Kelly MzKelz Valdez

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It has been 1million days since my last confession.......LOL  Not really but it feels like it.  I am still in the process of updatin this webpage.  But I thought Im in desperate need to at least catch up from somewhere so people know I still am danglin out here in never never land, not totally fallen off the face of the Earth.

I am now, as of today, 3 years and one month post-op.  My weigh in weight on the day of my surgery was 320lbs and my lowest weight was recorded at 135 and currently Im at 150.  When I hit 135, my daughter was like "mom, you look like a ghost."  It actually scared her to see me so pasty and skinny.  Unfortunately, I didn't see myself that way, I still, to this day, see myself at 320lbs and Im sure I always will.  I have done very poorly this last year or so, not gettin in all my water, eatin too many carbs.  I went from a size 8 and now Im a size 10 - 12.  Hatin it.  I may look better but every day I feel like Ive gained 100 more pounds.  I have nightmares that I will wake up and only fit my "fat" jeans that I wore when I was a size 36.  Isn't this just the perfect life that gastric bypass has created for me?  I went from living a fairly normal, happy existance with maybe another 20 years to live to a nightmarish, lonely, pathetic, sad, scared, and tortured surival that I have to maintain for another 30, 40 or 50 years........now thats just not right.

But oh well...whats done is done.  Im still goin to work out, try to maintain my current weight, try to find some sort of happiness.  I refuse to have gotten as far as I have gone, just to really gain all that ugliness back.  Here are a few examples of positives that I have gained, that I live for to maintain what little sanity I have left, because of the surgery:

1.  Energy - I have so much, I have to take sleepin pills to relax at night, just long enough to get at least 3-4 hours sleep before my body is up and revvin to go again.

2.  Stamina - I have extra strength and physical endurance that I actually crave during my workouts - its what keeps me goin back to the gym.

3.  Attention - I have received good and bad attention from everywhere....now I just gotta figure out how to make that work in my favor.

4.  Activities - Im involved in so many things now..I ride motorcycles, I travel ALOT, fly, drive, and walk to everywhere, when before I would just make excuses to stay home and sleep.

These are positive effects of losin weight...all of which I can find a negtive effect as well but I dont' want to go there right now.  I have already been way to negative for my own good and every day, I just work harder and harder at tryin to stay positive.

As of right now, Im still single - hatin every minute of it cause Im a huge co-dependent type person and I miss a signigicant other, so much so that I cry sometimes at night, just cause Im so lonely.  I have been told that the longer I stay single and "heal" myself, the better it is for me.  So I have been tryin and I will continue to try.  My job is transferrin me outta my current project next Friday and I will be moving on, to where, I dont' know just yet.  So needless to say, Im super stressed.  Which doesnt' help the chocolate factor - Im hugely addicted to chocolate and that just gets worse the more I stress out.  

At this point, I would recommened to all newbies, really work on portion sizes, gettin your water down, and positive mental status.  Im all for antidepressants (of which Im on high dosages of 2 different kinds), so if you gotta take em, THEN DO IT!!  They don't make you any less of a person, in fact they help clear your head, so you can think straight and logically.

Well, got to get back to work....I will try not to wait another 3 years for an update.  I will check back in soon.

