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Frustrations

Aug 29, 2011

I felt the need to vent. I don't even know if anyone will see this, but the thought of getting it off of my chest feels nice. I am so tired of not losing weight. I eat right, count calories, eat the correct portion sizes, exercise, and avoid any bad foods almost all of the time. And yet the weight does not come off. It just keeps getting higher and higher. I don't understand what I am doing wrong, and I am so frustrated. Every doctor I have seen just does not feel that it is an issue. They will bring up my weight, then ask me a million questions, then suggest I lose weight. No crap? Really? Thats what I've been trying to do. And then they don't believe me. It makes me so upset. They will not suggest diets that may work, they will not suggest medicines to help my metabolism, they will not take into account my medical conditions that prevent me from losing weight. They just shrug their shoulders at it, or basically blame me for the weight gain. Then they suggest keeping food journals. Thats fine. No problem. I do that. Then when I take the food journals in they act as if I'm lying. They ask if I exercise enough. Yes, I do. I could exercise more if my body would allow me. But I work in a factory, on my feet, moving all day. I live on a farm where I am always outside, walking around, doing something. I have a 4 year old child. I am always doing stuff with her, taking her places, going on walks, and running after her. While she is napping I am exercising. Throughout the day I am doing small exercises. I don't know what else there is that I can do for myself. Obviously exercising more is an option if only I could get enough of the weight off for my body to allow me to do so. I am just so upset. I feel like an overall failure, and I haven't even started my weight loss journey. It has just been a neverending road of WEIGHT GAIN. My fiance and I would like to conceive more children. However, I need to lose weight first to even be able to attempt it. We want more children so badly. And our daughter asks us every day when she will have a brother or sister. It feels like all the missing pieces in our life are my fault. Every time I think I have found a physician who understand my situation they do something to make me realize they're just another doctor to cross off of the list. I don't need a doctor to tell me how fat I am. I need a doctor to say heres what you can try. Or this hasnt worked lets try this. And work with me on getting this weight off. I used to be a healthy, happy, and somewhat confident person. Now I dread getting up in the morning, getting dressed to hate my body in the mirror, and dreading going in public to feel so self conscious. Ughhh.
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My First Blog.

May 19, 2011

Hmmmm where to start.  Well my name is Nichole. I am new to this site. I found this site through a search engine while researching weight loss options. I am still in the evaluation/approval process of my journey. I hope to have the lap-band (no criticism needed) I have done a lot of research on the different options, the advantages/disadvantages, the success rate, the problems, and the process. In the end I feel that this is the best option for me. Even though I have chosen the lap-band does not mean I am criticizing any other type of surgery, against someone for getting a different type of surgery, or anything like that. I am open to talking to people regardless of what surgery you may have chose. Weight loss to me is awesome regardless of what procedure you had done

They say to not get the surgery just to look better. I feel this is entirely untrue. I'm sure that people don't get the surgery just to look better, but it is an added bonus. I am getting the surgery for many reasons. I'm not sure there is enough time to list all of the reasons I have for getting the surgery. I have many health problems that are negatively affecting my life. I have severe PCOS. Due to this I am always having to get blood work done, have pain medication, be in the hospital, have ultrasounds, and having to take numerous medications for the symptoms it causes. I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease which leads to infections of the reproductive system. I am in the hospital for 2 week stays often because of this as well. I have endometriosis as well. I honestly feel that these medical problems are mort painful than labor. I have a 4 year old daughter who I went through 68 hours of natural labor with, and it was nothing compared to these pains. It is just awful.

I can't exercise due to the excess weight I have. I have horrible back pains that pretty much prevent me from doing anything. I can't even walk or stand for long periods of time due to the pain. I have small feet. I wear a size 6 and my feet swell so bad that sometimes my shoes are too tight. It is painful. And I know at this point I sound like I am whining, but I'm really not trying to. It is just horrible pain that I hope to one day be rid of. Or even to have the pain be less severe would be nice. I have migraines that no matter what I can never seem to get rid of. I do not have menstrual cycles, I am unable (at this time) to have anymore children due to my hormone levels being messed up.

I have no desire to look like a supermodel, to be 100 pounds, or to have every look at me. I just want to feel normal. I know that is a vague reply, but I don't know how to describe it. I want to sit in a chair & not wonder if it is going to break. I want to not be the only fat person in the room. I want to not be judged for my weight. I want to play with my daughter at the playground. I want to sit on the floor and not be worried about how I will get back up. I want to participate in group efforts without feeling like I am not good enough. I want to be seen for who I am and not how I look. I want to eat something without the assumption that is why I'm fat. I want to be taken seriously as a person. I want to leave my house without being worried that everyone is staring at me. I want to ride rides with my daughter & not be worried that I'm too fat for them. I want to wear shorts for once. I want to feel comfortable with my body. I want to talk to people. I want to know what confidence is. I want to shop for clothes that are normal sized. I want to walk out of a dressing room with multiple items I love. . Not just pick whatever will fit me and leave. I want to be excited about a shopping trip. Not wonder how much extra fat clothes are going to cost me. I want to look in a mirror and know that I am good enough for my fiance. Not just go by what he tells me. I want to ride a roller coaster again. I want to step on a scale without crying. I want to be able to say my weight without being embarrassed. I want to go to a doctor for a good reason, and not for another lecture on how overweight I am. I want to have more children. I want to be healthy. I want to exercise. I just want to be a person who loves life, who wants to get out of bed, who wants to go outside, and who wants to get dressed up.

And I hope to one day be able to do all of this and more. I know that I am good enough. Now I just need to look it. I know the weight wont come off miraculously. I know I will have to work hard at it. And I think with the support of others & the motivation of myself that I can pull it off.

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May 09, 2011
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