A pre-op freak out last night

So my surgery is 3 weeks from tomorrow.

Background: I'm scared and not good at (maybe never really have) made a decision on my own. My way of dealing with scary things is to eat to mute them or just ignore them until I have to deal with them.

I have to deal with this NOW. I need to prepare (foods, measuring devices, mentally, etc.) but I'm just stuck.

I was trying to explain it to my husband yesterday and I think there are quite a few things that scare me. Perhaps if you've dealt with some (all?) you can offer advice.

1. I've worked real hard all these years to be ok with who I am. Now I'm admitting who I am (well, my shell) is not ok. In fact it's so repulsive/bad/unhealthy that I'm going to do something drastic.

2. Can I truely grow a healthy baby some day. Everyone says yes but ...

3. Who will I be? I sorta like me (well not my shell but me) and I'm scared I will change.

4. How will relationships change?

5. How do I deal with losing my best friend (food)?

6. How do you have fun without food?

7. Accepting that my weight is VERY very unhealthy. It is no longer about vanity, it's about health.

8. What makes me think, knowing my past and my inability to take responsibility for my food choices, I'm going to be any different?

9. What if I fail?

10. I am a failure and I suck to bad that I have to resort to cutting myself to not eat a cookie. How pathetic

Ok I'm getting so mad at myself here...

Any advise, oh wise ones?

Wow, did I write this or are you reading my mind. All except the growing a healthy baby part. I'm 49 and babies didn't come my way but I'm a great aunt. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. I found out last week that I can have my surgery. It'll be on the 7th of July. I read Weight Loss surgery for dummies from cover to cover over the weekend. BBQ wasn't on my mind, I was thinking past ribs and on to the decisions and how to handle the questions that I have as well those I'll get from others.

Accepting yourself is the first thing. You know that you're doing it for your health and the ability to be on this earth longer with your husband and to make those healthy babies that you're going to do fine raising.

There is no failure here. You've made a decision and taken the steps to see it through. If you loose 10% of what you weigh now you will have significantly increased your health.

PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!! We (notice I said "WE", you're not in this alone) don't eat emotionally anymore. Well...not as often.

I think relationships will change, but you know what? Change is good. If you can't keep the friends you had before you lost weight always remember the good times you had with them.

I don't think I'm wise, but I do know that I'm in your boat. Scared, excited, anxious and can't wait to be one of those people who have before and after picture where I look as good as I knew I could.

Thank you SweetDreamGirl. It helps knowing these are normal (at least for 2 people) reactions/fears.

My answers (disclaimer:  I don't know!)

1.  I agree on this.  Not the health part, but I was always totally pissed off at how fat people are treated.  If you look at the progressive map of the US of obesity rates from the 1970s to today, it is frightening.  Something got into the human population around that time, and all those affected people are being treated like crap.  In the past when I lost weight, compliments on how great I looked were always really irritating to me.  Hopefully I'll deal with it okay this time around.  Mostly, I had hypertension and pre-diabetes, and the health benefits are undeniable.

2.  I don't know!  But it seems like we get pregnancy and birth stories on this site with some regularity.  I was a midwife for 8 years, and I do know that obesity increases your chance of pregnancy and birth complications.  Gestational diabetes is no joke and can seriously affect your baby.

3.  We are constantly constantly changing.  Have it in your mind that you are becoming stronger more healthy version of yourself.  

4.  Mine seem to be staying positive.  I do read stories of couple dynamics changing, friends sometimes feeling some envy or other negative emotion.  Relationships have to weather all kinds of things, trust that your good relationships will remain strong if you bring honesty, love and goodwill to them.

5.  My good friend was actually bringing me to a bad place.  I really don't think I was ever a true "eating for comfort" person.  I sure did like to eat, but my body really really wanted that food and now it doesn't.  I've used a Star Trek Next Generation plot to describe this:  An andogynous race (no male or female gender) has one member that gets out of whack and becomes feminine--and falls in love with Riker.  They are in anguish together as her people want to "treat" her disorder.  She loves him!  She can't live without him!  Then she gets treated and is, like, "so long buddy, I'm happy without you."    Food is our loved one because something is out of whack.  Surgery is going to re-whack you.  Bye, Riker, it was fun but seems kind of twisted now.

