Back Handed Compliments

Maybe it is because I was so open about my surgery, but people have been giving me some interesting back handed comments.

"Wow, you are looking great. How much have you lost? 60lbs? Impressive, but don't lose too much more."

"You need to wear heels, you are shrinking even in height!"

"Good for you, you are finally at goal weight! Oh you are not?"

"Oh you don't want to get to less than 115, that's how much I weigh"

I feel like they are the same as the "you are not THAT fat" comments that I used to get prior to my sleeve. What I find interesting is that those comments came from people that are extremely skinny.

That’s from people who “need” you to be the “fat girl” in the box they put you in. Even if they are not close to you in relationship, even casual acquaintances will mentally place people in a box beneath them, because it makes them feel better about themselves. Being smaller than you was probably the only one thing that they had over you, and now you’re literally losing that for them.  And now their insecurities are starting to show by way of back-handed compliments. It’s not about how you saw yourself, but how they saw themselves against you.  You were in a competition with them, and didn’t even know it, lol.  Once you break out of the box, it disrupts their flow of artificial self worth they gave themselves above you.

Fat or thin, remember you are 200% awesome regardless! I always say, “ I didn’t need to have a WLS to find my pretty girl, she was always there! I just needed it to make her healthy!”

impressive post....  really makes ME think and I'm the "fat girl."  I feel like posting this on my facebook wall so all the potential
"boxers" will see themselves in this writing now and spare me their insecurities down the road. 

Please feel free to share my post however you need to. I'm a firm believer that we all put people in boxes , regardless of the situation (weight, education, social status, etc). And when that person breaks out of that box, then our insecurities rear their ugly head bc in reality, we were putting our own selves in a box!

Just take the good parts of these compliments and let the rest roll off your shoulder. I don't think replying does any good. You have to self confidence inside and you are setting your own course. Stay true to yourself and don't worry about these loaded compliments. People have all sorts of agendas, or not, and you don't need to spend time thinking about them. You are doing a fantastic job.

Be careful not to read your own image issues into what other people say.  They may not realize you are taking things the way you are.  After being heavy for so long and all the **** that comes with that, we tend to view other peoples comments through the lense of our own insecurities.  Its one of the mental changes that makes our changing selves so hard to manage.  We see ourselves at the "big guy" or "fat girl" and resent that.  That colors our perceptions.

Theres an interesting thought experiment that accompanies this.  Imagine you have a coworker with a huge boil on their shoulder.  Its red and painful, but hidden under clothes.  Your coworker, embarrassed by it, doesn't mention it.  You try to be collegial by laying your hand on your coworkers shoulder in a friendly manner.  This sends shooting pain through their boil and that bat your hand away.

You feel hurt and rejected right?  Why would they behave that way.  IF you knew what a sore spot the boil was you never would have done what you did.  

Your coworkers may be touching an emotional boil without knowing that, to you, it feels like a backhanded compliment.  

I found that many people would say things like that to me during my weight loss.  

"Wow Robert next time I see you , you'll be two dimensional"

"OMG you are too skinny"

"You really want to lose more?"

These were all from people that either love or respect me, and not one of them would ever intentionally try to hurt my feelings or be snarky.  As we change ourselves, we change our relationship to other people too.  They have to adjust to the new us in the same way that we have to adjust to the new us.  It takes time.  The faster we change the bigger the adjustment and less time everyone has to deal with it.

I disagree with the commentaries that say "have retorts ready" or "they are just *****es".  Thats not necessarily true (it may be in some cases).  I really think in most cases how we take a comment says more about whats happening in our heads at the time than it does about about the person making the comment.  Choose to take the positive, that your colleagues are taking positive note of your weight loss.  By commenting on it they are offering some form of positive reinforcement.  Even the heels comment, while explicitly without a congratulatory phrase, has the strong implication of praise.

Take the positive and discard the parts you don't like.  Thanks them for their praise.  IF they are being snarky - that'll take the wind out of their sails.  IF they are being genuine, you have kindly accepted their praise and possibly added to the relationship.  You can't lose.

Thank you for your reply. I definitely see that they are being positive and it is my perception that they are back handed compliments. I definitely noticed the way the I reacted has been different. In the past, I would have made a smartass comment but now I just say "thank you but I still have a long way to go to be healthy" except for the heels remark to which I answered "its a lot easier to chase a two year old in flats then in heels." I just couldn't help it.

My BFF is one of the 1% who lost significant weight through diet/exercise and kept it off (10 years and counting!).  She is only 5'2" to begin with, but in overall appearance she did seem to get shorter as the weight came off.  It's some sort of weird optical illusion, I guess.

Not that you need to wear heels, but it really can seem like we get shorter as we get smaller. :)

Thank you, Rob!! I needed to read this. :)