anxiety and family functions

My husband has anxiety and depression. Sometimes we compromise by driving seperately. He'll stay through meal time then take off. I understand it is often all that he can handle. If we are out of town for a family gathering (my folks liove 2 hours away) sometimes he'll bring a book and retreat to a spare bedroom for a nap and a read.

There is a spare bedroom and I might be able to go in there by myself and read or something.  I worry that that would seem rude.  But then I worry that not going seems rude, too.

Its so hard struggling with depression.  I have myself most of my life.  You've all ready been given great suggestions and the only thing I would add is, if you can, try to see someone making food you can eat is an act of love and kindness and something they want to do for you.  Besides, who doesn't love stuffed portabellas?  You're in my thougths Kelly.
Paula

Thank you for pointing out that making food I can eat is an act of kindness.  It seems like that should be perfectly obvious but what can I say?  Depression tends to color everything, you know?  And yes, who doesn't love stuffed portobellas?

 I have anxiety linked to depression, so I understand what you are saying.  When we had two cars, I would take my own car to many events, and I would leave for a little while (sometimes just to get a cold can of soda) if things got too much for me.  A few times, I just went home early.  

I don't find that volunteering helps me at all.  If this were shyness, it would be a perfect opportunity, but for anxiety, placing obligations on me over and above just being there made the anxiety so much worse.  When I was younger, my grandmother and my mother always tried to get me to help with things, and it was horrible. However, I always did what I could.  When it was that TOM, my anxiety was always off the charts, and it would be a day of complete misery.

I used to get sick regularly when we'd have social events, and I started to wonder if it was psychosomatic.  Now, I give myself permission to excuse myself when it's my bedtime, and let my husband host the remainder of the party.   I'm honest with my friends about my situation, so they know that it's overstimulation, not their company.

And that's what I think you should do about the card games!  Everyone knows you have some issues.  You are still someone they want in their family.  Why not just be honest?  Say something like, "Wow... I haven't played this game for a long time, and I think I lost the rules along with most of my recollection of algebra and nuclear physics last fall when they tried that treatment... oh I forget what it was.  Could I get a refresher on the rules?"

You'll get a few laughs, and they'll love reminding you of the rules.  It'll be like introducing someone new to the game, which is always fun for a group.

 Ok, take your own car, because you need to leave at a decent time to come home and check on Cayenne since she had surgery.  This won't be lying because I would have all kinds of anxiety leaving one of my cats after they had surgery.  Jane

That's a good point.  She probably shouldn't be left alone for a long time two days after major surgery, especially given her diabetes and everything.  And she needs to get some medication early in the evening, and for that matter, be fed early in the evening.  Normally if I have something to do, I don't mind if the cats' dinner is late.  But she's lost a little weight recently and with her diabetes, I think it's more important for her to eat on time.  We've been controlling her diabetes pretty well with diet and a very small amount of insulin but feeding her at irregular times won't help with that.

It sounds like now you have a good plan - take your own car and leave early to take care of the cat - so I can't offer any advice. i just wanted to post and say I'm sorry you are struggling. I know how it feels. I spent many years living with depression and horrible anxiety. I wish you the best of luck tomorrow and I hope you start feeling better soon.

 I totally get it. It sucks, but like others suggested, taking your own car is a good option. You can leave when it gets to be too much, you know? I think it's better to make an appearance than not go at all. I know the depression/anxiety can be overwhelming, so definitely do what you feel comfortable with. 

On a side note, I'd talk to your psychiatrist about the Buspar. My mother was taking that for a while (for her mania episodes), but eventually switched to something else. (Trazadone? I think?) 

Good luck, and keep us posted. :)

The Buspar is supposed to be good for anxiety.  Trazadone I've used for sleep before but it makes me feel really drugged and hung over and I don't like it.  Once upon a time, it was used as an antidepressant but it's not used that way very much anymore because it is so heavily sedating.