Marriage after Sleeve...

I'm really starting to worry about how my relationship with my husband is going to change. He is pretty opposed to surgery for himself right now, but he has over 150 pounds too lose. He promised me that with me making changes that he would make them too. I know I'm less than 2 weeks out, but I don't see any changes happening. He keeps saying things like "I'm eating healthier", I asked him to set up an MFP account so he could track but he said "tracking isn't my thing". I can respect that, but he doesn't really pay any attention to how much or what he consumes. He doesn't weigh himself, and his idea of healthy eating is 5 pieces of pizza instead of 7.  I am super frustrated. I can tell this is all weird and hard for him. We're not eating buddies anymore. That was honestly something that we loved to do together. We'd sit and have a bowl of ice cream and watch our shows, and I think he is mourning that part of our relationship just as much as I am. He gave me a hug yesterday and told me my body feels different and that by the time I hit my goal weight I'm going to be too boney for him and he likes my squishy parts. I know that he does, but that just really hurt my feelings. He has seen how hard I have worked the last couple of months to change my life and he doesn't take any of this seriously. Anyway, I'm just wondering if any of you guys have experienced this and what to do. I'm just scared that if he doesn't change there's going to become a huge void between us because we'll be living two different lives. 

Mary,
   I know how exciting it is as the weight starts coming off and we lead a healthier life.  We want to share it with the world!  Thing is ... he'll be ready when he's ready.  We can be encouraging, but there's a fine line between encouraging and pushing.  Pushing could cause him to dig his heels in, sort of "stop telling me what to do."  Even when we are doing it with love, and with the best possible motivation.

My suggestion is concentrate on YOU.  Live your healthy new life and as he sees the changes in you, it might be what he needs to think maybe HE can do it too.  But I'd stop making "suggestions" on what he should eat or not eat.

I know for me, personally, I *hated* it when people made "gentle suggestions" to me regarding food or exercise.  I resented it and it embarrassed me.  And ultimately, I suspect, I might have eaten more because of it.  He knows he's overweight and doesn't need that fact thrown in his face, know what I mean?

Just my two cents!

 I'm sorry to be one of those direct vets, but I am not very good at writing in a political correct way, I do wish the best for you. Now, here is my response:

Do you want to stay married?

Then focus on making the changes you need to make, it is hard enough to do this journey for yourself, and it is impossible to impose it on someone else (especially if they haven't had surgery), maybe your success will inspire him, but the truth is, it might bring out insecurities in him that were there all along, and excaserbate (sp?) them. There is a reason why he likes the "squishy" parts, only he knows why.

There is a saying here, and I will say it again, If your marriage had "issues" before the VSG, they will be magnified and your relationship might suffer greatly. If you had a strong, supportive marriage, then you will hopefully still have that after the "journey"

My husband likes "short and round" women, but he understood on a logical level that diabetes kills. We have survived this long and windy head trip, but I never tried to get him to lose weight or drop the hot dogs, he lost 30lbs just because I was cooking differently.

Again, best of luck.

Heather

You did this when YOU were ready. HE is not. I'd lay off and let him make his own decisions. It's hard, but there's nothing you can do to change his mind or anything, right now, he probably sees it as nagging and you trying to bully him into your own new lifestyle.

I can totally relate. I'm about to go for surgery. My husband and I love to cook together, to eat together. We love to drink together. All the things that are about to change. We do talk about the new healthy foods that we'll eat. But i can still hear his mentality when he talks. "in the winter we should go away for a weekend get a bunch of snacks and hang out" then I'll give him the look and he's like "oh yea". So that scares me. My husband isnt over weight, in fact before me he like skinny woman, i was the one who made him appreciate a curvy "comfy" girl lol. I'm so afraid of where this journey will take our marriage, but i think everyone is right, we have to focus on ourselves and our health and have faith that everything else will fall into place as it's suppose to.

I agree -- and I'm coming from the "other side".  My husband is in great shape. He does Cross Fit, etc.  We've been married for 30 years, and I weighed 200# when we got married.  He has seen me struggle with my weight, and has done his best to be supportive -- but clearly, I've not been successful, or I wouldn't need VSG.  But in my mind, I was doing the best I could to lose weight at the time.

