Beezer M.
It was long ago thought that the earth was flat. It was also thought that the moon was made of cheese. Over the decades of progress the way that people think has changed as much as the current fashion trends. But for me it's always been the same. Try to get through each day alive and without being any less of a person. Its not always been that easy though. You see my entire life I've always been a large person. If I were a lady and this is meant in no way to be offensive to ladies but I would be considered to be plus size. So keeping an open mind about life has always been very hard for me to do when I've always been the butt of jokes whenever I walk into a room. "Hey look Shamu escaped from SeaWorld!" "Save the whales… Save the whales!" You know the jokes that are said about fat people, and don't tell me you've never heard of any because I know you have. Everyone has. It's as common as racial jokes and also jokes about gay people. But that is okay; you say them as I have and you rationalize it by saying it was only a joke and that there was no actual harm done by telling it. But was there? Did anyone hear it that wasn't supposed to hear it? Do you know you didn't hurt anyone's feelings with it? Odds are that no you didn't. Most of those jokes start with the casual turning of the head to scope out the area close to you to make sure that the subject of your joke is no where near to you. So for now you are safe. But I'm not safe. Being a plus sized person for so long I have come to expect it wherever I go. I mean, its like second nature to expect the comments and jokes. I have tried to make myself callous to the constant bombardment of the usual stereotypical things that bother fat people. But by trying to be callous I have given myself a complex, although I deny it, even to my closest friends and family. To a certain point in my life, I though the only happiness I would ever find would be in death. I often fantasized about the life beyond, or the how my pain and suffering would end if I would go. Suicide is a word that is not free from my vocabulary. By the age of 28 I had tried it only once but came very close it trying it a second time. The depression I often go though leaves me so empty inside that I will not let anyone in. Although I have become a very emotional person through my experiences and have created a great circle of friends, I still won't let anyone into my mind totally. The reason I have made it this far in life is because of my circle of friends. Just when I think I have met the best person God could have created, I meet yet another to compliment that circle already built. Whenever there is a stammer in my system of emotional turmoil, I can lean outward in any direction and be supported by these people, these people I call friends. In my constant dream that there is some type of cure for what I have and that there will be someday, an overall happiness, I continue to survive. Day by day I forge my way through the emotional hell that I have to endure and can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those of you like me, you will know almost exactly what I speak of. Those of you who have not been afflicted with this disease you shall never know what goes on inside our minds and more so what goes on inside out hearts. Each of us out there is as different as snowflakes, no one being exactly the same as another. However, there is one thing that we share aside from the disease of obesity and that is love. The love that is in the heart of a plus sized person is rivaled by none, and I am no exception. The love in my heart prevents me from hating anything in this world except for myself at times... But that like me is changing. Many things are contributing factors for my love, most being the parents that raised me and placed a well-balanced head upon my shoulders. My other main factor happens to be two people I met in the summer before my junior year in high school. They are two people who turned out to be two of the greatest and most influential people in my life. To me they were just new people I shared my concerns, my heartaches and my sorrows with. They became my best friends and will be for now and always two of the people I will love & respect most in the world. They are Lory Moccia and Sarah Shepherd. But we'll meet up with Lory, Sarah and the other friends that have helped to guide my life later in my story. I had said that things with me are changing. They are changing so much and have changed so much in the past twelve months since surgery. My outlook on life has improved greatly since my surgery, a surgery that has given me a new lease and outlook on life. For years I thought that because of the strife I have faced in my life that I really don’t have anything going for me. Now at the age of 30 I can actually stop, look at my life and take stock of just how good I have it. Through the years as my weight increased my self-esteem decreased. With each pound I put on I became more and more afraid of the real world and just how cruel it could be. The incidents of my life are so all aver the pace I am not sure where to start in telling you what I have dealt with. You already know about my weight problem and I will deal with how that has affected my life soon, but I feel that you also need to know the other big factor of my life. You see when I was young, maybe 7 or 8, I was sexually molested. I was forced to perform oral sex on an older male of only 13 years of age. He then proceeded to sodomize me and told me not to tell anyone that this would be our little secret. For reasons I will not get into, I will only say it was a relative, but not a member of my immediate family. I am not familiar with many other cases of sexual abuse but in my case with the aggressor telling me to keep it a secret I did as he instructed. I never spoke of this event until years later when I first told my best friend in high school. It never really bothered me that I could tell but it did start me into a pattern of befriending females instead of males. Most of my guy friends picked on me in high school because my closest friends were all girls, but they just didn’t know. How could they understand that because of what happened to me as a child took me to the point where the only people I could trust were my closest girl friends? And so it was that I started my downward spiral toward a self-destructive low self-esteem that almost cost me everything. After high school I was pretty much pressured into college, which was something that I really didn’t want to do. My first year in college as my weight was gaining and my self-esteem was breaking my will and my spirit I found my way to the local pub each morning at opening. Armed with only $4 a day I would drink my two pitchers of beer all by myself and then maybe if I wanted to head off to class I would. This became my normal routine. Get to school, skip all my classes and then go drink. I would even drink all morning and then drive to work at the local restaurant. This continued for a while as my drinking increased and so did my depression. Then one day I got so drunk and don’t remember how it came to be that I was dropped off at the restaurant where I worked. The girls there were taking care of me, feeding me and pouring lots of coffee into my system. I got up walked over to the payphone and called my mother and told her that I was drunk and we needed to talk. She came and we sat and talked about a lot of the things that had been on my mind and that had been bothering me. I told her about how my weight was getting me down and that I was so lonely in my life because I had never had a girlfriend. I then told her about