Deana P.

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Today I am seeing the point in keeping a blog. I feel like what I have to say is something I could never speak. I have things inside of me that just wouldn't come out, and that would certainly make others very uncomfortable if I said them. I want so badly to tell my husband that I am so sorry that I got this fat. We only got married last July. When we first met I had the Lap Band. I was holding my weight down, and I was pretty proud of myself. It was still work. I went on Weight Watchers a few months before my 20 year high school reunion, and the captain of the basketball team said that I was the girl who came back looking the best compared to high school. I was really proud of that. Last January I had to have the band out because my acid reflux had gotten so bad. I kept it at bay again for about 3 months. I picked my wedding dress in March, and by June I was scared to death I wouldn't fit into it. It was horrifying. My then fiancé asked me if we were planning on loosing any weight before the wedding. He is over weight too, and his main problem with getting married 7 months after the engagement was that he wanted to be thin for the wedding. I didn't care. I just wanted to marry him and start our lives together.

His first wife is really skinny. Boy did I not realize how much that would effect me. When I was what I call "normal" size, I wasn't too concerned. Now that I am back up to re-surgery weight, I dread going to soccer games. Honestly, I dread going anywhere. If I could, I would stay home all the time. I was working out in the yard the other day and saw my neighbors outside and went over to talk. All I could think about was how big and fat I was compared to them. I have had to go shopping, because of course I got rid of my fat clothes. 

When I see anyone I don't see every day I get, I don't even know how to describe the feeling. Sick, nervous, regretful, in the mood to explain why I got fat again. I just can't describe it. My husband said "It's not who you are". I don't feel like that is true. I feel like my weight defines me. Always have. I remember a Jeanene Garafallo skit that really rang true. She said "I am overweight and therefore do not deserve real love". I know it was satire, but I feel like that. I feel like it is true.

I have let down everyone in my life, especially myself. Being fat means that my family cannot be proud of me. My father only likes thin women. He always makes a comment when a women has gained weight. My mother just read Al Roker's book, and has finally stopped giving me well meaning advice about how she keeps her weight down. My brother, the muscle head asks me why I don't just go to the gym instead of having surgery. 

I feel guilty all the time. Don't know why. I feel guilty for eating, for being overweight, for letting myself get this bad, for not being who everyone would like me to be, for not being the wife my husband deserves. 

I have been overweight since I was 8 years old. I think I may have been the first fat person in my family to be honest. Don't get me wrong, many of my cousins have quickly caught up with me, and surpassed me, but they were all skinny as kids. I was the one who got picked on for being fat. I will never forget my cousin's birthday party when my skinniest aunt was giving out cake, and gave me a tiny tiny sliver and laughed at me. She was an adult, but now as an adult, I understand. She is a person who has a bad life and in that case wanted to make herself feel good. She was always thin, a twig really. Now she is unemployed, on welfare, and has to roll her own cigarettes. Now I see, but it didn't help me with my weight problem to ridicule me publicly. My grandmother used to call me a stick in the mud because I preferred to be inside with the adults. I probably never told her I liked to stay inside with the adults because they were less mean to me than the kids in her neighborhood. I was always the slowest kid, so I was picked on for that. I was afraid to do certain things because I knew my body simply would not fit into whatever contortion was necessary. I was bad at climbing. I couldn't swing into bodies of water. I couldn't play on the jungle gym properly. It was a nightmare to be outside when everyone else could do these things, and every time I would try and fail. It got worse when I got a little older. The boys in her neighborhood were, shall we say, too old for their ages. They started talking about sex of every kind by 5th or 6th grade. Of course, they always pointed out, whether blatantly or not that they would never do that with a fat person. I always got that vibe from my father as well. He was a horrible husband to my mother in most respects. We would go to restaurants and he would flirt with the cute skinny waitresses, and make fun of the fat ones. I don't exactly remember when it occurred to me that he was talking about fat girls like me when he joked around with such glee. My brothers were the same. I have known for a long time that I wasn't good enough for my family. We weren't huggers, and we never told each other we loved each other. I remember when I was in middle school we had a fast talking insurance agent come to our house. My mother would always complain that he was so full of it, and always trying to butter her up. One day she told me that he said that she had the body of an 18 year old. I said something like- he really lays it on thick, doesn't he? I was under the assumption that, as always, she was unimpressed with his flattery. Not in this case. In this case, she was furious at me. She made it clear that she did have the body of an 18 year old, and then she said something that still hurts to think about. She said, at least I don't have a body like you. My own mother. I understand she was angry. I understand that I had hurt her feelings by not agreeing with this slick insurance salesman that my mother looked 18. Still. There are things that you never get over.

I am not fat because I am stupid. I understand the concept of calories in and calories out. I get that if I eat more calories than I burn I will gain weight. I own low-fat cookbooks, low-carb cookbooks, weight watchers cookbooks, atkin's cookbooks, and any other cookbook you can imagine that is suppose to help you loose weight. I own about 25 fitness videos, a gym membership currently and off and on for 20 years, a set of weights, and plenty of fitness gear. I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds over my lifetime. I can't do this any more. I finally felt pretty good when I had the Lab Band. Finally I was able to control my eating. I can't wait to get my gastric sleeve surgery. 

I have my surgery date. As long as my insurance goes through I will be getting my Lap Band on August 18th.