DDFERRELL1
Look out for that tree! (Cutter that is!)
Jul 04, 2007
Pre-post log
Jul 04, 2007
Just Some Bits and Pieces of My Mind.
By: David D. Ferrell
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." ~ Exodus 14:14
"It's easy to be strong I've done it for so long But this time I have to remember… This time to get what I want I have to surrender" I have always felt chills running down my spine whenever I have heard this song. I understand, all too well, the idea of standing to fight, but surrender just doesn't come naturally to me. I guess the contradiction to this statement has to be that I have never fought so hard for anything in my entire life. Here I stand on the verge of seeing the dreams that I have waited so long and fought so hard for coming true and I sit, with fear and trembling, in awe of the details of it all. For this time... this time I can't fight this fight alone. In order to achieve this goal I need the wisdom, strength, and courage to simply stand still.
I am a 35-year-old male. I have been Morbidly Obese for the past fifteen plus years. For years this wasn't an issue. It seems that you never know that something is impossible until someone tells you it is. As for me, I did anything and everything that was tossed in front of me. As a youth worker I tackled any assignment, from the week-to-week devotionals to summer camp. Nothing ever slowed me down. All the while I have been told there were those who were looking on irritated because at my size I didn't have enough sense to realize that I couldn't keep up the level of activity that I did. Sometimes I worked between 80 to 120 hours a week without blinking. Then came the time, about two and a half years ago, that health concerns caused me to resign my position within the ministry.
A little over a year and a half of almost constant health problems followed. During this time my doctors had diagnosed and began treatment for Sleep Apnea, GERD, Asthma, Diabetes, Obesity Hyperventilation Syndrome and a plethora of other Co-Morbidities. These stood out, among other limiting – factors such as my mobility, which was greatly curtailed. There were days when Arthritis was raging so badly in my knees that, since I just couldn't stand to move, I could forget going to do anything. Driving was a challenge... IF I could even fit into the drivers seat. Then came the day in April of 2004 when I was rushed to the hospital. I was dizzy, felt like I was running a temperature, and felt nauseous. It turned out that I had a blood sugar reading of 465. 465! It is amazing to me that some numbers, stick in your brain and refuse to get out. This one walked through my mind, like some numeric spectral vision, completely haunting my every thought at times. It still looms in the recesses on my mind and pops up on occasion. Interestingly enough, here I sit post-op and, I just did the familiar pinprick, to test my blood glucose, and marveled as I read 87. This after three days of sticking to the diet. But now back to the story. The following day I sat, scared to death, waiting for the nurse to come back into the room so that I could be shown how to inject myself with insulin. Suddenly it happened! A thought, which had been floating around in my brain for years but had become especially prominent since the previous night, gave birth to a decision.
Something strange seemed to occur when I asked my Primary Care Physician about weight loss surgeries. He looked me in the eye with a puzzled expression on his face and said, "I was just about to go and get all of the information to present to you." It is my best guess that he had been awaiting a battle. Looking back now, on that day, I knew absolutely nothing about any of the surgeries. I just knew that my body was in a seesaw battle for health and that I needed to do something to counter balance the scales in my favor!
I have never tried anything seriously in my entire life that I couldn't master and, ultimately, excel at. I have been able to achieve many, many things that others would have held out as being “impossible” for me to accomplish. I have watched more than one jaw to drop as I continued to defy their self-proclaimed barriers. I have been able to accomplish anything I have seriously set my mind to, with the exception being weight loss, with just a little hard work. Believe me, in that war, I have lost many, many a battle. It seems that weight was the one stronghold that that the enemy held, just over my head, out of reach. No matter what I have tried in weight loss, including all manner of diet, exercise programs, and pharmaceutical product, I just have never been successful. Now with the help of God, and the skill of my surgeon, I can finally foresee holding within my grasp the tools necessary to finally master this stronghold.