the being molested. This was the first time that I ever spoke of this publicly to anyone other than Lory. I was able to work through a few of my problems and decided that college was not just right for me at that moment and I decided to take a quarter off and just work. I worked my butt off but never really got through my problems. It became so bad for me that I found myself falling further and further into a deep depression that took me to my lowest. One Saturday afternoon I found my fathers gun and made sure it was loaded. I sat crying listening to the radio. I hated country music at that time in my life so I made sure to have it on in the background. I didn’t write a note, I wasn’t going to tell anyone why I did it. I sat there with the gun to my head crying a stream of tears. I listened to the music and hated each song I heard almost as much as I hated myself. Cocking the hammer as I readied my finger for the trigger I heard the song that saved my life. On the radio played The River by Garth Brooks. I listened to the lyrics word by word, not just hearing a song but understanding and interpreting my own meaning of its intent. It was the words of that song that gave me hope to not give up and to try again, and so I did. My life took a quick and better change and through the people I met at the restaurant I got a job at my local police department as a radio dispatcher. I started that job still not sure where I wanted the road of life to take me, but it was a new experience and a challenge so I gave it a try. Just a few short months into the job it was the Christmas 1991 miracle that changed my life forever. Without going to great detail I learned that I had been given the opportunity to help people in need. Because of my actions that night, two people are alive today. One of which is a police officer I work with who I am still very good friends with today. Also because of my actions that night and the results of those actions I remain a member of that police department and currently hold a full-time position as a 9-1-1 dispatcher, where I answer both emergency and non-emergency calls, as well as dispatching police fire, and ems services. I as grew from that time in maturity, so did my weight. I began to put it on and put it on. I masked the problems at hand by hiding my fear in humor. Through all of the problem times in my life I have always turned to humor as a façade to mask my hurting. Through this time and by this age my best friend Lory & I sort of lost touch while she was away at college. She to that point in my life was my only source of stability. Now alone I needed to find other means of keeping myself on tract without losing it all over again. Even though I was doing a good job of keeping myself busy enough to forget my problems, they were still there. But the more time that passed the bigger I got and my problems grew in style and in number. Those of you on the outside who have never walked in the shoes of a large person will not even begin to know the hurt and the pain and sorrow one can feel from being alone. Alone, there I said it. At that point in my life and right now as I pen this story my biggest fear is to die alone. Not so much now because I have grown and learned so much, but back then in my early 20’s I was so very much scared to die alone.
The Journey Begins
After gathering as much information from this website as one person could possibly gather, I contacted my primary care doc - Dr. Howard G. Slemons (Howie) In the past we had discussed the option of wls but after what I saw, I knew that it was the route I wanted to take. After just one phone call from him, Aetna US Healthcare approved me for my first visit with Dr. Thomas Stellato in Cleveland on Sept 5, 2000. Remembering that I had the option to pick the doctor I wanted - I called Howie and requested the doctor be changed to Dr. Schreiber. I felt through all I have read and everyone I talked to, that Dr. Schreiber was the best around. So here I go - my date is the same as before... I'll let you know how it goes!
To get to where I need to be I have given myself a motto. This motto is posted all over my house and I see it everywhere I look... "1 Mission - 1 Goal... ME"
Keep the faith everybody.... Go Browns 2000
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** UPDATED 9/11/2000 **
Just got a call from Sheri at Dr. Schreiber's office - My new life will begin Wednesday December 20, 2000 - I am soooo excited I think I'm going to wet myself!
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** UPDATE 12/14/2000 **
Well here it is... A few months later and I am right around the corner from the biggest day in my life. The direction of my life is about to take a change. I'm going to make a right turn from the road I am on to a new road... A new road that will take me to a new life. A life that I hope will be filled with healthier and happier times. I won't just hope for those things - I WILL make them happen.
Had pre-surgery testing in Cleveand on 12/8/2000 and that went great. Everone at the hospital was very nice. Tests tests and more tests, then it was upstairs to see bariatric center. All the ladies at Dr. Schriber's office are great. They are just so nice and can be sooo funny. That crazy Sondra is a hoot! Anyway, I got the green light and am just enjoying my last days as me - counting down time till Wednesday 12/20/2000. I'm trying to get my "lasts" in... Last candy bar, last steak, last beer... last of everything that I know I will no longer be able to eat. And as I eat them... I think to myself - ya know what? I might miss them sometime down the road, but I will never regret giving them up for becoming a better and happier me!
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** UPDATE 12/26/2000 **
Well, I'm home and on my way. It went better then I had expected. I did not experience the fear or jitters that I had figured I would. It was a very good experience overall.
Drove to the hospital with my best friend Lory. I wanted to spend that last hour or so with her, as she has been the one I have always turned to with all my problems. My parents followed us there - because as soon as they leave Hubbard... They are lost!!
Soon as we got there it was right up to the room and get dressed, then they put me on a bed and wheeled me in with my family for the last few min. As quick as I got there and watched a lil morning news in Cleveland, I was saying goodbye to each of them, then it was through the door and against the wall while they got me ready. Dr. Schreiber stopped by to see me as soon as he got in - and it was just a few moments and we were on our way down the hall. Next thing I know I am in recovery. None of my family could believe how alert I was right after the procedure. I even made most of the phone calls to friends to tell them it went well.
There was much discomfort at first, but as time moved on, so did the pain. That is until day 2 post-op, well call this day, "GAS PAIN DAY" Oh my God, let me tell you, for those fo you who are about to undergo this procedure... get ready for this day. But I was able to make it through with the help of great nurses. These ladies were the absolute best ever. So nice, so personal and just a total pleasure. Kim, Joy, Maude, Pam and Renita, (sorry if I forgot any) these ladies were the best.
My surgery was Wed 12/20/2000 and I came home Sat 12/23/2000, and I write this on Tuesday 12/26/2000. I feel very good. I'm getting around a little better at home, still very ginger with the way I move and what I do. The meals are okay but when I can get out to the store on my own to make some purchases it'll get better!
I'm on my way to a new me!
