Hitting bottom... again....

Sep 22, 2012

Sept 23, 2012

I'm 45 years old and tired of dealing with my weight.  A decade ago I had a lapband put in.  It was fantastic!  I was never hungry and didn't think about food.  I lost 130 pounds in about 9 months.  Immediately under went reconstruction surgery to get my body back to my normal small self.  Life was wonderful until the doctor told me the band needed to be removed because it was causing malnutrition.  That band came out, six months went by and then the doctor agreed to install a new one.  In the meantime I gained about 30 pounds which in hind sight was still okay.  One thing I will say about weight loss surgery.  You have to make the transformation in your mind as well as your body.  It takes a while for your mind to recognize that you've lost the weight.  Or at least it did for me.  I got stuck on a number on the scale not the reflection in the mirror.  At the six month point the doctor installed a new band.  That band never offered restriction in the sense of a full feeling.  However, I had a very difficult time eating meat.  I hoffered at the 180-185 mark which was on the high normal side for my body.  My preference 160.  In the spring of 2007 I was in the middle of a divorce and got in a horse backriding accident.  Had to have an emergency c-section, had my colon and bladder both sewn back in and put into a sling.  The band had to be removed as it again was causing extreme malnutrition.  About six months later again.... I got a new band put in.  This time in the US.  Same results... no full button like the first time... just straight to vomit.  So, I sit here almost a decade later and I'm still fighting my weight.  

My highest weight in 2002 just after the death of my mom and a huge construction law suit, 286.  After lap band #1, 156.  After lap band #2, 185, after hysterctomy 235.  Recently I've felt my body completely out of control.  So, I started looking for options.  I'm under an extreme amount of stress in my life and just need this one thing to be in check.  

I want to live a healthy lifestyle.  I want to be HWP, healthy and not have to worry about this one issue that has been haunting me for 20 years.  It's time to not think about this.. not obsess about it and to just simply live life.  I need a safety net to help me.  I have the tools, the knowledge but no will power.  The stress is too intense.  I feel like I'm a failure at this one thing in my life and it's impacting every decission I make. I look at the family photos and there are no photos of me because I don't like having my photograph taken.  The period in my life when I was thin  there are lots of photos of me at that time.

I have three grandkids... I want to be able to keep up with them.  They are a strong motivation for me.  Currently, I have what I believe are bone spurs in both my heels and one growing out the side of my foot.  It brings constant pain.  Especially first thing in the morning.  It's currently to the point that I don't want to exercise because it hurts too bad.

My goal...  I want to live a healthy life not obessing over my weight.  I want to break the pattern of food addicition.  A couple of days ago I weight 235 - today I weight 229.  My surgery date is October 10.  I am supposed to start a liquid diet in three days.  I find the liquid pre-op diet commical.  They want their patients to lose weight prior to surgery and a liquid diet????  If I had the will power to diet I could do this without the aid of bariatric surgery.  I have started eating less and drinking more protein shakes over the past two days.  I have found it easier to diet at this time because I know help is on the way.

This surgery is private for me.  The only people I'm telling is my oldest daughter and one of my closest friends who is going down with me and hopefully having the same surgery.

I am anxiously awaiting to see where this journey takes me.  My end goal: I would love to get back down to 160.  I look forward to the day when I can walk into my closet and grab anything hanging in there.  I want one size of clothing in the closet not 4 sizes.  Currently in my closet I have clothing that will fit when I'm 160 and all the way up to 235.  I'm ready for the challenge.... it's time to conquer this issue once and for all!   

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