Scared to be skinny

So this is something that has been weighing on my mind for the past few weeks now. 
I am back at my high school weight, back to the skinniest I have ever been as an adult, and I am scared as hell to lose any more.  I have NEVER been thinner than I am right now, and I have NO idea what that will be like.  While I don't want to stop losing, I feel like part of me is like "okay, you look like you used to, no need to lose more".  I know I didn't have this surgery to lose 80lbs and stop.  But when I think I have ONE HUNDRED more pounds to lose - ONE HUNDRED! - I freak the hell out. 
What will I look like in 100lbs?  Who will I be?  I hate to admit it, but my personality is largely based on the fact that I grew up as the fat girl.  I remember watching this tv show where this chubby kid was asked why he felt the need to be the class clown, and he said, "well, when funny is all you got..."  This is exactly how I feel.  I don't think I know how to balance being normal-sized in with who I am.
Will I start to attract more attention?  What will that be like?  I have been with the same person for 6 years, but I have this problem with not caring who you are as long as I think you think I am attractive.  This problem caused me to cheat, and I am afraid it will happen again.  (Sex addiction kinda runs in the family)
No one in my family is skinny.  My mom had RNY in 05, but she is 6' tall and weighs right around 200.  She isn't little.  My sister is probably sporting a BMI of 48, and my dad is large as well.  Worst of all, my gf has a BMI of 35, and while she is making small but significant changes, I am afraid of what things will be like when I am the skinny one.  She has always been the skinny one.  We have had many talks about this, and I know she is just as freaked out as I am, and I feel like the skinnier I get, the worse I make her feel about herself, and I don't like that.  I think I also make my sister feel bad sometimes, to a lesser degree.
I dunno... I am at 258, XL size shirts (from regular stores - woo!), size 20/22 pants.  I am comfortable where I am now, but I know I shouldn't be.  I just don't have a tangible way to visualize what is next, and that is making things REALLY hard. 
I am sorry, I know this was long, but I am really struggling with this.  Thanks for reading.

Hello Kristen,

I'm pretty sure your feelings are pretty common for those of us losing weight or making major life changes.

Remember, there is no need for you to shoot for 'skinny'.  Just keep losing until you get to where you feel like your head and your body think it's the right place to stop.  Not everyone needs, wants or even should be skinny!

And as for your 'big personality' if anything it may just get bigger once you lose more weight!  Don't worry you will still be you, just a little different!

I am only 3 weeks out from my surgery but I know how you feel. I am scared to lose too much weight too. It seems crazy.  I too have been the "fat girl" my whole life. The lightest that I remember is being 214 lbs in like 5th grade.  I don't remember wearing anything smaller than a size 20. 

I think it will be a big life adjustment to not be noticed as the big girl in the room. I am excited to gain some confidence but I fear I will be a complete social misfit if faced with people noticing me for other reasons. 

My BFF is also overweight  she will never have surgery but she has decided that she is going on a diet and she is encouraging me to keep up with working out and we are helping each other with weightloss and eating right.  It helps to have a partner supporting you.

My husband also makes the prospect of losing too much weight  scary for me. He keeps saying the only reason I did this was to find someone better than him.  Which is so far from the truth but then I start to think I settled for him because I didn't think I deserved better. Would I want to be with someone else if they treated me better and wanted to be with me? 

For all these reasons I am seeing a counselor on a weekly basis.

Overall what I think is that you have to be the best you you can be for you.  Losing that 100lbs and being healthy is  way worth any emotional things you will have to deal with on the way.

 

"I fear I will be a complete social misfit if faced with people noticing me for other reasons. "

"He keeps saying the only reason I did this was to find someone better than him.  Which is so far from the truth but then I start to think I settled for him because I didn't think I deserved better. Would I want to be with someone else if they treated me better and wanted to be with me?"

I didnt have the guts to come out and say these things.  Especially that.

Thank you for saying them for me.   I really appreciate you.

Your doing this for you and your health and maybe you are doing it to find somone better, that someone better being "you" better at moving around, better health wise and finding the you that can walk into a store and buy regular clothes no matter the season.
If you are struggling make smaller goals 10lb or 20lb goals and then when you see how you feel then go down another small amount and that way it might not feel so frighting as looking at the big picture of losing 100 lbs.

I hope you start feeling better about it    hugs ))

Hi Kristen
 I felt this way too. I thought I was the only one. The smallest I ever remember being is a size 14 in the eleventh grade of high school. When I went  for my consult I told the nurse I wanted to get to
170. The nurse said my ideal weight is  125 , I told her that was too skinny. My husband told her he would have to wrap pillows around me if I got that small. She said the highest weight they recommend me to get is 150. To me that is too small too. Right now I cannot imagine being 200 lbs let alone  125 or 150. i have over 200 lbs to lose in order to get to that wait. So i will wait to see i how small i really can get with the sleeve since I have not seen many people lose over 200 lbs with the sleeve. The surgeon seem to think I can do it. But I wonder.

I am happy you post this topic.

Dawn

Aloha Kristin- your post will hit home with many of us here, darlin'.

I have always had a "big" personality to make up for the fact that I was always the biggest person in the room. Better to be the jokemaker than the butt of the jokes, right? But something changed when I started gaining the real weight decades ago- when I was about  200 on the way up, it suddenly wasn't "manageable" anymore. I began to become more and more depressed, and withdrawn, and when I had added an additional 130 lbs to that, I was downright miserable. I found reasons to avoid going out anymore because standing in the closet trying on each additional tent like outfit was so demoralizing. Shopping? Did it online. Hated mirrors and photographs. This past year I avoided my 20th graduate school reunion so I wouldn't have to let my classmates see what I had become.

