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Have started that blog that I talked about in earlier post(s)
check it
www.thewordsofasuccessfulloser.blogspot.com

yaya!

I guess I kind of jumped off the side of the earth there. Forgot all about this website.  I was actually thinking the otherday about starting a new blog to put into detail my weight loss journey that maybe people could read and feel motivated with me?  I don't know what do you think?
Would anyone even read it?  I have no one reading this blog I think, plus I don't think anyone reads my other blog, but that one is more for me anyways. Not that this one isn't. 

I've started this thing at the clinic called "Weightcare"  It's a system with a DR., A dietician and a personal trainer.  All three of these lovely ladies work together with me to help me lose weight. So far I've lost 11lbs.  Which is like woo great, accept that I'd gained about ten pounds since I last came on this website.  So Yay down one pound! haha.
But its good. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and do the exercise routines that they showed me.  And ya I'm excited!

TTFN
-Abby

I keep going to write something here, but I haven't had any progress so I don't really know what to write about in the whole weight loss category.
I am stable though.  No exercise not even from work this week because I was off work from a concussion that I got at work.  Hopefully start back at work soon and maybe get some exercise in tomorrow if my head isn't hurting.  It's hard to do a sit up when your head feels like it's going to explode. lol.
My mom is somewhere out in Alberta/Saskatchewan right now driving along the trans-canada hwy with my sister.  She's bringing her home lol.  My sister  that is.  She's going to live with me for a while until she gets a job.  She'll whip me into shape I'm sure.
Plus I may not be working nights much longer because I possibly got a fulltime evenings position at work so that's good.  Because then I'll be on a normal schedule and won't be so tired all the time (hopefully).
Anyways that's all I've got for now
-Bliss

So it's been a while since I blogged.  It's quite reflective of my weightloss efforts.  I haven't given it my all and working nights may kill me but working evenings is even worse.  I bought my lunch the otherday at work from the dinning room and man is it fattening!  Plus there's always cookies out and if I haven't brought many snacks it's really easy to just waltz up to the bistro and grab some cookies and juice. 
So I need a plan.  I'm not working as much anymore since summer wound down and everybody's getting back into working and not vacationing, so I have to devote the four days or so I have off a week to exercising.  I want to get the exercise ball.  I have a mat and the tensor bands I guess is what they're called.  I feel so awkward exercising in my parents home though because I feel like I'm in their space. I'm getting an apartment though, I move in on the 17th so hopefully that will help me start up the exercising again. 
I still walk home from the bus stop after work though. And I get a lot of movement at work. Lots of bending and stretching.  Tires me out actually. I'm usually exhausted by the time I get off the bus and wonder if I'll make it home lol.
I also need to start eating more veggies.  I keep eating carbs.  Bad me. lol.  I'll work on it, it'll just take time.

Working nights is tough.  The night after working I am so not tired from sleeping during the day that I can't sleep during the night.  I've literally been awake since eight last night, it's now 7:16AM and I'm sleepy but have no desire to sleep. 

Working nights also makes it hard to get any exercise in.  I work 2330-0730 and then usually stay up until 0900 wake up around 1700 or 1800.  This would be the perfect time to hit the weights and walk, but working nights makes you tired even when you've slept.  This equals no energy.  Which equals no exercise. So my only days that I can really exercise are my days off. Which is about one to three a week scattered here and there and like I said the day after work you sleep and then stay up all the next night which means you have to sleep the afternoon away so that you won't be tired for work the following night.

You can see the dilema I face when working nights right?  But I hate working during the mornings.  Just can't do it. So I wouldn't have it any other way.  I worked mornings when I was doing my placement for school and luckily that wasn't too hard because I was used to being up for school in the morning.  But some days I was like a walking zombie.  I just wasn't totally there for about an hour into work. I don't think the people that worked there liked that very much because I wasn't very helpful to them at that time. Oh well, they were the ones getting paid to do it, not me! lol.

I wrote that motivational board that I'd been talking about last night while I wasn't sleeping.  It says right at the top NO MORE JUNK! lol. It's hanging right beside my anti-anxiety motivational board.  I hope it works.  I could've used it Tuesday morning when I went shopping with my dad and was so tired from working that I bought junk food. I bought ice cream and cookies.  And then I ate them.  I guess sleep deprivation is a trigger for me when it comes to eating.