6.  My husband and I went out to eat and cooked together all the time.  We had wine with our food, and talked and had a good time.  Now, it is really really cheap for us to go out.  I eat super slow, we talk and have a good time.  We have one entree and no wine.  We also go on daily walks together and talk and hold hands.  I recommend that as a good replacement!

7.  You've already done this one, in my opinion.

8.  Because surgery is the only weight loss technique with any significant chance of success.  Everyone on these boards failed to lose weight on their own, and so many are successful with this tool.

9.  I think it was Elina who wrote that the only thing worse than being fat is being fat after weight loss surgery.  Yikes, that scares the bejeebers out of me.  Commit yourself, you can do it.  You might fail, but you also might succeed.  Research says you don't have a snowball/hell chance to succeed without surgery.

10.  Let's go to #5 on this.  I don't think it's your fault.  You are not pathetic; let's also go back to the obesity map on that--you and millions of others.  You are working on accepting yourself, keep going.  Don't let self-recrimination take hold.  Find the positive thoughts that make you feel powerful and good and strong--that's where you want to let your mind go.

I too am having the same concerns as the two of you. I don't have a date yet, but am anticipating early July. Now that I have actually lost a few pounds on my own, I keep thinking - maybe I don't really need this. But that is truly denial. I do need it. I have bad knees which are becoming worse all the time and other health issues which will almost certainly be resolved or at least improved with this surgery. I am struggling with who to tell. To date only my husband, 2 close friends, and my boss know. At some point I will need to tell others, but I still feel some shame, like I should have been able to lose weight, but I'm a loser (no pun intended) and can't get it together any other way. But I am trudging forward because although emotionally I am still struggling a bit, intellectually I know this will be the best thing for me.

I understand all of your doubts/fears.  Maybe it would be good to talk to a therapist to help you work through all of this.

I don't know about you - but I'm not doing this because I hate the shell me.  (I don't love the way I look - but I don't hate it - I do look forward to looking better).  I'm doing this because I know that the weight I am is a death sentance and that I can't do this on my own then maintain it.  This is my best shot at living a healthy life and enjoying my life more!

The question about a future baby - heck yeah - look at USAF wife, she is doing great in this dept.

I don't think I will change - I'm sure I will get more confidence about how I look, but I am already successful in my career and have great family and friend relationships, so I don't think I will turn into a diva.    I think losing your "best friend" might actually improve your (and my) other relationships.  Instead of eating our problems, we can talk them out with those that love and care about us.  I plan on still having fun with food - have you seen Frisco's food porn posts - just a lot less of it.  It's like having a really rich chocolate - just because it's just a little peice doesn't mean you dont enjoy it - you actually take more time to savor and enjoy it!

You are NOT a failure, you WILL make better choices because you are making a commitment to live a better life!  You can do this.  You have it in you and you will be so happy that you have made the changes!

Thanks Lucy- I do see a therapist so will certainly talk about these things this week :)

I think this part that you said, is the part I'm having a hard time with-
I don't know about you - but I'm not doing this because I hate the shell me.  (I don't love the way I look - but I don't hate it - I do look forward to looking better).  I'm doing this because I know that the weight I am is a death sentance and that I can't do this on my own then maintain it.  This is my best shot at living a healthy life and enjoying my life more!

*sigh*

Thanks for listening and responding!

I hear ya - it took a long time for me to accept me (the shell), but you know what - I am so looking forward to shopping in a "normal" store, paying less for close, fitting in booths, etc. 

I suggest that you create a list of goals that are totally unrelated to looks - ways that your life will be improved by the surgery.  I made a list and shared it with my mom and daughter.  They already knew why I was doing the surgery, but this helped them better understand the little things I will be celebrating along the way.  I also wrote a note to myself of why I'm doing this so I can look at it when times are tough - cause I know they will!  (I havent admitted it here, but on the 3rd day of my liquid diet I actually cried over a Wendy's Cheeseburger commercial - lol).  When we are going thru the tough times, we need something that can ground us and remind us that things will be better soon and that we are strong enough to kick this in the butt!

(((hugs)))  I know that you will do what is right for you!

Thanks JAC and Judy. This helps!

Pull up Star Jones on Oprah. I jus****ched he and it put some of my fears at ease. Makes me feel like it is the right choice!