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** UPDATE 1/11/2001 **
Saw Dr. Schriber on Tuesday 1/9/2001 for my three week check up. He was very pleased as to how my incision was looking. Was also pleased with the results I have been seeing so far. In just 3 weeks I have lost 24lbs so far. I've been trying to follow the rules as shown in the post-op book that is given in the hospital. As everyone knows its all about trial and error to figure out what your body will like and dislike. I have been trying to keep my intake of fluids to the reccomended 6 to 8 - 8oz glasses of water or low cal liquid a day. Although I can't quite drink that much - with super duper small sips, I'm drinking as much as I can get down. To this point - Spirits are high and I am feeling great!
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** UPDATE 2/1/2001 **
Feeling great these days. Things are going my way with the recovery process and I couldn't possibly feel any more joy that I am feeling these days.
As of 8 weeks post-op I have lost at total of 44 lbs!!!
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** UPDATE 4/15/2001 **
Well, it’s almost 4 months after surgery and I am feeling GREAT. Things are changing for me everyday. With each new pound that comes off I find more of the person that has been hidden inside of me. Oh yea - I've lost 71 lbs so far!!
It is at this time that I need to recognize those close to me who have helped me through so much. I have a small group of friends that I like to call my "circle" And each friend has been a very important part of my circle. They are all my best friends and I love them very much. My extra special thanks & love to: Lory, Stacy, Alliy, Casey, Nikki and Evelyn. All of you gals mean the world to me and I wouldn't trade my friendship with any of you for all the riches in the world. And of course how could I forget my 2nd in command... You know who you are Ballz - and I love you like a brother!!
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** Update 5/10/2001 **
Well I am now 80 lbs lighter. I feel better then I ever have before in my life and I am now doing things that I never thought that I could. I went to see Phantom of the Opera with a very close friend. What an eye opening experience. I’ve seen the production twice before and enjoyed it, but what was productive was the lessons that I learned about myself through the eyes of a friend. Boy what a drive home that was. I now know that I need to stop living in the past and stop dwelling on the things that had depressed me in my life up until now. I need to stop feeling down about myself & my weight and I need to stop going to my friends for comfort. I need to stop relying on them and having them as my comfort blanket. I am 29 years old and need to live my life today, not my life yesterday or tomorrow. Today is right now and I need to live it and be happy - tomorrow is the future and I will experience that in time. But right now I need to stop and smell the flowers that surround me. I need to learn to love the person that I am today, right here right now!
Thanks to a friend, I’m now looking at the flowers that I’m standing in. I just picked one of them, a full beautiful yellow rose with a lovely fragrance - Man this is great. Thank you Stacy - I love you!
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** Update 5/21/2001 **
I’m feeling so great these days. I know I can directly attribute this to the long-term results of my surgery that I am already starting to see. I also know that my new attitude and outlook on life is also one of the reasons that I feel so good. I have never in my life taken the time for me - and I am finally doing that. I’m also doing so much more. I had my vacation in the Florida Keys; I went to Detroit to see the Phantom. Tomorrow I’m going to spend time with my friend Evelyn and we’re going to Cleveland to see the Indians. I just made plans this past weekend to go to my first ever NASCAR race in June to see the Pocono 500. Oh yea - and I'm gunna go see Tim Mcrgaw & Kenny Chesney in July too!! So much is going on for me - so much for the best! I feel like I should be leaning over the front of the Titanic yelling out...Cuz finally in my life, "I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!"
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** Update 5/22/2001 **
Just a smal side note.... Don’t get too sure of yourself or how you are doing. You never know when you are going to have the rug pulled right from under you and then fall to your face. But with a good head on your shoulders and perseverance you can overcome even the worst situation. These are all lessons learned on the road to get where you need to be. Stay strong and don’t dwell... Look at yourself in the big picture, smile and know that today you are a better person then you were yesterday.
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** Update 6/19/2001 **
Well I saw my Surgeon on the 12th and I can say that I am very happy because I have made my way to the 100 lb mark. I was so happy. I can't start to tell you how much better I feel about myself these days.
Its so hard to describe how I am feeling - especially when I see a friend that I haven't seen in a long time and the look that they show on their face is just priceless. I made a visit to my very good friend Evelyn the night before I left for the Poconos... When I walked through the door the look on her face was one that brought tears to my eyes. I had not seen her in months and to see her face to me was very priceless - it was very special for me and made me feel like I was on cloud 9. Its good to have great friends who care about you so much!
The Poconos were GREAT. I never in my life met a cooler group of people. The guys that hung out in our camp were just too nice. I was scared that I wouldn't fit in - but they made me feel like I was part of their family.
Keep your chin up ya'll.... Its down hill from here.
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** Update 7/3/2001 **
Well as time is moving forward so I am. I am setting goals and achieving them like I never thought that I could ever do. Not just weight goals, but self-esteem goals. To me these goals are not just goals but small baby steps to reach an overall goal and that goal would be for me - is knowing who I am without a doubt in my mind and also knowing what I want every morning when I wake up and being happy with where I am in life. I am on my way to that with very small steps.
I did achieve and overcome one very large fear that I have had for years. I have always been scared to show my true feelings to people whom I have cared about in a non-friend way. This to me was not a baby step... But a very big adult step. I was able to tell a very close friend that I have extra special feelings for her. I did this without thinking that the end result could be losing this friend. I have always been so scared of rejection because of my size. I have never considered myself to be a good looking guy, but ya know what... I am starting to see that I am. Not just on the outside but on the inside as well. But as she is such a friend, she was quite shocked yes, but was very proud of me that I was able to take that step. She knew that this was a very large step for me to express myself in that way and that I have always had a problem in this area.
Regardless of the outcome with the news I have given my friend, she assured me that the friendship will not waiver and I am so happy that she understands. She like me can see the big picture and why I did what I did. I was scared that she would hate me and I was scared that she would never want to talk to me again - but I am grateful that she is not like that. She is someone special to me because we share so many of the same feelings & emotions and I do believe that like all of my friends - She was a gift to me from God - and I am a better person because I have her in my life... As a friend or companion, either way I am a much better person because I know her!
