Marriage after Sleeve...

I can completely understand where you are coming from.

I'll admit, that when I read your first post I thought you just needed to lay off him.  Afterall, it was your decision to have surgery and not his.  But when I read about your infertility issues and how you guys made a decision as a couple to try to lose weight to improve your odds of having a baby...  well, I would feel the same way in your shoes.  It's like you guys made a pact, and you jumped in feet first only to look back and see that he stayed behind,barely sticking his toe in the pool.

I can absolutely understand why you feel let down by your husband right now.  When you add the layer of the emotional pain that comes along with infertility, it's definitely a formula for some marital drama.  Unless, that is, you can forgive him for not jumping in right away and accept him for where he is at right now.

You don't have the ability to control what your husband chooses to do.  So I think you can do yourself a big favor by just letting go of that.  You catch him eating a bag of oreos... let it go.  That's on him, and you are busy working on you.   I know it's hard when you thought you had a teammate by your side in all of this, but try to just focus on yourself.   Even if you were the only one to lose weight, you'd still greatly improve your odds of conception. 

Besides, give your husband time.  He either will or will not choose to make lifestyle changes (and, if I were a betting woman, I'd say that he will! It's hard not to when you, as the wife, change how you cook, how you shop, and how you spend your freetime... he's sure to lose at least a few pounds just through lifestyle change osmosis!). 

Try to approach your husband with nothing but acceptance, but also with gentle encouragement when he shows signs that he is really ready for a change. Right now, though, it's all about YOU YOU YOU!!  :)  Take at least the next 12 months to allow yourself to spoil yourself with attention.  Eat well, exercise, buy nice fitting clothes for your changing body, work on any food issues you might have, do whatever it takes to keep yourself motivated and inspired.  It's the year of you.   Believe me, this is the best time to do it... before motherhood! ;)

Sending you lots of cyberhugs. Hang in there. 

I couldn't agree more with everyone who has said FOCUS ON YOU.

For what it's worth, I share your concerns. I have just recently made the decision to have the surgery, and consulted with a surgeon earlier this week. So I'm on the path. Since I made the decision, DH has lost his food mind. He is cooking eggs in bacon grease and just this past Tuesday he brought home 3 boxes of bakery cookies and 4 GINORMOUS sweet rolls on Tuesday. REALLY? Are you serious? So for now I'm kinda choosing to have a food memorial of sorts but it raises concerns for me too. He is supportive of the surgery, of anything I want to do really, but doesn't see it as a major lifestyle change for US. I'm fearful that he will continue to sabotage me unconsciously. I'm fearful he will not get on board. And frankly, I'm fearful that if he doesn't my feelings for him will change. That said, I need to focus on me and what's right for my health. I need to be a good example for our daughter. I need to be around to raise her.

So I'm being selfish. I'm doing this for me. I will get healthy for me, and for her, and for him in that order. And if he doesn't get on board, I will look for my support elsewhere (as in here and through some girlfriends who also struggle with their weight and body image.)

Proud of you. Keep up the good work!

                                        

I don't live in a WLS commune.  I needed VSG for ME....I walk it ALONE.
been w/ DH for 35 years...he is a certified junk food junkie!  I buy him that crap. I rarely if EVER touch it. Just as he has his crap ,available to him 24/7... I have my safe foods...available to ME..24/7 ...he never touches it... thinks its disgusting! I think the **** he eats is disgusting!

Those foods  MADE ME SICK! obesity, diabetes 2, hyperlipiemia, hypertension. Even tho this crap stares at me 24/7 I won't touch it!  Why would I? ...I got my own "safe" foods that have kept me WELL and free of obesity.... for 4 years. I haven't starved, Ive never felt deprived... Meals I cook for the family ..I eat my safe foods, make my adjustments/modify at meals...and let them eat what I consider junk.  Bein a Latina..cooking many mexican dishes..surprisingly it has been VERY EASY for me to give up foods of my culture...because THEY MADE ME SICK!! ...like tortillas (I rarely eat anything w/ flour) , corn & rice! rarely if ever in 4 years....that's how I see whatever meal is before me. Does this food feed my body, keep me well or does/did it contribute to MY obesity, my disease/s....that were RESOLVED 3 months post VSG.  I am forever mindful of the powerful gift I have been given I do not take it for granted...chronically anyway. I ain't no angel that's for sure....but I keep MY FOCUS...ON ME first.  

YA really ...need to quit with the nagging.  WALK YOUR WALK...BE STRONG in YOUR decision -YOUR need to have VSG. Leave others alone!  

.the strongest form of flattery is by imitation...LEAD by example....Let him come around on HIS TERMS...NOT YOURS!

I know you say to yerself...he ain't being supportive cuz he won't do what YOU want...but that's a BOLD FACED LIE and you know it!  
He may say all kinds of silly things as ya drop the pounds...focusing on your path......you can take it how you want it...same w/  VSG you get what you give. Men in our lives...get real insecure...VSG affects everyone...not just us! Reassure him...that you LOVE HIM unconditionally! no strings attached!  He misses his piehole stuffing buddy....HIS PROBLEM...ain't yours. STAY THE COURSE!!


