Gwen S.

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Today it occurred to me that I am not sure what to expect from a thinner me.  I have typically used caution with thinner people. I'd size them up before befriending them I think due to being shunned by them....Even ones in my own family.  I have 4 sisters.  One decided when she was a tween and was picked on by a cousin about her weight that she'd NEVER be fat.  (I have tons of stories about her fatphobia, don't get me started.)  But what I have learned from her is what thinner people are capable of saying about heavier people.   I do not want to be that person, but maybe I already am.  

I was with DS in Walmart and saw an overweight lady and I a negative thought immediately shot thru my head.  Not like "Why doesn't she lose some F**king weight" like I've heard my brother-in-law say about his own sister. (Yes, who is married to the sister mentioned above.)  But the thought was like a disgust.  Granted, hygiene goes a long ways, but I still don't have the right to think that - heavy or thin.

I guess I don't know where I am going to fall when my weight comes off.  I typically seek solace in other heavy people.  I don't want them to not trust me, but I am not sure if I am going to trust thin people either.  I have been heavy all my life and it is a large part of my social life - good or bad.

ETA - I am not crabbing here.  I LOVE home improvement /upgrade stuff.  I am super excited about the possibilities of getting a new washer & dryer.  I am easily pleased.  I have been checking into stackable ones.....*siiiggghhh*  (makes my heart go pitter-patter and gives me the warm & fuzzies.) LOL!  And all the stuff is just time.  We've put it off - like usual :D  Hopefully it will help keep me from climbing the walls until I find out more about my WLS.

Now I am just....frustrated I guess.  I am not a patient person.  When I decide to get my hair cut/colored I call the stylist and want to be in that day.  (I don't demand, I just decide I want it done then.)  My stylist happens to be my cousin and it drives her nuts.  If she doesn't have time I will go to one of her co-workers.  So - if the surgeon's office called right now and asked if I could do it today, I'd beat them to the hospital!!   I know I have a better chance of winning the lotto (and we don't play)  than having that happen.  So it is wait and anticipate getting a date no sooner than the end of April....which doesn't make it any easier.

So to busy myself, I have decided to keep a food journal and TRY to remember to chew.  So far so good.  I haven't kept a journal in a long tim...well a few months at least.  I did it when I was pregnant, but I wasn't  tracking fat, protein, & carbs.  It all adds up so fast.  Yesterday I managed to stay within the daily required amounts for a 2000 calorie diet.  Today I could possibly make it at 1000 calories.  I don't know what I have in the house for food though.  I am not too worried about it.  Not much I can do for the good or bad now....only 4 days to the physical.  I have to remember to chew, chew, chew.  It is kind of gross to chew that much though.  I like chunks I guess.

And I have things to price.  It's tax return time!! Yay!!  Only it seems that our house wasn't falling apart.  We live in the boonies.  I used to say 'country' but nothing about our place is 'country'.  The closest we get is the fact that we have farm land on 2 sides of our property. We live on 3 acres - just a lot to mow.   We don't have any kind of husbandry unless you count the bird feeder as a livery stable.  Then all we call are birds and rabbits.  We don't even have a squirrel to shoo away.  So it's I call it the boonies.  So when you live in the boonies you have to have well water.  Well, our well water sucks!  (At our old house it was great.)  We've been nursing our water softener for a while and I think it is history now.  I guess it could be worse and it could have happened during a time when we didn't have any extra $.  Now I have to figure out how to get our whites white again.  The load I did last night came out dingy-yellow-Gray.  

Our electric lines down our road were replaced last week.  Since then we have a GFC breaker that keeps tripping.  So we had an electrician in.  It doesn't sound like things are up to code.  Some re-wiring needs to be done.  We also have 2 garages and both doors pretty much fell apart (along with their openers) this year.  DH has been babying them since we moved in 2 1/2 years ago.   Our nice farmer neighbor came over to plow us out one night a few weeks back when we got 10-12" of new snow.  It was so deep he didn't see the end of our ramp to our deck and pretty much ripped it off.  We need to repair that too.  

Hopefully there we can swing a new washer & dryer too....my washer makes some horrible noises.  Oh well, for the next few days I can busy myself with price shopping!

Here I am in WLS purgatory.  I am not sure what to do or think.  I am sure there are things I could be doing, but have not a clue what they are.  I have almost a week until I have my physical.  I don't think I have ever looked forward to one before.  Even then it won't tell me much.

I had a dream/nightmare about all this last night.  The Drs office was filled with skinny minnies.  They weighed me and I was up a few pounds from the orientation (which is true partially due to Aunt Flo coming and the donuts I had the last couple of days...I'll discuss that below.)  Well, the girl who weighed me was alarmed and was telling me that since I gained weight I was no longer able to have WLS of any kind.  I was upset and she was trying to find out if there was a way around that.  Everyone could hear her and they all gasped (it reminded me of a secretarial pool like you see in the old movies).  Well it was a 'no' and I was ushered out  the side door.  I am surprised I didn't wake up sobbing.  I just wish I knew that I wasn't going to be denied for some reason...and how long all the things will take.  I had a c-section 4 months ago.  They had the EKG things on me during surgery and the O2 monitor was on until the next day.  It never went off at night..  I wish that would be enough.

