Definition of an Alcoholic- looking for opinions from those who have been there

Both my parents were alcoholics and there is a very strong gene in my family.  Of four children,

one became a full blown alcoholic with a drug and alcoholic wife,

one drinks daily but limits herself but has a shopping addiction and is married to an alcoholic,

one drinks on holidays due to cost but became a food addict and is married to another child of alcoholism

and one doesn't drink at all  -instead I eat and developed that addiction and workaholism.  I also chose men who were children of alcoholics and/or had workaholism.  My first serious boyfriend was a full out alcoholic - you choose what you know.  I know if I drank I would probably become alcoholic so I don't.  It isn't hard for me to say no to it but the need for sugar/carb is still strong.

My mom, once she got sober talked to all the grandchildren about the alcoholic gene and her struggle with getting straight and staying sober. Whether it helped or not who knows but she didn't keep it in the closet thank god like she did with us.  In the grandchildren one child is extremely addicted to alchohol and drugs and others abuse food, booze, drugs, shopping and/or sex.  The addictive gene is a time bomb in my family.

I hope your son realizes the potential to become an addict and at least looks at his behaviour I a critical way. 

I did children of alcoholic programs for years so agree with the poster who suggested alanon.  It is very hard to see those we love abuse any substance or develop a behaviour that can be addictive.  At his age it is hard for him to believe it could be a problem. However, my 23 year old nephew just came out of his second rehab program and has already relapsed. I am very afraid for him because he is now at home with two very sick parents. I do what I can to keep him engaged and give him someone to talk to but I am 4 hours away and don't have a close relationship with him.

As a child of alcoholics I have major trust issues and get angry very quickly if I feel betrayed or lied to. I stuff down my feelings - a coping mechanism I learned at a young age. I didn't have children but I would have had to be aware of my issues if I had. The same things goes for your son in terms of choosing a partner and having and raising children.  That gene is insidious. My one sister started the addiction dialogues early and regularly with her children.  They both drink but so far not to excess. You are a great role model for your son. Have you talked to him about your life as a child of an alcoholic and your lissues with food (not making assumptions but most overweight people have some addiction to food imo.)  I think it is a process, not a one time thing in terms of getting your son to hear and understand.  Good luck to you both.

I feel fortunate that my father was around long enough to talk to him about drinking when he was at a age it could sink in.  Both my husband and I have also spoke with him throughout his childhood, although my husband also glorifies drinking consistently.  (He does not abuse alcohol, but loves to joke about it.) I did today make the connection for him between my weight issue and food addiction.  I also am a complete workaholic, so I should take some time to make that connection as well.  I agree it is a process and not a one time thing, and would add to that unfortunately that he will not "hear" the message until he is ready. 

I agree with Tracy.  I come from a family with an alcoholic father and was well aware of it growing up even though I hadn't seen him since I was four years old.  My mom did not bad talk him but she did let us know it wasn't our fault they divorced that it was due to his drinking.  She let us know that he was a good man until he drank.  The way she presented it gave us an awareness.

My sister drank and did some drugs when she was a teen into her mid 20's but it was never past what tracy described as stage 1.  I on the other hand never tried drugs even though my friends started smoking pot at the age of 13.  I was very aware that there was addiction in my family and I never tried it because I was scared I would like it.  In some ways i was pretty evolved for a 13 year old.  I knew that if I did it and liked it that I wouldn't want to stop.  To this day I have never tried any illegal drugs (not even pot) but at 15 years old my sister gave me my first drink. I drank every weekend from 15 until 18 and then I started drinking about 4 nights a week.  We would go clubbing and at 18 I could drink at least 5-10 hard drinks and still be functioning.  I could never drink just one drink and in my younger years drank often until I passed out. I had a high tolerance for alcohol and could drink all night with men that were three times my size.  I shouldn't have been able to handle that much alcohol.  

When I turned 19 (legal drinking age where I lived) I realized that I was drinking way too much and too often and quit cold turkey for 1 year (that was the timeline I gave myself to prove to myself that I didn't need it.) After that one year I started drinking again about once or twice a month.  I still would drin****il it was time to go home or to bed depending on where I was.  The quantity was way to much, it went beyond having a social drink.  

At 25 I had my son and gave up drinking completely while pregnant and I would not keep alcohol in the house (my mom always had this rule and I adopted it).  When he was 4 months old he was going to stay with his grandparents and I was getting a much needed break to go camping for 3 days with friends.  I decided to treat myself and buy a bottle for camping.  I bought the larger size bottle of whiskey that they sold not sure what your measurements are in the states but it's the one they usually make drinks from behind the bar.  I bought the bottle on a wednesday and was due to leave on friday.  

That night I had a major fight on my hands to not start drinking it. It was all I could think of and I was so mad that it bothered me so much it was there and that I wanted it so bad. I struggled all night but made it through and the next day I took the bottle back to the store.  I don't think I went near alcohol again for years.  When I finally did start drinking again it was never ever with my son around and it never came in the house.  Not even a beer.  People were not allowed to bring it over.  

