Amber Anderson
It’s terrifying when you wake up one day and step on a scale only to see that you weigh 318 pounds. What happened? It was just yesterday that looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. My life was perfect then; I was thin, happy, and beautiful. Not a care in the world. Now I can’t even see my smile anymore. Maybe I ate that too. It wouldn’t surprise me; I mean every stress single that my brain felt I would eat to help numb that feeling. That’s what I do; I am a stress eater, an emotional eater, a you-put-that-in-front-of-me-I-will-try-it eater. I never used to be like that. 8 years ago I was cautious, sporty, and healthy, but one day it all changed. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
My whole life I have been thin. I was always one to stray away from my family (who happened to all be overweight), sadly at an early age my eating habits were not the best, but I managed to keep a healthy weight for 16 years. I played soccer, was in the marching band, and was your typical athletic teenager. But when I was a sophomore in high school my family decided it was time to stray away from the crime in California and move to the calm and picturesque town of Loveland, Colorado. A few months before we moved I went online (myspace) to search for new friends in that new town. I met a guy and we really kicked it off. We spent my remaining months in Sunny California talking and texting all day long. He was such a charmer and I decided that I was going to attend the same high school as him even though there was another high school much closer to my new home. The day came that my family and I were to leave everything we ever knew and embark on a new and hopeful life in Colorado. That summer was a dream, I had a boyfriend, I could wear a bikini, and life was beginning to make sense. I started my junior year at Thompson Valley High School that August and couldn’t be happier. I had my first real boyfriend, I was able to start over in a new town, make new friends, and I was actually sought after by other boys. Something that was unfamiliar to me. I guess when you grow up in a town where everyone you knew had known you since grade school you become just another face in the crowd. But here I was new, fresh, a California girl. Something that was rare in this part of the country. I walked the halls of my new school in tight jeans, strappy heels, bleach blonde hair, and black eyeliner. I felt great. That year flew by and just before prom my world came crashing down.
I stood there in my room holding my cell phone in disbelief. My stomach churned and my heart shattered. The first thing that I did was walk to the kitchen and grab the bag of Doritos. I think this was the moment that I realized my need to feed my emotions. My prince charming had stuck a sword through my heart and I was alone. Truth is, he had been cheating on me with my two close girl friends amongst other girls from his work and school. He didn’t love me anymore and neither did I. I asked him why, I asked him if it was because I wasn’t pretty or super skinny (like the girls he had been with) and he said “…well you are pretty.” That was it. That was the key in my obesity ignition. You’re pretty.
My whole life I never second guessed my weight. I wasn’t bone thin, but I was comfortable, and the moment you question your social status as “skinny” you fall into a never ending pattern of self-loathing and magazine envy.
One pound became four and four became ten. That’s when I woke up, 7 years later. I try so hard to hide my body; I’ve caused myself to completely give up. My life consists of waking up, eating, and going back to bed. I don’t like going outside because of the fear of judgment, I don’t look in the mirror because of the fear of resentment, and I don’t let society see the real me for fear of acceptance. I don’t want to be known as a fat girl. I want to be thin. I long for being able to walk into most any store and not having to worry about plus sizes. I long for the moment when I no longer have to see the apologetic look in my mother’s eyes.
That’s when I decided I was going to do the one thing that would be the stepping stone to self- forgiveness, acceptance, love, confidence, and worth: all of it. I am going to have the Gastric Bypass. I know it is not an instant fix, I know the struggles, strength, willpower, and persistence it takes to make this surgery successful.
I want to make something clear; this surgery isn’t about getting thin. This surgery means so much more. It is about my health, the physical pain I endure every moment of every day, the emotional pain I have to feel because of the self-hatred that fuels my heart. The hatred of letting one person tell me who I was. The resentment of grabbing that bag of chips instead of going for a run; what my life would be life if I chose exercise over food. I could have, I could have walked out that door, laced up my tennis shoes, and ran. Ran until the pain no longer existed; instead I ate a whole bag of Doritos and then opened up a pack of Oreos and then a tub of ice cream. That is why I hate myself, not because I am fat. Because I chose this, I chose the pain, I chose to eat myself into a new person, a person I don’t know.