3/3/2005 Two days ago I received, in the mail, an early birthday gift for my Dad for his 65th birthday. Buried within the bills and other junk mail there was a small, unassuming, envelope. Contained within that plain package was word from Indiana Medicaid regarding the surgery. The Gastric-Bypass has been APPROVED!!! I praise God for the smooth road. I look back at the three and a half years that have passed since this procedure was first presented to me and I am amazed at how my attitude, toward this procedure, has changed. Back in 2001 when this procedure, which was just starting to come into the media spotlight, seemed like a very dangerous shortcut. It is amazing to me just how much my thoughts and attitudes have changed in such a relatively short period of time. Back then I didn't pay much attention to my health until I had suffered a major break down. I would go about my day-to-day activities, sometimes for weeks at a time, feeling run down and weak. I was afraid, I think, of hearing what I didn’t want to hear. Every time a doctor, or health official, told me that I needed to lose weight I would just stop listening. You see I just felt like a complete failure in that capacity. It was excruciating to have to sit there and hear, yet again, that I had to face the mountain that I had set up weight loss to be. Facing that mountain without any idea of how to climb it, or any gear to climb it with. But those days are LONG gone now Thank God! Now I have grown to address any, and every, health issue before it becomes an issue. I am much healthier now, having made some progress up that mountain. Fortunately I have enough sense to know that I am going to need assistance in proceeding with this climb. There is no shame in accepting assistance. After all, even the climbers of Everest, the best mountain climbers in the world, don’t do it without the assistance of oxygen. A natural offshoot of the employment of preventive measures in my health care was to lose weight. This brought me to my decision last April to pursue this track. Now, after a little under a year’s worth of fighting and almost constant work, I am approved! I should have my date for surgery very, very soon. WOW!!! This really humbles me. Life is good and it is getting better. Thanks for your encouraging words and God Bless... Dave
3/9/2005 All hail the miracles God works in our lives!! I have a Date!!! My Dad points out that I could never get a date!! Now, in some senses, that is absolute truth. But then again I'm quite certain we're talking about different kinds of dates. Anyway for those who might be interested enough to read this profile: My surgery date is April 25, 2005 at 11:30. Doctor Don J. Selzer of Wishard Hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana will perform it. Sigh... miracles do happen.
3/10/2005 Wow!! I am STILL in awe of all of this! I have been told that the impossible happened with my approval after the first letter, with no questions asked, from Medicare and Medicaid. The book that we sent them may have had something to do with it. In addition to the referral letters from all of my physicians, I gathered, within the covers of that 2 1/2" three ring binder, eight years of medical records, and a myriad of other facts and figures. I gave them a complete workup of my weight history spanning that time. That history included weight, doctor’s comments and recommendations, diets and pharmaceutical products tried, and the results of those efforts. In addition, in a separate column on the same spreadsheet, I included a progression of my Body Mass Index. I gleaned these facts from a few hundred pages of medical records. The case was presented in a very detailed, logical, order. One fact that I know is that, in the end, the only thing that really made any difference is the intercession, on my behalf, of God. If you believe that you can reach it- -He will achieve it in your life. This is an amazing thought pattern... In your life... If only we were worthier... but that's the definition of grace. That He would work in our lives in spite of the fact that we are unworthy of His intercession. My mother always taught me that you only go through life once... So then you should leave tracks!! Leave behind a part of yourself so that others will know you have been there. For those who would follow me down this road... It can happen in your life if you will only believe!! I hope that these tracks and mile-marker posts that I have left behind make your journey easier to navigate. For those who have gone before me, THANK YOU for the tracks that you’ve left behind. It makes this time of fear and trembling easier. Just knowing that you've gone on this path ahead of me helped to make the way clearer because of the tracks you’ve left behind.