The following week I started going to Overeaters Anonymous.  I knew that I had a problem with food and that I was constantly teetering on the edge of becoming an alcoholic.  I spent three month learning a lot there...the programs apply across the board. As I got older I rarely drank.  I still though up until about 8 years ago could not drink without getting completely drunk.

I haven't been drunk in years but do have the occasional drink.  I actually hate being around people that drink more then one or two.  I find the whole thing so ridiculous and am embarrassed for how I must have looked back then.

I don't know what your son is doing or how he is behaving but in my experience with watching my friends and sisters friends.  Those of us that struggled with addiction issues showed it early on and it seems to me that it was the ones that didn't know when to stop that turned into the problem drinkers.  I had friends that would go out and have a couple of drinks and then switch to water.  Even at that early age they knew drinking to oblivion wasn't good.  

We all make mistakes and most of us have had our head in the toilet because of it but if it is happening every weekend, midweek or if you can't go out and have fun without a drink then you are on a bad path.  

The awful thing for you as a parent is there is nothing you can do to stop him.  What you have to do is not enable him. If you are funding his college cut off the spending money.  If you supply the groceries give it to him in gift cards (I believe they can't be used to buy alcohol).  I was in a marriage with a step-son with major addictions.  You can not love him well.  He needs to learn that you have boundaries and he can choose his path but you will not be party to it.

Good luck.

You brought up a lot of good points.  I actually switched over to giving him gift cards while he is away at college for that very reason, although I think it is still possible to buy alcohol with them- but I am not sure.  At least he couldn't walk to the nearby party store though.  He does not get stumbling drunk multiple times a week, but drinks too much a couple tmes a week assuming his friends are available.  He went up north for 24 hours to help his grandfather open up the cabin, and brought 2 bottles back from a 6 pack he bought up there. Ugh.  I will focus on not enabling- that was a great take away from your post.  Thank you. 

So he drank 4 bottles of beer in a 24 he trip? Actually the fact he brought back 2 is a good sign. It would be highly unusual for any alcoholic I know to stop drinking while any liquor is still available. Heck, I drank close to 2 liters of vodka a day for about 6 months! Hope that makes you feel a little better

I went to a "party school" for college and I drank A LOT (6-8+ drinks 2-3 times a week) during my junior and senior year of college.  I, too, have a family history of alcoholism and my parents were very concerned about my drinking. In the end, for me, it was just a phase and peer pressure. I very rarely drink now and have no interest in it most of the time even though several of my friends binge drink regularly (we're now 31-32). Not to say that you shouldn't have a conversation with your son about this, but I didn't see it as a problem then when it was so common among my friends and I thought my parents were just being overly sensitive about it. 

That's what he said :)

I am a recovering alcoholic. So many things happen in the progression. By the time most people seek help, it is misserable. There is no fun in drinking. It is a feeling of hopelessness. There are lies, hiding it, constant withdrawals, drinking for every emotion, finding it hard to focus on anything else, always drinking to the point of passing out. 

I would recommend you and your son (if willing) read the chapter "who is an addict" in the narcotics anonymous book. It describes what "we" do on a daily basis so well-most people with true addictions will be able to identify with it. There is also an NA pamphlet of the same title that is good. 

The bottom line is that until we realize the depth of our problem, you can't do much to help. The best thing you can do is talke care of yourself-al-anon and educating yourself. 

Alcoholics are skilled at cultivating codependents.  Codependency is a trap and will cause you unbelievable misery.  Your letter is the first step that you are on that path.  If he is an alcoholic, expressing your concern will only make the problem worse.

If the grandfather is no longer drinking there might be value in a conversation between him and your son.  If he is still drinking and believes he is functioning well, then the talk might become counter-productive.

I lived years of misery dealing with alcoholics.  At my first Al Anon meeting, I started to find some peace.  I did not go years earlier because the alcoholics in my life said that I would be embarrassing them.  Like getting so drunk that they were lying in a ditch watching the stars, getting into drunken brawls, or walking around town with only one shoe were not an indicator of a drinking problem. 

I was convinced it was my duty to worry about them, to try to help them, to cover for them, to call in sick for them when they were hung over, give them money when they came home drunk and broke, drive them around to bars so they did not get tickets, lie to family and friends.

Now I know that I was an enabler and a co-dependent.  Alcohol is no longer part of my life.  Al Anon gave me the tools and knowledge to be free.  Being concerned about your son can become a terrible burden.  There is help for you.  Before you suggest an intervention with the grandfather, please get to some Al Anon meetings and learn about the four C's.

“You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

This is a great thread and your reply is spot on.  It was difficult to set boundaries..but enforcing them was extremely hard at first. There was a lot of finding my balance..the thing with boundaries is, the more you practice them, the easier they become. My ex was an alcoholic addict (not uncommon..they stop drinking and often find another way to self medicate) and the Al Anon where I lived wasn't open to hearing about transfer addictions, particularly drug abuse. The Nar Anon groups for family wasn't available in my area so I used an online forum and it literally saved my life, emotionally wise. I'm unsure if I'm allowed to post a link here..but this is the forum I used : http://www.naranon.com/board/viewforum.php?f=1  I am posting it because food addiction transfers can and do happen with those of us who have WLS.