apreppyhippie
Trusting Life
Mar 24, 2014
For so many years, I ardently researched what WLS is all about. I've benefitted enormously reading stories here on OH--and to have shared the experience with my best friend who had the bypass in 2001. With all this knowledge, however, I couldn't quite muster the courage for it. I had become genuinely phobic about visiting the doctor because I could not face the scale and the shame. Deep shame of my condition is the core of my fear. From the moment I began to present as chubby, around the age of eight, I was shamed by my grandparents who were profoundly influential in our family. Dieting became the primary path of becoming acceptable to them: our entire relationship was based on my weight.
My precious father died at 63, 14 years ago, of kidney cancer. Although he was never diagnosed as diabetic, he was borderline. And we know now that high blood sugar levels are a precursor to this terrible cancer. In my grief, I was prescribed anti-depressants which just added to my burgeoning weight. Self-care during those awful years meant accepting myself as very fat and living a somewhat reclusive life. In the meantime, I watched my MO bestie having her first and only success with weight loss, and I was over-the-moon happy for her. Her body and soul had long been crushed by her weight problem, and I saw the surgery as a life-saving intervention for her.
When I was diagnosed as diabetic two years ago, it was such a gift: I could see that I needed a life-saving intervention myself. I acquired a PCP for the first time in my adult life, and she has been a gift, as well. For two years, she has monitored my weight and A1Cs. In those two years, I was able to lose 50 pounds by eliminating bread, rice, and pasta from my diet. I have fundamentally changed my family's way of eating by making protein The Star, natural carbohydrates and baked goods with almond flour as the supporting actors. But I need to lose 120 pounds more, and in the last six months, my body weight hasn't budged. In November of last year, I had an awful bout with a kidney stone, necessitating my first surgery since a childhood tonsillectomy, and involving forty days of considerable pain. That ordeal was, perhaps, the greatest gift of all because I could see myself navigating surgery and discomfort--and managing it well.
Since making the decision to move forward with WLS a month ago, events have progressed quickly. I am self-employed--my expensive private insurance is absurdly cruel despite my co-morbidity, so I'm self-paying. Also, my surgeon thinks I'm an ideal candidate and well prepared. I am, by nature, a philosopher, and a bit of a metaphysicist, so I don't much believe in meaningless coincidence. The day I met with my surgeon, my little Yorkie, Bridget, had emergency surgery requiring her stomach to be opened up. I am happy to report she is doing well, and so will I. I have no regrets, not even of not doing the surgery earlier, because every life event that has transpired inevitably led to this moment of perfect peace. Well, almost perfect peace! My surgery is one week from today, and I'm inescapably hungry and cranky on my pre-op fast. This pervasive hunger is a constant reminder that my brain chemistry is off and that maintaining an ideal weight without surgical intervention would be virtually impossible. However, I realize in making this decision that I am stepping on a roller coaster of dramatic emotions in the next year--some of which I won't be prepared for. But I Trust Life: I trust my instincts that led me here; I trust my support system; I trust that my heart will open even more to embrace life. And finally, I trust that something I have said here will resonate with those of you who are reading my story today.