Mz. Kelz

I don't know what has been wrong with me lately. Ever since I got back from vacation, I have really just felt, um, um, - distant I guess is a good word. I dropped off the message boards and stopped reading journals - maybe I am getting scared. Well, I don't know maybe I will figure it out later - anyway, I had my last appointment on 4/14/05 to get my results (which I already had and just faked a couple of head nods and "oh, that is good") and that was the nurse practitioner that give me the update and then the MA was taking my vitals while the NP was asking my history (I think I had better just type out my answers on a card and hand them out cause I am going to go crazy with all these repeat questions) - and after the MA was done with my vitals she held up a gown and said "Take off your shirt and bra" and I said "No problem" and stood there waiting for them to leave so I could. Well, they didn't leave and the MA was still holding my gown up at both ends so it was like a wall between her and the NP and I was on the other side. I said "right now, with you here?" and she nodded yes and the NP was busy writing notes on my chart and I felt a panic - flashbacks of 6 & 7th grade gym when my PE teacher refused to waive my permission slip from my mom of not showering after gym class (it was always my last class so I didn't see why I could just go home and take a shower!)She knew I didn't undress and dress in front of the girls either (unlike just about everyone else - who didn't seem to mind standing nude in front of their peers - I absolutely found it degrading and always used the bathroom stalls to change - even though the teacher made a rule that we couldn't do that, I did it anyway - really fast). I begged her everyday to just let me go home after class but she seemed to get a kick out of making me shower with the girls - it wouldn't have been so bad but these are open gym showers and I was the heaviest in the whole class (maybe even the whole school) and I just didn't think it was right to make us HAVE to do it. Needless to say I was doing a very happy dance when my mom said we were moving to Seattle half-way through 7th grade - I was losing my hair from the stress and my grades were slightly dropping cause I would keep bringing in forged doctors notes to excuse me from gym or just not go to school at all. It would appear this was a traumatic time for me but it wasn't, I had worse. So I reminded myself of that fact. I had worse and undressing in front of this medical professional is not a big deal and I quickly convinced myself of this and did it - I couldn't believe I could but I did it!! So with that part over, the NP listened to my heart and my breathing sounds and then said the hospitalist was coming in and I then asked if I could get dressed now and she said no because he needed to do what she just did so I stayed put. When the hospitalist arrived, I just about fell off of the table - but because the only thing holding up my gown was my untamed fatty breasts, I couldn't move and I looked up at Dr. Reeder (yup, I work often with this doctor on my unit) and asked "Can you please turn around and find me someone I DON'T know??" He laughed so hard and then some more when he noticed I was bright red. He thought I was joking (but that wasn't the case) but I played along and we started talking casually and he did make me feel at ease. Now, I better explain something about Dr. Reeder - so my embarrassment of this man walking in MY room is clear - He is known throughout the whole hospital as the most handsome, gorgeous, funny, and smart kind of man. You did notice that I touched on his good looks TWICE! He knows how to make women swoon - without even trying! Anyway, I remind myself I am married and this is a professional visit but I started to sweat and then I got nervous cause I couldn't remember if I put deodorant on or not (I do it by habit every morning so it takes me a second to remember if I didn't miss that step). But Dr. Reeder is a pro at making women feel comfortable - and it worked with me. He kept the conversation going and we talked about my unit and my co-workers all the while he was checking my breathing sounds, heart sounds, ankles, and neck. Then he finished up on my chart and asked me if I really wanted to do this and I said I did and then he said he will be checking in on me after I get admitted to make sure all goes well - we both think very highly of Dr. Nigh and Dr. Ditslear and their skills, so he gave me his approval for the surgery and left to go call my doctors office to let them know. I am READY

Everyday I keep saying to myself "I am going to control my eating today" so I can lose a couple of pounds before surgery. Well, after work yesterday, I totally blew the next two weeks by eating the most delicious cheesecake in the world. My husband's brother, Manolo and his wife, Cassie, wanted to take us out to dinner before my surgery. I have never been to the Cheesecake Factory and definitely wanted to make a visit there before I go under the knife so we went. OH MY! OH MY! OH MY! That place is so beautiful and my husband had fun just walking in from the parking lot because this restaurant is on the "rich" side of town (north side) and we had to have passed at least 5 Mercedes and 3 BMW's just getting to the front door - my husband's favorite was the Mercedes SUV - it was sweet - but I told my hubby to just start having his dreams in color and that will be about as close as he is going to get to owning that SUV. So after we were seated, Cassie gave us her recommendations cause she has been there before and so we ordered that and I was in total heaven. It was also the type of food that I will be able to have around 3 months post-op - it was the best grilled chicken breast I have ever had and the mashed potatoes were REAL! Now on to the best part, the food I will never be able to have again - GODIVA® CHOCOLATE CHEESECAKE - my husband, daughter and I shared one slice and we couldn't finish it - they give very generous portions and that cheesecake was so very rich. I have a really good time with my family - it meant a lot to me.