Back to the donut thing.  Since I don't know what to do with myself -  I know dieting won't work, but I am afraid of actually losing weight and dropping my BMI too much to where I have to do the 6 mo medical supervised weight loss trial or that I get denied all around - I thought I'd splurge. HONEST ABE, I have maybe 1 or 2 donuts/year....at the most.  They just aren't my favorite food (I don't normally have a sweet tooth).  Well, I was starving when I went shopping and thought, what the h-e-double hockey sticks.  I definitely won't ever eat them again..and not miss them either.  There seemed to be more logic to it at the time and I bought 5.  I managed to eat all five in the last 2 days.  The first one tasted good - I think.  I scarfed it down as soon as I got home....while waiting for supper. (3:00 in the afternoon and I hadn't ate since 7:30 that morning).  That one was a frosted cherry cake one. Then I picked at the cinnamon roll  (those I do like) while cleaning up after dinner.  For snack later on I ate the lemon filled (didn't want it to get stale and that would be my favorite if I had to choose... I guess.... I really don't care for donuts).  Yesterday morning I ate the rest of the cinnamon roll while waiting for coffee to get done.  Then I ate 1/2 of the raspberry filled one a few hrs later.  I finished it off a hr or so after that.  Then for snack last night I ate the glazed sour cream one.  I have never done that before!!  I feel really blah AND guilty.  STUPID STUPID STUPID!!  I really didn't think I'd eat them!  I thought a bite of each and then toss them - that should have done me.  I am now eating the chopped veggies I bought....I should have bought 5 of them, I know.   

It doesn't change the fact that I am so ashamed. I get on my soapbox about the stereotype of overweight people that is on the Today show or any media thing it seems.  It strikes a nerve since not all of us do that kind of eating to behind our fluffiness.   DH has a tub of chocolate chip cookies sitting on the counter right now.  They don't entice me.  AND I like cookies more than donuts.  I don't know why I did the donuts!   At least I didn't eat them all in one setting, I guess.  I need to stop now.  I am not going to make myself feel better.  It is over and done with.  I will never have a donut again, that's for sure!!

I have been looking on down the road and thinking about what might be.  I will be adding to this as things come to me.  Please feel free to share your own.

These are other things that I am looking forward to:

NOT Struggling to sit in an armed chair in a public place AND not worrying that the chair will still be attached when I stand up.

NOT Worrying that my weight is too much for the chair I’m sitting on (at home or away) and having it collapse.

NOT Perching uncomfortably on the edge of a chair that I don’t fit into

NOT Trying to measure if the space between the booth bench and table is actually big enough

NOT Worrying about butt/thigh heat build up when sitting on pleather or plastic

NOT having to use my hands to gauge if the sleeve diameter to determine if a top will fit before trying it on. (More times than not, it doesn’t)

NOT Having  chaffing....
NOT Snoring 

NOT Dreading dropping things and having to pick them up - especially in public.

SOAKING in our tub.  I so badly want a long, hot bath....but our tub is so narrow.  Once I do, I may never get out!

Wearing any short sleeve shirt - or even cap sleeves

Wearing one of my husbands shirts

Shoes that fit and are stylish - sandals, dress shoes, boots.... Oh, Boots! A pair that go over the calf! That would be the bee’s knees!! (pun intended!) 

Putting on tying shoes without having to sit down and struggle
Maybe having less chin hairs

Crossing my legs! I have never been able to do that.

Wearing my wedding ring and band again

Wearing a normal length necklace

Losing my double & triple chins

Seeing the tendons in my neck

Seeing my collar bones

Feeling my hip bones (I have huge hips so I HAVE to have hip bones, right? )

Tucking shirts in again (I have always been big, but in my early teens I was more thighs than stomach so I could actually tuck things in. Now, I have the stomach too )

Having and liking my picture taken - A Family Photo!

Wearing one of DH's shirts for the first time

Sexy lingerie

Painting my toe nails easier

Walking thru my house without having it sound like the floor is going to cave in

Once I am at my goal weight, I am going to celebrate by:

Getting a new hair style/make over

Maybe a bikini wax

Learning a exercise program like yoga or karate

What I don't want to do:

Set unrealistic expectations for me from the get go.  I'd love to be thin - just not sure how thin and I don't want to end up getting caught up in it.  Any weight loss will be a great accomplishment.

Lose the compassionate me.  I want to be a better me not a better-than-you me.

Learn how to fool my stomach and gain it all back.

Try to make up for things I may have done when I was younger and thin. 

I was 100% Lap-Band at the beginning of my quest.  I even looked for a Lap-Band surgeon and signed up for his orientation.  But from the moment he mentioned the VSG, it has been bouncing around in my head.

The more I read about it, the more I think it is the one.......

My name is Gwen (not Ann... just thought the profile name would be funny).   I am 35.5 yrs old.  I have 3 beautiful children and a great husband.  My children are what has motivated me to begin this journey.  I have been obese all my life.  I honestly can't remember not being overweight.  Even in pictures the closest I think I was to average weight was maybe around 1 or 2 yrs of age.  I was a chubby baby and a portly child.  I hit the 200s around the same time I hit my teen age years.   So my weight has always been an issue.

After decades of fad diets and not losing weight (except Atkins) I feel that bariatric surgery is my only avenue left.  So far I'm confused. Orientation was 2 days ago and my head is still spinning.  Primarily it is the insurance aspect of it.  I am grateful that we have coverage, but  it happens I have BCBS and it I am hung up on one or two "buts".  I tried to get answers at the surgeon's office this morning, but since the paperwork hasn't been input yet I have to wait a few more days.

I am anxious to get all my ducks in a row to expedite the process.  Then again I have so much to learn and things to change for any surgery to be successful.  One thing that is going to be hard is that  I have to learn to chew.  I don't know if I ever learned how.  I can eat and not remember tasting anything because my plate is empty so fast.  Maybe that has something to do with my BMI being 52?   It goes in like dirt getting sucked up into a brand new Hoover.   If only I had a bag to change out instead of every calorie living forever on my....well, everything.

Right now I am trying to remind myself that I have to learn to be a brand new me.  I know that I am in the baby stages and have to take baby steps.  It is just the matter of getting that down. 

It all is a bit scary, but so is the thought of not being here for my kids.  That is what is going to make this successful for me.