My point is that in your husband's mind, he is trying.  Cutting down from 7 pieces of pizza to 5 is making an effort -- not nearly the effort that you are making, but it's a start. 

But things will never be the same, from the eating perspective.  If your relationship is truly a three-way (the two of you and food), then you may have to really work at building a new relationship wtihout food.

Plus, your husband may be scared that once you lose weight, you'll be more attractive to other men as well -- and he could lose you. 

Statistically, weight loss at this level changes things in a marriage.  You might want to consider counseling now to help you both understand how things could change and to develop a plan for strengthening your relationship. 

Best of luck!

I see all of your points, and in some ways I do agree with them. I know if he was nagging me, it would **** me off, and in fact he has in the past and it DID **** me off, so that I get, and I get it's not fair to him to place my expectations on to him. I agree with all of that.  This is the issue I have in particular: 

We are facing infertility issues, and instead of going the IVF route, we decided that losing weight was a better way to go. Both of us. I decided that for me surgery was the route I was going to go especially because of issues with PCOS. Anyway, he said that surgery is not for him but that he ABSOLUTELY would lose weight with me. I don't feel like I decided to do this, I feel like WE decided to do this and that was one of the major pulls for me. I wanted to feel like we were partners, doing this together, Right now what I feel is not all excited. Sure it is exciting to see the scale go down, but the rest right now is really hard, scary, lonely and isolating. I was assured by him that I would have a partner in all of this, that I would not be alone, that he would be right there with me, and now that is not the case. I don't want to push him, I don't want to create problems in my marraige, and I don't want him to do something he doesn't to do. I do want someone who is willing to uphold a promise and be there for me. 

I don't have a problem with him liking my squishy parts, what I have a problem with is the fact that he isn't doing anything to show me support. How about "honey, you feel different, I think you're doing great." I get that it's hard for him, I do. I just need him right now, and all I feel is by myself. 

Then TELL him what you need. I've been married almost 20 years, I'm lucky in that my marriage has only gotten better and better with each and every year that has gone by and every pound that dissolves. BUT tell him.

If I need him to just listen and not give suggestions about something I'll say, "Okay, I need to vent about something and just have you listen and not tell me how to fix it".... or I'll say, "I need to whine about my body skin and have you NOT sit there and tell me I look great, I just need you to understand and listen for a minute"... or I'll say "I need to hear I look really great today because I feel like crap".

They don't know unless you tell them. It seems "fake" at first, but trust me... they appreciate it and you appreciate getting what YOU need too.

The WLS issues are one thing. The infertility issues are another> If he said he would support the decision,ya'll made together for you to have the surgery in hopes of decreasing your infertility,and he said he would make changes  that he felt he could make ,and he is NOT making those changes,then is he someone you want to trust the life and happiness of a child with? If he can't/ won't live up to these committments that he freely made with you,how can you trust him with any other committments?

This is getting to be not just about you and him and the committments you made to each other,but committments you will be making to a WHOLE OTHER PERSON. I know you know this. It is very serious between the two of you but a child?

If he can't follow thru on the committments we made together,I am afraid I would never be able to trust him with a child of mine.

Gl it is a difficukt situation and I sincerely wish you well.

Do YOU.

Try to imagine if the shoe were on the other foot.

If it was him who got the surgery and you weren't there yet. Eating, once your couple-activity would be tense and you'd feel self conscious with every bite you took in front of him. You'd feel like he was silently judging you (because it would be true) and counting every slice of pizza you ate. If he wanted you to join a gym or track all your food? You'd hate it and it would be a sore/guilty spot every time he walked out the door to go without you. Think of everything you've said in your post, if it was you and not him. The "old you". Sounds like pure hell to me.

I am not trying to beat up on you but what you are doing is driving a huge wedge between you. Making someone feel bad about themselves because of their weight breeds nothing but shame, guilt and resentment. Is that what you want to be to him? If you think it will help him along with eating less, you are so wrong. Don't sabotage your marriage!