OT - relationship stuff - I need some advice
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I don't really have any advice, well maybe I do, but even more importantly, I just wanted to send you a huge, warm, sloppy, teary, hug.
I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I don't think you need to necessarily see it as an ending but rather a beginning.
I'm not sure your partner is, or has been lying. I'm thinking his emotions are likely not even solidified in his own mind.
If he is feeling like he's in a caretaker role, than chances are he may be feeling a little burned out, like most caregivers do from time to time.
I think you are wise to not quickly move out, but I would suggest that you possibly evaluate and analyze the situation to see if there are places where you might be able to take the pressure off of him.
If you want to work this out with him, I would not harp on the lying and trust issue stuff because this is not going to strengthen your position.
If he feels that he has become your caretaker, than it's time for you to do as much as you can for yourself. Gain as much independence as you can back. Show him that you are in this relationship because you love him rather than need him.
Once the pressure is off him, he may begin to see you back in the light that drew him to you in the beginning. Either way, you have got to begin learning how to care for yourself because, in the event he is serious, you've got to be ready to move on to the next phase of your life.
Seriously, I don't see this as terminal, but more so a wake-up call that he's needing some relief from the pressure cooker he apparently feels he's in.
I so hope this turns around for you...
And, don't cancel that appointment. You need this, whether you eventually go or stay.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Perhaps that is why he took so long to tell you, because he knew you would react poorly.
Yes everyone gets old and we all need help from time to time. But he HAS been there for you through tough times. Just as I have been there for my husband through MANY tough times... I needed to call it quits once and have considered it before many times not because I don't want to "help" him but because I don't see him helpling himself.... My cut off point is when I have done all I can and its not good enough or that I see him not trying to help himself.
NO ONE would begrudge someone help if they can not help themselves at all... but if you become reliant on that person to do things for you that you really COULD do on your own they will start to feel used, under appreciated, and worn out.
You need to recognize that your trust issues are YOUR issues and not his, and in my opinion to project that problem on to him "I would never be able to trust him" ....isn't fair to him or the time, energy, effort, that he has invested in you (happy, sad, angry, scared, hurt, good, bad etc) for the last 9 years.
If Rob ever said to me after I tell him I can't do this anymore that he couldn't Trust me anymore ... I would walk out and never look back...that is a huge slap in the face for someone who has invested EVERYTHING into a relationship for so long.
If he cheated on your, abused you in anyway, spread rumors, talked about you behind your back, hid major things from you ...THEN you would have a right to not trust him.... because his feelings have changed for you doesn't give you the right to not trust him.
Family Dr. 06/05/2012 Referral Received 06/28/2012 Orientation 08/01/2012 NP 08/27/2012
SW 08/28/2012 Nut Class 08/27/2012
NUT 10/01/2012 PS 10/01/2012
Surgeon Dr. Cyriac 12/07/2012 **SURGERY JAN 30, 2013**
Yes, he has been there for me through many tough times. And I have been there for hin through many tough times.
Are you assuming I am not doing what I can to help myself? Because I don't think that's correct and I don't think you know me well enough to know what I am or am not doing to help myself. I have not used him. I do appreciate him. I do not rely on him to do things that I could do on my own.
According to him, his feelings for me changed quite some time ago and he hid that from me until yesterday. I think that is hiding "major things" from me.
If he decides that, when things get hard, he can't do this anymore, then I can't count on him to be here during the bad times, only during the good times. I don't want a relationship with someone that will only be around in the good times.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Yes you have the right to trust or not trust... what I was again attempting to say there is that if you don't feel you can trust him simply becasue his feelings have changed that is unfortunate. I get that you see him "keeping" his feelings about how he feels about you, from you for a long time as a breech in trust... I think perhaps he needed time to mull over those feelings for a while, to understand them himself.
You asked for relationship advice but it seems you have already made up your mind...your relationship is not salvageable, he doesn't deserve your trust.
I am not saying you don't have the right to be pissed, hurt, upset! You are a great person who is caring, helpful, insightful and are the first person to respond when anyone needs help, advice, a kick in the ass.... I don't take anything at all away from you... I hope you realize I am not trying to anger you. Just to provide that insight from the "other" side.
I don't know you or him other then what you choose to share here and what I got from it was that his feelings have changed, he feels like a caretaker, hes not in love with you and you refuse to attempt to work on your relationship with him because you can't trust him anymore. Seemed a little harsh to me. Only because I would hope in MY relationship that MY husband would see this as an oportunity to make things better. I would at least want the attempt.
but that is me and perhaps he doesn't want you to make things better, I dont know him.
Family Dr. 06/05/2012 Referral Received 06/28/2012 Orientation 08/01/2012 NP 08/27/2012
SW 08/28/2012 Nut Class 08/27/2012
NUT 10/01/2012 PS 10/01/2012
Surgeon Dr. Cyriac 12/07/2012 **SURGERY JAN 30, 2013**
I was asking for advice about whether I should have him take me to my appointment tomorrow or if I should postpone the appointment until I can make other arrangements. I was looking for advice on... I guess, on how to put my life together now. On my own.
He says he doesn't want to work on the relationship. He doesn't want to try to make it better. Perhaps you would attempt to work on it even if your husband said he didn't want to. For me, that seems like an exercise in futility. I have made up my mind that I am not going to try to convince him to stay with me when he says he's not in love with me and doesn't want to be with me like that.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I didn't realize he doesn't want to work on things in that case you are right not to work on it. I was under the impression that YOU were saying you were unwilling to work on it because you couldn't trust him...if he doesn't have any intention of working things out then you shouldn't waste your time....
Family Dr. 06/05/2012 Referral Received 06/28/2012 Orientation 08/01/2012 NP 08/27/2012
SW 08/28/2012 Nut Class 08/27/2012
NUT 10/01/2012 PS 10/01/2012
Surgeon Dr. Cyriac 12/07/2012 **SURGERY JAN 30, 2013**
Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG
"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"
"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."
