The Pain of Dealing...

This weekend has been quite a crappy one for me. I'm better today but still wounded. Let me expand.

I work for a family owned business. My father and step-mother(monster as I lovingly refer) run the company and I have worked for them for over 12 years as does my husband. Their relationship is rocky most days and is not one I would consider healthy. They often disrespect each other and speak in tones I would never use on a mongrel, much less a human being. When she cannot speak to my father in such a way, I am the next "whipping dog" in line. I don't mean she is truly a monster, but her behavior is not the best and certainly not one fitting a step-parent. Relationships of this nature are complicated enough, and we all run a family business together besides. I am not a victim as I choose to be here every single day, but I do overlook quite a bit in the name of family harmony.

All that being said, Friday turned into an uproar after hours as SM had a meltdown about things not getting completed according to her timeline. I apologized which didn't suit her as it was time for a good old fashioned tantrum. I stood up to her(as best one can in a text) and told her she expected too much from me, that I would correct the situation, but I didn't appreciate being spoken to(at) in such a way. This devolved over the course of the evening into "I know you've always hated me" remarks on her part as justification for her behavior and how there was "no excuse" for my mistake and how "I should find somewhere else to work". At this point in the evening I realized I had swung at the pitch thrown in the dirt and there was no good way to exit this conversation with dignity and grace. For the record, I did not say anything to her for which I will EVER apologize and I did not lower myself to responding to juvenile claims as I don't think name calling and bringing up the past are useful. This conversation started about work and should have been left in that context. As one would say, I didn't want to "go there."

I informed her I would quietly leave my job at the earliest possible opportunity. This was the wrong answer too and further devolved the unhealthy relationship my parents have. There were threats of divorce if I actually left and plenty of blame on both sides. Of course, to keep the peace, I agreed to remain on and that bygones should just be bygones and continue onward.

This is not a relationship with a healthy outcome and since we aren't all acting like adults, it will never have a resolution. The answer for me is to get out of this unhealthy place and live my life in peace. When it comes to your parent, that is so much easier said than done, so I will continue to remain and play the "good girl".

The part of this long drama that involves my new life is the pain associated with the feelings. I fired back and stood my ground on how I would allow myself to be treated and for that I will NEVER have any regret. My pain comes from regretting the firestorm that followed and negative consequences felt by everyone around me. My dad was upset, step-mom was upset. My husband had to deal with my meltdown, and my children were hostages to the situation. Unfortunately, I was having dinner with my mother, step-father, and sister when this ugly discourse began so those from divorced families can only imagine how that side of things feels about all this! I am the one that deals privately with her tirades and I stuff the pain and aggravation associated with the outbursts with food. I knew not to go to food this time, but after being faced with the loss of my career I decided to say F-it and made my way to the nearest supermarket to invest in some "therapy". I stood there in line as I purchased my peanut butter twix and pepsi telling my teenage daughter to never, ever eat her feelings as I was about to do. I told her that I knew I was failing and I knew I was making a bad choice, but the lack of any other option that would keep me from severing ties with my family wasn't readily available. I thought through all the posts on this board...I walked around the store arguing with myself about what had driven me to this choice, why did I feel the need to eat, Didn't I know it wouldn't work, hadn't I taught myself better? I tried to convince myself there were better ways to deal with this upset. I played every tape in my head of all the sound, rational voices from this forum and I still said, "this hurts too much, and I have to fall back on my old crutch." I knew it wouldn't work as I paid for my purchase. My daughter went so far as to take the twix from the bag and hide it in the car as she knew this wasn't what I wanted, but rather what I thought I needed. Of course, I simply went out and bought another when it disappeared. I ate the twix and it didn't do a damn thing for me. I moved to crackers and pumpkin bread in the kitchen. At that point, I flopped on my bed in tears and asked my husband why "feeling" had to feel so bad!! I wanted the pain to go away. I just wanted to be numb from this situation. I told him a good stiff drink should do the trick and then I looked at him and said "no, I won't do that." He just quietly stared and asked if I was going to be ok. I assured him I would be.

At the moment I said no to the drink I realized that some things just have to be felt and they must be processed and overcome. Medicating only takes you so far, and then you must deal. Any recovering addict will tell you that. I have now come to realize that food is no longer my comfort as that twix should have sent me to my happy place and it did nothing but give me indigestion. I can't say I've learned my lesson and won't reach for the twix in the most dire of emotional wounding, but I do know for a fact that I can no longer medicate pain with food. Right now that realization sucks major ass!! I no longer have my security blanket. I am a grown up and sometimes grown up life is crappy and sometimes the people who should love the most are the ones who will drive in the knife right between the ribs where you are wounded and in severe pain, but couldn't possibly perish. I know the demons are hers and the insecurity she has with me led to this tirade, but I also know that nothing was resolved as we attempt to cover the big pink elephant with the carpet yet again. Yes, I am looking or another job and I will have to deal with leaving my family when the time comes, if that is God's path for me. I have a touchy relationship with my father and he will see this as a betrayal regardless of how I am being treated. He takes it so I should as well...if I love him. Family is the toughest part of any life, I believe.