The benefit of working at the hospital that I had my tests done is for the fact that I can see my results of my tests online. I know I am supposed to wait until the 14th to talk to the Hospitalist about my results but since I was working this weekend on my unit the temptation was just too great to pass up so I peaked and it looks like that if I wasn't morbidly obese and didn't have my back problems, I would be a very healthy woman, except for one itsy bitsy hiccup, my upper GI detected a small sliding-type of hiatal hernia with mild gastroesophageal reflux. When I asked one of the doctors that I work with if it was going to cause any delay in my surgery he said that it wouldn't be a problem whatsoever because it is typical in morbidly obese people and it will go away on its own when I lose weight - now let's just hope that the Hospitalist I get to see on Thursday thinks the same. Other than that I am as healthy as a horse (and just as big).

Today the pain is worse than ever. It is still in my lower neck above my back right shoulder blade and thunderbolts to the middle of my upper arm but the new part about it is that since yesterday I have numbing in my thumb and if I don't reposition myself when I feel lots of pain then my whole hand goes numb, otherwise it is just my thumb - above the knuckle that remains numb. I think it is time for some bone-breaking skills either from the chiropractor or I will just step in front of a moving car - that should do the trick. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that when I went for my pre-op class I had gained some more weight so now I am at my highest of 293.8 YIKES!! That is just absolutely degrading and then the RN was saying that I should try to lose around 5 - 10 lbs before the surgery because it will help my liver from becoming a problem - if it does then I will have to have OPEN surgery and it is possible to bruise the liver too while trying but if I lose the weight and I am in a downscale mode (instead of my current upscale mode) then the liver will be more flexible and easier to maneuver because the stomach is under the liver. Anyway, just wanted to let that little tidbit of info be known for all you pre-ops cause that part usually isn't discussed by the doctor.

Today was a super huge day. I tried my regimen of pain meds and muscle relaxers again last night to wake up again in pain - I can safely say that now I know that this isn't just a pulled muscle. I am guessing now that I slipped a disk in my neck (my neck has a curvature problem that my chiropractor has been working on but I stopped all my chiropractor visits until after my surgery - I think I messed up) Now, my neck hurts and my right shoulder/upper arm hurts at the slightest movement - which sucks because at work I am at the computer all day and every time I move my fingers I feel pain shooting up my arm. Oh, I can't wait until I can complain about good things!! But today is an important day, I have all my pre-op stuff and my psych appointment so I couldn't let the pain get me down.

My first appointment was scheduled for 7:30am at Methodist hospital. I got there and the first thing was a chest x-ray then they sent me to the gallbladder ultrasound technician and that was uneventful which was OK with me. Then I was sent to the upper GI crew and OH MY GOODNESS WAS THAT AN EXPERIENCE! I have had worse but it still was really bad. First, I was pre-medicated with 0.2 mg of Glucagon intravenously (injected into a vein in my RIGHT upper arm - OUCH) to slow my digestion and that followed with ingestion of gas producing mixture - they were exactly like if you took alca-seltzer tablets and pounded them a bit so to not ground them up but make them into little pieces and then I was instructed to dump that into my throat and try to swallow it - without any water at first - as I was swallowing I felt the tears come to my eyes because I thought I was going to throw up but I didn't and as soon as they started falling down my throat they started crackling just like Pop Rocks candy (remember those from when I was a kid) and then I was given 1/2 ounce of water to follow it - I felt a bit better. That was followed with a high density low viscosity barium mixture that I was supposed to gulp down as fast as I could - I left my body then - it is cool when I do that - if something is happening to me that I truly just can't take but I am forced to do (I learned this as a kid) then I remove myself away - I know it sounds weird - but it works and before I knew it the cup was empty and then I was instructed to lay down on the table and turn my body over and over (coating my insides with that barium stuff) after that then I had to lay down on my right side (pain, pain, pain - but I won't show it) and then I had to drink some water really fast through a straw as the doctor was taking her pictures - the coolest thing though was that they had a computer screen in the room with a link to what the doctor was seeing so I was able to see the barium as it slowing made its way down - that was so awesome!! Next, I went to get my EKG test done and I panicked for a moment when my technician turned out to be male - I asked if there were any females available (because in my nursing classes we had to learn how to do EKG's so I knew what was involved) and he looked a little confused but said that he was the only one at the moment so I gave up and went with him - he was very very professional and did what he had to do very quickly and I had the feeling he understood how nervous I was so he rushed it- I was impressed. My next stop was Pulmonary. That was quick and to the point and again, the staff (who are still unaware that I am an employee at Methodist cause I am using my other jobs insurance and have had no reason to mention it) have been oh so great to me, very professional, caring, and understanding - I was surprised because when I am working I don't see that very often except from a select few but then again I work in a totally different area and with a completely different type of patient care. Anyway, my last stop was in the laboratory, I had been on restriction of no food or water until after most of my tests so I really drowned myself with water before my pulmonary test so I could be ready to give the urine sample that was on the lab sheet. Well, by the time I was signed in and was waiting to be called, I was about to explode - so when it was my turn, the tech was going to take my blood first and I asked, rather quickly, if I could give my sample first, he understood right away and gave me my sample cup, which made my whole day and when I got back to my tech he had a great sense of humor and was excellent at getting my blood.

