blessedin08
If one more person asks me when my baby is due, I think I will scream! My baby was due three years ago, thank you. “You’re not really that big. You carry your weight well.” they say. “Why would you want to do something as drastic as a surgery?” or “God made you this way, just be happy with who you are!” I’ve heard ALL of it! I have been bullied and mocked since the age of five years old by people, and many times they didn't even realize they were doing it. I would wait until I was alone to cry. Nobody knew I was hurting. I carry those emotional scars daily, even as a 35 year old adult. My confidence and self-esteem have suffered my entire life because of it. I have been seeing my family physician for my obesity related health problems for a few years now. He has monitored my diet since then, but he doesn't seem to understand that I constantly lose 10 lbs. and then gain more than I even lost time after time. My first appointment with him ended with his suggestion of, "Let's try Jazzercise and a low-fat and low carb diet". Hmm, ok? No, really, have I not tried that countless times? My last appointment was, "Ok, let's try some medication now. It has some serious side effects and you shouldn’t take it for more than three months". If I am destined to be fat until I take my last breath on Earth, I think I will pass on the little pill that causes me to run to the bathroom numerous times a day. Let's just fix your pre-diabetes, hypertension, and chronic pain with a pill. No thank you. I now weigh the same as I did the day I was admitted to deliver my last child three years ago! 245 pounds! Yikes, I just admitted my weight to everyone! Did I REALLY just put my weight out there? If I really didn't feel guilty for what I want to eat now, I would weigh 300+ pounds! My relationship with food has been a struggle since I was a young child. The only normal weight in my life was at the age of four. My Mother had to take me to a doctor because I would not eat! Wow, that seemed to resolve quickly! By fourth grade, my teacher questioned my Mom as to why I was so large and that I should probably seek a doctor's advice. And, by the sixth grade, I blew out my knee, and had to have surgery just in time for summer vacation. What a great experience that was! On top of all of that, I started experiencing acne very early in life. That opened up a whole other avenue for bullying. I get to deal with those scars daily as well…literally, scars all over my face that I get to plaster with makeup before I go get the mail! If I had the money back that I’ve spent on cleansers and cosmetics since the seventh grade, I would be well taken care of for the rest of my life! Not only was I fat and pimply, I was the tallest in the class every year. I towered over the rest of my classmates. It’s such a joy to look at old class pictures! I hated being tall, but in reality, being tall has helped me disguise my fat over the years. So, I eventually learned to appreciate it. I hated Phys Ed class so much that I faked "sick" many days to get out of it. I was mortified on the days that we had to weigh in, and was fearful that other kids would see the scales. These are "typical" fat kid stories, but until you live this kind of torment, you have no idea what it feels like, and what lifelong insecurities it brings. I am a prisoner of food, always have been. It is no different than drugs or alcohol. Yeah, people think it is just a weak willpower. I love fruits, veggies, and salads and things that "fat people" should not like. I could eat my weight in brussels sprouts and asparagus! I am not a horrible eater anymore, but it is a comfort. It is a comfort from the mean outside world. The stigma with most of the world is that they think us fatties live in the McDonald's line every day. Ok, maybe every other week! I mean, can you find a .49 cent ice cream cone elsewhere? I don’t think so! I am quiet. But, I am not weak. My mind is strong. I am faithful and loving. But, I forget to love myself often. I believe I have a beautiful heart with an unmatched exterior. And, it is only because of my weight. I have so much yet to give! If only my body matched my vibrant heart and mind. What I wouldn't give to run in a marathon! Or, to even run down the street for that matter! I love my life and the most precious blessings I have been given. I have the most wonderful husband that makes me laugh everyday and two gorgeous little girls that I still can't believe my body created! To most, my life is perfect. I hear people in my mind say, "Oh, she would be so pretty if she wasn't so fat!” or "Wow, how did she get such an attractive husband?” I've often wondered how a man could love me because I can't see past my exterior, but I am pretty blessed to have one that saw my heart first. When people tell me I am beautiful, I just feel the laughs echoing from my childhood. I should rather be saying, "Thank you, I really appreciate that." People thought I was so shy when I was young, but it was me hiding from the world in fear of getting hurt. I've held onto moments when people I looked up to as a child would ridicule me. Most grandmothers would offer you milk and cookies and love holding you as a child. Mine would laugh and call me names. "C'mon, Fatso, why don't you put the Barbies down and go outside to play?" Later, I would sneak to the refrigerator when nobody was looking to eat the worst imaginable thing. Raw bacon. Yes, I ate raw bacon. Disgusting uncooked raw bacon. I can only imagine how unhealthy that is, especially for a 10 year old body! My doctor would cringe if I told him that! I don't even like to admit that to myself and I am telling all of you now. What kind of sick kid would eat that? Obviously a sad one, my nickname was "Giggle box" when I wasn't being called "Fatty, Fatso, Freaky Fat, or Scary Sherry". I hid behind my smile and laughter. That was my mask, and sometimes still is. Everyone believed I was a happy kid. I didn’t have a bad childhood by any means, but I just felt left out at an early age because my older sisters sucked the life out of my parents! Ha-ha, I am sure they will appreciate that statement! My parents have become a wonderful support system as I have gotten older. I could not have faced some of my trials without them and I am so grateful for what they do for me, and especially for the unconditional love that they give their grandchildren. It does hurt me now knowing that I have never let them in on the things that I faced as a child. They really did not know what I experienced. I held it in. Ironically, the only time in my life that I did lose 20 pounds was when I became a widow at the age of 27. Ten years with my high school sweetheart gone because of brain cancer. He was my first boyfriend at age 16 and I truly believe that if it weren't for him coming into my life that I would have taken a much worse turn. That trauma of losing him in my life was the only thing that took weight off of my body. I would rather not walk down that road again to lose weight! By the grace of God, and a relationship with Jesus Christ, I was given another chance at life and love. I am forever grateful for what He has given me! What this surgery would do for me is give me back my life. Not only do I want to resolve my health issues, I want to experience what it would be like to love looking into a mirror and a life that does not involve chronic pain. That means being active with my kids to being a better wife for my husband...and just being a better person all around. But, most importantly to love myself wholly! And, I will admit that it sure would be nice to shop outside of the "Plus" size department for the first time in my life! I have forgiven the people that have hurt me, but my mind will never forget. I want this weight loss tool for me. No, this is not the easy way out as many people believe, and yes, I know that this is not a cure. It is a lifestyle. This is so terrifying for me to put this out for the world to see. I question myself all of the time and try to please others before myself. Not this time. I am stepping out in faith, listening to my heart, and to the whispers of God. My prayers have leaded me to Wls-for Betterlife and I believe that you were put in front of me by God. I believe I am deserving of this change. I have so much life to live! I thank Jesus for loving me beyond my imperfections. I know that He thinks I am beautiful just the way I am! Thank you for listening to some of my story. I pray blessings, peace, and love for you all! May God bless you richly in your own journey! Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
