Never in my life...

Nov 06, 2009

... would I have believed anyone who said that jogging is fun.
... would I believe that you can reach the top of the stairs and be able to hold a conversation.
... would I have listened to anyone who thought that a half a sandwich could fill them up.

... WOULD I EVER HAVE BELIEVED ANYONE WHO SAID I COULD BE A MODEL.

Yet, here I am, a week away from not 1 but 2 fashion shows in one evening. Invited to both, not out searching for either. I am completely floored. It's all I can think about and it's still a shocker. I can't wrap my head around this at all. I've lost 110 lbs so far. I have a personal goal to lose 50 more. It doesn't seem so far away.

This weight loss has become an obsession. I dwell on counting calories, exercise, and tallying my lost weight. This surgery has totally consumed every thought in my head that isn't preoccupied with caring for my daughter. They say men think about sex every 10 seconds or less. I think about my meals and calculating calories and analyzing excercise every 10 seconds or less. I obsess about my excess skin and how ugly it looks. How the hanging skin is more disgusting looking when it's emptied than when it was filled with fat.

Don't get me wrong. I love the change. I love myself. I walk with my head up and I smile at the world that despised me for my size. I just find myself criticing things I never thought of before. I worried less about these things when I was fat. I didn't care then. Now I can't stop thinking about it. 

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