anxiety and family functions

I have been dealing with pretty significant anxiety for at least a few months now.  I am on meds for it.  I have Buspar, which I take three times a day which is supposed to reduce anxiety, and then I have Visteril which I take as needed for anxiety.  I'm not sure the Buspar is doing anything, but the Visteril does help when I talk it.

All sorts of things make me anxious.  I have a real hard time with crowds.  Lots of people make me anxious, and lots of noise.

Part of it is related to the depression, I think.  When my depression is severe, which it has been for a really long time now (I'm wondering if it's ever going to get better, these bad episodes used to only last a few months at a time but now it's been about a year and a half), I get really easily overwhelmed.  Too much stimulation is hard for me to deal with.    Being with a big group of people is hard.  It's hard to follow conversations and I feel lost.

Plus I've been overly emotional lately.  I cry really easily.  The other day I was crying at the grocery store because I couldn't bend down to pick up some protein bars.

So I have been avoiding family fuctions lately.  It's too much stimulation for me and I get embarrassed about having trouble following a conversation, or crying at something that doesn't seem worth crying over.  Eh, my partner's family always likes to play cards at family gatherings, too.  When I had ECT a little over a year ago, I experienced significant memory loss.  I can't remember how to play any of the games they like to play.  So when they want me to play, I don't want to because I don't remember how, but I'm embarrassed to say that.

Tomorrow they are having a cookout for Father's day and I don't want to go.  It's going to be too many people there and too overwhelming for me.  But I feel bad about not going to family functions.  I don't want them to think I don't like them or don't want to spend time with them.  And I have spent some time with my partner's parents, like we've gone out to dinner with them a couple times, just the four of us, and I can handle that.  It's when his brothers and their families are all there too that it's too much.  But I'm worried about insulting them by not going.  And my partner told me his dad called him the other day to say that they would be grilling stuffed portobella mushrooms, I think mainly so they will have something I can eat so I don't have to bring my own food.  Which is very thoughtful but makes me feel even worse if I don't go and they went to some trouble to fix something for me.

I don't know what to do.  Anybody got any suggestions?

i'm sorry you are struggling with this. I used to struggle quite a bit with depression and mania. Everyone is different, but for me personally, i would never want to go be with people when i was in a bad mental place. i always felt better once i did go however. (from a spiritual perspective, our 'vibrational energy' will raise when we are around higher energy. being alone is one of the worst things imo).

but i DO understand being overwhelmed. Is it possible to go and be in a less stressful area? I understand being embarrassed to talk about things like memory loss, but if they are understanding, i bet they would work with you. The would probably rather re teach you then to not have your company.

It might be possible for me to drive myself and just stay for a little while.

I don't know if I will feel better once I go or not.  I know that's often the way things work, we worry about them and then they turn out to be no big deal, and getting out of the house does often help with depression.  That works for me most of the time when I'm having mild to moderate depression, but when it's really severe, I think I do better when I spend a lot of time by myself.  It's like it takes all my concentration and energy just to do the bare basics every day.  Interacting with other people takes so much more energy. 

And it's like all my coping skills and problem solving skills fly out the window and the littlest things become crises.  And little things are less likely to go wrong if I stay home than when I go places.  And I'm forgetful and, I don't know, prone to making little mistakes that normally would be no big deal but are when the depression is this bad.  Like, due to the forgetfulness, I am much more likely than normal to do something like lock my keys in my car or misplace my wallet or stop to buy gas only to find I forgot to bring any money with me or make a wrong turn driving somewhere and get lost, etc.  Little things that normally I could handle pretty easily, but when the depression is bad like this, those little things seem like immense obstacles and I can't figure out how to handle them.  So it feels much, much safer to just stay home.

I suggest you go on your own for a pre-determined amount of time; then, beg off with a prior commitment (even if that commitment is to YOURSELF). You will satisfy the family, satisfy the significant other, and satisfy yourself. A small victory like this may give you the confidence to try bigger things.

good luck and let us know how it goes.

I completely understand the feelings you are having.  I spent the majority of my life feeling the same way!  I agree with Wendy, you will feel better if you DO go.  I NEVER wanted to be around people (especially my loud family) when I was depressed, but the times I didn't have a choice and went anyway it made me feel much better. 

Maybe you could drive your own car or make an agreement with your partner that you don't stay too long?  That way you have an 'out' if needed?

I feel for you, I remember that horrible feeling.  But it is true, the more you push yourself to do the things you want to avoid the better you will feel.  (But pushing yourself is easier said than done, I know) 

I hopw you feel better soon!  Life is too precious and passes to quickly to let depression win!

Taking my own car might work.  Sometimes when my partner and I agree we aren't going to stay very long, we end up staying longer than we agreed on.  If I have my own car, then he won't feel rushed and I won't feel trapped.  Thanks.

I absolutely ALWAYS take my own car.  Works like a charm - and since I haven't been exactly healthy physically or emotionally everyone understands.  And they appreciate the fact that I have made the effort to show up and be "a part of" instead of "apart from".

Most folks really do attempt to understand.  Plus that way my hubby and daughter stay as long as they want and no one feels bad.

fyi, my daughter throws a HUGE Father's Day gathering every year so I totally get where you are coming from.  It's never my favorite weekend, but I try to ignore the guilt and concentrate on just being there for  however long I can stand it.

Good luck Kelly=)

I'm thinking taking my own car is a very good idea.

 You're in a hard place. I think I understand, although my depression hasn't been as long-lasting as what you're describing.

I've got social phobia and anxiety, and only feel comfortable in a large group when I can hang back and watch from a safe, detached place. All my early life people ragged on me about being aloof, or at least shy or "too quiet". I hate those people.

Is your partner's family nice about letting you be quietly on the sidelines? If they're not, I think I would not go, and tell your partner why. If they'll let you be yourself, is it possible for you to have an okay time if you know before and during the party that no one will make demands on you?

I also manage better if I can have an ongoing task so I don't have to socialize. 

I'm sorry you're having a rough emotional time. It probably is healthier to be around some people, as long as they're supportive and accepting. Your pard understands that you prefer small groups, right? And no demands like enforced card playing? ;-)

I think my partner understands that I prefer small groups but I think this is something I really need to talk to him about.  His family is usually pretty good at letting me sit on the sidelines if I want to.  And there will be enough people there that they won't really need me to have a good card game.  I might be able to take a book and just read or something.