Beating My Wings
Hard times aren't there to keep us down. They're there for a purpose. Like being a butterfly in a cocoon. You half to keep beating your wings against the cocoon layer until your ready to fly.
I have been absent for a pretty long time. Not just from the website but from life in general. I was slammed with one thing after the other and it got to a point that I couldn't enjoy my life anymore. I didn't see anything but a black hole with no end insight. It didn't end there. It got much much worse. I have successfully had to worst year of my life with a couple awesome accomplishments.
We got into major financial problems that ended up with bankrupty. Then a job change to San Diego, which was great. Cheaper living, bigger apartment and back to the beach where we always wanted to back to. The downfall was taking my kids away from my parents and the our family. They had built such a relationship, it was magical between them. I knew it would be hard but it would be ok. We were only a 8 hrs away. We been states away before. Well, the time came to move. It was Saturday June 15, 2014. We got everything in the car and ready to go by 12. We said see ya later to my mom and sister, then we drove to my dads work to say good bye to him. We pulled up, I got all the kids out of the car and they hugged him and he told them that he loved them. I made my son Jason give him and extra and hug and kiss and tell him he loved my dad because Jason and my dad spent everyday together. My dad is the only one who got my sons haircut, he would eat over for dinner some nights. He would sleep over with him and they would spend hours just on random days watching westerns together. My dad adored the ground Jason walked on and he adored my dad in return.
I looked at my dad and I began to cry. My dad and I didn't have much of a relationship until after I started to have kids. But it wasn't till I had Jason that it really took off. We lived across the walk way from my dad. I could see his house out of my windows if I looked. I told him that I loved him, I said to him " I don't live across the way anymore so you need to be careful" We found out 1 month prior to our move that my dad only had 18% of his blood pumping through his heart. It was a miracle he was surviving and has been so functional. Apparently, if you have a pre existing condition, then whatever you do to your body will attack you pre existing condition before the organ it is geard for. For example, my dad! He had a drinking problem, it was pretty bad. He refused to go to the doctors because they would tell him to stop or he will die. Well, one day he called me over to come look at his legs. My dads legs were blended with his ankles and calf. I had my husband come over who works in the medical field in the Navy and he told my dad he thought his heart was failing. We got my dad in the very next day and he spent a week in the hospital trying to figure out how to get him stable and find a way to get him stable for the rest of his life. Thankfully, they did get him ok. They were also trying different meds to help regulate him when he got home. So I basically went to my dad the day we moved and I said good bye. I knew in my heart my dad was going to die. I just didn't know when. I've moved lots of times. I never said good bye to people I love or remain friends with. I always say see you later. For some reason, my dad and I both said good bye.
We got to San Diego and my dad called me at 9:45pm, we talked for a minute while I was still driving and he asked me to find him a Job on Monday when I got my internet on because he wanted to be with us and his grandbabies. I told him I would and then I said I had to go cuz I was pulling into our new home. We unloaded my moving truck till 3 am, we went to bed. At 9:45 am , on fathers day and my sisters sweet 16th birthday my mom was calling me asking if I had heard from my dad. I said no, she said she was going to go to his house. My parents were separated due to his alcohol but they were dating again and they still saw each other at least 3-4 x a week for whatever was going on with kids and what not. The next call I got was my mom completely freaking out. Repeating over and over again that she could hear his tv on and wont answer the door. Shes panicing at the this point and her voice threw me into panic. She kept repeating in this desperation voice over and over again that she can see him, he wont answer, he wont get up, she doesn't know what to do, she can see him threw the window and he wont get up she was so desperate. I felt my body go limp and I started to shake like I have never felt before and I couldn't control it. I started to scream OH MY GOD over and over again. My husband grabbed the phone and told her to call 911 and call us back. He kept saying, we don't know for sure Jessica. Lets wait and see, but I knew. I couldn't stop shaking and screaming. I had always been by my moms side when it came to my dad. I had gone to his house many times, knocking and no answer but I too could hear the tv on. He just slept through it all. I would go to him knowing I could find him dead and I thought I was prepared as one could be for that moment. I realized I wasn't there, my mom was ALONE.
I stopped screaming, I kept shaking but I instantly started to make phone calls. I called the second person my mom would call after me. My Uncle Jimmy...... It was fathers day. I didn't keep that in mind. He answered the phone, " Hi Sweetheart, how are you"......... I had also been sick prior to moving so the first things he heard out of my mouth was mom and then squealing..... I started to cry immediately and talk at the same time. I squealed because I had no voice. He knew something was obviously wrong so he said honey I cant hear you half to slow down and say it again. I took a deep breathe and got it out of my mouth " My dad is dead". He said what. Then I explained my mom went to find him and he was gone. She was there by herself at his apartment and someone needed to get to her asap. He asked where my sister was. She didn't know yet. Then I called my other Uncle and the same thing happened. I squealed, I found myself having to repeat the words over and over again because no one could understand me. My uncles apparently figured out what they needed to do because one went to my mom and one went to my sister. My mom called my sister and told her over the phone while my uncle was there. My mom couldn't/ wouldn't leave my dads side. I called my best friend who lived in San Diego and she came got clothes in a bag, called the airport and I got on the longest 2 hr flight of my life. One at which the entire airport kept saying, have a happy fathers day. I was that crazy girl in the isle seating balling her eyes out uncontrollably as privately as I could. I did a good job at it, minus a few stares. No one asked me if I was ok!!!!