3/11/2005 I received a call today from Jill, the nurse at the Bariatric clinic. She said we could move forward - full steam ahead! She faxed the Preoperative test orders to my Primary Care Physician, Doctor Ong’s office and Lisa, one of the nurses without whom Dr. Ong would be lost, will make certain that all of them are scheduled to be completed. I will know, as soon as we meet next Friday, what the schedule for these tests is. I was thinking earlier today and I really wish that I could find the code for a good countdown clock to place on here because I am so ready for this!! I am almost as ready for this as I am for the July 16 release date of Harry Potter installment 6: Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince. Hmmm... Did I forget to mention that I am a nut for that series...? I have always enjoyed the adventuring/action/mystery genre of "children's" books. The Harry Potter series is no exception. But in this I digress. Here and now I travel down this path, slowly and prayerfully praising as I go! I'll get there soon enough with the help of God's guiding hand. No matter how impatient I am.
3/26/2005 It’s late and yet here I sit waiting, for 2:30 to roll around, so that I can go help my dad pass a paper route. At times, such as these, I wonder at the rate at which this month has crawled by. I am 30 days away from the surgery. I haven't quite gotten to the point where I am counting hours, minutes, and seconds YET! I look forward to the surgery, certainly, but there is certain serenity to those thoughts. I am anxious, however, about the after surgery time. I know this is going to be a long haul and slowly I will better reflect the preacher and teacher I am capable of being. I look forward, for instance, to mounting a pulpit for the first time in several years. I have addressed classes and even groups up at camp... but even that experience was over two years ago. It is in regard to these thoughts that doubt threatens to overwhelm me. Questions come, rapid fire, from the deepest recesses of my mind. Will I be good enough to return? Have I lost my touch?? Just how rusty is rusty??? All of these questions fill my head with doubts. Not necessarily about the physical result of this decision, but the mental and emotional ones. WHO WILL I BE when this is all over and done with? I know I am expected to change some mentally, as well as dramatically physically. At times this threatens my self-image. Quite honestly, since I was in the fifth grade and doing "belly shots" for the class at the prompting of my teachers, I have always been the "Big 'un" the large guy, the fat guy. I know that will change, with the surgery and subsequent weight loss, but will I also change in the process?
4/4/2005 The surgery date is 21 days away I received word today that the surgery has been moved up from 11:30 to 8 am. Preoperative testing started today. I took the Pulmonary Function Test today. This was kind of a surreal experience. I mean they had me in a room, full of equipment, hooked up to a machine. This machine had all kinds of bells and whistles, computer screens, and keyboards. It was making all manner of strange sounds. It is at this point where the Respiratory Therapist looked at me, with a very serious look on her face and said, of all things, ”BREATHE NORMALLY”. SHEESH! I had about as chance of breathing normally, at that time, as I did of getting on the moon without a rocket ship. Finally, with some determination on my part, and some serious cheerleading on her part, I got through it. I should know the results in a few days at which point my Pulminologist, Dr. Mares, will write a letter clearing me for surgery from a breathing standpoint. The cardio-stress test comes early Thursday. Afterwards I will finish the rest of the chest x-rays and blood tests. I am still excited but somewhat apprehensive now.
4/6/2005 I received a call today from the Treadmill room from Saint John’s. I have run into a slight roadblock, It seems that I am too large for the treadmill and the nuclear table in the heart lab. Therefore the only non-invasive heart test, which I could go through, was something called an Echocardiogram. What to do? I called Jill at IU and she checked with the Internists there. The answer was simple: If that is the only test that could be performed then we will take what we can get. With this decided I called Dr. Ong’s office and the test is scheduled for the twelfth.
4/12/2005 Here we are, 13 days away, and the Preop testing is now completed. It was fascinating lying there, during the Echocardiogram, and watching my heart beat. The cardiologist, who conducted the test, took the time to show me the different chambers and valves. She also explained to me what each part was doing. It was good to see for myself that I have a heart. It was equally good to know that my heart is "normal", as beating in a normal sinus tack rhythm. This has been a very good day. I am feeling better about everything of this now that I know all of my bodily systems are functioning properly and ready to go forward.
