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So, I haven't had an adjustment since last time but I've been experiencing some new things. My restriction has been a lot more for the last week or so. I'm eating much less than I had been and usually needing to get sick to relieve the pain.

This is either not at all good (maybe swelling or slippage) or this is exactly what the band should be doing and it's just taken a while.

If it's what the band should be doing then I really need to make some changes. I'm used to regular quantities and I can't eat that much now. If I want to avoid getting sick at every meal, I have to eat a lot less and a lot slower. And green leafy things are not good at all. They just don't pass through well.

Anyway, that's my news for now. A jump start for the new year (wtihout doing a thing). We'll see how it goes.

Bye for now.

This is what happens. My typical pattern. I fought so hard with the doctor in September and lost those 17 pounds. Then I went away and allowed myself to eat anything I wanted and I have been struggling with the food and the weight since then.

It's totally to be expected. It's part of what I was trying to get across to my MD. When I restrict too much, or lose weight too quickly, I will rebel at some point. And so I did. It's so psychological, it's almost out of my control. I see it happening and know what's going on and can't do too much about it. It has to run it's course.

So, now I'm at a place where I feel ready to reengage with the weight loss process. I saw my doctor  3 weeks ago and that was really hard because I gained 10 pounds and had to face his rath. He lectured me, of course, and told me what I needed to do. He made a goal with me to lose 10-20 pounds by our next visit in January. At first I thought I could do it, now I'm not so sure.

It's really hard for someone like me who has this "good little girl - do as I'm told" persona, to go against the grain. Especially when I don't get the expected results.

But, I'm actually okay with all of this. I'm not beating myself up. I know what I need to do. I know that if I do those things, I will see results. And I'm sure I will do it. So, I keep on trucking.

And I'm plugging back in.....to OA meetings and to this website and to myself. I disconnected there for  a while because I needed a break. Now, I'm ready to move forward again. Maybe this time, though, at half mast instead of full throttle.

peace out

I'm on my first trip away since surgery. It's been fine. The lesser restriction has been fine, too. I have some discomfort still if I eat really bready things or if I eat without chewing well. But, it usually only comes back up if I take a sip of something while the discomfort is happening. And then it's just the liquid that comes back up. I usually just have to ride it out for 10 or 20 minutes. It's not too bad. And it keeps me in check.

Otherwise, while I've been away, I've been allowing myself to eat what everyone else is eating. No limitations. I'm very curious to see what the results will be when I get on the scale. I've been super active so I think it will be alright.

I traveled out here (from California to New York) with my dog on the plane with me for the first time. I was surprised and pleased by how smoothly that went. And he's loving being out here in the mountains, running in the fields and having the time of his life. I am too. A little R&R was absolutely necessary. Good for the soul.

Thanks to everybody for the comments and e-mails. It's wonderful to have such great support.

So, I met with my doctor today and presented his assistant and him with my charts and lists of symptoms and as much data as I could supply to help them hear me and what I feel I need.

The assistant got it. Really got it. Got the whole eating disorder side of it and how people can swing from binging to restricting in a heartbeat. How much obsession comes with that and how the whole thing is psychologically extremely unheatlhy.

The surgeon only halfway got it. He argued that my dizziness is not from lack of calories. He said my body has enough stored resources (ie fat) that it is not starving. And he could not really hear the psychological components at all. What he did hear is that I have specific needs. He sees that I am working hard and making very good progress. So he was willing to have me determine what the next course of action would be.

I asked them to take out 1cc. And they did.

Now, I'm asking the universe to help me let this go. The numbers, the restricitng, the obsession, the anger, the frustration, all of it. I want to shake it off and move on,

I reached my goal of losing 20 pounds this past month. I have lost 50 lbs since the surgery in June. I have lost almost 90 lbs total. I am certainly succeeding. That's all I need to know. I am practically halfway to goal weight and don't need to amp up anything.

Phew! Now, back to my life. =)

Well alright....major results after 5 solid days of less than 1000 cals/day. Most days I feel like I'm going to pass out - this still is not healthy. But, the results are there....8 pounds off in 5 days.

I'm on a mission to show the doctor with solid data what I need and how well I know my own body. It sucks that my mind and my body have to suffer for it in the meantime, but I'm determined (obviously).

Bear with me a little bit longer everyone. Once "I get my way", I'll let go of this obsession. This is very important to me.

Well, I had a few days last week when I allowed myself some extra calories (at a birthday party and out to dinner) and right away the scale showed 3 pounds more. Not cool.

So, on Monday (today is Wed), I really focused on 800 cals/day. For the most part I've stuck to it (sometimes I go up to 850 or something - big woop, right?) I notice a difference. I'm not weighing as often anymore, but I weighed today and the scale had dropped a bunch. Those 3 pounds and then some are off. Hope it stays that way. I don't know if I can do this much restricted eating for too, too long. I don't think it's healthy. But I will do it up until my MD appt next week. I'm still trying to prove my point.

I'm obsessed, I know. Pray for me, please! 

This is such a roller coaster ride. Today I was at my regular MD's for a check up. The good news is my blood pressure has gone down a lot this past year. Yay! My pulse was high though (I'm sure the stress of eating like a bird and watching every single morsel has something to do with that).

But the scale - the dreaded scale - was not what I thought it should be. It's so hard to be plugging away, eating very little, walking a ton, and see minimal results. Frustrating.

I try to keep in mind that I feel great. I look good and the numbers do move eventually. I am grateful that I am not weighing every day right now. To do so is just so deflating because the weight is coming off in ounces and it doesn't reflect on the scale.

I'm going to have blood work drawn soon to check my glucose and cholesterol. She didn't think I needed to check vitamin or hormone levels because physically all is working as it should.

I'm plugging away. And doing my best to stay motivated every day. I still want to stick it to the surgeon with a huge weight loss at the end of the month, but that's just me trying to prove a point. Maybe I need to let it go.

And there it goes......
- 5 pounds lost last week
-10 since my fill 12 days ago
-I've officially lost 80 lbs total (40 before the surgery, 40 since)

Okay then.

But still not happy with the surgeon. I'm drafting my "lecture" to him as I go through this. Don't you fret.

Well, once again I had to get on my knees to ask for help with the scale. Thankfully, it worked and I have not had to weigh in a couple of days.

At the same time, I have found a new rhythm with the food that keeps me between 900-1000 cal/day (which is what the doctor ordered). I think it's INSANE but I am going with it mostly to prove a point to him when I see him next. (The point being - I'm losing weight much too quickly and he needs to lighten up, open his mind to the individuality of me instead of force "feeding" me his standard protocol).

I feel the weight dripping off of me right now. It's enticing but it's not healthy. Today, I totally ran out of steam halfway through the day and could barely walk my dog to the park. Not good.

But, if 900-1000 cals/day he wants, that's what he'll get. Bastard.

(Who's bitter - I'm not bitter)  

I've been at about 1000 cal/day and have not dropped any weight in a whole week. What the f***?

Okay, wait. I did lose 6 lbs right away. And now I have hovered at that weight for about 5 days. I guess that's different.

Nonetheless, frustrating as hell. I'm really trying here.