OT- well kind of

This is going to a rant I just need to get this off my chest.

I am 8 1/2 mo post op and until the last month everything has been great.  Steady weight loss,tracking calories and protein exercising  I have been doing all the right things and it was showing.  I am down from a size 22/24 to a 10/12 (depending on the maker) and I felt great.

Well within the last month it seems that my life is falling apart.  My marriage is falling apart. To be honest I have not been happy for a long time but recently it is really weighting on me.  A 2 wk vacation that we have been planning for 6 months is now not going to happen. I have to put my dog down and my husband made the appointment for next Saturday, My step daughter is coming for Christmas and my husband promised her that we will pay for her to fly down to Florida to see her Mom. To top thing off my sister just bought a trailer for my Mom.  So she needs to sell her house.  The house that I have wanted to buy for as long as I can remember. 

First my marriage.  We have been together for 17 years married for 12.  I take some blame in the breakdown of the marriage.  For years In the beginning of our relationship  I made some " concessions" with the marriage,  Not having children, knowing he was not very ambitious But I loved him and thought we could work though them. I figured once he saw what working hard did  he would follow suit.  I married for the moment not looking into the future.  I now have a very successful position in a growing industry.  I love my job and do well. He drives a school bus part time and fine with that.  My biggest issue with this is that after although he is at home most of the day I am still expected to keep house.  Cooking cleaning, everything.  He then critizes the way its done.  I tell him that he doesn't like the way I do it he should do it himself.  He agrees and then does not do it.    I make more money than he does. He spends his pay check on his incidentals, gas, cigarettes tools  etc and I pay for everything else. I feel like an ATM.  Again I take some of the blame here  I let it happen.

Now the dog.  I know it is necessary he is about 15 years old and in pain all the time.  I know it is the right thing to do but that does not make it any easier.

Next my step daughter.  I have know her since she was 3 yrs old and I love her like my own. But I do not think it is fair that I have to pay for a plane ticket so she can spend Christmas with her Mother.  (see above mention of ATM it would take 3 of his paychecks to pay for a flight from Massachusetts to Florida and back)

Now ,  the house. I have made it perfectly clear to my family my desire to buy the family house. They are also aware of my marriage issues.  Now my Mom can not move into the trailer my sister bought until she sells the house. and my sister is pushing to get it sold ASAP  Right now financially I can purchase it but if I buy it while I am still married then he will get half. I have already conceded that I will have to give him 1/2 of the 401K I have spent 10 yrs adding to and pay him alimony but to lose 1/2 of a house would be too much.  Besides even if we can work out the marriage he had made it perfectly clear that he does not want that house.  I know it needs work,  my Dad was sick for 5 yrs before he passed and it is a "fixer upper" but honestly that is what I find kind of charming.  We could make it our own while keeping some of my family.

Lastly and certainly not leastley  my WLS journey.  After 8 1/2 months I have hit a huge "STALL"  not a pound down (or up) in 6 weeks. I am holding steady.  I have upped my protein, upped my exersise, counted calories (approx 900 daily) everyhing that this wonderful board and my NUT has suggested. and NOTHING.   Could this be it at 9 months out?  I am not unhappy with what I have lose (90lbs) but was hoping for another 20-30.

Well thank you for being there and listening.  Hopefully just getting this on "paper" will help me work out what to do.

Wow...that is a lot you are going through. I am sure you'll find a plan to get through it all. Good luck.

ouch. If that would be me - I would be getting out from a marriage like that... unless sex is that good, and some other benefits.

wait - I did... my ex made OK money and contributed what he could into the house expenses... once he got a raise - he decided that all of the raise is "his money" because he worked hard to get that.   That and some other issues (drinking) was away too much for me. So I bailed out.  There is a point when enough is enough.

And since your husband promised her - he needs to come up with the money. I would not pay that. Sorry. I would cancel all credit cards that are in both names.

Remove money from bank accounts that he has access to. I would still pay the bills for the house and the utilities.

Sometimes we need to make drastic changes for the people in our life to appreciate that.

And most likely the last 12 years of the IRA - you may have to share - but alimony? unless he is truly unable to work - you may be responsible for a few months. But most likely not for ever.  

