SUPERMANs_Wife

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I had Lap- Gastric Bypass on 09-09-004. I am not going to sit here and tell you that the whole process was a breeze. Compaired to most I have been VERY lucky. I have followed my surgeons orders not to a T but at least 90%. In 3 yrs i have lost over 220 lbs and thats including yhe plastics that i had done. Every day i am greatful to be able to move, to be able to have my family near and to know that i am 10 times more healtier then i was. This surgery isnt about looking great or fitting into smaller clothes. Its about getting healthy. I didnt have a goal wt in the beginning and today i still dont. I know that i am healthy by the way i feel. I guess what i am saying is dont push so hard that you feel unhealthy, bc that can happen. I still have a image problem. I look in the mirros and think "Oversized Stuffed COW". THe people around me know that i have this problem and they help me out. I still dont like to shop for clothes... I just never liked doing that. Does that make me weird??? I dont think so. I buy what i need and thats it. If you look in my closet you will see 3 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of shorts and about 12-15 shirts. But also if you look deep you will see my pre surgery outfit. That is my reminder. I really dont discuss the surgery with anyone anymore. I think i am out of that stage. I know my limits and i keep them.  

I have overcame many obsticales since surgery. One of my biggest supporters past away 10 months ago and it has taken me awhile to sort things out. I can tell you that i am not 100% on my way of thinking about that yet. But i am working on it. I am starting to realize that even though my passed past away in her sleep that she is still cheering me on. She is still pushing me to succeed. I think that its bc of the closeness that we had and still have today. I have changed my college degree to Nursing granted i am taking 2 classes a semester & i know that i can get through it, its just going to take longer then most. My "superman" is still deployed since Jan 07, and he is/was to come back Jan 08, But the talk is now sometime betwn Jan-April 08. The stress is better then it was. But its still hard. My baby girl just turned 4 and the law requires her to go to school. Heres my dilema, she has always been attached to my hip and just letting her go hurts, But she loves school and its giving me time to go to the gym and have adult time. I never knew that I missed that.  

I had someone write me a couple months back, they asked "If you could could change anything from your life would you?" I have thought about this long and hard and i dont think that i would change anything. Not even the Elephant Pregnant yrs that was my fat yrs. Those days made me stronger they made me realize how blessed that i am today. And because of those yrs i wouldnt not be who i am today. 

If you a re a person just starting out on your new Journey all i can say is please just dont do it half way. A person needs to be in there full mind, work hard and shoot for there dreams even when the odds are against you. Dont think that just by comparing yourself that is how you will end up. BC sometimes it can be a let down. This surgery is always going to have goals, hopes and dreams. Youu just cant have the surgery and *POOF* your live will be great. That's not how it works. It takes a lot of hard work and determination.So, Strive for what you want for the rest of your life!!!

So i got back on Friday night late from our annual holiday trip... 2800 mile road trip. When we got to Ilinois I found out that my daddy was in the hospital. His sugar shy rocketed to over 400 and he had blood infection from his back surgery. He finally got out the day before we left illinois. BUT we had a great time. Even though i told the family while i was there that i was going shopping... Well i didnt go shopping i went to the ER. I knew that something was wrong and with dad being in the hospital i didnt want to worry anyone. I found out that i have Pnemonia and Bronchitis.... Yea for me. After that we went to Ohio to see Supermans family which was nice but i was soo drained bc i still had not told anyone that i had went to the ER. So i fought to not tell them. After we were on the road i finally told Superman that i had went to the ER in Illinois. Of course he knew something was wrong. We also got word while on our trip that superman is going to Iraq for a yr or longer... Not the 6 months like we thought. This week i am trying to get things ready for him to go. I dont want him to go but its his job and i support him all the way. As for christmas I tried to have a good time, But it just wasnt the same. I went and put an Angel on my mommas grave and i talked to her and broke down bc i still miss her. But i am doing better. I know that she is better off in heaven. My brother and i actully got along really well. I mean we actully bonded. When i was growing up i was like the black sheep in the family and i hated that he always knew my whereabouts and i basically told him to go to ... well you know. I cant believe that it took momma passing for us to actully bond. I know know that he respects me. My other brother said that he had had a dream about momma faking her death just to get us all closer and that she was really alive. I know bad dream but her death has really brought us four closer. LOL its funny while daddy was in the hospital everyone looked to me to know the medical things. Whisch really boosted my confidence. Normally we always looked to momma for that bc she was the nurse in the family. I have decided that i am going to start classes on the 8th. I had read in my mommas journal that she always wanted me to succeed and i fell like i have let her down in the succeeding part. I mean i had the chances for college and i thru it away. So now i have something to prove.  K well i am off to bed since i still have the pnemonia and bronchitis its really taking a toll on me.

