Auntie Update...

I'm soooo doggone mad I can hardly see straight!  Auntie is now in a drug-induced coma because they have put her on a vent!!!!  My cousin, Jes, Auntie's daughter, has POA & a DNR in Auntie's records, yet they put her on a damned ventillator!  Her lungs are bleeding & filling with fluid, she now has a staph infection, can't breathe on her own, but they're using artificial means to keep her body alive.  As far as I'm concerned, they're just racking up $$$$ for their next Mercedes or cruise!!!!  It's probably a good thing I'm not there cuz some doctor would have to have my foot surgically removed from his a**!!!!  Why don't they just let the darling woman die with dignity?  I just don't get it. And THIS is why I haven't been on here the last couple of days.  I hate deathbed vigils to begin with, but being so angry & sad, I'm just not very good company. Sorry gang...I just needed to vent.  I sure as heck can't & won't say this stuff to Jessica...she's going through enough already.  Her words the other day just broke my heart.  She said, "gee, now I get to make the decision to kill my mother..."  What the doctor is doing to my cousin & my Auntie is just unforgiveable.  This really has shook my confidence in the medical profession.  We just boil down to money, don't we?  They don't give a damn about the person. I'm sorry...I'm not very good company.  I get flooded with either tears or anger.  I jump everytime the phone rings, thinking this could be it.  I am soooo gonna miss her.  But at least I know that SHE knows how much I love her & what a blessing she has been in my life.  She helped to mold me into the person that I am.  In a lot of ways, she's been the mother my own mother couldn't be, & now can't be.  I HATE being the age I am because now is when I have to start losing the older ones that have been so important to me & darn it, I'm just not ready to give her up yet.  But her body needs to be allowed to let go...to rest.  This hurts so much.  I'm selfish because I want to keep her forever & ever, but of course I know that's not reality.  But tell that to the child in me.  The child doesn't want her to go.  The child still has so much to learn from her.  The child still needs to hear her voice, her laughter, her words of wisdom, her jokes.  The child is angry with God for making her suffer so much & then to take her away.  But I have to remind the child that this is all part of the cycle of life.  How lucky I have been all these years to have that lady in my family.  She has loved me unconditionally, and she believed in me even when I doubted myself. I think maybe I need to get some sleep.  I feel like one big raw nerve & I'm tired.  Being angry is exhausting...did you know that? LOL.  Maybe I'll just lay down on the couch, put something mindless on the tele & veg for awhile.  If I'm lucky, maybe I'll have sweet dreams of me with my Auntie Mary Kay again.  As for all of you...take the time to call those you love & just tell them that.  Tell them often so that there is never any doubt.  It feels so good to love & be loved.  So know that I love you all too.

Good am Ann - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I can understand your angry and sadness over what is happeneing. I too have felt this strongly about members of our family we've lost and its incredibly painful and emotion filled to see someone we love suffer especially when choices were already made for them to go home with the Lord without all the modern capablities to merely prolong the inevitable. It really breaks my heart that you are going through all this. I know you have others there for you as well so know that I am too. Its amazing to learn the love is more than a feeling. Its a commitment to life and others on the finest levels and that is what you are describing here in my opinion. Thank you for sharing this with me. You are a beautiful lady and I am proud to call you friend. I leave you with something I reference to and for many that helps put things in perspective a bit and know that the Lord is ready to receive your auntie with open arms. Always..... WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see, If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me, I know I'll miss you too, But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand, and said my place was ready in heaven, and that I'd have to leave behind all those I love. But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye. For all my life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for and so much yet to do, it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you. I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had. If I could relive yesterday, I thought just for awhile, I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see your smile. But then I realized that this could never be, for emptiness and memories would take place of me. And when I thought of things that I'd miss tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, my heart filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, he said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you. I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, and since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past. You have been so faithful, so trusting, and so true, though there were times you did things you knew you shouldn't do, you have been forgiven and now at last you're free. So won't you take my hand and share your life with me? So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

Dear sweet Ann Im so sorry to hear this about your Aunt. And sorry your going through this right now. I know your emotions and I feel your pain. Be strong and like you daid remember all your good times and smile this is what your Auntie would want you to do. Be there for your cousin in any way you can be but dont forget to take care of yourself. Lots of hugs coming your way along with many prayers and please if there is anything I can do please dont hesitate to ask. Lov ya girlie.

