ugh what to do what to do?!
First of all, I am NOT a guy, but have a few things for you to consider. Also I am sorry you in this position.
Ask yourself: if you were financially ok, had your own job how would you look at this current SO? And wait until you FEEL emotionally, and mentally after you start to lose some wt. Your bf is already concerned. This is a typical reaction for guys that they will lose YOU if you start to attract other guys attention.
Do you have a back up plan IF suddenly he leaves or you two break up? I just have a feeling that if YOU were in a safer, more supportive environment, you'd KNOW what to do.
He is already showing you how well he can cope..not very well..more self centered which tells me HIS self esteem is at risk here..
Hugs my dear.. prayers headed your way~
Jan
Ask yourself: if you were financially ok, had your own job how would you look at this current SO? And wait until you FEEL emotionally, and mentally after you start to lose some wt. Your bf is already concerned. This is a typical reaction for guys that they will lose YOU if you start to attract other guys attention.
Do you have a back up plan IF suddenly he leaves or you two break up? I just have a feeling that if YOU were in a safer, more supportive environment, you'd KNOW what to do.
He is already showing you how well he can cope..not very well..more self centered which tells me HIS self esteem is at risk here..
Hugs my dear.. prayers headed your way~
Jan
VSG: 08/05/2011 Age 62 5 foot: HW: 207 SW 194 CW 156
hmm. wow i love your reply. ive never thought about it that way before. if i were financially sound w/ a job and my own place, i woulda left him a lOOONG time ago. its just convienet to have somewhere to stay. you're also right that i will change physically and mentally/emotionally after surgery and he'll only get worse the more i lose. i kinda have a backup plan. my parents and grandparents have already said im wlcomed to move in with them at any time i decide to heave him. and if i were living at home, i would not deal w/ this. i just feel stuck in my current situation cuz i live w/ him. thanks so much. prayers are appreciated. i love hugs. :-) thanks
starting weight: 341, goal weight: 150, 1st goal: 250, 2nd goal: 199, final goal: 150
I completely agree that you should leave him. He does seem manipulative for someone who supposedly cares about and loves you.
However - from the above post....I would say that you are also using him. You basically come out and say that you are staying with him because its convenient for you. That is not right either. You shouldn't string someone along if you feel its not going to work out.
Leave him now and let both of you move on with your lives.
Just my two cents.
However - from the above post....I would say that you are also using him. You basically come out and say that you are staying with him because its convenient for you. That is not right either. You shouldn't string someone along if you feel its not going to work out.
Leave him now and let both of you move on with your lives.
Just my two cents.
Ok I KNEW you already have the answer. Everything YOU need is within YOU!!
You are outgrowing both these guys. AND to me, I think i heard you say or imply that you NEED someone to be with cuz you don't like to be alone? Very typical for most of us women..until.. WE get OUR act together and know US first. You already are changing and listening tonight. BUT are you willing to do ANYTHING to keep your sanity and self esteem? FOLLOW THROUGH now. Make a plan and a back up plan.
He'll guilt you for sure, watch out for that. But hon, he is NOT in a good place for anyone, even himself now.
Do not fall for the "honey moon" stage where he'll promise you this or that..bring you flowers, say things we all ike to hear. Watch out for that.
Until YOU love yourself..first..no one else will...
Hugs hon, Jan
You are outgrowing both these guys. AND to me, I think i heard you say or imply that you NEED someone to be with cuz you don't like to be alone? Very typical for most of us women..until.. WE get OUR act together and know US first. You already are changing and listening tonight. BUT are you willing to do ANYTHING to keep your sanity and self esteem? FOLLOW THROUGH now. Make a plan and a back up plan.
He'll guilt you for sure, watch out for that. But hon, he is NOT in a good place for anyone, even himself now.
Do not fall for the "honey moon" stage where he'll promise you this or that..bring you flowers, say things we all ike to hear. Watch out for that.
Until YOU love yourself..first..no one else will...
Hugs hon, Jan
VSG: 08/05/2011 Age 62 5 foot: HW: 207 SW 194 CW 156
When I counsel couples who are getting married I give them a paper to fill out. It asks them to list at least 10 reasons that you love the other person. (I don't want he's cute, so is a puppy or anything like that) Then list the things that annoy you about the other person. Then list the things that you have the most trouble overcoming together in your relationship. It's a start. Try it out. Kind of like a pros and cons list.
But for you - I suggest you also write at least 10 reasons that you are worthy of a great relationship not the one you are settling for. Then a list of what goals you have for yourself - like your weight loss goals, or maybe go to college, get a job anywhere, etc. then seek out what it will take to reach the first goal.
B****he ex - stays the ex - because like was said before, there's a reason they're the ex. Either he left you or you left him. That grass is not greener, your mind is just painting it to look that way from the outside.
Good luck and remember you always have your OH family. You are never alone.
Colleen
But for you - I suggest you also write at least 10 reasons that you are worthy of a great relationship not the one you are settling for. Then a list of what goals you have for yourself - like your weight loss goals, or maybe go to college, get a job anywhere, etc. then seek out what it will take to reach the first goal.
B****he ex - stays the ex - because like was said before, there's a reason they're the ex. Either he left you or you left him. That grass is not greener, your mind is just painting it to look that way from the outside.
