Sharing

I am sitting in Starbucks procrastinating - I should be working on a presentation.

So today I had my therapist appointment.  I go two times a month in addition to 2 - 4 support groups a month.  I put as much energy into my mental aftercare right now as I do my physical aftercare.

I wanted to share some of my own conclusions out of today and this week for those of you who may be going through some of the same things.  Over on the maintenance forum a lot of these thoughts are brought on by a conversation I had with Vy and Eric yesterday.

I am currently UNDER my maintenance zone.  I am in the unfamiliar territory of actually need to gain a pound or two back.

What Eric mentioned to me yesterday that hit me like a ton of bricks is that I need to learn to trust my body again.  In many ways I need to learn to trust myself again.  I also realized today that I have gotten lazy or complacent with my mental exercises.  I also have NOT been taking my own advice that I give newbies all the time.  This is all related, let me explain.

Throughout my weight loss, I tried to employ all of my wonderful strategies to work on my eating compulsions.  If I felt the urge to eat I examined myself closely.  I work on redirecting those impulses, retraining my compulsion, avoiding triggers.  I developed an affinity for exercise.  I learned a lot about myself.

The positive reinforcement for this work was the weight loss.  This was doubly reinforced when I would reward myself for hitting weight goals by doing something with DH or clothes.  It worked.

I hit my goal.  I started eating more calories.  It seems all I do now is eat.  I still use my tools, I log every bite.  I exercise.  I do not break my calorie goals on a daily basis.  I get usually well over 100g of protein a day.

I got this, Right?

Wellll......

I am still losing.  I suck at maintenance.  Whats going on?

#1 - I don't listen to my body.  How many times have I told a newb "Listen To Your Body"?  Someone with more time than I can go count.  When my stomach is empty and making sounds - it wants food.  That is not in my head.

#2 - I have gotten lazy with my tools.  In exactly the opposite way of what got me fat in the first place.  I am ASSUMING every time I feel hunger that it is head hunger - just because I am alone when I get hungry.  I follow my plan - to a T.  I really didn't realize until today that I was doing this.  I was proud of myself for effectively combating head hunger.

#3 - I dont trust myself.  Bottom line, 1 and 2 became issues because I don't trust myself to know the difference between a physical need for food and head hunger.  So I got lazy and assumed every time I wanted to eat was head hunger.  I listened to my body and then told it to shut the hell up.  

#4 - My Weight scares me.  Every pound lost is a victory.  Every pound gained is a gateway to the next pound.  Even though I am below my weight goal, I still thrill to see the scale go a little bit lower.  I feel a little thrill when it does.  Cognitively I know I should be more aggressive in getting back into my maintenance zone.  Theres a little piece of me that wants to see how much further it will go.  I am Pavlov's dog and instead of salivating when the bell rings, I salivate when I reach a new low weight I have never seen before.

The thing is I knew this was coming.  Both on here and IRL, people told me that maintenance was the head trip.  The rules for maintenance are different than weight loss.  That was part of my reason for starting my 1-on-1 therapy when I got close to maintenance.  I knew I would need help making sure that I stayed on track.  

The funny thing is that I am not having trouble where I thought I would when I began this journey.  My issues now are not with food choices.  I am making good food choices.  The problems I am struggling with are me, learning how to manage the new me.  Trusting that I can manage my eating and not let it overtake me again.  Its still the same all or nothing thinking that caused me to abandon a million weight loss efforts before.  This time my reaction is a different direction.

I post this as much as myself as for you.  By writing I process my thoughts; the abstract is made concrete.  I hope this illustrates for many of you that read my posts that this journey is a long one.  In many ways the weight is only incidental - for my journey its really not even interesting.  The weight is a reflection of the struggles in my head.  The tide has turned and now I am facing those issues instead of running from them and medicating with food.  I lost the weight.  

Just because I lost the weight does not mean I have them beat or under control.  Those are illusions.  I have beaten nothing, I have conquered nothing.  I am learning to manage my condition.  This is a process that will last me rest of my life. 

So this does not end on a bleak sounding note I will repeat what I have said many times.  My life is infinitely better because of this journey.  Its just that what changed my life was not the surgery, or the weight loss, but ME.  I changed, and everything else is a reflection of that change.

Thanks for sharing! You are great at expressing yourself. Many of your posts have shed light on things that I need to focus on. Therapy scares me. I don't understand why really. Maybe because I was forced to go when I was 17. Maybe because I am so good at burying things and never thinking about them again. But I wonder how much help I could get from one.

Thank you for sharing.  I have really enjoyed reading your posts!!

 I love your posts, Rob. Thank you so much for taking the time to share with us.

Spot on, as usual.

It's so important to learn to listen to our bodies. I had to learn the hard way that there was no way my body could handle me doing what I need to be an effective teacher, plus exercising in the evenings, plus everything else we naturally do that burns calories, on the amount of food I was eating over the summer. I have really struggled with this, because like you I had gotten into the habit of just assuming it was always head hunger- and I suddenly found myself feeling very weak. Not good.

IMHO, the trick is making sure that one can tell the difference between head hunger and real hunger before deciding what to do about it. For me, making sure that I a properly hydrated and that I'm not just thinking about food because I'm bored play a huge role in determining what is making me think I'm hungry. I'm sure there are plenty of other details to watch for, but those are the two most prevalent for me.

I have a about 40 pounds to go to get to goal... and I have to admit that in a way I'm scared of getting there. I've never been that light as an adult. Ever. And, I know that maintenance is just the next step in the journey... and I can see how changing things up a bit might be a challenge.

I love how thoughtful your posts are. You're doing great

Another wonderful, thoughtful post, Rob. Thanks for always sharing with us.

Two thoughts for you, Rob...


1. As I have said to a thousand people for a thousand problems, the first step to fixing any problem is knowing exactly what the problem is. You are doing the right thing by going to therapy and also doing work in your own head to sort things out. You have used your surgery tools so masterfully, I have no doubt that you'll be just as good at using your therapy tools. One of the things I have most admired about you from the day I started posting on OH is that you are so honest- with others and with yourself. Honesty does not equal perfect, but it makes all the difference in being able to truly help yourself.


2. You have to remember that you are, once again, a newbie. It took diligence, support, and hard work at the beginning of your journey. Now you are a newbie at maintenance, and you're going to have to do all that work over again. Daunting? I'm sure. Possible? Absolutely. You CAN do this. You WILL do this. I am sure if it. But it's a whole new process- don't beat yourself up for not getting it right in the first try.

 Thanks for the reply Alexis.  I am in no way beating myself up!  That is the first and best learned lesson - A bad choice or a bad experience does not doom us to failure or a repeat.  The only failure in a bad choice is to not learn from it.

Honesty as you point out is always key!  I always say you have to be more honest with yourself in this process that you would be facing God.

Excellent point about being a newb again!  I hadn't thought about it from that perspective!

Unlike many who have had VSG, I've never lost a significant amount of weight. In fact, my weight was very stable for about the last 10 years, since shortly after high school. I have a feeling I'm going to struggle a bit with maintenance when I get there, too. You may be giving me the same advice this time next year!

Perfect timing! This is what I was wondering. When you're losing, it's like you're pushing towards a goal, it's very proactive. But maintenance, that seems like it could feel like treading water.The "goal" is to remain the same weight and I could see how hard that is to wire our brains for. We go from go, go, go  and then stay stay stay.I understand your fear of gaining if you give in. I totally get that. I want to hug you. I know you will figure this out so thank you for sharing. I am looking forward to watching you progress. I am thankful you reached goal before me!!