Gina Beana

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Ok,so I am nearly 3 years out of surgery and everything is perfect, right?  Well, not exactly.  Not that things are bad either.  Here, let me explain...
First of all, I have maintained my weightloss for over 2 years now.  That in and of itself is amazing!   I could have never done that without WLS.  I have been able to do so many things in the past 2 yrs. that i never would have never actually imagined possible before.  I am ooodles healthier, I've probably increased my lifespan by 10 years, I look and feel younger, and in all of those aspects, I am extremely happy!
So, how come no fairy tale ending?  Well, because this is the real world where losing weight doesn't cure cancer or bring world peace.  I am a much much happier, healthier person who still has alot of issues and here they are...
First of all I am pissed off at myself for ruining my body!  I was over 270 lbs. for more than 10 years.  It destroyed me physically.  I am never going to be Pamela Anderson, and that sucks!  I went through a lot of time, trouble and money to look more like Pamela Anderson, and yet it is NEVER going to happen.  It's just so hard to accept!  After tt,bl,ba and about 4 revisions...My stomach still has to be covered at the  pool.  It doesn't seem fair!  That's the way it is though, and that's the way it will always be, but i'm never gonna like it! EVER!
Secondly, I feel like I'm in a no win situation.  After my WLS I was absolutely obsessed to say the least.  I weighed myself every single day.  I counted fat grams, protein grams, got in all my water, never missed a vitamin.  Those are all good things right?  Well, it also made me very obsessed with all the wrong things too.  I not only weighed everyday, i weighed about 3 times a day.  I took measurements about every 3-4 days.I was on the message boards a couple of times a day.  I worked out every single day.  NO breaks.  I wouldnt eat or drink if I knew i was going to be weighed at the Dr's office. I was exhausted, nearly passing out sometimes from lack of nutrients and over exhertion.  I got down to 145lbs. MY own personal goal I had set for myself.  I couldn't even feel good about it, i still saw a fat person. Others kept telling me that i had lost too much, and looked sick or too thin, but to me...I was still obese. After having a couple of plastic surgery disappointments, I became miserable, depressed, and realized that i needed to change. I was too encompassed in the WLS world and needed to remove myself some.  I did so successfully.  In fact i was so successful at it that I quit weighing 3 times a day.  In fact, I quit weighing at all.  My workouts started coming in spurts.  Every single day 6 days a week, or nothing at all for 2 weeks.  I quit taking vitamins.  I quit visiting the boards.  I quit drinking water, and I quit caring so much about what I ate.  The results have  presented themselves on my hips, butt, and thighs. I realize that I need to rededicate myself, but i am afraid of overdoing it again.  How do you remain dedicated without becoming obsessed?
I felt like in order to get a fresh new start, I needed some honest information.  I weighed this afternoon.  You know the REAL kind of weigh in  where u dont remove all of your clothes first, make sure you've peed and do it in the morning b4 anyting is on your stomach.  My true weigh in this afternoon was 162.5 lbs.  I have always fluctuated between using 5'8" and 5'9" for calculating my BMI since i am actually 5'8 1/2".  I am using 5'8"  from now on since I'm not quite 5'9".  That makes my BMI 24.6.  Well, my weight is still in the normal range.  Personally though,  i feel more uncomfortable at this weight.The extra few pounds are definitely bothersome.  Looking back, I can admit that 145 was too thin.  I have set my new goal for 153 lbs.  It is almost right in the middle of my lowest, and where I am now.  That means I have 9.5 lbs to lose.  I am vowing to do the following (trying not to over do it)  I will start taking all my vitamins again, and I will get back to drinking water at least in between meals.  I will go back to working out at least 4 times a week, but no more than 6.  I will weigh once a week and update here so as to keep myself in check. I swore that I would never let myself become obese again, and i wont.  I swear now to take better care of myself and not jeopardize my health over numbers on the scale or sizes. 
Well, I have certainly rambled on long enough for today.  I will check back in on next Friday, Sept. 21, and report back in then.  Wish me luck, I still need it! 

Well, I must admit that I've been feeling sorry for myself.  Last year in 2006 I went through a lot with plastic surgery.  I had a TT with BL and BA on 3/15, I had a double hernia repair on 6/28, I had upper ab revision on 8/3 (with healing complications), I had another upper ab revision on 10/25 (with more healing complications and a ruptured implant in the process), and I had my implant replaced on 12/14.  So where does that leave me today?  My stomach still looks like crap, and my right implant pocket has stretched and sits lower than the left one.  I have been depressed to say the least.  I have gotten away from the message boards, gotten away from my vitamins, and gotten away from exercise.  I had been lingering between 152 and 155lbs. and yesterday I was 159 naked.  Not good.  I decided to try and turn my funk around and get back to the basics of eating right, taking vitamins and exercising.  At least when I was doing all of those things I was feeling healthy.  I was able to run 3 miles a day back in early december.  Yesterday I only ran 1/2 a mile before I had to stop and walk.  It was truly depressing.  I felt more unfit and unhealthy than I had in a really long time.  Two months of no exercise can really kick your butt.  It is going to take some time to build back to where I was, but I have sworn to do it.  I will never let myself get back to where I was once before-obese,withdrawn,lonely, and sad.  I was able to run a little farther today.  I did .66 miles before stopping to walk, and I got 20 mins of a cardio aerobic tape in.  I will try and do even better every day until I am back at my old fitness level. 
As for my plastic surgery issues, I dont really know what to do.  My ps says that he will fix the pocket that has stretched just for the O.R. fees and anestesia costs.  He wants to wait at least 6 months though since I have been through so much.  Part of me doesn't even want to fix it.  I am so sick of surgery and then feeling disappoined with the results. Also I am sick of the debt that goes with the surgeries.  I am going to have to think long and hard about what I really want to do.  At least I have plenty of time to do so.  In the mean time I just want to get right with myself again and feel energetic and healthy the way I did before I let my ps journey consume me.  Until next time I will be vigilant in turning myself back around.  Wish me good will and lots of strength.  I know that I will need it!