In December of 2009 I made a list… of everything in my life I wanted to change. This was spawned by  the  realization of how unhappy I was with my marriage. I wanted more out of it. I lived in fear of even speaking out to my husband about it as my income is from a home business and if we split Id be ****** I thought I needed to work on being happy with me first and foremost and getting to a place where if need be I can be finanacally independent. Not because I AM leaving… but so that if I am ever so unhappy that I want to… its an option. I don't want to feel like I HAVE no other choice than to shut up and put up. So here is where I am...

Move it Fatty
The top of my list was my weight. I weighed 275. I felt embarrassed and stuck. I didn't want to put myself out there, I didn't like how I was perceived by others. I started walking and then jogging daily, joined boot camps, hired a trainer, revamped my families meals. I got to 229 where I got stuck and then decided to do a VSG. Finally my weight is under control, I did my tummy tuck and am happy with my body. (Id love new boobs… but I have to wait a bit) This was so important to me, it was a way of saying "Jen you matter, you deserve to be happy with you" theres so much guilt as a mom and wife when you set aside time for you even if it is for your health. So I've checked weight off my list. Im okay with me, on the outside… now to move on to the inside...

Letting go and moving forward...
Then was the business, it has to close… I can not be independent as long as I am running it. I make a ton more money owning my own daycare center than I ever will working at one but at the end of the day… it doesn't work. I have no benefits, I have no sick days, no vacation and if I leave… I have no income. We are short selling our home soon… we've rented a condo and I will be free of the business. Ready for my next adventure…. whatever it may be

Live… enjoy each moment.. 
I was sitting at home while my life passed me by. My husband is a homebody and in an attempt to get closer to him I sat here, getting fat and losing myself. This had to end! I started going out dancing, taking trips to LA to Pismo with the kids and just living in the moment. Grabbing what I want and not looking back. Vegas is booked for November. Planning our meet up was a way for me to live in the moment, to make friends and connect. You all helped me on this one a lot. It was so important for me to just put myself out there, be me and be okay with it. Have fun, get outside and live every moment with a smile. He can live his life in the confines of this house… I no longer do.

Stash the cash…
I started saving money just incase… who knows right… well all who know me.. know how that one went. I did lots of shopping… and paid for a tummy tuck. Stash gone, sexy belly… Check *****es!!! So that was a fail … but I did pretty good saving the 6 grand for my tummy tuck which is something I would have never thought I was capable of doing! I guess you never know what you're made of till the time comes… and you want something bad enough.. like abs..  then you make it happen. Now I know I can manage my money if I put my mind to it.

Education… get some girl!
I did my child development classes though a trade school at 18 years old, they are not transferable. With my experience I could easily get a job running a large program or working for a state agency making better money and with better benefits… but with out at least an AA they wont give me the time of day (and I don't blame them)… I have to start over… at ******g 31 I have to enroll in classes. I did that tonight… my first three and I feel ******g amazing!!!!!!!!!

So my big long story is just… I am doing it… its been hard, exciting, and mind numbing at times. But most of all I've learned that sometimes when you take a close look at where you are… you find its not where you want to be… and you can change that! You can transform into anything you want to be. It wont be a cake walk and trust me I've had nights where I sat up and cried. Wishing someone could just give me all the answers and fix **** for me.. but in the end its been such a journey of self discovery… what started as wanting a better marriage and a skinnier ass has continued into figuring out who I am now, not who I was but who I am.

I am no longer the16  year old, pregnant and confused, or the 19 year old engaged to a gay man trying to pretend things would "fix" themselves, or the 23 year old struggling to make ends meet alone with my daughter with no ho****er and no one to talk to about how scared I was that this was it for me. That this was my lot in life, or the 25 year getting married… living in the what could bes, walking into this new life blissfully unaware of just how hard marriage can be or the 28 year old having babies and dreaming of holding them in my arms, lost in a sea of house work and hormones. I look back and see how over the years… I "let life happen" to me, I never tried to grab it and take what I wanted… I just sat back and took the cards I was dealt hoping to get a good hand and never questioning anything. That girl is gone…Im down to the last item on my list… Im gonna get through school, whether its a fight at home or not. I deserve this.. and I need this and this time at 31 I am gonna be the girl who saw what she wanted and didn't let anything stand in her way. The girl who finished what she started and enjoyed every ******g step along the way. 

If you made it though all of this… thanks… and if not I totally get it… 

HI Angel, I can say that ...cause you're my "Angel".  I admire that you had the courage to get on here and blog about your life, cause it gave me hope.  I am too, struggling, in the same marital situation and feel stuck.  Partly because I'm so damn big, and partly cause I have grown into this person with low self image.  I hate that about myself and I want to make changes, just as you did.  I am inspired by your message and can say now after reading your blog that I am committed to making a list and following through.

Not only are you my oldest and dearest friend, but you are my angel and mentor as well.  I'm so proud of you!!!!!!  You don't even know!!!!!!

Let's keep moving forward and not look back!  I am getting presented to the surgeons in September and hopefully will have my surgery by November.  This is my path today, because you inspire me.

 Love you Lace….

Hey,  Life is a process.  You never just arrive at some point and stop.  It sounds like you have taken control and are doing it your way.  And regardless of the results, that's a whole lot more satisfying than just letting life happen to you.  I wish you the best of luck as you go through it.  I hope everything works out for you.  And if some things don't work out the way you want, I wish you the strength to take them on all over again.

Damn...there is a lot of truth....wisdom....and insight in that tiny 31 YO woman!  I'm proud of you Jen......go get some girl....you deserve to make your own fate.....you are off to a great start!   Vegas in Nov?......Hmmm  sounds like a "don't miss"  partay!

 Very inspirational   You should be so proud of what your doing, it takes guts! It's so hard to make changes when life has been a certain way for so long. Congrats on your success!

You have inspired me to make a list too.....Thank you !

It sounds like you are on the right track! You go!

Congratulations Jenn, it looks like you're definitely on the right track! Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns, it's not always about putting up with the hand you are delt but you trying to make whatever hand you get a winner. I know starting over and having to make a change is hard because I'm going through the same thing myself, but with your determination and the right attitude you will do great!

Keep up the good work,
John

Jen
This journey never ends. Life has a way of changing things in incredible ways - or I say you have the ability to change your life in incredible ways. I was always told by my parents to: Never let a man define who you are. You are responsible for you - your well being, happiness and peace of mind. So my sisters and I have always been independent strong women because of this - and now I see it in my daughters too... one in med school one and RN.

The journey does not end... you are the author of the Book of Jen. That is the awesome part of life - you get to determine the next chapter! SO proud of you girl - I have read each of your post (OH Stalker here) and I see you blossoming!

There is nothing that you cannot do - I don't mean to sound cliche but it is true! I love your strength and I will call "sassiness" ! The only thing that can ever hold you back is you!

May you have continued inner strength - make your dreams become reality!

Kim

I love this!!!
Reading your post should make every single one of us who always put everyone else first realize that it really is okay to put ourselves first sometimes.
You've given me some perspective and 'food for thought' on a decision I've been struggling with.
Thank you!