"It's not you, it's me." *vent*

Hubby has been losing more interest in me the further out I am. He doesn't seem to want to be near me. He doesn't touch me. Let's not even go there on our sex life. I've tried asking him about what is going through his mind. All he can say is, "It's not you, it's me." I NEVER would have thought that things would start going this route. He says he doesn't see much changing because he sees me all of the time. Ok. I understand that. I just don't understand that he "doesn't see much change", but his personality and our physical relationship is taking such a hit. Figures that I want it more, feel more attractive, and NOW it's a problem. Ugh. He'd better get his act together before I drag him into therapy by his nose hair!

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm getting a little...frustrated.

I'm sorry, honey. That's tough. I think it's tougher on them than we realize. Your hubby is used to you being one way and now you are different. Even though the difference is a positive thing, it is still different and I'm sure difficult to adjust to. There can often be jealousy issues too. Even if he is not overweight himself, him seeing you work so hard toward a goal and make positive changes can make him feel like he's just sitting on the sidelines watching you achieve your dreams and he's not achieving his. I would just make it clear to him that you love him, that your relationship is a priority for you and that when he's ready to talk about it or work on it or let you know what's going on, that you'll be there for him. Good luck. I hope things get better! 

I'm sorry this is happening.  This is definitely your chance to feel beautiful and sexy like all of us women want to feel.  I wonder if it isn't his own lack of self esteem that has him freaking out because you ARE losing weight.  Maybe he is worried that you will leave him.  It really sounds like insecurity on his part.  If that's not it then I would be running, not walking, into therapy. 

I cannot speak for your husband, because I don't know him. However it really may be about him. There are times in all of our lives when we cave into ourselves and feelings ebb and flow as life moves along. Plus, stress does some strange things to people as well. Additionally, perhaps he sees you taking steps to better yourself and he may feel he needs to make changes for himself and does not want to do so. There are a lot of reasons that could be legitimately causing him to look inward.

In life, it is not always about "me". Sometimes it really is about the other person. If it persists, you are right in thinking about therapy of some sort. But, he may need a few days to work through his own issues.

Just my 2 cents.

Oh MOM, i'm so sorry to hear this.  Sounds like a cop out to me.  I'm not sure i'd wait on the counseling, it's available free to you if you call Military One Source.  How were things before surgery?  Is he stressed at work? Is he depressed?  Maybe jealous of your weight loss and new found confidence?  Feel free to PM me if you'd rather not discuss details on the public forum.  I will say that the whole "I don't see much of a change" is a pretty dick thing to say anyway.  I'd be incredibly hurt if my husband said that to me.  In our house every little victory is celebrated...for both of us.  That's a big part of the whole "being each others cheerleader" aspect of marriage. 

I am in the same boat as you.  I have not been able to figure it out with him either.  He just acts like he doesn't want me around and/or he could care less.  I have been just giving him his space and have stayed away from the house as much as possible.  It is very hard because for me I want to be closer to him and am feeling better about myself but his actions towards me actually make me feel worse about myself.  We have  been married for 25.5 years.

Good Luck!

Thanks everyone. I called him and told him we needed a one on one talk without the kids butting in. He did mention that a lot of what he is feeling has to do with him. His back pain (facet joint disease and disk problems) is making him feel insecure. He's making plans to better himself by going to physical therapy and talking with his doctors.

I know it's not something that one talk or one date night can fix. Our marriage was better than average before surgery. I remember one guy laughing at us saying, "Well, I can tell you guys aren't married. You're holding hands and have that lovey look." lol Just like this weight loss isn't just a quick fix, I have to work on all aspects of our lives.

Well that's good he opened up a little bit about the way he's feeling. With his health problems I could see him being a little worried about not being able to keep up with you when it comes to activity level because you're feeling better & way more active & he's hurting & probably not feeling very active.
It could be that he's also worried he may let you down in the bedroom because a lot of things have changed. Maybe he won't have the stamina to keep up with you in that area?? Whatever the reasoning is he needs to discuss it with you. You can't keep guessing & it's not fair to you to always be wondering if it's you or if it's really just him...
I do think his comment was a little rude about not noticing much change. Your whole life has changed how could someone not notice that??
I wish you the best of luck & I hope that he opens up soon..

I am going to tell you something that you may not believe. It IS him.
My DH had sex with me at 300 pounds. I met him when I weighed 210. He always wanted sex even though I was fat then.
He is no longer attracted to me & denies that he even said that. Oh yes he did. But that's beside the point.
Is he a porn person? Mine is.
You just keep being you & he will either come around or he won't.
It IS him.

Remember, that as much as we have to deal with in our changes our friends and family have to learn to deal with them as well.  We are changing ourselves not just on the inside but the outside as well.  The faster that change happens, the less time everyone has to deal with it.

It probably is insecurity on his part.  He may or may not have heard all of the stories of people losing weight, becoming hot, and leaving their spouses.  It could be the he is afraid of what the new you will be.  Will you still be the same person he married?  Will you still love him, need him, want him?  He may need reassurance on all of those fronts.  Remember the root of insecurity is fear.

I think your plan of having a private talk with him is a wonderful idea.  I would advise you, though, to stop and write down all the things you want to say.  Get your own hurt feelings and frustration out before you talk to him so that you can actively listen and not put him further on the defensive.  Be honest both with him and yourself and be ready to actively listen to what he says as well as how he communicates it.