted a donut, he supported you in not eating one.  You made excuses to justify one and he called you on it basically.  If you were truelly joking then how he responded would not have rubbed you as wrong as it did.

I know when I get in that mindset, no matter what someone else says, it's gonn **** me off.  Support me and try to talk me out of it - I'm gonna get mad because you are trying to tell me what to eat or do.  Tell me to do whatever, I'm STILL gonna get mad because you aren't supporting me like you should.

We just have to own our own issues with food and be angry at ourselves, not someone else.

I hope you didn't eat the donut.  Evil little buggers.  :)

He said he didn't care, but he obviously does because he wouldn't have mentioned that you were at your max for the day.  You were trying to rationalize having a donut and he knew he wasn't going to be able to talk you out of it.  So what is he supposed to do?  Start an argument about it?  Because there was no way he was going to win, right?  If he kept saying that you shouldn't have one, you would have pressed the issue.  If he agreed that you should let yourself have one, then he wouldn't be supporting your WLS goals.  Either way, he loses.  So he punted, and I for one don't blame him a bit.  He didn't abandon you. You put him in a situation where, no matter what he says, he's wrong, and that wasn't fair.  In my opinion, you should apologize.

 I think you're putting too much responsibility on him. He's obviously a really supportive guy.  However, he should not be the food police. It's a really bad idea for your relationship.  It really is up to you to eat your donut, and you shouldn't be expecting him to put himself in the way of the donut.

The way my husband and I handle this is that  I buy foods that I'm allowed to eat.  He will go out and buy his own treats, staying away from my own triggers.  For his birthday last night, I bought him a Key Lim Pie, and I cut myself a tiny little sliver.  That was quite enough for me.  Tom will now eat the rest, probably before I even know it.

I'm sure he might made a comment about something, but mostly, my job is to keep the responsibility on me for eating stuff, and to give him smothering hugs when he expresses concern.

I know I'm suggesting you are wrong here, but the path you are on will lead to co-dependency problems. 

Hey Guys... thanks for the comments. This was my first "hot topic", and a hot topic indeed.

Let me just start out with a few things .... My therapist may have to decide if I was joking or not, but in the end, I had no conscious intent to go get a donut(even had I gotten my hubby's "permission"). Sure, did a donut sound good? Always! Was I on my way to Dunkin? No. 

I don't want my husband to police me. I'm doing that myself. I don't expect him to get up and run for me, or go to power lifting, or swat a carb from my hand. I know this is all me, both up and down the scale. Incidentally, I just got back from the gym and I have broken my stall! I've been logging every single morsel that passes my mouth on myfitnesspal, and the hubs is way supportive and helpful.

I completely understand his frustration in watching me fight this battle for so long and then see me talk about caving... joking or not.

We did end the evening last night with me apologizing for saying things that make him feel bad. But I did want to express, and still do, that when he says "I don't care", it hurts. I'm not saying he was wrong about ANYTHING. But, even if he's justified, it hurts. Just like it hurts him to see me stray, or even talk about it. He really is the best in every way.

Thanks for all the comments. It really does make me open my (red, puffy, swollen) eyes. I appreciate you guys!

we've had similar conversations at my house - but the other way around (with me vs hubby). It can be VERY difficult when one partner asks for support and encouragement, but doesn't want to feel like they are being treated like a child. If one of us feels like we're being supportive and the other is argumentative, then the one can feel like they are doing what has been asked but it's not being listened to.

He probably had no way of knowing if you were joking (and even though, not 100% joking), so he was probably just doing what he felt was right. I TOTALLY understand about the 'not caring' remark being frustrating and hurtful. From my experience with guys though, they don't mean it the same 'all or nothing' like we do. When my dh says it, it's not that he doesn't care at ALL, it's that he doesn't care about that particular choice.

The "I don't care" response was in frustration to him trying to be supportive and you trying to undermine things. Your comment was said by your "inner child" having a temper tantrum because she wanted to do something "naughty" and was trying to change the mind of the person who is doing exactly what he is suppose to be doing - and that is to support you.

Time to apologize.

Hi Heather, I am sure you have read all the other responses... isn't it great to have all these other people to run things by?  Anyhoo, there is one thing in your first letter that I thought I might be able to help with... When Men get mad, they retreat to their "CAVES", which is anywhere they can be alone in thought or actually alone. Supposedly it is to lick their wounds and figure out their next move... but it's at that time, that we most want to go at them !  I have been happily married for over 15 yrs now, because I learned that the hard way from my first marriage...  so if he is upset and doesn' t know how to help you or is mad, when he retreats in any way, let him have his time.  It really does sound like he is a good, supportive husband, it prob just hurts him because he can't "FIX" this problem for you... My husband says that all the time, "that when a man's wife is hurting or has a problem, that they want to be the one to fix everything and be your hero!"  It is very frustrating when they can't fix it for us...  somehow, they feel like they aren't doing their job!  I am sure that sounds old fashioned, but  I do love my Rhett Butler taking care of me!!  GOOD LUCK!  

Very good notes. I did apologize, but if he'll allow it, I will do so again until we're at a truce.

I honestly think your hubby is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

If he did push further you might have gone off anyway, resenting him being the food police.

We saw what happened when he did not push.

I am a big fan (not just with hubby's tho cuz I don't have one) of not putting loved ones in such positions.

You knew you shouldn't have the donut. He said why he thought you shouldn't. You kept going with it. At that point he's in a bad situation. Maybe he didn't make the best choice but you also did not put him in the position to make the best choice.

I hope you two made up today.

This journey is a learning experience in many ways.  It dawned on me after a few weeks that everything evolved around my WLS journey in my home.  Although my husband is great about it, I started thinking how it must feel for him that 24/7 everything was "all about me".  So, I now make a conscious effort to not dwell on me.  I know what I need to do and do it.  I come to OH to be with others on the journey and it helps me to not be "all about me" all the time when my husband comes home or family is here.  I put the scale away weeks ago and only get it out every 2 or 3 wks to make a log in my journal.  I find this easier for my peace of mind.