Brandi.

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Again its been way too long since I've written, but I'm not going to say that every time I finally write. Life has been going on pretty well. My weight loss has slowed down, however I've been told that its to be expected. I'm trying to keep on the healthy life style path, which overall has been good. I'm going to the gym tons and trying a number of different activities. However, I won't lie, I have done my share of partying and the such. But the one thing that I've realized is that I just need to stay as focused as I can. My fear of gaining my weight back is so high right now, not for any particular reason, but I'm just so scared to go back there. Its something I will not let happen.

I work with kids and families for a living. I'm pretty much a youth counselor. Right now I am working with two boys that are a bit over weight and being teased at school. They asked me the other day if I've ever been chubby. Its weird but it was the first time I realized that I'm no longer chubby. I've been hit on by guys and have had people that I've known for years not recognize me when run into them. But it took these two boys to make me really step back and see the big picture. I thought it was kinda funny and it made me giggle, then I had to explain the giggle to these boys. I love those moments.

So its been soooo long since I've bloged at all about whats been going on for me...I really can't believe how fast time is flying by. Things have been going reality well and I've been feeling great. I have been using this site to track my weight loss and I just realized that I've only lost 6 pounds in a whole month...What is up with that? Is that normal? I'm kinda freaking out a bit. Although I know I haven't been the best at following what I should be doing. I've had a few drinks here and there, nothing extreme or anything, but I know its not helpful. Its just been so hard with summer and weddings I've been attending and all the fun that is to be had, and when I didn't get sick the first time I had a drink then I thought it was OK. But now I know I have to watch. This week has been much better, I'm back at the gym and making sure I have enough protein, something that I sometimes find so hard to do. Maybe blogging will help me keep on the straight and narrow so to speak..We'll see...But I really need to know if its normal to only lose 6 pounds in a month..

OK so the whole being obsessed with weighting my self has totally messed with my mind. I did find the strength to leave it for almost a week and not step on a scale. Its mainly because I'm back from visiting my sister and I don't have a scale at home. But I was at the gym the other day and got on, just to take a peek it had been six days after all. Well I haven't lost a pound, not even an ounce. If I didn't think I was nuts before, I surely do now. I instantly started to panic and wondered why, my goodness I can't be consuming more than 800 calories a day, how the hell could I not lose at least a tiny little pound or two. My mind started racing, like saying maybe they didn't actually do the surgery and its some weird kind of experiment or something, then I thought something must be terribly wrong. At this point it may be needless to say, but I do have a pretty vivid imagination. After I took a few deep breaths and brought my self down to reality, which only took a few moments. I realized that this happens. I've spoken to people that have gone through the same thing and my body is probably just holding on to everything it can right now until it realizes that it just doesn't need it. So I'm OK now, and just waiting for my body to let go....Which, I have to be honest, I hope is soon.

Forever I hated weighting my self. I dreaded the though of stepping on a scale at the gym, at the doctors even weight watchers when I was a member. I can honestly say I have gone years without weighting my self. Now I'm addicted which I know is not a good thing. I never before owned my own set of scales and still don't, but my sister has ones in her bathroom. Since being here I've weighted my self practically every day. Its OK now, but I think I should stop or at least cut down to once a week. I'm just getting a kick out of the numbers getting smaller, something I never experienced before.

I experienced a wonderful moment today that it made me take a seat and search through my purse for something to write on. I am in Southern Ontario visiting my sister and her family for a week and recovering. The week has been good but a bit dull. Don't get me wrong I love my family especially spending time with my beautiful niece and nephew's but I've been pretty ill this week. The whole eating normal food has been a much harder adjustment than I had imagined.  But today has been a great day, I got up had a breakfast that didn't want to make me puke, had a shower and actually washed my hair. Now I say that because since the surgery I haven't washed or styled my hair my self. I've gone once a week to the hair dresser, well my aunt to be exact, and had it done for me.
So with it being such a beautiful day I decided to venture out and come to the mall. Its a tell tale sign that I'm back to normal when I want to go shopping. I was wondering around H&M admiring all the beautiful clothing that I soon will be fitting into when I came across the accessorized. Now anyone who knows H&M or has ever shopped in an H&M know that they have the best collection of accessories and the best display of them. Before this whole life altering procedure I was never able to wear anything on my wrist from watches to bracelets everything was always too small. Bangles were the worst because I could never get them over my chubby hand never mind fitting them on my wrist.  I was in an Indian wedding once that proved to be a disaster because I couldn't fine bangles to fit me a trade mark of brides maids in the the Indian culture.
As I looked over the beautiful necklaces, earrings and hand bags in H&M my eyes settled on this beautiful jeweled bracelet.  I decided to throw it on to see how it looked, totally expecting it to be stretched as it always is. However, to my astonishment it not only fit my now not so chubby wrist, but it actually looked and felt good. I had a moment in H&M all alone I couldn't help but feel joy and satisfaction to know this is really happening.  I even grabbed a few bangles and yes they fit over my hand and were loose on my wrist.