My Uncle picked me up from the airport. I got in the car and said not a whole lot. He and my mom just left my dads house. They just got him all out of his house. I pulled into the drive way. My mom drove my dads truck home. My mom and my sister were sitting on the stairs silently crying waiting for me. I got out and went straight to them and wrapped my arms around both of them. My sister and my mom cried and said they were sorry. I looked at them and told them we all lost something here and no one is to be sorry because none of us knew. The entire wee****ep up my upper lip. My mom and sister needed me. I went to his apartment and picked out his clothes with my sister. I picked out his urn and lettering. I picked the music. We did it in style, the way my dad would want it. Or at least what we thought.
Its been a year, I still hear that phone call over and over in my head. I still remember my last good bye with him. My son Jason still cries hysterically begging for his papa back. I made him a doll with my dads picture as the face and a voice box with my dad talking to him from a video I had taken. That helps him...... I have fallen into so many pieces. I do not talk about it with my mom or my sister because I do not want to add my pain onto theirs. So I listen to and comfort them at all costs. Sometimes it angers me. My mom says a lot of I. I did this and I did that like she was the only one to do it. I did a lot more then she thinks. I called 911 when he thought he was having a heart attack and he was crying he was sorry and he loved me. I saw him on the floor grabbing his chest not her. She saw him feeling much better at the hospital. There were so many things she didn't see that I and things I also did to help him and take care of him. But I let it all go because its not my place to say anything right now. My sister is starting to act out with it all. She has a heart condition. She had open heart surgery at 5 months old and still will need another to fix the wholes and leakages but shes smoking and drinking.
On top of that we had to move again only 8 months after his death to a new place again for the military this time. Which was a blessing for myself as far as memories tied to his death go and also because we are now in a beautiful house that we needed to be in for our kids. I could probably write as short chapter book on my last 2 years........
I find myself hating life. I see my kids and I see in their face they are walking on egg shells with me. I smiled at Samantha on her last day of school and she asked me why I was smiling. I just because I was and then asked her why. She said because I don't smile, I said yes I do and she said not that I see anymore. My other daughter spilt something on the floor after I had been cleaning for hours. I knew my im gonna kill you meter shot up and I walked into my room instead and let my husband deal with it because I couldn't without doing bad things. My daughter comes up stairs and proceeds to tell me she is sorry, it was their fault and they will take care of it. At that moment, I knew for sure I needed to change. I always know when something is wrong with me because I get very bad ocd till my skin peels off from chemicals. So I already had indication that something was wrong because ocd had been here awhile but I thought I was fine. Till these moments started to happen. I started to think back on this year and I completely dis engaged from my family. I didn't cuddle my kids, I didn't play with them, I didn't let them do fun things because I couldn't handle the thought of a dirty house. I had no energy or want to take them any where. I completely shut down. My eldest started to stop wanting me and my love. My others stayed away most of the time..... I am now faced with not only am I completely shattered on the inside and I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PUT IT BACK TOGETHER. But I also face that I am a terrible mother. I am exactly who I never wanted to be and I nothing like who my heart knows I am.
That made me more depressed to realize how bad I was and how bad it got. I gained 30lbs from eating my way happy. Hence, the reason its 30 because clearly I'm still not at happy. These past 3 weeks I been going to be and waking up with a more conscious effort to be who my heart knows I am. I fall on my face some times but I start a new day knowing who I aspire to be and I do my best to get there. One day it will just happen. For now, I need to get my weight off, I need to vent to people who can relate with me and I need to know that life is perfect as is and my best is good enough. I also will start to do more for me. Not be who everyone else wants me to be.
Thank you for taking the time to read it. Its so nice to be heard. Its been so long since someone heard me. I find some days to be so rough and others I feel so alive. Today is just one of those days that Im not smelling the roses but I don't know why. Its not anything in particular that has me down. Im glad I recognize it now because the way out of this is with effort to make it different. My weight, my addiction its a forever battle and I hope to find people to fight with. It sucks to be alone.
My heart is heavy as I read your post. I think many of us can understand the pain you have been through. Life is not always easy and can take the wind out of our sails. Don't punish yourself. You were hurting and doing the best you could. Now is the time to pick yourself up and spend time redeveloping relationships. They will understand in time. Be good to yourself and try to put one foot in front of the other. It will get easier in time. Take care