I know that everyone here is really caring and i have found that most is pretty worried about me. I am sorry to make you all worry. So just to let you all know Friday the 15th Superman, SuperGirl and I (plus the family dog) is leaving to do our yearly "holiday Trip" Its normally about 2800 miles long... But we do it every year. So more then likely you wont be hearing from me til after the 1st of the yr. Take care

So last night was the first night that i have actully slept since all this happened. So to me that is a big plus. Supergirl has been carrying around a small bible that is Supermans. She has been sleeping with it since we got back home. She informed us last night that nannie(my momma) reads to her at night. And that there is another angel that is with nannie. She said she doesnt know who it is but she is old, heavyset, and short grey hair. Which sounds like my mommas mom. I really do believe what she is saying bc things like that happens. So now i know that momma is watching over her, and thats the best news that i have heard since mommas passing. When i posted yesterday i had re-read what i wrote i wish that i could had told some other things that have always happened to me bc that would clear up the craziness that made people think i was .... a nut. But i am not ready to put that on the internet for everyone to read. Bc when i do do tell people they tend to think i a weirdo. Or at least judge me. I know that i have some things to figure out. Which is very common. As for college that is up for my dad to decide. What i mean there is that if he needs me to come home to take care of him then college will be put on hold. If i dont go to take care of him then i will resume college as planned. You see apparently mom had set up for him to have knee surgery the first of the year. So thats why this will be his decision...LOL So today is a new day.

With so much that has happened I have found that... I dont wanna eat... i dont wanna sleep and i dont want company.  i am running out of things to do to keep me busy. This is sooo hard. I feel like i have had more then half my heart ripped out of me. I want things back how they use to be. I want to find some peace in all this but i cant. Just when i thought i was done crying ... I start in again. I am not the happy go lucky gal that i once was. i dont do makeup bc its a waste. Superman is making me get dressed and making me get out of the house, making me eat and drink!!! I mean whats the point of eating??? I am so stressed that it just comes out the other end. I have lost 12 lbs in a wk and a half. And honestly i could care less. We leave on Friday for our holiday trip to see family and what am i to do??? Slap a smile on my face and pretend that i am alright?? The last time i talked to my momma was in early November and she said that i better use my college money for school and now i dont know but i am thinking that if i do continue with my plan of college that i will not do to good bc of my stress level. But if i dont go to college in january i am gonna feel as though i let her down. I have tried to post to others problems here on OH and i find myself deleting what i write. I cant give out advice when i feel like this. I know i need couseling but i just dont wanna be on depressants which they will put me on. So here i am... i feel like i dont want to exsist and i am positive that if i didnt have SUperman or SuperGirl that i would had already ended me. That and thinking that if i did do that that Momma would be waitin on me to kick my a double q...LOL So thats not a option...EVER. So dont think that i am even thinking about doing that. I did recieve a card from a OH member... Which shocked the heck outta me. It was a sympathy card. I cried when i read it. I have been recieving so many Christmas cards and i have been letting Supergirl open them... LOL she loves getting mail!!!! K i gotta go i am sure i can wash some clean clothes to pass the time.

So i flew to Illinois and laid my momma to rest. Yes i broke down and i even took some anger management out on a brick wall!! It didnt bring her back it didnt make me feel better but i just felt that i had too. I have spent since saturday going tru mommas stuff. I found some good things some bad and some funny. We gathered up the bills and called the important places. We moved the kitchen around so its easier for daddy to get to things. I didnt get to check any email while i was there bc they dont have internet...LOL I have recieved A LOT of emails from the OH Family. They all made me cry. But THANK YOU ALL!!! I just wanted to check in and let you know that i am doing so so. No i am not ready to come back to the boards to respond but in time i hope i can. Take care everyone.