Now I'm on the other side of those next 100 out of 180 lbs, Kristin. My husband says he has the woman he married back again- not in appearance but in energy and demeanor.  I feel HEALTHY again- no aching back or joints, no blood pressure meds or antidepressants, no CPAP machine. And the high of fitting in an economy seat on an airplane with room to spare and NO seat belt extender has taken years off my life! The attention is unnerving- but I also see how inspiring it can be for some people. At least 5 people from our WLS group have now joined the gym where I work out. I'm not necessarily shooting for a weight or size so much a healthy BMI- so why not let that be your guide? I can't wait to purchase life insurance after having been turned down for so many years because I was off the BMI scale!

You are not responsible for the health of your BFF, or sister- you are responsible for YOUR health. If you have an addicitve personality, seek treatment and coping mechanisms now or you could end up dealing with transfer addiction. And you deserve a partner who treats you like gold- if yours doesn't, then he should be afraid of losing you. Every body deserves that, be they 120 or 320 lbs.

Be well- continued successful journey! XOLori

Kristen, if you can, I encourage you to get counseling, just to have the opportunity to express your deepest, most secret feelings - and we all have them - in a safe, private environment - by which I mean that it isn't really the therapist who will do the work, it's you.

I think we all go through some identity crises along the way. For me, that has been the most interesting, and yes, difficult at times, part of the process. And I am still working on it. It has brought questions to mind like:

Why did I do this to myself? What did I get out of being fat that I perceived, on some level, as positive?

What  was/am I so afraid of?

Did I make myself fat in part as a sort of "litmus test" for others? I mean, proof that if they liked/loved me/wanted to sleep with me "even though" I was fat, then it was really, really true, right? (And of course, like everything else, sometimes it was and sometimes it wasn't).

Do I have the courage to really engage with the world? After all, my fat protected me from that to a certain extent.

And so there are all the social and cultural aspects as well. On the one hand, there are very strong cultural and social stigmas attached to obesity: fat people are lazy, gluttonous, stupid, unmotivated, etc., etc. And then, in response to the TRUTH, i.e., that we are none of those things (usually, anyway,or at least not all of them at once!), we have tried over the last 20 years or so (or at least I did) to buy into the whole "big is beautiful" and "fat acceptance" movements. I tried, believe me, I tried.

But for me, it was BS. I learned to accept and love myself in many ways, but loving my obesity was not one of them. But still, my fat served its purposes (as above), and I have had to think about what those purposes were and have the courage to acknowledge my fears and then do it (whatever it is) anyway.

On the positive side, you may receive more attention when you are slender, but it will usually be positive attention, rather than scornful attention (and learning to embrace that and handle it is a growth process). You may also realize, as I have, that it is incredibly liberating to accept that most people really don't give others a second thought. They are busily dealing with their own lives and insecurities, and just don't have time to spend thinking about us.

Sorry, this is all just kind of rambling I suppose - more than anything I just wanted you to know that you are far from the only one who goes through these mental/emotional changes and challenges.

Finally though, I am not sure if by gf you mean your girlfriend as in life partner, or just a friend. If the former, there are bound to be some changes there, but they can be very positive. Relationships do end more often after WLS, but I strongly suspect that is because so many of us have "settled" for the first person who was "willing" to love us, without really thinking about what WE want. In my personal case, thinking about some of those relationships in my past just makes me squirm with embarrassment. Luckily, that does not apply to my husband of almost 17 years.

Anyway, if the relationship is strong before you lose weight, it will endure afterwards. 

Either way, whether your gf is your partner or your friend, YOU are not "making her" or your sister feel bad. Their feelings are their responsibility.

People who truly love us are on our side and do not envy us or begrudge us our success or enjoy our failures. As an example, my sister has been waiting for her WLS for more than a year. We hope it will happen within the next few months. During all her struggles to jump through insurance hoops and so on, she has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader, and has never ONCE expressed any kind of jealousy or envy - just tremendous hope and anticipation about the day when she will be able to join me "on the loser's bench." I am so grateful for that!

I hope in the end your journey of self-discovery is a wonderful one, Kristen. It may be scary, but it's worth it. 

you got some good advice from people who write better than I do so I'll just say, me too!  

good luck and for sure look into getting counseling: relationship stuff is hard enough even without big life changes!

Hi cutie! I love your avatar. You have a great smile!

I posted about this the other day too. Same scenario but I am a few years older than you for sure. I have been there and done that so to speak. I have lost the best friend I ever had who was also overweight and it was because she started treating me badly. Was she jealous? I had to discuss it with my counselor and it is a good thing that she has decided to back off of our friendship; I really wanted it too. She is going through something now because she is now the heavier person in our relationship but those are HER issues and not mine. I don't need anymore stress than I already have. My health is on the line. If you are young you don't feel it yet but if you stay in the obese zone for a long time every bone and organ in your body will feel it eventually. I don't want you to suffer later just because you don't feel it now.

As far as the identity crisis goes get some counseling if you can. You can do this and do it for the right reasons. Let everyone else figure there own stuff out. Take care of you and put you first. Remember you may not feel it now but later on the weight will weigh you down.

Hugs,
Beth