When I first started at my job, I was barely eating.  Now I eat on average three meals a day and three snacks.  It kind of goes like this with my day starting at 1700:
Cereal with skim milk and some fruit
Then at work: 4oz of chicken, 1/2 cup brown rice and reduced salt soy sauce. A piece of fruit, low fat jello, a fruit cup in water, and diet pepsi.
I drink about three 500ml bottles of water throughout the night too.
In the morning when I get home I have another bowl of cereal again with skim milk.

Obviously not enough food.  And I do snack a lot and mostly, lately at least on bad stuff. So my calories are still high.  The thing about calories is that I don't know how many I'm supposed to have to lose weight. I've been reading on the forums that it's like 2500 per day to maintain current weight. But I think that sounds a little high, doesn't it?  I'm going to check my health tracker and see how many I've been consuming on average. I though 1400 was good to lose weight but if you're supposed to be 1100 more than that then maybe I'm starving myself. So confusing.  Maybe I should post on the forum.

This is a letter I just finished writing to Tatem:

When did it all start? Hard to say really.  I had been the skinny kid then the pudgy kid and then the skinny kid and by high school I was the skinny kid who thought she was the pudgy kid which resulted in myself becoming anorexic and dropping lots of pounds.  Luckily that didn't last long but it did cause my metabolism to go out of whack.
Then in grade eleven (2002) I met a guy and he and I had a long six year relationship where we would eat out constantly and eat junk food together and he always had ice cream at his house! oh it was delicious!  About halfway through that relationship I went "hey, I look fat in this skin".  I had ballooned to 302lbs. My highest weight ever.

I started trying conventional methods of weight loss, slim fast, lean cuisine, nutritionists, gym membership, personal trainer. But it didn't work because I wasn't ready to lose.  I was still madly in love with chocolate!! Fast forward to 2008, I've lost about ten lbs and my boyfriend has broken up with me.  I'm now determined to lose weight.  I go to see my family doctor about seeing a surgeon for WLS and he sets up the consult.  My consultation went great and they say I'll be approved by the government in two shakes of a second. (In Canada the government pays). Great! I go to see the nutritionist and the social workers and I start thinking, maybe I should give it one more go. Maybe now that I'm ready to lose weight I should see if I can do it on my own.  So I cancel my appointments and inform my surgeon's office that I'm not ready.

I start walking everyday and cut out the junk food, I'm down another ten lbs.  I start to realize that this gusto won't last forever so I go for outside resources and join LA weight loss, which at the time I didn't know had collapsed in the states and filed for bankruptcy.  There Iose another 18 lbs and then they go bankrupt up here and I'm left alone.
I'm still doing okay though haven't really gained weight back.  I'm down from 302 to 263.  I told myself when I lost fifty pounds I could get my labret pierced.

I just finished a junior whopper meal. It was so good but so bad.  That's it! Tomorrow I'm looking through the phone book and calling every therapist in the city so that I can talk about why I eat the way I do.  It was so stoopid of me too.  I finished a three hour shift at work and I really was hungry and thought of something I could pick up on the way home.  I though mcd's. And told myself no.  Then I though subway, but I didn't have enough to get a small. So I went to burger king. Like that doesn't make any sense.  I can tell myself no once - then think of a healthy choice - then do a three-sixty and get something even worse. There's something in my brain that either doesn't get the connection or goes passed it so quickly that I don't even see it happen.  Like it doesn't register that I should do the exact opposite of what my stomach is telling me.

My mom just came in my room and suggested that I do the same thing that I did to get over my anxiety.  Which was put key words and ideas on a bristol board that I can easily see in my room.  My anxiety one says things like, 'live in the moment', 'one day at a time', and 'no longer a victim'. The last one is very important to me.  My anxiety started out as a real anxiety that there was something when I was little that scared me.  As I grew older it manifested into this huge thing and eventually just became habitual.  Hence me playing the role of the victim in my life.  So I can put things that will subliminally be plugged into my mind about my thoughts on food and losing weight. Things like:

1. Food is not the answer
2. Exercise can be fun
3. Think vegetables
4. NO MORE JUNK!
5. Take out is only convenient if you have time to do a three hour spinning class (lol)

I think it will work.  I have to find some time to do that tomorrow.  Tomorrow is going to be busy.  I have an interview for another job at two.  Then I have to go back to sleep because I'm working 11:30pm-7:30am.  Maybe I'll get up really early, get a walk in, a healthy breakfast and then work on that poster. 

I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday to discuss blood test results. I'm thinking maybe it's diabetes.  My mom thought that I may have low iron. I'm going to be healthier! I'm joining the community gym and getting a trainer there! That's it! I'm done being fat! Boo being fat.  You were a comfort to me once before but now you're just a pain in my big behind!!