Thanks for understanding Pinkie! L, ~B
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** Update 7/30/2001 **
If you hear about some people who go through ups and downs with this surgery, believe them. I have in the last month been through a major down. I hit a plateau in the weight loss and actually gained at least 12lbs. I personally could not understand why I started the weight gain because I was not doing anything different then I had since the surgery, but yet my weight was on the way up. It finally hit me. I was doing one thing different. I was again drinking pop. I started drinking it mid June at the Pocono; oddly enough that is when the plateau started. So, I cut out the pop and have been able to drop the weight I gained and am back into a slow and steady downward slide with my weight.
I was diagnosed with a bone spur on my left heel and have been undergoing a regiment of physical therapy that seems to be working well for me. I am back to walking more and will be back in the gym real soon. The more I can walk and the more active I am, the better I feel about myself too.
Stacy got married this past weekend. I have never seen a bride that looked more beautiful. Speaking of beautiful, I was accompanied to her wedding by my life long best friend Lory, who was just back from a three-week vacation in Italy. You can see a picture of us down below on this page. We had a great time together and I was very glad to see her again. Sometimes you don’t know how much you can miss someone until you see him or her again. It did my heart good to see her and catch up.
Everyday the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter... We’ll be getting there soon ~ Keep the faith!!
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** Update 9/10/2001 **
Well, I’m back to writing after a long break. Its summer and I know I have been slacking but hey, I’ve been a busy boy. I’m back to dropping the weight again. It’s slow in coming off but the way I look at it, is with every pound that comes off no matter how slow it may be, I’m that much closer to my overall goal. And as you all should be aware of by now is just plain and simply my happiness in who I am. And guess what kids, I’m already well on my way to that goal. As in previous updates I am doing more and more each day that passes. More things to make me feel good and to show myself my newly found comfort in who I am. Since I last wrote I have been to see my first ever Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a great Tribe game with my best friend Lory. I traded in my 98 Silverado for a 2002 Chevy Trailblazer. I got on stage in front of over a hundred people at the Canfield Fair to sing Karaoke. Lets see - I made and met a new friend ** Special shout out to Lisa** That in itself is a big step for me. Cuz of my size I’ve always had a problem meeting new people and my close friends know that. It’s a fear of acceptance because of my size, and do go and do it alone was a HUGE step for me. Those of you who have had or have weight problems know exactly what I am talking about. Its good to have close friends that understand your problems like that but there comes a time when you need to step away from that shelter of love and take a stab at getting over your fears. Meeting Lisa was an extremely rewarding moment for me. Not only did I take a step I never thought I would be able to do for such a long time, but also I met a great person who seems like she has a heart of gold. I hope that I will be able to reap the seed of friendship that we just recently have sewn.
Also I gotta give a special shout out to my new Lil Systa Wheelz. Wheelz is the daughter of a family friend and my online buddy, pal & just plain Lil Systa. A very talented athlete, a great gal & just a little cutie that is gunna drive the boys of Hubbard crazy. (((( Hugs to ya Meg))))
Okay kids... Here’s my biggest news in this update. I have done something this past week that I never thought I would be able to do for a long time. After years of having to buy my pants from big & tall mail order because of my size. I have purchased my 1st pair of pants from the actual big & tall store. This is a big event for me cuz I didn’t think I was small enough to fit into their biggest size of 60. But guess what ya’ll - 60 was too big. And so was 58!! Since my surgery 12/20/2000 I have gone from a size 72 pants to a size 56. I didn’t tell anyone this because it was my lil secret but when I zipped up them pants and buttoned that button in the change room. One lone tear streaked my cheek and I tasted of its salt. It was the sweetest tear I have cried in my life to this date. I am on my way!! The girls of the Mahoning Valley better watch out cuz the All New and Improved Beezer is coming soon!! (Although its hard to improve on something that is already put together so well, but I am trying to do it // ha ha ha)
Well that’s it for now. I’m on my way out to but me some more new clothes to celebrate my downsizing! Keep the faith ya’ll. L, ~ B
P.S. The Hubbard Eagles are kickin ass in 2001 baby!!
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** Update 10/7/2001 **
Well, it’s less then a week and I be ending a chapter of my life and starting a whole new one. I can’t believe that I will be 30 years old. I’ve recently had the chance to step back and assess my progress thus far in my life and there is one thing that I am sure of. I may not have had the easiest life nor, I may not have had the hardest life ether. But I am damn sure that I have had a lucky life. And when I say lucky I mean this: I have a super family that loves me and supports me though everything. I have the greatest friends ever, from my closest pals to people that I know just as casual friends - I never really knew how loved I am and how much people really do care for me until this weekend. I live in the greatest country in the world and cherish the blanket of freedom that keeps us all safe from the evils of the world. And I have been blessed with the opportunity to be able to learn and grow through everything that I have experienced thus far and use those experiences and the new lease on life I have through thus surgery to better myself physically, spiritually and mentally. So I guess yea, I am pretty Damn Lucky!!
I lost a few more pounds and now my total weight loss to date is 130 lbs. I’m working out more through the help of the great people at Action Physical Therapy. I started there for help with my heel spur and have stayed on to use their facilities to work out. What a great group of people. I’ve known them only a short time but I feel like they have been my friends forever. They just care so much about their patients its unbelievable. They are exactly what I needed to kick start my physical activity. I can’t start to describe how much their encouragement means to me. So I need to take this time to thank them for everything. Murph, Mike, Becky, Courtney, Timmy Timmy Timmy, Stephanie and Kirby. They are not just my therapists; they are my personal trainers, my coaches and my fans but most of all my new great group of friends! THANK YOU GANG!
