Crazy mixed up emotions,not feeling worthy:warning Long

I am going through some crazy mixed up emotions here lately. I am four months out now, and down 88 pounds. Everyone tells me I look great, and I feel great! Up unitll this point everything has been pretty wonderful, but I'm starting to have these crazy feelings like I don't deserve to be thin, fit, and healthy.You know to just be normal.

I've also started to realize that some of these feelinggs may be part of the reason I was so overweight. I have been reflecting on my life, and realized my entire life I have allowed people to walk all over me. it didn't matter what they did I wouldn't stick up for myself, and I went out of my way to please people. To make them like me because I figured no one could really like the "fat girl" for just who she was. I had a certain persona that I wanted everyone to see me as, because I figured that way they would like me, but I don't think I ever really stopped to think about who I was or what I needed, or wanted.

Now all these things are starting to come out, and I am a jumble of emotions. Part of me feels really angry. I'm so upset at people for treating me this way, and upset at myself for letting them treat me this way. I'm starting to lash out over teh littlest things. It's like I'm saying "No one will ever walk all over me again." On the other hand, I am also struggling with these continued thoughts that I'm not worthy. That I'm just fat and unlikable.   I don't know I have been over-weight my entire life,and its crazy to suddenly start being normal. Can anyone relate to this? Is it normal?

 It is a trip.  And I had similar feelings - sometimes I still do.  But what you need to understand is that you have been worthy of liking and worthy of attention and love all along - fat, thin, whatever - you ALWAYS have been worth it.  You just didn't know it. And you TOTALLY deserve to go after the body, health and kind of life that you want.  So you just put that in your pocket for safe keeping - You deserve to be (and feel!) healthy and pretty. And for the other thing - There is a balance between not letting people walk on you and being a friendly, like-able person.  You can be helpful and caring without being a doormat, and you also can be like-able when you say "no".  You'll find the balance - it has only been 4 months.  GIve yourself time. This is just something else to think about - Try not to be too mad at the people who "done ya wrong" when you were bigger.  They were wrong and it is disgusting that people treat the obese differently, but once you remember how you felt about and treated yourself you can kind of see where they thought it was okay (even though it wasn't nor will it ever be okay).   You teach people how to treat you (very cliche I know) and it is time to start teaching them that you are a strong person worthy of respect.  So, respect yourself first and foremost, and the people around you will follow suit. I recognize the feelings and they aren't always fun, but it is part of the post-op process I think for a lot of people.  If you feel overwhelmed by these emotions I highly suggest looking for a counselor of some kind who is either familiar with post-ops or at least has some background with addicts or body image issues.  This could really help you just to talk to someone and get some tools for dealing with your new life (that has endless possibilities!).  And PM me anytime.  I don't get on the boards very often anymore, but I do my best to get back to messages in a timely manner.   And by the way - 88 pounds down   in 4 months   that is amazing.  You should be so proud of yourself!  Shasta ROCKS!  

I have no words of wisdom here, just letting you know you are cared about!   Believe it or not, your post is one reason I have casually began looking for a counselor pre-op so I have one handy post op....~Leslie

This is just the beginning, hunny.  There are so many different emotions hiding deep down that when we are finally forced to become aware of them, its hard to really dig deep and deal with them.  This is one the major reasons I wish I was in counseling from the start. I had the anger- but the anger was directed to me.  WHY did I let them believe I was ok when I wasn't?  Why did I bend over backwards for those people when they didn't care?  Why did I utilize my connections and network for people who didn't appreciate my efforts? I had the self pity and hatred.  I was upset with me for getting so large.  I was up to 400 pounds and couldn't do anything.  I had two hip surgeries when I was eight because of a growth spurt that left me kinda off.  I blamed those surgeries.  I blamed my parents for letting me eat.  While large, I used to pick at every scab on my body.  I have scars up and down my arms and legs.  I know now, that was my way of letting out the pain... like a cutter's cut. Someone told me that to move on and appreciate myself for who I am, I had to forgive ME first.  How can I do that?  It makes no sense.  But now, it completely does!  Just like the saying no one will love you before you love yourself?  I think they go hand in hand.... Just know that you are not alone.  I'm 27 months out and am still dealing with the same emotions.  You have my email and myspace love, I'll even give you my number for instant communication if you want.  But you ARE likable, you ARE lovable, you ARE BEAUTIFUL.

*Muah!*