4/13/2005 I have 12 more days to go. I went to the post office today and weighed myself on the loading dock scales. This is an excellent place to weigh at my size. Much better than the local truck stop where I waited, in front of a gravel truck, to use the DOT certified scales. That was an extremely humiliating experience. It is funny the things that I have put myself through in the endeavor of weight loss. When I weighed in today I found out that I've taken another 12.6 pounds off. This is from the weight in Dr. Seltzer's office on the 10th of January. I celebrated tonight by having some turkey spaghetti and salad with my Dad. I’m moving down this road in the right direction it seems. One side note: I was amazed the other day when I was able to walk in to complete the Preoperative testing without being completely winded. God is wonderful and I see his handiwork in all of this.
4/14/2005 I have 11 days left to go before surgery. My Dad and I went to lunch at a local Mexican restaurant today. Now this was a challenge! I love Mexican food, and this particular place is wonderful. I usually don't do well at this restaurant all. Today, however, was the exception. I can already see the difference in my eating habits as I am filling up faster. In addition my Dad has had some difficulties and may have a blockage in his heart. As a result he is now on the same diabetic diet that I am. Despite dietary restrictions we were still able to get a taste of everything we wanted, this and we were still able to do extremely well on our diets. There were three to-go boxes left after we finished eating. With that food we will be able to dine another two or three times. My energy level is up and my blood sugar levels and weight have gone down. This seems very strange to me but I must be doing something right.
4/22/2005 Well, here we go, the surgery is 3 days after today. I have been through all of the pre-operative testing, all the records are in hand, and I have basically jumped through all of the hoops. I have spent the last week serving at the church in one capacity or another. It is really great to be back in the thick of it. Monday is looming on the horizon. Sunday afternoon I will meet with our Shepherds for a time of prayer. Then I will drive my Dad and myself to Indianapolis and check in to the University Place Hotel, two blocks away from the hospital. That afternoon have to take the Citrus of Magnesia laxative, shower, and relax that night. Monday morning I will check in at admissions at 6:00 Monday morning. DIDN'T ANYONE TELL THE SURGEON I DON'T EVEN DO EIGHT O'CLOCK CLASSES WELL?? Then again, all I have to do is show up on time, and take a nap. He does all the hard work and maybe he performs well at those forsaken hours. After that, as soon as all of that is over, the journey begins. I will update this journal as I can get to the computer. God lead on.
4/24/2005 I am scared senseless! I am calm as I can be! Strange, I know. It doesn’t seem possible to the average mind to experience both of these sensations at one time. For me, however, this is not a contradiction in terms. You see God has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I'll journal by hand the next few days and see all of you on the other side of this.
4/29/2005 Home! What a beautiful word. I am Soooo home. My puppy is ecstatic and it is wonderful to be here. It seems that I came through all of this with relative ease. I’m not certain what I did to cause the road to be smoother although I was told, more than once, that I was a “man on a mission” What I can tell you is that my surgeon is a mighty instrument in the hands of God. Anyway all went well and Monday was the beginning of a new journey for me. I weighed in Monday morning before surgery at 504.7. I just love it when a plan comes together! I woke up in the surgery suite afterwards and I can't ever remember ever being in SO much pain. But I knew God was there. I distinctly remember coming back from the other side of that tunnel and knowing that the adventure that God had placed me on had now began. I would have cried, but I was too busy praying for the Morphine!! The doctor saw to it that I WAS NOT in too much pain for long, however, and for that much I am thankful. The next morning they took me for the swallow test. I have never been so ready for a test in my entire life. This was a strange experience as this was the first time I had been allowed to stand up. I walked on shaky legs into the radiology suite and then climbed on two foot stools. This was so the equipment could come down enough to get a good image of my