Dear Momma, 
I need to to you that i love you!!! Even though the bad times with me ...You still found a way to love me. I know that i wasnt the easiest person to get along with bc well i had ur attitude But i also have your caring side. You know that i always take care of others before myself. And i am gonna miss you so much. Please all i ask is that you watch over daddy and keep him safe. And make sure that you tell Harley that i dont care what happened i still love him too. I want you both back!!!! I have Never felt this kind of pain and i am really a mess. You always got me thru these things... So now what??? No i am not mad at you but i want to scream at the heavens... I want to turn into the old me ... And i just want 5 mins to kick someones ... well you know what i want. I have no one to blame for this. And it sucks. I just want you back!!! I want the pain to go away... I dont think i can handle all this. Momma i love you and i didnt want you to but you did. I just need you to know that you raised me right its just that i wasnt paying attention most the time. You taught me how to love, care and be me. Though it took me awhile to find me. But once i did i realized that you were right about all things that i told you that you werent right about. For all the screaming matches we had i am sorry and if i could go back and take those all away i would. How am i suppose to say see you later??? You always told me to say see you later bc goodbye was too final. I am breaking in half here and i need you!!

I wish i had a magic wand so i could hear her just one more time & I want to feel her arms around me again. I want to scream at the sky for taking her. The worst part of all this is instead of hearing her on the phone on my birthday (this saturday) singing happy birthday to me  i get to lay her in the ground. I want to tell myself that this is a bad dream but in my heart i know its not. This hurts and i want it fixed... But it wont happen for a good while. I havent even gotten over my cousins death from the 18th of oct of this yr. I am carrying to much. I want to roll up in a ball, I want to kick and scream like a baby!!!! I know that i am gonna be a mess at the visitation and the funeral. But what can i do??? Nothing bc my family is expecting me too strong and i feel like i have no fight left in me.

I LOVE YOU MOMMA!!!

So i wake up this am and i get on the scale and it read 184 lbs... so i was thinking my scale is sick bc yesterday fully clothed and with boots on i weighed in at 198 lbs at the doc office... So i call for SuperGirl and tell her to get on..she says momma do i weigh 123 i said noooo you weigh 35 lbs ...just like she did last wk on the scale... SO i hope on again and it still says 184 lbs I cant believe it... Just bc i got my B12 Shot i think my body is finally getting adjusted. which to me is great. Now i only have 15-20 lbs left to lose by Christmas.... YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i just got back from the dr... k my pcm is one guy but i NEVER get to see him so i had to see another doc. So i get in there and he says y ya here??? i nee refills and i WANT my B12 back and i need a depo and i need something for headaches. He said y do you need b12 shots i said bc i had WLS in 2004 he said k not a problem. Why have you waited 2 months to get a shot i said bc my pcm DCed them... he said well you cant DC those from a WLS patient!! So he asked where are your headaches so i showed him and i told him that i get them 4-5 times a wk. SO he gave me another script for those. Then he said lab time... i go down to the lab they do the test.. it was made stat. So i go back and sit and wait. Lab came back and he said ummm yeah u HAVE to have the B12 ur almost bone dry. As i am sittin there hoping not to fall asleep all i can say is duh!!! Just then My PCM walks by and i said he did this to me!!! My PCM looks at me and says what?? The dr for the day said you took her B12 away from her he said yes she dont need it. The dr handed my PCM the lab report and all he could say was OH k i guess u do need them. And HE walks off!!! OHHHH i called up tricare and demanded to be transfered to the dr i had today. They ask Y and i said bc the one you assigned me is an IDIOT!!!!!

Please if they ty to take away your B12 RUN... and dont let them do that to you.

Holly crap i sounded like a WEIRDO!!! But i still dont think that he did it. But i aint gonna call on his spirit. GEEZ what was i thinking. But then again i was a REAL HUGE ball of emotions and today i am just a ball of emotions, SO that must mean i am getting better right??? My dad called yesterday and he said that the funeral was good. He said that there was a huge turn out. I just wish i could had been there. Its hard to morn without your family. I mean i know that i have Superman and Supergirl but they didnt know him like i did... shoot they only met like 2-3 times for a couple hrs. So i feel as though i am going thru this alone. But i am doing better then the last post which is good right???