Be kind to one another! Let this minor ****be just that....minor **** ....get on with YOUR post op life. Enbrace the changes, search the good, keep positive....and 

Like Micheal J Fox says...KEEP THE FIGHTING CLEAN and the SEX DIRTY ,-)

Here is my two sense:  A while ago all of us were obese and food was our bestfriend.  Somewhere we all had a light click on in our heads that we wanted to make a positive change in our lives, hence the VSG.  You are 2 weeks post op, I assume you remember 1 month ago or so when you could eat whatever you wanted?  Your hubby is still there, give him a break.  If you ride him he will eat to satisfy himself.  Love the man you are married to and remember you were there just a few short weeks ago.  Are you cooking meals?  My family has gotten healthier just because I cook for them and make meals I can eat as well.  And as you get healthier, show him how fun things can be between a husband and wife and he might come around on his own, wink, wink!!

Best of luck. 

Heather

You cant change people, he might never want to change and that is something you will have to face if you choose to maintain that relationship. Please know that I am not saying get a divorce but  this battle is so much harder with out the support of your spouse, especialy when he is someone who needs to make a change as well.

Good luck! 

Mario

I am pretty sure that you are not going to like my advice, I am sorry about this, but I think this is a very important time in your life and you deserve the truth from me as I see it.

Your husband is scared.  He is scared that he can't be the man you want him to be and that you will most likely move on after you lose the weight.  He is scared that a huge part of your life together is over and he is in morning.  Yes, he promised to be there for you, but the reality of what that means is overwhelming to him right now and he can't do what he promised.  He is probably angry and hurt and scared.  Not a great place to be.

On the other hand, you need his support and encouragement.  You do not need for him to change his eating, you just need him to fully support you.  You might seriously consider thinking about this from a different perspective.  Sit down and really think about what you NEED from him, not what you would like, but what you actually NEED in order to make this marriage work.  My guess is that you need him to show you and tell you in no uncertain terms that you are the most important person to him and that he will care, love and support you through this no matter how hard it is for him to do it.  Tell him that you need a hero right now, you need him to be your night in shining armor and then break it down for him as to what that really means.  Put the dots really close together, man can be a bit dense about this.  Tell him that you will love him no matter what weight he is, and that you understand that his health is his responsibility and you will not nag him anymore about it.  You might even want to apologize for the nagging you already did.  Then, tell him that your health is your responsibility and you are fully committed to this and need his support.  Tell him that if can fully be there for you now, your marriage will forever become stronger and you will always remember that he did everything he could to be your support and your shoulder when you really needed him.  Make it clear that you love him as he is and you need him, you need him with all your heart.  Man love to be needed but they hate being nagged.  Give him a huge hug after this talk and tell him that marriage is for life, and it's moments like these that really shape your future and you believe in him.  Don't forget to give him tons of affection both physically and emotionally as you do this.  If he is the man for you, he will show up and be your hero, if he doesn't show up, you might never really forgive him and the marriage is will need serious counseling.  Don't get pregnant until this is all fully resolved, as the pregnancy and baby will only make all of this much, much harder. 

 Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I guess I wasn't clear. We already have a son. We had fertility issues then too, but somehow with a lot of luck, we got him. We are trying for number 2. 

Anyway, I also have to say that I am very very clear about what I need from him. I don't expect him to know what I'm feeling. I tell him and I tell him what to expect from me as well. It's just that he doesn't always follow through with that. What he eats/does is really just a fraction of that. One thing I guess that'****ting me over the head with your advice, is that my attempts are failing, and they're not going to work.  No matter what I say he has to make the choices himself, so I WILL lay off, but I'm not going to lie, it terrifies me, and not just because it means I won't have a partner, it's because I'm scared it will make me a widow. Night after night I have to hear the sleep apnea, and wonder when his last breath will be. Everytime he puts back a few slices of pizza I have to wonder when the heart attack is coming because he lost his mother when she was in her 40's from heart disease and his uncle had the same fate also in his 40s. His paternal grandfather died of a stroke and his father and brother also have high blood pressure as does he. THe crazy thing is that he's the only one who is obese out of all of those people, so in my mind he's a ticking time bomb. So it's HARD for me not to nag him or tell him to try harder, but the truth is I guess I have to lay off, and let him decide if he's going to live or die. I can't make that decision for him. Thinking about all this makes me sick. What I do, I do for myself and for my family. I don't know. I just don't want to lose my husband and I definitely don't want my son to lose his dad. UGH. 

Anyway, thank you. I guess the plan is to keep on keepin' on, with or without him. It just makes me cry to think that maybe he'll never do this, but all I can do, is hope that he does. 

Hugs to you, there is no easy answer here.  My heart goes out to you.  It is so hard to watch the destructive behaviors of our loved ones and not be able to make any changes for them.  Changing you is your best game plan here.  By making your own changes, you are changing the equilibrium of your entire family structure.  That, in itself, will bring change.  Hugs again and good luck to you.  Who knows, maybe he will get encouraged and eventually come around after watching your success.  Either way, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family.

I couldn't count the number of times I committed to eating healthy and losing weight.  I didn't promise someone else, but I promised myself, and I let myself down.   It took years before I got the surgery to help me keep my promise this time.  I'm sure he meant it when he committed to weight loss.  It's a hard promise to keep.  He'll do it when he's ready.  Just focus on you right now.

Thank you. I am feeling a bit better today. I think I just really needed to have a little breakdown, and then move forward. I am teaching myself new coping skills and really just learning about myself. In some ways I feel like a little baby, I'm so used to using food to help me feel better, and I think without it I really am so emotionally exposed. Anyway, I am trying to focus on me, I am a lot more hopeful that my hubby will follow suit at some point.