stomach. The technician took the first set of x-rays and then he gave me some really nasty tasting contrast dye and had me drink it. More x-rays were taken and then I sat down on a chair and waited for four minutes to pass. Following this waiting period I again climbed onto the stools and had one last set of x-rays taken. Later I learned that I had passed the test with flying colors. I spent the rest of that day working on the breathing exercises and sitting up on the edge of my bed. As soon as I was able, I chewed on Ice chips like they were the best tasting food I'd ever eaten. Late that afternoon, to my great relief, Dr. Selzer came in and removed my catheter. I was then able to go to the bathroom on my own. Wednesday morning the morphine pump was disconnected and I began taking oral pain relievers. Later that afternoon, after I had met the Physical and Occupational therapists, I took a walk around the department. Wednesday night was a challenge. I was transferred to a regular ward at 11:30 that night and by the time the nurses were through checking me in, taking vitals, and re-starting my IV it was 3am. I slept until 6 am Thursday morning when the respiratory therapist came in for my morning treatment. The internist assigned to my case followed him, and then the intern doctors came in. A short time later breakfast was served. Yogurt was my best friend during those first two days of the full liquid diet. Thursday afternoon I found out that I would have to stay until Friday morning. I was a little disappointed but, at the same time, I appreciated Dr. Selzer being just a little protective. Thursday night was the first really good night’s sleep I got while in the hospital. Friday morning dawned, bright and beautiful, and I watched the sunrise while the parade once again passed through my room. About noon I was released from the hospital. I was tired but more than ready to go home. Recovering from this surgery isn't simple, but I am well on my way thanks to God's guiding hand and a little support from family and friends on this side of the surgery. Thanks for all of your prayers and help.
4/30/2005 Wow!! The little things are amazing... My sister DeRonda actually told me that I had a smaller Butt... Now if it seems strange to you that I would pick up on that comment... (Perhaps it would seem strange to you. It is very normal to me however as my sisters, who are amazingly wise women, are at times smart alecks. Now I have not intentionally put down women in this statement. It is just a fact that all three of my older sisters take after my momma. Believe me that is a TOUGH act to follow.) My sisters have always loved me and, as an offshoot of that love for me, have refrained from mentioning the weight thing in my presence. Now granted, I would probably have taken it completely wrong and gone ballistic. Anyway, after that rant, I want to address a simple fact of this process. THE FEAR IS OVERWHELMING! I can't fully place this fear into words. This is mainly because the words just don't fit quite right. My dad has asked me if it was fear I was confronting or just apprehension? NO this was outright, overwhelming, choking, dark fear. I was afraid of not being able to handle the process, either physically or mentally. I was afraid of failing in the diet adherence afterward. Whatever the case turns out to be I don't handle failure well. I had a fear of not being able to ever tell my family and friends just exactly how much I love them all, because at that point in time I had run out of time. I experienced fear, on so many levels, of so many things. Mostly, though, I guess I was ultimately afraid of death. As a Christian I have been taught to be prepared, and thus to embrace, even welcome death as the natural progression of life. At that moment, however, when I was faced with the all too real possibility of death, yes I was afraid. This procedure for me was a life saving one. The total dichotomy of it all is that there is a very real chance that the cure, while it is still a cure, can kill you. Kill you as fast or faster than the problem it cures if something should go wrong. At this point in the process, when all else was said and done, ultimately I was in the hands of someone else for ever so brief a time. And while it is true that I fully trusted and believed in that person’s abilities, and the procedure’s safety, leaving myself in those hands was a scary premise. The fear is not a pretty thing to think about, but this is real life boys and girls and ultimately when it comes down to it, EITHER THE FEAR OWNS AND MASTERS YOU OR YOU OWN AND MASTER IT.