Keep The Faith Ya’ll.... Things are getting brighter :)
L, ~B
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** Update 10/13/2001 **
Happy Re-Birthday to me. I may be turning 30 years old today but ya know what, in the grand scheme of things I’m just getting warmed up. As the announcer on the old 60’s TV show Batman used to say... The Best Is Yet To Come! I woke this morning to a myriad or ecards. Thanks to all those who made me smile and the few who made me cry for joy on this day. Stacy, Pete, My Cousin Kim, Moe Moe and my long distance friend Diane... you guys ROCK! Well, I have completed two days of my Turning 30 Birthday Extravaganza and I have to tell you all that it has been so rewarding so far. Thursday Stacy took me out to dinner at the hickory Grille... Very Nice! Then we were off to the Youngstown Crab Company to see a live Jazz combo and grab a lil Stoli & Cran. Then it was off to Choices for some Disco dancing. Before Stacy was married she & I would always frequent out favorite local band Disco Explosion (www.discox.com) so for her to be able to get away for an evening and spend it with me was probably one of the best gifts I could get. Thanks Bo... Beeze Luvs you!
It was Homecoming for my Eagles last night. I have to tell ya that announcing High School Football has been one of the greatest activities I have ever involved myself in. After my Eagles gave me a 43 to 6 win and an 8 and 0 record as a present, it was time for day 2 of he extravaganza. My new friend Lisa came over to drop off her car and be my Designated Driver and drive my new 2002 Trailblazer, then it was off to the Cellar to see my other favorite band The Rage. (www.the-rage.net Pictures will be posted soon on their site for a limited time only) It was so great to see all of my friends show up to hang with me. I had such a great time laughing, drinking and oh yea, tearin up the dance floor. I have to tell ya for a big guy... or should I say a no longer big guy... I can cut one mean ass rug. Then I got the best surprise ever. The boys in The Rage had me come up on stage to sing "Killing In The Name Of" by Rage Against The Machine. I ROCKED THE HAUSE! But anyway, special thanks and hugs to Lisa for making that night so special! You sweetie are just too dayum cute! Tonight I am off to dinner at the Hot Rod Café and to hang with all my closest friends. I can’t wait to get them all together in one place - I’ll give you all the sorted detail at a later time... complete with pictures! OH OH OH and before I forget - I hit the scales with Lisa last night. The new number is 132 Baby! Happy Re-Birthday to me! What a great day to be me! Again Thanks to all who make my life so special and fill my heart with love! ((((Hugs To All)))) L, ~B
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** Update 11/08/2001 **
Hello all, I hope that this finds everyone in the same good mood as I am in. So much has happened since I have turned 30. I’ve found a few things that I have lost and grown to appreciate some of the new things in my life. Turning 30 has been very rewarding for me so far. It finally feels good to be able to control my own destiny for the first time ever.
I went to Cleveland last weekend to spend time with Casey. What a wonderful time she and I had. We had tickets to see Tony & Tina’s Wedding, man what a great play. So crazy and so fun. Penguin and I just had a blast. Then she and I went to a club near where she lives and I got my boogie on. I am a dancing fool! What a great weekend. I am really glad that she and I have been able to become close again; she has done my heart so much good. I love her and her family a lot.
I have reestablished a friendship recently. How I met this person has no bearing on anything and the fact that I hadn’t spoke to her for over two years means just about as much... But I can tell you that I am so glad that we were able to bridge the gap of distance between us and have set the cornerstone on what I think will be a great relationship. If those of you who don’t know me can’t already tell from reading my journal, I am a very friend oriented person. I rely on my friends so much in my life and I am so grateful for them always being by my side each step of my journey. Anyway I just wanted to welcome my friend Kathy back into my life. She is a great gal and a great friend. She like many of my friends has no idea of the potential she has and the effect that just her smile can have on people. What is amazing is the fact that we haven't spoken in years and we picked up where we were just like that. Kathy is a beautiful person and is going to be a wonderful friend.
I’m doing well in my weight loss. I have recently made my way to 329 lbs. Not too shabby if I may say so myself. I had recently purchased tickets to an Aerosmith concert for my birthday, but it unfortunately has been cancelled. But that is okay because Thanksgiving weekend Heather and I are on our way to Cleveland to see the Barenaked Ladies. I am sooo jazzed up. The weekend after that Lory and I are going to our first Browns game at the new Stadium. Alliy had gotten me tickets for my birthday, so I am going to love sitting there in the cold barking for my Brownies.... Woof Woof Woof.
My Eagles have gone undefeated winning all 10 of their regular season games and have launched themselves into the playoffs. They won their first round game and advance on in their run for the big dance. Congratulations and best of luck to Jeff and his Eagles... Go Blue!
Oh and before I go I want to again thank all of my friends helped me celebrate my turning 30 Stacy, Lory, Alliy, Mark & Stacy, Billy, Bobby, Evelyn, Jimmy & Leslie, Uncle Eddie & Debbie.... and special thanks to my two newest friends Heather and Lisa. I really appreciate all of you taking time out of your busy schedules to fit me in. I Luv You Gang! thanks for helping me keep my head screwed on tight! Keep the faith ya’ll cuz things are looking pretty damn good from where I stand these days!
L, B
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** Update 11/13/2001 **
Have you ever been to a point where you thought life could not get any better then right now? Have you ever been there to that point and then have uncontrollable events happen to change your outlook? I am to that point. My event wasn’t horrific or tragic, nor was it monumental. It was not me winning the lotto and being set for life financially and it wasn’t me buying a new car, because I already have one of those. My event was just breakfast with a very close and special friend. I won’t bore you with the topics of conversation and the thoughts and feelings on life that were discussed. However, I will tell you that I came away from breakfast with my outlook on life changed from the way it was when I went there. Just when I thought I could not feel any better about myself, or life in general, something happens that changes it. I left breakfast with a special feeling in my heart. This special feeling can’t be put into words for you to understand. There is no way I can describe it with just a simple characterization. That would not do this feeling justice. Its something that I want to share but yet something I want to keep private. I write about this now because this is where I publicly place heart on my sleeve and let you all into my world. I need you all to know, especially those of you who share the life experiences I have seen and the feelings of sorrow and despair that I have had, that things are not always this bad. Even when you feel good about yourself and about how your life is looking up, events can happen and knowledge can be gained that will totally change that feeling. Know that there is always that silver lining and that light at the end of the tunnel. You may feel good and be happy, but there is always room for improvement. And today at breakfast with a friend, my outlook on my life and myself has improved. It has improved to a level I never thought I could see it at before from a different dimension. So those of you who reed this and are feeling good about who you are and the life you are leading please know that there is so much more sunshine out there to brighten your life.
