Frame of Mind

Sep 28, 2009

Why am I so weak? I know that I can't change other people but I can change the way that I react. I keep hearing in the back of my head that God never puts on us more than we can bear. And that He will put obstacles in our path to make us turn back to Him. My question is, how much more must I endure? I've given in to not being able to work off 1,000 calories consistently, having a child with behavior challenges, understanding that I don't know it all, and that I'm domestically challenged.

I went through the lap band procedure so I could be here for my son. I know that it is very hard to deal with him and there are times when I just can't bear any more. But I try to get the rest and help when needed, never does it feel as if it's enough or long enough. I know I can't give up on my son. I've spent the better part of 6 years taking him to counseling, putting him on medication, and praying (not all the time, just when the low seems to be getting lower). I would rather the demons that he is fighting were in me so he could live. I know the simple joys of being a kid. My son has missed out on so much already in his life. I know each time while we are giving the new process a chance to work, there will be highs and lows. Last night, as a mother, I hit a new low. I was so angry that my son didn't want to go to bed and that he started to play his "how many issues can I have before I go to bed" game I ate three plates of food (took awhile to get them down but made it), two handfuls of oreos and a handful of mini candy bars while crying.

I really thought that I could make it through this round of wait and see stronger, look at all the positives that I do have going on. I'm back with my son's father, I workout to relieve some stress, eating better, planned a family vacation, and changed my bed time to get more rest. I stopped taking my antidepressants because I wanted to believe that I could do it.

This is my final resolve, become more obedient to God and follow his will, get myself into counseling, don't be afraid to cry no matter where I am, avoid the pantry at all costs, burn 500-750 calories a day without beating myself up if I am not able to do it, work closer with my ex to keep finding better solutions for our son, and speak up when I need a break. I want to believe that everything is going to be ok, I just can't give up on that. Not today.

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