Muhammad Ali is one of my heroes, not so much for his ability in the boxing ring but, for his resolute faith displayed in his dealings outside of the ring. Ali once stated: "Fear Is nothing!" Now with all deference to the champ’s statement and understanding the premise behind that statement of not fearing anything but fear itself. Fear is, and remains to be, a very, very real and powerful emotion within the human psyche. It is for this reason, above all others, that I understand anyone backing out at the last minute from this surgery. It is my opinion that one must possess the tools that I used to confront and conquer that fear. Our enemy uses that fear, to undermine our faith, and steal our trust in our surgeon’s abilities, and thus keeps us down. At the point in which we succumb to that fear we are far from the accomplishment of our goals. You have to possess these tools in order to use them. Then you must also practice in their uses. For, just as in all other aspects of life, practice is still the one thing that helps us to come as close to perfection as we as humans are capable of being.
The first, and most important, of these tools is the simple faith in someone stronger than yourself being in charge. For me, and my house, this is God. Whatever your beliefs, it is essential that you see that you are not the be all and end all of creation. Second in the toolbox is, a communication connection process, a link that connects you to that person. Prayer does this for me. I was able to remain in contact with God, and in doing so, I had A LOT of help. I had more than a few strong people who kept praying with me, both remotely and in person, and this helped in keeping me calm. (At this point I really need to give a shout out about a few very, very, powerful warriors who stood in the fray and fought with and even FOR me when I couldn't... THIS IS THE SHORT LIST.
First of all God in Heaven for giving me peace that doesn't make sense in my mind... but you said you would give the peace that surpasses understanding. I love that you are a God who stands on your promises and stands behind us even when we can't stand for ourselves.
One of my best friends here in Muncie is Tony Dishman... He is my congregation's youth and family minister and an amazing man, to me; however, he's just my friend. He’s also sometimes my partner in our own version of psychedelic ministry, (Hey I told you that we were weird). Tony has stood vigil with me through this process. He literally took me to every contact, every consult with the surgeon and weight loss staff. Sometimes we just simply sat over lunch talking through the process. He did this while learning about the process himself. Throughout... Tony has been a rock. He sat with me through Sunday night and Monday morning. He prayed with me for peace and serenity. The peace came inexplicably. The serenity? Well that came later.
I have NO better friend on this earth than my dad. He has walked right into Hell and back, with my entire family, and has come through it all. He came through it scarred and battered perhaps but he is there. Dad stayed with me or was nearby the entire time. Dad stood with me through it all… and quietly led me the whole way.
My three sisters, Debbie, DeAnna, and DeRonda are next. What can you say about the three most beautiful women I have ever met in my life? They might laugh at that statement and would, more often than not, fire off some one liner about my sanity. Indeed, while these three won't win any modeling contracts, their beauty is breath taking and their hearts are bigger than my body ever thought about being. God placed within each of them a different part of my mother. All three have lived up to that responsibility in just spectacular fashion. DeRonda, DeAnna and Debbie sat with my Dad throughout the surgery and recovery time, along with my niece Sarah. Also there was Kris Neal, a beautiful lady in her own right and, one of my dad and mother's closest friends. It may sound strange but having Kris there was a lot like having my mother there in the flesh. Sitting with my dad may sound like just a part of being his daughters, granddaughter, and friend. I think I am among the few people who know exactly how nervous and stressed my Dad was that day. All five of these lovely ladies, along with a host of others, knew that and helped keep him calm. That, in turn, took a load off my mind. DeAnna, My brother-in- law Tim, and my niece Sarah, came by the next evening and really cheered me up and calmed me down. This special message to my sisters: Thank you three for being wonderful, beautiful sisters. You are three roses surrounding this thorn. Or is that the other was around?
My oldest friend Bob... we've been together since high school through thick and thin. (Thick then... thin now...). He and his wife Dana prayed with me Sunday and also sat with my family the entire time Monday. Now Bob had to take a vacation day from his job as a advertising sales consultant at a local Christian radio station in Bloomington. Dana, is self-employed, as a cosmetologist. I was really blessed by the fact that he gave up a vacation day and she sacrificed a days pay along with the cost of a hotel room to be there for me. By the way Bob I want to hear that Spirit 95 remote you taped the night before the surgery.