To my special breakfast and email buddy who asks all the questions (Ha Ha Ha)... Thanks for a great time and a wonderful conversation I am glad you felt comfortable sharing so much with me, but I am gunna kick your butt for picking up the tab when I was not looking!!!
((( Hugs To All )))
L, ~ B
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** UPDATE 12/18/2001 A Year In Review **
Wow, it is so hard to believe that it has been a year since my life has taken its dramatic change. I have come so far and done so much. Sometimes when you think you have done all that you are and were supposed to, you get that always present reality check. You get brought down from your high to take a better look at things and how you can improve them. I am fresh off my trip to Cleveland and my 1 year anniversary appointment. I was honored with the company of a long lost friend that I was recently reunited with. Kathy and I had a great day together. We did breakfast here in the area then drove to the Northcoast and did some Christmas shopping at Tower City. We went to the docs and then dinner at The Chop House & Brewery in the city. Going in I was feeling so high and on top of the world because I have lost so much and have dropped another size in pants. In my visit to the doctor I learned that I am way behind where I should be at this time compared to other patients. The average percentage of excess body weight lost is roughly 58% at the 12 months post-op stage. I have only lost 41%. Not that what I have done to this point so far is anything to be sad about because its not. I have lost over 130 lbs and dropped from a 72 to a 54 in pants. That’s a lot. However, I was told that I could be doing more. Karen at the clinic told me that I have a tool to get me down to where I need to be; I should be using it better. I only have another 12 months in the window of opportunity created by my surgery and I should be doing all that I can to use this chance. They gave me a list of certain random foods and their calorie content. Man, I had no idea of just how many empty calories I am consuming by snacking and just poor eating. I didn’t think that what I was eating was all that bad, but ya know what? It all adds up! Those of you reading this please be aware of your caloric intake and try to stick to the total number of daily calories that your doctor advises. Exercise Exercise, Exercise. I know that for me I will be rededicating everything I have to this forthcoming year. Starting in the New Year I will be working out harder, eating better and taking better care of the overall health of my body.
With Christmas just a few short days away, I look at my life and understand just how fortunate I am and how special I have what I have. To see that I have been blessed with an awesome family, super friends and the support of just about anyone who has learned of what I have done to better myself make me beam with joy. For so long I have been down on myself. Even in the face of what I have accomplished so far I always find that opportunity to put myself down. Its going to take me quite some time to come to grips with who I really am and to see just how special of a person I am. I just recently learned to value the fact that I am a special person by a special person, if you can understand that. This person is someone whom I trust with all of my being and I totally respect. To have this person teach me something that I should have known all along was quite an eye opening experience and one that I will cherish forever in my heart. Sometimes the lessons of life can come in wonderful ways as opposed to coming as downfalls and sorrow. Yes my lesson I got from the doctor today was a small bit of sorrow but it can also be looked at as a way to enhance streamline my lifestyle with eating better and exercising more. The other lesson, well that’s something special. Just know that your heart can will your mind.
In this past year of firsts I have done many things. Most of them can be read about above however some things have happened that never made this journal. A few of the concerts and shows I have been to, some of the little events I have done. Going to the mall for the first time by myself. Playing backyard football for the first time in over 12 years, and my first Barenaked Ladies concert with Heather. My first ever trip to see the Browns at the new Stadium with Lory and dancing in the flats. There has just been so many things that I have done my plate is full. I’m also happy that I have made new friends, strengthened bonds with old ones and rekindled long lost ones that my life would not have been complete without. I have a new nephew Garrett and a new car. Not that the car can compete with my new nephew because there is no way anything would ever come before my little ones... Joey, Garrett and Leighann. What else... What else... Oh yea Jimmy Buffet, Phantom of the Opera, Tony & Tina's Wedding (an awesome play) and Oh yes that one forever special parking garage that changed my life forever. HeHeHe. There are just too many things to write down. And I must say this and no one will understand it, but I think one of the very best things that could have happened to me was the Chicken Soup For My Soul. And for lack of explaining myself, I won’t because the meaning of that is just too special to me to even talk about to anyone. Just know that I am totally honored and feel so very touched and special to have Campbell’s Soup in my life. This is for you: Sing along with me:
I have a smile - stretched from ear to ear... to see you walking down the road. We meet at the lights - I stare for a while... the world around disappears. Its just you and me - on this island of hope. A breath between us could be miles... Let me surround you - my sea to your shore... Let me be the calm you seek. Oh and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say and you just walk away... And I forgot - to tell you I love you... and the nights too long, and cold here without you... I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so Oh and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say and you just walk away. And I forgot - to tell you I love you... and the night's too long and cold here without you. I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so
Thanks to everyone who has made this first year so wonderful! I am just honored that you have all stood by me through so much. Get ready, we’ve got another year to go and this one is going to be even better!
I Love All You Guys,
~ B
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** UPDATE 1/2/2002 Happy New Year **
Greetings all and welcome to 2002. I hope that everyone was able to enjoy the holidays as much as I did. It was a great time for me to reflect and take stock of my life and to see just how lucky of a life I have. I may not be rich and I may not be the best looking guy in the world, but boy do I have so much going for me in my life right now. Today I have started fresh and rededicated myself to using my surgery to get me to where the doctor says I should be and I believe without doubt that I will get there. That’s my new phrase that a very special friend taught me. Believe without doubt. If you can believe without doubt then you can do anything that you set your mind to. Well I am here to prove that right. Eating better, working out more and paying more and improving my overall self-worth, those are my priorities this year to come.
