Forgiving Me

So I was compelled to hop in the bathtub around 4AM and just sit and meditate over these changes that are happening.  I was wondering if anyone else is going through or has gone through this too?
  I havent been at this weight in over 15 years, and so much has gone on in the mean time. Those years were filled with bargaining with God (if you help me do this i'll...), disappointment at not being able to get my eating under control, obsession...lots of negative stuff when it comes to eating.  But it has been a good process too.  I've learned just how much of an impact events from the past have had on my life and how long they had a hold on me, as well as how to let go of the past, sincerely forgive people and myself (on everything but weight) among other positive things.   I've learned and am still learning to be a better person, yet the one thing I could never forgive myself or seem to control was my foodlust.  I have been wrestling with this idea for a week or so, and I decided to forgive myself for  the bad choices and embrace where I am at this very moment.  I know this is not where I want to stay, but I must recognize that this is a good place to b!.

Finally you are forgiven one has to forgive them selves and you have.What a journey you are undertaking!!!!{i like my midnight hence 3am soul searching myself.Now enjoy your day!!!!

 That is awesome....self loathing & anger is never productive, but I would say we all do it sometimes and the hardest person to forgive for mistakes is ourselves....especially if we have a perfectionist streak....it's maddening to try to be perfect and not have the self control we want in all areas of our lives....

Keep up the good work....in weight loss and in coming to love yourself and accept yourself.... :)

Thanks guys!  I know how hard i am on myself with this issue....and early morning reflection rocks!!!

Since the age of 7, my birthday wish was always to be a normal weight. As I got older, I put on more weight. I'd diet and lose weight but just couldn't keep it up and have the weight come back plus some. I've had a weight problem since 5 years old. Everything bad that happens to me is because of my weight...or at least that's how I think.
I'm scared of being a normal weight and not being able to blame my weight anymore. I'm nervous about getting thinner and receiving the attention that I've never gotten before. I'll be the skinny ***** I've always hated. I'm used to being the fattest in my family, not riding roller coasters, feeling ashamed of my weight. I can't even imagine what 150 is going to feel like. Or not being able to hide my feelings in food, celebrate with food, create happiness with food.

I know exactly how you feel.  I have been overweight since I was about 10, and I'd grown accustomed to being the big girl with the pretty face.  It is normal to be scared.   I gotta tell ya,  I almost unplugged and ran out of the hospital, hospital gown (and buttocks) flapping in the wind!  But I had to choose me this time.  I needed to show myself more love and forgiveness, and having this surgery was a final piece of the puzzle.  Im sure our stories are similar, all the diets and yo-yoing, and all of the guilt, shame, and ridicule.  There was even a part of me that was...affronted by my desire and committment to do this.  But we must do it anyhow.  Dont worry about 150 Mews, just take it to that next step.  In the next few months you will be amazed, and in a years time? You will be blown away.

I did mourn my relationship with food, and you might too.  Even with the joys of losing fat, I wanted to celebrate with food, but couldnt.  It was my constant companion, my drug of choice. Even though it was leading me to an early grave, I was almost happily walking alongside. So long as I didnt look in a mirror at my lower body.  So long as I ignored what other folks were saying.  So long as I didnt look too hard at how similar my habits and other drug addicts habits were...so long as i didnt look myself in the mirror smack dab in the eye.  I still LOVE food.  And I eat GOOD food, just not as much.  I am not a tofu and bean curd girl.  And the ghrelin removal has saved my life.  The food lust is not strong, unless its close to my monthlies, and even still its a great improvement. 

I did have one panick attack during this weight loss process that was triggered by looking in my closet, but brought out a lot of those fears that I really didnt voice. All this is to say you may mourn, you may be scared, you may look back and say 'what did I do?' but I doubt you will regret it.  You will still be you, just a healthier you!!