Learn from my lesson, scold me if you feel the need, analyze my choices if it helps you on your journey, relate to my struggle if you can, and pray that when your pain hits, you just accept the undeniable fact that sometime you must simply deal with pain and there is no medication for hurting that works but time.

Thanks for listening(reading)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  I to am a step child and feel your pain.  I don't like to upset people and tend to bottle it up inside until I explode.  I am a stress eater and I have to learn a different way to deal with that stress.

You need to do what works for you and what will keep you healthy.   If leaving is the right thing then that is what you need to do.  I left a job recently where I loved the job and made good money but the atmosphere was literally making me sick and is a big reason why I am in the poor health situation that I am in now.  I the day I quit and walked out, I made the decision then to start looking out for me.  I was scared but it has turned out to be the best thing I ever did.

Hang in there and take care of yourself!

I am so sorry for your unbelievably sucky day.  You are correct -- no one should be talked to in a degrading way, and it sounds like you handled yourself like an adult to her.  You found out that sometimes feeling hurt, and that a twix won't make that hurt go away.  I think you've learned a very hard lesson about food and pain, and you came out victorious in the end, when you realized that self medicating didn't help.

Have you considered the non-food therapy to help you deal with this very unhealthy relationship with the family?  Maybe finding another job is the best thing.  Maybe talking through the options and issues with a professional can help you figure out what is the best thing for you -- it doesn't sound like being around your MIL is best thing for you.

Maybe counseling through your church or a religious organization that can help you figure out what your role is in finding God's plan for you. I just don't see God wanting you to be subject to verbal abuse as part of your life.

Thinking about you in the difficult situation!

Thank you for your response. Yes, I have had counseling through the years to deal with this ongoing situation. I have taken to prayer first and I am hoping that a clear path emerges as it normally has in the past. My Pastor actually counsels all of us as we attend the same church(mom, step-dad, me, hubby, dad, step-mom). I know that ultimately I can put up with the behavior until my dad passes(he is 65 so that could be quite a while) so that I can be close to him and allow my children the same privilege, or I can do what's best for me and exit the situation and let the juveniles wail and gnash as they see fit. I know they will judge me, but they do now...I just wouldn't have to be present for it any longer. My extended family on that side also believes we just deal with each others differences and move on as a family: translation is that we all must sweep our feelings under the rug and remember that we love each other. It doesn't really work for anyone, but family is always complicated. My bottom line is I'm not ready to let go of my Daddy just yet and I know that when the choice must be made, and she will put it to a choice, he won't choose me and I'm ok with that as he lives with her and has for 30 years, but it angers me that she would put him in that situation. Of course, me choosing to exit would start the ball rolling so that puts the blame squarely on my shoulders in my family's opinion. It's a no win situation for me. I'm pretty sure this will be the last outburst from her for at least 3-4 years and the petty stuff I can handle. If I see that the episodes are increasing in frequency, she will have forced my hand to just make familial separation my only option and I will have to reconcile my choice with God.

Keeping you in my prayers!  Families and family businesses make life very complicated -- but you are important!  It sounds like you know that, and your love for your Dad is more important than the other stuf right now.  I hope he realizes what a gem you are!

Your right family is the toughest part for sure!! You are recognizing patterns, dealing with them, learning new ways, and making life altering discoveries! Be so proud of yourself.

Take care of you and the rest will fall into place, hard or not. Your doing great! Hugs.

I'm sorry Jennifer, you don't deserve that treatment.  The problem was the Twix.  Everybody knows that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are the only candy that can stop the pain:)

I know I won't quit my day job, but I hope that at least made you smile.  Hugs to you, and hope you find a new job or a better way to deal with your step mom.  Family can be a ***** sometimes.     

You did crack me up!! Laughter seems to be the better medicine for sure ;)

Jennifer, 

i work for my father ever since my mother passed in 98.  he has remarried and recently divorced, and i went through a lot of these issues with my step-monster also.  at times i feel so drained from being my father's "emotional wife" that i cant serve my own husband and kids...this year, i started with an independent clergy not affiliated with my family.  what a tremendous help this has been.  take at least that step, find your own guidance.  this journey is about you.  

congrats on learning to feel, as crappy as it is sometimes.  

if you dont mind, where in Tx are you, I am in Houston.  your comment about buying pb twix while preaching to your daughter about not making the poor choices you have made make me feel like you are my twin sister!!

It's good to know there are people out there who can relate. An outside voice may be just the thing and I will most definitely look into that. I am near Waco in Central Texas. My job involves crews working across 80% of Texas and we do own a depot that covers the greater Houston area. My husband's family is originally from Conroe. I never thought of it as an emotional wife before, but that is a very good way to characterize the situation.