I had a wonderful weekend. I was able to head out and help my new friend Joelene celebrate her birthday. I had a good time dancing and I was able to work through one of my fears while being there. Those of you who know me still know that I have that fear of going places alone. But I took that step and did it, I am glad that I did, because the evening was well worth it. Joelene is a great gal and I hope she has as much fun as I did. My New Years was a blast as well. My buddy Mike had a party and I went over there and turned in my keys. There are other sorted details of the evening but I will not write about them here, if you know me you can ask me in person.
My best wishes to everyone for a safe, healthy and happy new year!
L,
~ B
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** Update 3/31/2002 Easter**
Well, this past week I finally broke through. I have been teetering on that seesaw weight between 326 & 335 up and down up and down. This past week I got on the scale at ACTION (where I work out) and I could not believe my eyes. When the scale told me 324 I went crazy. I left and went to Doctor Howie’s office to double check on his scale and it was true. I broke through and I finally can say that I have lost 140 lbs total. And not only have I made that goal, I have also lost another inch across my tummy. I have had my ups and downs with this, but please know that all in all, I am extremely happy in my results.
I have been keeping busy with work and with physical therapy on my foot. And through therapy I have gotten closer with one of the therapists that work there. Jen is one of the greatest gals in the world. She always has a smile on to brighten up the day. And its odd, like most of my close friends its like I have known her for years. She has the knack to always know when I am down and can put a smile on my face in no time and get me back to my normal self. She has been so very good to me, whether it’s teaching me how to do the electric slide or giving me a little spiritual guidance, she is Aces in my book. Oh, and before I forget today is here birthday, So HAPPY BIRTHDAY Jen ~ Beeze Luvs Ya!!! I have said before that things happen in life for a reason. and I believe that I was supposed to met Jen and have her as a close friend. I just love everyone at Action Physical Therapy; they are so super nice people. I am very glad I have had the chance to meet them and to get to know them away from therapy.
Well Everyone, I am sorry it has taken me so long to update, but I am back to getting myself on track and I hope to keep you all informed on what’s new in my life. To all of you who are regular readers, thank you for coming back time after time and keeping tabs on my life after surgery. Thanks for all your emails of support; you all make me feel so wonderful. For those of you who are reading this and are contemplating the surgery, please do not hesitate to email me with any questions you may have, I am open to any and all questions that may help you out, so please feel free.
Smile, It improves the world!
(((Love & Hugs to you all)))
~ B
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*** Update May 10, 2002 ***
Well, things at age thirty are much harder then I could ever imagine. Don’t get me wrong, life for me these days is so much better then I ever dreamed it could be, its just that I never thought there would be so much involved with it. I thought that losing all the weight I have lost would place me back into my early twenties, so to speak, when looking at it from an energy of life standpoint. And in some ways it has, however, there has been just so much to contend with that I never thought I would ever see. Now some things, I don’t know if I will ever have the chance to see again, at least not in my mind. I can’t get over this plateau with my weight. It is like I am at a stand still. I know there is so much more that I can be doing but I just can’t seem to get focused all the way like I should, there is so much that clouds my mind these days. Its like I have no willpower when it comes to trying to adhere to a certain diet regiment. I try to work out as much as possible but I am so limited on the cardio activities I can do because of my heel spur and the fact that it hurts so much. I’m trying to mend the broken heart I never thought I would have at this stage in the game. Shit, for that matter I never even thought I would have at all. So, I guess the old saying of "its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" really applies to me. In my mind though, have I really lost? It’s a hard situation to explain, but out of it I gained a life long friend, I hope. It’s like wanting something that you know you can’t buy. Gang let me tell you that it’s hard. Hard on the mind, hard on the body and very hard on a person’s self-worth. But I guess being able to recognize the pain and deal with it and being able to deal with all of these issues is one step to getting where I need to be. And its trying to realize that God makes things hapen in our lives for a reason and we need to understand that, I need to understand that.
I just need to push myself a little more, smile a little more, and know that from every corner of this country is someone who loves the person I am. I have a buddy in Michigan that I graduated and another freind in Florida. Whenever I talk to them they make me smile and feel good about the person I am. I just recenty regained contact with a former close friend from high school who lives in New England that I love to death and has always made me feel so special. In the last year I have made and gotten close to a a gal in California who I met on line and have no contact with, other then emails and an occasional phone call. Diane is now a great friend and always has the ability to make me smile and realize that there is potential for so much good in this world. Heck, I just made a new friend in the past two months who makes me feel like a kid again and is someone I can color with. Yes I dig coloring, it’s a good way to relieve stress. Michelle is a great girl with a bright future, who loves to drive my Trailblazer, but without knowing she does it, she makes me stop and think about the potential in life and that there is so much out there I have yet to experience. When I look closer at my circle of close friends they too, all of them help me to realize the importance of being happy about who I am and about what life has to offer. And sometimes they don’t even know that they do that for me. It may be a voice mail wondering why I haven’t been in to work out at therapy, or it could be a call just to talk, even it its just for 10 minutes. They all make a difference to me.
I say this phrase to myself and try apply it to myself every time I walk into the 911 Center where I work. "The person I am makes a difference!" I always looked at it as the difference I make in the lives of others, now maybe I should look at it as the difference I can make in my own life. A very close friend taught me that your heart can will your mind. And no mater what kind of a day it is outside... There will always be sunshine in your heart.
So I think I am going to rededicate myself to me and use the quote from Abe Lincoln that I have at the bottom of this page, and put some life in my years!
((( Love & Hugs )))
~B
P.S. Look for a change in pictures coming soon, I have some new ones to add of me & some of my new friends like Jen & Michelle.