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. There is nothing I can possibly think of to say to you to ease your pain. We are here for you to vent and cry to.... let it loose. Cry and vent away!!!!!!! God bless! Hugs coming your way!   cathy

Sorry to hear you are going thru this. I will keep you in my prayers! Philippians 4:13. I can do all things through. Christ who strengthens me.

Sending lots of hugs & love your way.  The range of emotions you are going through is so normal.  Taking some time to yourself is probably a great idea.  Prayers for you & yours.  Love you bunches.

My darling Kat...leave it to you, my friend, to come up with just the right words.  I think when the time comes, if I can find the strength to not fall apart, I should like to share your poem at her funeral.  No truer words were ever written & in some ways, it made me feel a little better.  I think Auntie would have liked it too. I did lay down on the couch & watched "Dancing With The Stars", then fell asleep.  Albeit, not a very restful sleep, but sleep nonetheless.  I guess I better start checking on air fare to San Francisco today just so I'm somewhat prepared.  My sister, Patty, will be going as well.  How funny that the eldest & the youngest should make a trip like this yet again.  We did the same thing when our Grandma died in Hawaii .  Hopefully we'll have less drama than with Grandma...the day her funeral was scheduled, Hurricane Iniki hit!!  We had to postpone till the following weekend!  4 days before the service I called the mortuary to make arrangements to have her remains picked up (she'd already been cremated) & was told she wasn't there & they didn't know where she'd gotten off to!  2 days before her service we finally got a phone call from her friend saying that she had Grandma & could bring her over on Sunday.  I said that's real nice but her service is on SATURDAY!!!!  And if that all wasn't enough, we had problems at the cemetary too.  She was to be placed in a wall cubbie beside my Grandpa & the cemetary is on the other side of the island.  Since I'm weird about dead people anyway, Grandma spent the previous night in the trunk of my rental car, so back in the trunk she went for the drive over the mountain.  We arrived at 4:45 pm...the place was to close at 5:00.  Patty & I remained in the car & my Mom carried G'ma's remains to the office so they could put her in the space.  We figured Mom should have some private time.  Five minutes later, here comes Mom, still carrying G'ma, & she's very upset.  She said the woman in there said we'd have to come back on Monday because they were closed!  Oh hell no!!!  My watch read 10 minutes to 5...they were still open.  So I go back in to their office with Mom & G'ma in tow, & I spoke to the woman very calmly.  I said, "Look!  Either YOU are going to put G'ma in the cubbie or I will.  I have a tire iron in my trunk & I have no problem prying open that box myself!  My G'ma went missing for a week & had to spend last night in the trunk & again in the trunk for the ride here.  I'll be damned if she spends ANOTHER night in that trunk so OPEN THE DAMNED CUBBIE!!!"  The woman's jaw dropped for a couple of seconds & she took in my tone of voice, determined look on my face, & my poor, sobbing mother at my side holding the box of G'ma, & said, "You're serious, aren't you?" to which I replied, "Serious as a heart attack.  So how's it gonna be?"  Needless to say, the tire iron stayed in the trunk & Grandma was gently placed in the cubbie beside her beloved. So as you can see, my family is quite unique.  I can't wait to see what sort of odd adventure Auntie has planned for us.  And wouldn't you know, that G'ma story was one of Auntie's favorites.  We're a warped lot! LOL. Thank you all for your kindness, understanding & patience.  I'll try to keep popping in now & then & checking on ya'll.  After all, life does go on & we all still need each other. My love goes to you all!

Ann, even at the worst of times you always have something to say that cracks me up. I am sorry for what you are going through but you are as strong as anyone I know and you will make it through this and only be stronger for it. I will be praying for everyone involved.

Much love and prayers going to you and your family.

I am so sorry you and your family are going through all of this...especially your Auntie!  You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Cindy