My Grandma, Aunt Lucille, Cousins, and the rest of my family and friends, were all praying and actively communicating with approximately a few thousand of their connections who were ALL praying Monday while I was in surgery and recovering. THANK YOU ALL for being my army standing vigil in the fray.
My best friend from college.. Brian... stood by and prayed and made me a promise to help my family if something had happened. This took a huge load off my shoulders and supported me in ways that He will perhaps never completely comprehend. You don't know how much God has made you special Brian... But we'll talk...
UPDATE... WEIGHED THIS AFTERNOON AND DOWN ANOTHER 10 from the hospital check in....497. I haven't weighed less than 500 pounds in so long. I would try to place an exact date on it, but well, let’s suffice to say that IT'S BEEN AWHILE.
5/5/2005 I went to the clinic to check in with my surgeon and had my staples removed. I weighed in while there, and I have lost another 9 pounds thus, marking my weight at 488. Dr. Simons saw me today, as Dr. Selzer was out of the office. Dr. Simons said I was right on target. I also met with Elisha, the dietician in the office. She said that I was right on target with the diet and nutritional supplements. This with the exception of the calcium citrate supplement, this she gave me instructions on where to find. While there I had an interesting experience: I was waiting in the waiting room and a young man, about five years old, was there with his grandma. "Look!! He exclaimed: That is a REALLY big man. He is great big" Grandma just looked over at me with an embarrassed expression and tried to quiet him down. I just smiled. You see I have heard this, and sometimes much, much worse coming out of the mouths of babes. Children have an amazing capacity to speak absolute truth. This outright honesty can set even the best parent on edge. In this case I just received the familiar look of apology from the grandma. There have been times in my memory where the parents, who should be old enough to know better, said things that reinforced, rather than corrected, the behavior. In one similar situation I was forced to listen to one loud mouth lady who just cooed over the four or five year old child and exclaimed: "WHY YES!! He is a fat man! Such a fat, fat man!!" This as if that statement was the most brilliant thing anyone had ever said. Now I am not advocating that a parent punish a child in this situation, rather the opposite. What I am suggesting is that the parents need to be sensitive enough to quietly explain to the child that you just don't say such things to people as you might hurt their feelings. The truth is that I am well past the point where I am hurt or embarrassed by such statements. I have even come to the point where, if directly questioned as to my size, I will simply state to the child: "Yes, I am fat. (or large, big, etc…) I got that way because I ate too much food and didn't go out to play enough." My favorite experience of this type occurred on a Halloween night a couple of years ago. I had gone over to my ex-girlfriend's brother's house to watch the trick or treaters. Now when we arrived the children got into a trailer, pulled by a yard tractor, to go through the neighborhood. It was at this point when a young lady who, had already been through the neighborhood and as such, was already overburdened with candy joined them. When the kids returned to the house this young lady walked up to me and said, with a sneer on her face that I was to later see duplicated on her parent’s faces, "You are really fat!". "Yes" I replied "And I got that way from eating too much candy." She stepped back against the wall and dropped the bag and pail of candy that had been in her hand. Today, however, I just smiled to myself and thought: Not for long son, not for long!
5/7/2005 The meal plan, which I have been placed on, calls for six meals of 2 ounces each 6 times a day. The only question I have is HOW on earth I am supposed to eat two ounces at a time? I feel full, and I quit eating. As perhaps elementary as that sounds, this is the first time in my life I have been able to accomplish this feat without the overwhelming desire to continue eating. There have been times in the past, when I have, without thinking, continued to eat to the point of making myself nauseous. Well I won't lie and tell you that dumping syndrome isn't a great deterrent to that type of behavior. I have experienced that painful experience once, through no fault of my own, and I do not intend to do anything to cause it to recur. The fact is that I am not hungry, and in being not hungry, I have, for one of the first times in my life, been able to think my way through the process of giving my body nutrition and nurture. This is instead of just eating food by habit.