Good luck and remember you always have your OH family. You are never alone.
Colleen
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity and fear but a spirit of power and love and self discipline." 2 Tim. 1:7 So with HIS power, love and self-discipline - I WILL DO THIS!
HW:250 SW: 232 CW: 164 GW: 150
I can't give you advice on what to do, but I can tell you what works for me. The secret, IMHO, is to spend more time considering what will make my wife (of 30 years) happy, than what will make me happy. And she does the same thing! That's why she will travel with me and be at my side for my VSG next month. I have no worries whatsoever about my decision because I have her support 100%. For my part, I'm always mindful about how she is feeling. If things don't look right, I ask and listen. Why? Because if she isn't happy, I CAN'T be happy. It's just as simple as that. So, are you feeling loved and happy? There's your answer. Stewart
GRAVITY SUCKS
LEAD, FOLLOW, or GET OUT OF THE WAY !
LEAD, FOLLOW, or GET OUT OF THE WAY !
(deactivated member)
on 8/17/11 2:03 pm
on 8/17/11 2:03 pm
I am going to assume by your age that he is around mid 20's and male. That being true, he has all of the shortcomings of a 20 something year old male. The insensitivity, the "joking around" .... It's quite possible that he cannot really identify or cannot/ willnot come to grips with how or what he really feels. (fear? anger?) That would be a possible explanation for his snarky comments.
WLS for the person looking into it-is an attempt at metamorphisis. By it's nature it forces one to be self centered (which is exactly what it needs to do and where you need to be!) However, for the other partner all of the planning and the fretting and the what-if's ...it can be overwhelming. Especially if they thought their "rightful" place as "the center of your universe" is now gone forever. I have been in relationships myself around that age where I felt as if I went from "soulmate" to "convenient body pillow with a decent job and the car keys" in very short order......
Only you two know for certain the details of how you are treating each other, so I offer no advice except to say that as others opined before me...it's not looking good! However, for a while you are going to need to focus on you and your health. You would do best to not let anybody or anything shift your focus away from that. If it's strong, it will last. If not- you will survive. I would advise you to not let the ghosts of previous relationships in your past interfere with the new you you are trying to create. You can do this on your own if you have to and if you do, while it might feel lonely and scary- it will make you very strong. It sounds like you have a back up plan and a place to go if you need to. Best of luck!
WLS for the person looking into it-is an attempt at metamorphisis. By it's nature it forces one to be self centered (which is exactly what it needs to do and where you need to be!) However, for the other partner all of the planning and the fretting and the what-if's ...it can be overwhelming. Especially if they thought their "rightful" place as "the center of your universe" is now gone forever. I have been in relationships myself around that age where I felt as if I went from "soulmate" to "convenient body pillow with a decent job and the car keys" in very short order......
Only you two know for certain the details of how you are treating each other, so I offer no advice except to say that as others opined before me...it's not looking good! However, for a while you are going to need to focus on you and your health. You would do best to not let anybody or anything shift your focus away from that. If it's strong, it will last. If not- you will survive. I would advise you to not let the ghosts of previous relationships in your past interfere with the new you you are trying to create. You can do this on your own if you have to and if you do, while it might feel lonely and scary- it will make you very strong. It sounds like you have a back up plan and a place to go if you need to. Best of luck!
You cook his meals, you buy his groceries, you do his laundry, you do his dishes, you clean the house.
In exchange, you get hassled for turning on lights and wanting to breathe.
It's harder to get out of a bad marriage than it is to get out of a bad engagement.
Can you move your most valuable things to your parents' house before your surgery, and stay with your parents after your surgery instead of going home ("home")?
You have the opportunity to lose 230 lbs. before you even have your surgery. NOW is the time to be "selfish" and take care of YOU. Just say, you know, I just don't want to be a burden anymore. And don't look back.
In exchange, you get hassled for turning on lights and wanting to breathe.
It's harder to get out of a bad marriage than it is to get out of a bad engagement.
Can you move your most valuable things to your parents' house before your surgery, and stay with your parents after your surgery instead of going home ("home")?
You have the opportunity to lose 230 lbs. before you even have your surgery. NOW is the time to be "selfish" and take care of YOU. Just say, you know, I just don't want to be a burden anymore. And don't look back.
I am female, and have a daughter just a little younger than you, so I had to respond. As USAF Wife said, and as I have taught my daughter and said many times, including on this forum," people lie upwards"- in other words people lie and act to make themselves look BETTER( so if someone tells you something good or acts too good too be true TAKE IT SLOWLY AND MAKE THEM PROVE IT) BUT if someone is unkind, insensitive, petty,argumentative,insulting,etc,etc, they are showing you who they truly are-BELIEVE THEM. I know that like my daughter you don't want to hear this and I say this with the hindsight and experience of having been your age and survived- you are still so young with so much to discover about yourself and as you do you will realize your own worth and that even if you are in a relationship, if you are not valued, respected and supported you are really still alone. You cannot change anyone else, all you can do is work on becoming the person you are destined to be; you are starting on a great journey with this surgery and some roads have to be travelled alone, at least part of the way. I didn't read that you have children, so at this age and point in your life you have the luxury of focusing on yourself-enjoy it! And hindsight is always 20/20- don't focus on your ex right now- he is an ex for a reason! Just food for thought, and BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!!
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