3 month anniversary and so sad

 today is 3 months out for me.  i'm feeling really sad.  questioning myself as to how i let my weight get out of control, how i couldn't see how disgusting my body looked, how i went out in public looking as i did.  
even now, i've lost 63 pounds and i still see myself as disgusting.  each month my husband takes pics of me and we compare them to the previous months.  you can definitely tell a difference, but to me, i still look horrendous.  my arms look like little sausage rolls, my calves are almost as wide as my waist it feels like.  i just am in disbelief of where i was and how i was even going out in public when i was 60 + pounds heavier.   

i know i'm judgemental of myself, and i know i did a good thing for myself, but when do i start loving myself?  when do i feel good about how i look and stop judging myself?  

i just don't know how or when i let it get this bad.  this is the least i've weighed in over 13 years and i'm not happy yet.  i'm just worried this body image thing is going to get the best of me.  i rarely look in the mirror, never wear make up, and just don't really care about how i look anymore.  
i dont' get it.  some days i'm thrilled with my progress and the sizes i can fit into, and days like today, i see pictures of myself and want to throw up.  
i didn't do this to look good, i did it to be healthy.  but as i see all these pictures of how amazing people are looking, i can't help but be hopeful that i will look that good one day too.  

just ranting.  thanks for reading. 

Body image is a strange thing and I understand how you feel.   For me I think I just got to a certain point where I really stopped looking or really paying attention to how big I was.  Thankfully one day I woke up and really started looking in the mirror and realizing that a very obese person was looking back.  Just recently after losing over 75 pounds I somehow felt bigger and not smaller.  I think that comes from us really starting to pay attention to ourselves and to our bodies.  I don't think anyone can really tell you when you will stop judging yourself.  It may be never and that may be part of the motivation you need.   Just keep doing what you are doing and you will be at goal and then hopefully when you look in the mirror that thinner, heathier and happier person will be smiling back.

 thanks... i do feel bigger and not smaller and that's a great description of how my mind is working right now.  it makes sense that because we are so aware of our bodies that we would spend time looking at them.  i guess when i was heavier i spent all my time avoiding looking at myself, and now that i'm staring, i guess i'm critiquing.  

thanks again. will have to discuss with my counselor next week... 

I can totally relate. I keep reminding myself that I am so much healthier now and eventually I will have the body that I once that I could only dream of. However, when I see myself now I do feel so huge because I guess for so many years I just stopped looking. I was always amazed at certain times how big I was and how it seemed like it happened overnight.

Thank God those days are closer to being behind me and I am claiming Permanently!

You should not be beating yourself up over the past honey! You are doing a wonderful job. I am not the best at support (saying the right things, yada yada) but I found this book that is helping me alot prepare me for surgery and I really think it may help you!!

Its called " The Emotional First Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery"

Heres a link.. I really do like it, maybe go borrow from a library before you buy it, because it is an expensive book for how small it is, but I think it is worth it.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-First-Aid-Kit-Practical/dp/0 976852659/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325208600&sr=8-1

Do you have a, therapist or a professional to talk to about this? I dont want you to lose all your weight and hit the spiral path "how gross the skin looks and it looked better filled out"

 thanks, i do have someone i have been seeing for years... she specializes in food addiction issues and has been such a huge supporter in my journey.  i see her on tuesday (every 2 weeks).  i'm hoping to be able to work with the head as my body does it's own thing while in the fast-losing stages.  

You really should find a good therapist who specializes in disordered eating.  Often, our weight is a result of our thought processes and not the other away around.  You won't magically start loving yourself when the scale reaches a certain number.  You will love yourself because you know that you are deserving of love. 

Counseling is one of the best gifts that I have ever given myself.  I truly think that everyone on this journey could benefit from it.  We don't end up fat just because we really like food -- there is usually a lot of underlying issues behind our obesity.

Jessica--I honestly think this whole experience you are going thru is actually a necessary part of our journey. I am 11 months out, have lost 131 pounds, and still feel like a tubbie (BMI is 24.4)--so it is our messed up "body dysmorphia" that we are dealing with here. From what everyone on here says, it can take up to 3 years to actually see a better person looking back at us from the mirror. I only look in the mirror now to make sure my "slip is not showing." I do not preen or gaze endlessly. I am buying great clothes now and that is fun, although I feel like I am dressing some other person, not me. It is all "body dysmorphia" and probably reams have been written about it. Don't worry, we all go thru it, esp if we have been fat for years. Just keep losing, feeling better, and count your health blessings right now, if you cannot count your body image blessings. Good luck on your journey! You will do fine, because you are confronting your demons head on.

 thanks... it sucks because i logically know all this.  however emotionally am a wreck. lol.  i was a psych major in college, have worked with people dealing with addictions myself, go to an OA support group, and see a counselor.  if i was someone else, i'd know exactly what to tell myself.  it helps to hear that we all go through it.  and i have been fat for years, but i feel like i also was in denial about my fat-ness.  didn't realize how big and unhealthy i actually was.  was normal weight in h.s. 20 years ago (135-145), gained 40 pounds the summer after graduating, and 10 pounds a year thereafter reaching 287 as my highest weight ever.  met my husband in 1999 and was around 225 and am now 217.  you'd think as my weight went down my confidence would go up, but not so it looks like.