artshow
2/27/07
Starting a new journey or meeting the end of the person inside of me.
I weighed 280 lbs today and I can no longer except the horrible feelings of loss of myself. I feel like the person I was, happy, independent, care free and loving is disappearing amongst a HUGE puddle of goo that keeps growing like the Blob from outerspace. I am losing my will to face people in public and in my profession this is a hard no-no. To go to work I feel I now have to wear a mask of someone I am not just to get through the day.
I have not been to a doctor for a non-emergency in over 10 yrs aside from a drug test for my employer. In the last year I have felt myself steadily deteriorating. I am embarrassed that I snore and it causes a great deal of havoc from my husband who cannot sleep through the noise. I awake frequently to night sweating and feel extremely bad back pain no matter what position I sleep in. I feel unrested when I awake in the morning and find myself falling asleep or 'out of sense' at the most inopportune times of the day. My mense is extremely heavy and irregular and I have been experiencing increased difficulty with incontinence. My ankles and hips have been hurting me more and more on a daily basis while I work standing for 8 of my 9 hrs. I do not go to a doctor because I cannot bear the thoughts of being told once more that if I "lose weight it will get better". I have heard this statement for most of my adult life and every time I lose 20 lbs, I gain 30 later, evolving to the HUGER me I have now become. YoYo dieting causing my metabolism to drop to near nothing. I nearly lost my husband this past Christmas due to my weight increase. In three weeks I lost 10 lbs due to eating less than 400 calories a day, only to gain it all back plus 5 when I increased my calorie content to 1000 a day with his return. Something has got to give. My life is nothing but work, eat, sleep, and I have no social or sexual life any more. My husband is home and says he will be supportive and that he knows he loves me, but he cannot accept my weight any more than I can.
At 180 lbs, my mother would tell me I had really let myself go. Mom is gone and I am only glad because I know it would have horrified her to see me the size I am now, a hundred lbs heavier.
This is so unfair. I work very hard and pay a great deal of money for insurance that I cannot put to use and have never abused. There has to be some way to insure assisted payment for this illness. It gets harder to feel motivated to go to work with the pain and only knowing that it will not be any better tommorow.