Not sure what his health status is - but most judges do not look friendly on men who chose not to work.

Could you possibly rent your mom's house temporarily, instead of buying it, until you get the marriage issues cleared up?  That way she would have income for the trailer and you wouldn't have to share ownership with your husband.  Who, by the way, I would not allow to move to the house. Instead of a divorce, do a separation for a while.  He's happy with his part time job?  Fine, let him support himself on what he makes.  Why would you have to give him half your 401K?  And pay alimony?  If he's able bodied, not handicapped, he can certainly work to support himself.  Might not be in the way he's accustomed to, but oh well.  His choice.  As for your sister buying the trailer, she did so with full knowledge that your mom's house wasn't sold.  Why can't your mom move in if it's already purchased?

As for paying for the plane ticket, if your stepdaughter's mom wants to see her, let her pay for the ticket.  As you said, you are not an ATM. 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's time your family, and in particular your husband, learns that you are are a strong, valuable woman who will not be used as a cash machine.  You need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life, and to me it sounds like you have already come to some valuable conclusions.

I'm very sorry to hear about your dog, I've been there and it's so very hard,  They are truly members of our families and it's hard to let go.  My thoughts will be with you.

First you need a big (((((HUG)))))!  Wow you have a lot on your plate, and all at once.  So sorry to hear about your dog :(  If you are anything like me and my fiance' are with our kitties, they are our babies and we treat them like our children. 

I agree with another poster here who suggested renting the house for a while until you get through your divorce.  I also live in MA (Nantucket now) but if it were me, I'd do a separation and soon!  Move into your new house but don't buy it yet.  I'm sure something could probably be worked out with your sister and mom if you let them know all the details. 

I would NOT be offering alimony to him all!  If he can work--the judge isn't going to give it to him.  As for your 401k, you may need to I'm not sure of the laws but I do know that we are a communal property state.  Make sure you have a good divorce attorney helping you.  I did mine solo, but we didn't own anything, just needed to work out child support and visitation for the kids and we did it with a mediator. 

As far as the weight loss goes, as long as you are able to maintain right now, I wouldn't be too concerned about losing.  Its very likely its just a stall (I hit one for almost a year at a year postop) but you sound like you are right on track with everything.  Continue to follow your program, keep up with your fluids, exercise and vitamins and you will lose.  Stress will also cause you to stop losing sometimes but it is only temporary.  Try and get enough sleep too.  I know if I don't get a full night's sleep it messes me all up.

Mallisa

Wow, you do have a lot going on!

Don't worry about the stall.  Not at all.  It's common to have a stall this far out.  Doesn't mean you're done losing.  Just stick with your plan and don't worry about it.  You've got enough to worry about right now.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog.  I know how hard that is.

And I'm sorry to hear about the marriage.  Do what you need to do for yourself.

Thanks to all *****sponded.  Just putting it on "paper" make me feel better.

I think that renting Mom's house is my best option right now.  GREAT IDEA  THANKS!!! I will speak to her today

 I have spoken to a divorce attorney and Massachusetts just passed a law that says that alimony is paid for 1/3 of the length of the marriage.  It makes no difference is it is man or woman and since I make 4X what he does I will have to pay it.  However it may be possible that it is paid in the form of making his truck payment (vehicle in my name) and the insurance.  Lets cross our fingers I get a good judge.

There is nothing I can do about the dog.  I know in my heart it is the best for all.

Step daughter.  Well the ticket is already bought.  Nothing I can do to change that.  I do love her so I will make the best of it.

 I know that I am probably doing some stress eating.But the good news is that the scale is down 2lbs this AM  so maybe the stall has broken. 

I am usually a  glass half full kind of person but the last month has been a challenge.

However it may be possible that it is paid in the form of making his truck payment (vehicle in my name) and the insurance

I would not  do that - You would be better off to sign a truck to him - Because if you do not and he gets into an accident - you may be responsible as an owner of the truck.  Good luck to you - in whatever you decide.

The truck is in my name because he did not make enough money or have the credit.  I know he would not make the payments he just can't afford it and I do not want to ruin my credit. 

Thank you for thinking of me first.  It feels good.