By the time all was said and done it was 11:15am and my next appointment was at 1:00pm for my pre-op classes so I took my time getting there and was able to rest for awhile. My pre-op classes were as expected - learned about my new diet, and was given a lunch bag with samples in it. The dietician was someone I hadn't met yet, Khristy was her name, and she was absolutely great - I was the only one scheduled so we got to really interact. Then she gave me to the RN who went into more detail about the surgery and what to expect before and after the surgery and what symptoms to watch for in case of something wrong. She talked about some of her experiences - like that out of the 530 patients that she has assisted in the OR that they have only lost 4 patients; two of them right on the table due to some unusual medical problems - one other 32 days after surgery due to a pulmonary embolism - the other one made it to the recovery room and the unit but ended up having a massive septic infection and was sent back down to surgery and died while they were operating. She really gave me alot to think about and then think about some more.

My last appointment was at 4:00pm and my pre-op classes ended at 3:00pm so I had plenty of time to be where I had to go and took my time. This appointment was going to be the hardest one of them all - it was my voluntary psych counseling that I have decided to finally break down and try. I keep seeing lots of post-op journals mentioning that they wished they had gotten their head fixed cause that was actually the hardest to get through - so here I am. It went a little better than I thought but I was bound and determined to keep it as general as possible so to not cry in front of this stranger - maybe that will come later but not today. I gave her my basic reason for being there was because I am having surgery and I already know why I am addicted to food and what triggers my cravings and I wanted to know if she could "fix" it. At the end of the session, this person knew more about my problems than my own mother or even myself - she was able to assure me that if we worked together for however long it takes then she could assist me with better coping mechanisms, she won't be able to erase my memories (which is what I was hoping for) but she gave me an example that was totally cool it went like this: If I really want to get better and feel "normal" then eventually my memories will become like the memories of my breakfast. She totally threw me into a loop when she mentioned this because what did breakfast have anything to do with my past so she explained that currently when I think of my traumatic memories - they follow with a hundred different emotions but how do I feel when I remember what I had for breakfast - I stated that it was barely a memory and if I had to put a feeling to it I guess I would think of my prior meals as noneventful and not worth any emotion at all except at the time I was eating that food it made me feel content but only at the time - later on when the food was gone it meant nothing to me - so that is how I will hopefully end up feeling about my bad past memories. I can only hope for that outcome - but I won't be surprised and I will try not to be too disappointed if this just ends up being a dead end. Thinking on the positive side: I guess I really don't want my past memories erased because unlike the movie "Paycheck" where they could be selective with the memories they erased most likely my good memories would be gone too and I would miss those. I may have had some bad times in my past but there were good ones too every once in awhile and I cherish those memories, I think that is why I love photography because I am able to capture those positive moments forever and when my nightmares can't be beat back and follow me into my day then, sometimes, all it takes is being surrounded by my photo albums and then imagine myself back in time when that photo was taken and I can push out the bad with the good.