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** Update June 19, 2002 **
Well spring is almost over and summer is just about in bloom and I again am back to some exciting events in my life. Today is my last day of my two week vacation and boy it has been an eventful one at that. I started off by taking a trip to Cleveland with my new friend Michelle. We had such a great day. Train all around town, lunch in the flats, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, shopping at Tower City then dinner at the Hard Rock Café.
The very next day I left for my now annual trip to the NASCAR race at the Poconos. God what a great time. I got to see all the cool people that I met last year and they again took me in like I was family. I’ve also been getting in some rounds of golf too. I can’t believe how much my game has improved since I have dropped size.
I went to Six Flags last week and was able to ride a few coasters. This was my first time on a coaster in over 12 years. I still had some problems fitting on some rides because I still haven’t lost my entire tummy, but I didn’t let that get me down. Oh and I was sitting on the Mind Eraser right in front of Trent Reznor, he’s the lead singer for Nine Inch Nails, that was so cool. I don’t believe in bothering famous people while they are out enjoying life, so I just bid him hello and a fun day. This day was a very important day for me in my new life, and even though I didn’t get to enjoy it like I had planned, I kept my spirits about me and made the day fun.
I drove up to surprise my Aunt Liz and Uncle Gene last week. It had been years since I had been to their house and almost as many years since I last saw Uncle Gene. Boy were they surprised and excited, I’m not who was excited more, them or me. I was able to see them and my cousin Tutti and her hubby Kevin and the kids. I love their kids, Little Kane and his big sister Kara. We went and saw Kane play ball in town and then Tutti and I shared stories of my spending my summers at their house. Kara played the piano for me when we got back to the house, wow is she very good. She's such a cutie too, she'll be knockin the boys dead in Rimersburg real soon. I stayed the night at Aunt Liz's house and it was like my childhood all over again. Boy did it do my heart good to see them and to talk about everything I have been through. My Uncle Gene, is a retired doctor and Aunt Liz is still a practicing RN. So they had an extra interest in the stories of my surgery, recovery and life post surgery. What a great visit.
The last two weeks has been so awesome, but with the good still comes the bad. I am still dealing with small bouts of weight related depression. My looks, my future, my past and present all roll into one big giant downward spiral for me at times. I don’t always let on that I go through it, but I do. This time I’m glad that I had someone to lean on during this time, because I mostly go it alone anymore. I have many friends in my life, some are just people that I know whom I also call friends but not close friends. The past two and a half months I have made another very close friend. I have talked to her almost everyday of my two week vacation and spent at 7 or 8 of those days with her doing one thing or another. And when I say that we’ve gotten close, we’ve gotten close. I think we talk to each other more then we do any of our other friends. She is such a beautiful young lady too. On the outside she is the dream girl of every young man, on the inside she has a heart that has no ending capacity for love, compassion and understanding. She’s a blessing to anyone that meets her because she just beams with sunshine. I consider myself very fortunate and very blessed to have her as my friend. Just when you think God could not bless you any more then he already has in terms of the great people in your life, and all of the sudden you become blessed with yet another. I am so glad that I had her to turn to the other night when my world went bad for a little while. It’s always better when you can talk things through with someone you love and trust, Thank You Michelle! She and I recently started going to the gym together to work out, not that she needs it, but for me it’s great to have a partner to push me. That has been so much fun. She is going to make some guy a very lucky man someday! But for now she makes me lucky having her as a very close friend. (look for a picture of us at the R&R Hall of Fame on here very soon)
I’m off to Cleveland Friday for my 18-month check up. I know its not going to be as good as I wish it would be. I can’t get myself off of this plateau that I have been on since last August. I contribute a lot of it to my foot problem. But hopefully I will have that corrected very soon as I have the okay to schedule my foot surgery and remove that bastard heel spur. Maybe I can get back to normal after that and rededicate myself to me.
Take care kids! And thanks again Michelle!
(( Love & Hugs ))
~ B
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** Update 10/30/2002 **
So very sorry for taking so long to update. I have just had so much going on with my life since my last update. It's been a rough go of it since spring. As much as I tried to not let on, I was suffering from one of the biggest broken hearts since ... well never mind when lets just say this was just as hard. I'm doing well in moving on, but as everyone knows, its hard to reshape and peace your heart back together.
I ended up having my foot surgery at the start of July. I had the heel spur removed and also a Plantar Fasciotomy - where they cut the plantar fascia ligament in the bottom of my foot. One word for ya here "OUCH" I was off work and my feet for the better part of the month but was up and back in the gym working out 3 times a week and I was ready for Buffett 2002 in August. Man that was fun. Michelle and I went down on a bus and this year I can at least say I made it inside the concert as opposed to passing out and being left in the parking lot. She and I had so much fun ... and to quote Forrest Gump "That's all I have to say about that!" Michelle, wow what can I tell you all about this girl. She may be young in age, but her wisdom exceeds even that of my years. She has become one of my bestest friends ever. She is always there by my side when my smile turns to a frown. She has been a blessing from God in helping me keep my sanity, especially since the 'heartbreak' What a great friend. Thank you Hammie I love you sweetie and I know you still love me even though I was makin out with your friends at the concert... Damn I wish I could remember that. Oh wait I wasn't gunna talk about Buffett anymore (giggle giggle)
I turned 31 on 10/13. I have been in a downward spiral ever since the 1st of October. Actually ever since Michelle left for college in August. But this past month has been hell. So very down again and its about everything ... my weight, my looks, living life single, getting old, being 9 years away from 40. I haven't even been to the gym much lately and you all know that's just not me. I did get my ear pierced for my birthday... Thanks for going with me Meg!! Birthday week was hell as usual. Since I was 18 every year for my birthday I have nothing but depression and bad luck. I had so many things happen this year that just plain sucked and attribute it to the Beezer B