This is a beautiful day!!

Its been three weeks since I got my surgery and I'm shocked that I haven't made a post. Its been a rough road. To start off the surgery didn't exactly go as smoothly as I would have imagined. I went into the hospital on the 23 and had my surgery that day. In the evening I got up and took a little walk to the door of my hospital room. I was quite ill, very nauseous and they thought it was a reaction to the anesthetic. The next day I was up again and took a walk in the hall, and as I was walking I fainted. They figured out that I had a leak and needed to go back into surgery. I had my second surgery on Wednesday and was finally released from the hospital on Saturday four days later than what I had expected.
The recovery has been long and getting back to normal has been a huge process. I can't lie there have been a few times that I kinda wish I hadn't made this choice. Eating has been a whole new experience, and I can honestly say that I hate soup, jello and pudding, its all I've been eating for three weeks. However, I have started on soft food which at this point is a hit or miss. The doctor told me that with the complications I experienced my recovery may be a bit longer. The good thing is that I haven't gotten sick, which was something I was afraid of.
I'm still experiencing pain and its been difficult to sleep. Even with the pain I had to stop taking my pain meds, they were messing up my system and keeping me from going to the bathroom, a whole other experience that I won't necessarily go into detail, but has been not pretty.
I have lost nearly 24 pounds which is the exciting part of this whole experience and I can't wait to see the rest come off. I just have to not get into the habit of weighing my self every day, I can see my self becoming obsessed.

So this is it. The day I've waited for. I made the trip with my mom today and we are staying in a housing thing run through the hospital. Then a hotel when I get released from Hospital. I'm kinda getting the jitters. I wish I could sleep through the next week, I don't do well with being in pain or ill. My mom certinly has her work cut out for her supporting me..lol. I haven't had a thing to eat today which, when you look at it, is crule punishment. But its all worth it right? RIGHT? I feel like gnawing my arm off..But I'm planning to go to bed early and get a good night's sleep, thats if my brain decides to shut off. It all begins tomorrow at 7:15 AM, the path to the whole new me!! WOW. 

So I'm down to the last strech, only one week left. I can't believe the time has gone by so fast, it feels like it was just yesterday that I began this process. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, its so exciting. I go for my pre surgical appointment tomorrow. I have everything lined up and ready to go. Although, I had an appointment with my Canadian doctor scheduled on Thursday to get a script for my pain meds and for him to sign my disability papers for work. But no he's sick and I'm not sure if I'll be able to see someone before I leave. It was a minor bump in my plans, but nothing to get nuts over. It will all work out.
I am really excited to be off work for a length of time...I really need this break...

So I'm offically on my two week prep diet...I thought it would kill me but the protine shakes are pretty filling. This experience is teaching me a few things. I never really realized what my connection to food was and I'm not sure that I fully understand it yet. But I do know that we are connected...lol. I am going to a friend's house this evening for a gatherning, she lives kinda in the country and we'll be spending the night. When I made the plans I right away thought, what hell am I going to do about food. I know there are going to be a ton of snacks there that I am not allowed to eat. I found my self wandering around the grocery store talking to my mom on the phone about the kinds of things I could bring...I look at it and find it hilarious...How am I spending this much time worring about this? Then I thought, what is it going to be like after I have the surgery? Which to this my loving mother reasured me that it does get easier, especially when you physically can't eat the food. I'm loving the lifestyle change, although its been an adjustment and will continue to be...But I'm feeling great already...:)

So it will be two weeks from today...its come so fast. I'm starting to get really excited and its beginning to feel real now. I started my two week diet today which went well. Although I never gave much thought to the protein shakes, and its not that I don't like them, but three a day is a lot. Thoes suckers really fill you up, I don't know how I'm going to drink them after the surgery. I'm so thankful that I at least enjoy the taste of them somewhat.
My friend started taking official before shots of me the other day. I'm excited to see what the after is going to look like.
I've been having some unrealistic fears the past couple of days. Today I'm scared that I'm going to wake up druing surgery or the drugs aren't going to work to put me under. This fear is all thanks to Hollywood and the wonderful move Awake that I watched over a year ago. I gotta get it out of my head...Focus on the positives..