bad, BAD Girl!

Sep 06, 2010

As posted on my personal blog:

After my 6 days of sticking to the liquids...it went downhill. I decided it would be okay to cheat one day. Then one day turned into 5 days! I have been eating regular meals...even went out to eat and haven't touched my protein in 5 days! Haven't exercised in 5 days!What in the HELL am I doing?! In two days I go for my pre-op testing and meetings. When they see my weight I'm sure they are going to kick me to the curb. Overall I've come away with a loss. However, I have gained about 6 lbs since my last weigh-in. I should have lost 10-15lbs by now on this liquid diet.

Now I'm questioning myself.

Am I meant to have this surgery if I can't even stick to the pre-op diet? Do I really deserve this now? I am totally kicking my ass over all of this and I'm in panic mode. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself - WHY?

I'm having a hard time parting with food, but I need to keep reminding myself that I will be able to eat again. I don't ever want to eat again like I have been, but it's not like I will be on liquids the rest of my life. The liquids just seem so restrictive...and I was missing my old pal. Why do I have to feel like this about food?

Hi, my name is ---------------- and I'm a food addict!

I wish I could run. That use to be my release before I gained 150 pounds! I feel like I need to run until the craziness goes away. That would feel so good right now. But, instead I turn to food. Perhaps that is why I started eating during my liquids diet? Once again I use food as a coping tool. As my therapist has pointed out in the past...I go on "auto pilot" so I don't have to think about how I'm feeling or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I should have been seeing here during these two weeks.

Gosh, I'm just rambling and babbling.

I feel really alone right now. I read about people on OH or talk to people from my bariatric program that are doing so great in preparing for surgery. They've all lost weight. They are all focused. They are all doing what they are supposed to.

I think I'm going to go exercise and release some of this. Maybe it will help feel a little better. BLAH!

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