CPAP SAGA CONTINUATION....uggghhh, OK I have to admit that this machine DOES work but it is a pain in my buttocks (pronounced with Forrest Gumps accent). The sides of my nose where the mask sits has made these red indentations and even after the red fades, I am still really sore in that area especially when my glasses or whatever barely even touch it. I also feel bad for my poor husband he was lookin' tired and came home exhausted from work today so I asked him what was wrong and he just looked at me and then admitted that he can't sleep. I was surprised because I usually keep him awake with my snoring or lack of breathin' (he would hear that I stopped snoring and wake up to get me breathing again if my brain didn't). So he told me that he can't hear anything now - the machine is very very quiet and I don't move at all and he can't hear me breathing either because that is how good the mask is (to me it is kind of loud but it is rhythmic so it helps to put me to sleep) anyway, so he keeps waking up to make sure the machine is working because he is afraid that because I wear a brace to keep my mouth shut while I sleep and the machine covers all of my nose then if the machine malfunctions he thinks I will suffocate to death so he hardly gets any sleep - oh well, if it isn't one thing it is another. My biggest problem right now is that on Tuesday morning (yesterday) I awoke with the worst pain in my neck - literally. I just assumed it was a strained muscle - you know, like when you sleep on your shoulder wrong, so I took some Ibuprofen and then last night the pain was really bad, I felt like a nail was being driven into my lower neck on the right side which then the pain started traveling to the middle of my upper arm so I took some Vicodin and my Flexeril, which was given to me for my herniated disk pain in my lower back, and when I woke up this morning I was fine just lying straight on my back but the minute I tried to move my right arm I was in pain. So I just started my usual treatment of mind-over-matter and try to ignore the pain away like I do with my daily headaches - it didn't work.

I received my CPAP machine yesterday evening. I used it last night for the first time and I have to admit that I feel like an alien freak wearing it. But it does work. I wake up in the same position that I fell asleep in which happens to be my back AND I wasn't sore or in pain from my lower back at all - go figure. My husband commented that the dark circles that I seemed to have permanently been inflicted with have slightly improved to my normal color - slightly. I do have more energy than before and it showed when I got home from work. I was able to pay attention to the kids for a longer period of time than before and with alot more patience. Hm, this might not be so bad.

I'M BACK! For the moment - just a quick update that I have returned from my road trip to Washington State and Montana and as soon as I can develop my pics I will be posting them on my online album (go to the geocities link in the title block above and then click on Valdez Album - and then you will see the album categories on the left hand side and look for ROAD TRIP 2005). I had a great time visiting my friends and family and I did make the decision to tell them about my surgery. I didn't get much negative feedback, just some looks like I was crazy and other comments of concern but mostly I got neutral to positive remarks. I was carrying a heavy burden with the thought of having to tell them and make them worry but now I feel so much better, especially when I was able to hug everybody afterward and tell them how much they mean to me so that if I don't have a successful surgery at least their last impression of me was a positive one.