Wish me luck!

I'm not sure how well I will do on my goal of losing ten pounds by the end of the summer.  I've eaten like a little piggy and have gotten minimal exercise.  Need to get a walk in or two and stop eating the crap!  The health tracker really helps me see just how bad I am eating. I did get in two walks in the passed three days so thats good.

Tomorrow morning my dad and I are going to the local farmers market to load up on veggies.  Went to the grocery store today and got chicken and other good stuff. 

Not much to talk about today got to work a whole crap load this weekend.  Friday midnights. Saturday Sunday for two three hour shifts which is le bullshit.  And Monday midnights.

okay nothing else to write...


 

I've been on this site since September of last year, so practically a whole year and I've never posted or really managed my profile.  Last September I went to see Dr. Hagan for a consult on Bariactric surgery.  He told me I was morbidly obese and that was a shock.  I didn't feel morbidly obese.  I felt that I was fat, maybe even borderline obese.  Could my self image be that askew?  In high school I was probably 150lbs but I felt that was too much.  I thought the extra meat on my arms was gross.  When I graduated I had hiked up to 200lbs and at that point didn't realize how big I'd actually gotten.  Before I knew it I was 300lbs!  I didn't feel larger than life, though I was.  Lately as the scale has been giving me lower numbers the image of myself is once again ballooning.  Why my mind has backwards mirrors of myself I don't know.  I'm down to 263lbs on my own having not gone ahead with the surgery as of yet.  And though I'm buying 18's and 16's instead of 22's, I feel hopeless.  It's like being in a funhouse.  I'm trying to find the mirror that gives me that slim body but all I see is stubby fat chick. 
I just celebrated my 24th birthday with a week of pigging out on the wrong foods.  Now I'm starving for vegetables but am so broke the only ones I have are bag salad and canned corn.  I want to learn how to eat properly and to schedule my meals around my days.  I want to learn how to make delicious nutritious meals without breaking the bank. 
Exercise.  If there were one word in the dictionary that made me cringe so badly I could feel my hair splitting, it would be exercise.  The mere thought of exercising is a terror to me.  Sweating.  Degrading. Torturous.  Yet millions of people enjoy exercise.  I've never enjoyed exercising - even as a kid.  I like to play on team sports but I didn't want to do the drills during practice.  I liked riding my bike as long as I got to the park in the end.  Now I don't do any team sports and I don't even own a bicycle.
I remember when I was a kid there was a nike commercial where the kids were running in a dessert like setting.  They said that they liked to run.  All I could think was "why? I hate running."  I never learned how to run properly.  I'm slow, get cramps, and usually am all over the place.  Now that I'm older, bigger, and have a large chest running is basically impossible.  Yet in the past year it has been my goal to run.  I want to learn how to run when I get more weight off.  I want to be able to say  "I like to run", just like that kid.
I tried running about a month ago around my street.  I hurt my back.  Too much pressure with the cement ground, improper shoes and extra weight.  But I still want to like to run.  Running is a good skill I think.  If you can run, you can run away.  If you can run, you can run towards.
I'm slowly running towards my goal of 151lbs.  Only 112 to go.  That seems impossible.  But smaller goals make it possible.  Like my one goal to lose ten lbs before the end of summer.  That's a small goal.  And if I achieve that goal, I'll only need to lose another 102lbs to reach my final goal.  Small steps.

You may be wondering, if you're actually reading this, why I haven't gone for the surgery.  Fear is one thing.  I fear surgery.  When I first went to my doctor about finding out about weight loss surgery I was pumped I thought, nothings going to work the way surgery will.  I thought it would be easy.  But as I sat with the doctors and social workers and they told me the risks, the fear crept up.
Also I was reluctant to let go of all the junk food.  And I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist it even after surgery.  I figured, if I can't resist it now, what's going to make me resist it postoperatively?  Nothing.  I think I'll wait until the junk food is no longer a problem.
Stigma.  There's nothing like the sting of people not appreciating the efforts of someone whose gone through with WLS and succeeded.  People don't think there's any work to it.  Heck I was one of them.  But now I know that there is a lot of work involved.  That it's not just a quick fix.  But people don't see it that way, especially people who've never been fat.  They think that people who are fat are "lazy", "slobbish" and "pigs", they see WLS as the lazy mans way and don't appreciate the weight loss that those who do choose WLS achieve.  They don't get it.

I'm ranting here.   I hope you don't mind.  I want to get back on the weight loss wagon starting tomorrow morning.  It's too late for today but theres always tomorrow.