I am SO ready (I think)...

Nov 13, 2011

I have been reading posts and blogs for several weeks without taking the time to write about myself.  I guess it is time to post something so I can start to make some friends in this community.  I am sure having friendships through this site will really help make this journey a better one.

I have been overweight most of my life.  I have lost LOTS of weight many times only to eventually regain (most of) it.   I have been considering weight loss surgery for over 2 years.  I started the approval process in 2010 only to chicken out when one of my primary care doctors offered to prescribe diet pills FOREVER if I would NOT have the surgery. 

Almost 2 years later, I have lost and regained 40 lbs yet AGAIN.  Does anyone else feel like a professional loser AND gainer? 

Anyway, I decided to put an end to this hideous cycle and started the process again just in early October.  It has been a whirlwind.  I have already been approved for RNY surgery - and the date is set for December 6th.  YIKES!!  Just writing this, my chest and throat feel tight.  I am very, very sure this is the right decision for me, but yet I am still stressed about it.  I hope that is normal.   Scratch that - I am becoming a believer in the idea that we can choose which thoughts to engage in and which to ignore.  We can decide what to focus on, and we can choose to focus on the positive rather than the negative.  I choose to believe this surgery is the best thing I can do for myself and the journey will lead me to a more enriched life.

As a single Mom (my son is 7) - I really want to be healthier and happier - and this isn't just about me anymore.   I admit - I want to look better.  I AM shallow enough to care about my appearance.  But, as a Mom - I also want to model a healthy lifestyle and that is something haven't done in terms of being active.  Who can ride bikes and play for hours at the park at over 300 lbs?  Not me.  In most other ways - I am a terrific Mom (just ask me, ha, ha).  Seriously, I am a working professional, but my FIRST and most important job is to be a caring, present and involved parent.  I think focusing all my attention on HIM has (in a way) been one of my many strategies to avoid dealing with my own issues with myself.  I think in writing this, this is the first time I have every really allowed myself to see it from that perspective. 

I have been SO focused externally on my son (and my job), that I have really allowed myself to become a distant 3rd in my priority list.  I still think that is how it should be to some degree - but I need to change the proportions.   I have to show him that a healthy life includes a healthy body that we nurture and enjoy.  I need to be the best employee I can as well.  However, to be healthy in body and in mind - I also need to have boundaries for my time (compartmentalize) to allow myself the time to exercise and the time to connect more with my own social outlets. 

I have list 14 lbs to date in preparation for surgery.  This week I will say goodbye to being over 300 lbs for the LAST time and I am very excited about that.  It is my intention to say goodbye to being over 200 lbs sometime in the next 12-18 months.  I hope to lose some weight and some baggage, and find myself and some new friends along the way.  Thanks for reading my blog and if you need a friend - I am just a click away.

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