I have reached past my one-year mark in taking my Prozac. I had an appointment to see my PCP on February 28th to renew my medication and ask why my current prescription is not really working like it used to (which you could probably tell a few entries up). My biggest clue that it isn’t working was the fact that I totally just flipped out on a “friend” of my husband and I feel really bad about it now. I have nobody to talk to about it – cause if my husband knew what I did he would be mad that I interfered and if I confided in other family members they would probably just assume I am off on a wild jealous streak – which may not be to far from the truth but I think it really has a lot to do with my meds. I think I am pretty safe writing this entry here as my outlet because the family members I introduced this website to I think have forgotten about it – I hope they have anyway cause I really need to purge my conscious of the matter. It started with my husband (who lives a country away from some of his family and friends) found a website that specialized in getting family and friends from his hometown together to chat and share photos, etc… and he asked that I don’t become a member cause he will be sure to tell me of all the interesting things that happen (also because he has more female friends than male friends and I have just a tiny wee bit of anxiety over that and another big thing is that my written Spanish totally SUCKS) and I watched as my husband finally went from very computer illiterate to a better than average surfer of this particular website due to the numerous hours he spent on it talking to long lost friends and cousins. I was happy that he was so HAPPY. Well, then my husband started telling me that an old “friend” of his found him on this website and emailed him privately and I was proud of my husband because he was telling me about it as it happened but at the same time I became very paranoid. I knew this old “friend” of his and I would never admit this to my husband but she is very pretty and so I started to feel insecure even though she lives over 2000 miles away, it still bothered me. Well, very long story cut way down, I found a way to go off on her. My husband informed me that this old “friend” was really starting to make waves on his website, which then I got defensive and wondered why she was there at all – to clarify I mean, this website is only for people who are from this certain town in Mexico or are family / married from someone from this town, so why is this white girl, who has only passed through this town, have anything important to add to this website. So I broke my husband’s rule and just “visited” this website and found out that this chick was actually arguing with a family member of ours. I lost it. I mean nobody messes with my family – especially this chick who doesn’t even know the rest of my family. I felt offended that she would have the guts to do what she did – I also felt bad too because I think it was also my fault, like she was doing it because she had emailed my husband telling him that when he finally got rid of me to look her up again so I think because he wrote her off she felt she needed to get back at him (yes, she is that type of person) and started slamming my sister-in-law with verbal nonsense on the website’s open forum areas. I can’t understand why she picked her but I think maybe it had something to do with the last name being the same and she put two and two together and found out they were family. Anyway, whatever her reasoning I had enough and privately emailed a very nasty message along the lines of “if you ever interfere again in what is none of your concern, I will……” and I didn’t get an email back but I haven’t seen her back on the website posting nonsense ever since I did that. Maybe it was because of me or maybe she just found a new boyfriend, who knows. But I have been quite nervous ever since, and I wished I hadn’t of interfered because I fear she will tell my husband and then he will be mad (not like he is a bad person or anything when he is mad, I just like to see him content and happy, ALWAYS and I feel bad if he gets upset because of something I did). I guess my conscious has really been eating away at me too because I felt bad not telling my husband what I did but I can’t tell him. I am afraid he will think I was just being a jealous bitch – and again, maybe I was.

So anyway now I know my meds weren't working because normally something like that would have just rolled off my back – don’t get me wrong though, I am the oldest in this little family of my husband and I (which contain his two younger brothers and their wives, and his younger sister and her husband and all the kids in between), I am even older than my husband by a year, so I do have this very, very, overprotective motherly-type streak when it comes to this family of mine. But with age, I have learned when to let the childish games just go and fall off the line of vision.

So now I guess I better get to the reason I began this entry in the first place: MEDICINES. Ok, so I went to my appointment and I was trying to also make it easier on my PCP by asking for my meds to be written in the liquid form so I could still take it after my surgery. My PCP doubled my Prozac and I went off my merry way, that is, until I filled the RX. Even after adding flavoring to this stuff, it still killed me to take it. I had to gag down this medicine every night and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I quit - I gave up, I just couldn't force myself through that anymore and I called my PCP and explained that not only was it hard to get down but I don't think it is working either so she called in a different med per my request. Yesterday, I picked up my RX for Wellbutrin SR 150mg BID. I took my first pill yesterday afternoon before work and by the time I got off I was still buzzin around like a bee. WOW, when it says it causes sleeplessness, it sure was right - I was wired like I had 10 cups of coffee.

Today, I took it at 9am (cause you have to take them 8 hours apart) and within a hour I was wired and it is like 10:00pm now and I have been at work since 2:00pm and I could go another shift without even thinking about it. The other bad side effect is that I have a real doozy of a headache. It started yesterday with my first dosage and then faded a bit and then came back full force with this dosage this morning. Oh well, I guess I can't have it all and I guess I would rather have a headache and feel sane than not have a headache and be crazy and mean and emotional all the time.