5/9/2005 I was able to attend both services at church, for the second week in a row, for the first time in years. My energy level is through the roof. I feel great. It dumbfounds me how quickly this has worked.
5/10/2005 I went to the post office today and weighed. I have taken off another 13 pounds. This marks my weight at 475.
5/14/2005 There seems to be no end to the new discoveries that God has blessed me with in this "new existence". I find that even everyday activities such as bathing myself are becoming so much easier. There was a point in the weight gain process where I simply had adjusted to not being able to do certain things. I never thought of this as a handicap, although at some point I did become handicapped by the weight, I just didn't think about it period. It is for this reason, above all others that, I guess it came as a surprize to me this week when I was able to, without thinking, wash the calves of my legs and feet without a great deal of trouble and exhaustion. Thursday I was helping out at the church doing some typesetting and the like when I was called upon to drive the church van back to the building. Now this is something I did on a regular basis right up until the point that I resigned a couple of years ago. Now in order to accomplish being behind the wheel in those days I had to adjust the wheel to the full upright position, adjust the seat as far back as it would go, and more often than not I would have to recline the seat back. Thursday I went about adjusting the seat back, and the wheel up and then got into the driver's seat and was about to recline the seat when... My eyes just about popped out of my head when I realized that I DID NOT NEED to do the adjustments anymore!! I still needed to adjust the seat back, because of the length of my legs (Tony is SHORT), but I was able to adjust the wheel down to a normal driving position. I went to the post office Friday after going to the doctor's office and I found out that I'd lost another 3 pounds in three days. One thing popped into my mind while I was talking to Lisa, Dr. Ong's nurse, I would've killed to have been able to fill my stomach 6 times a day before I had the surgery done. I am able to witness, daily, the hand of God recreating me PHYSICALLY. I stand as usual in awe of this fact.
5/16/2005 I am officially three weeks post-op today. I have been very drowsy these past three days and I was blaming that on the rainy weather that has hung around this weekend. I got a call from the doctor on call for Doctor Ong yesterday. It seems that there is a bacterial virus that they found when I checked in Friday. Not a major problem treatment will require that I take a "souped up" antibiotic and keep the wound clean, and covered for the next thirty days. I love that I have a team of doctors participating in my care. Yesterday marked the third Sunday in a row that I have been able to attend both services at church. I was told by one of the elders that I glide around these days. I guess I can see that. I have also been told by my friend Bob that I am happier now than I have ever been since he's known me. It makes sense... I feel my body and mind coming alive in so many different ways. It is really like a spring renewal if you will. It is like I am waking up from a very long hibernation. I continue to stick to my diet faithfully and the results are fantastic.
5/18/2005 I have just come from an appointment with my pulminologist, Dr. Mares, everything is going VERY well. I had an asthma attack last night while I was walking. At first I thought it was simply my stamina was down, perhaps due to an infection that has cropped up in my drain site, but then the wheezing started and soon I was short of breath and started to get light headed. Well I was looking for my inhaler and all I found was an empty one. I got home and got to another inhaler and no harm done. It reminds me of a question asked in a recent hit on the radio: Is there anyone out there? Cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe. It occurs to me that there have been times in my life when I am under attack, either physically of mentally, and I have felt all alone. Somehow it was at these times, when I have felt alone locked in this huge mass of body, that God has allowed someone to reach out and show me that I am NOT alone. Evidence this letter from my Sister Debbie: Somehow I don't feel alone anymore.
Hi, I am David's sister. I want everyone to know how proud my sisters and I are of David. Since he was 9 years old he has struggled with his weight. Obesity runs in our family. My aunt died at a young age from it, she was in her early thirties, my grandmother in her forties was way over weight too and died. We have been worried about David for a long time but knew that he had to make the decision to do something about his weight on his own. We wanted, but he had to want it too. David, we will support you all the way. We are so proud of you and we love you very much. Your sisters know that you can beat this. We were talking to Tony, Dana and Bob the day of your surgery and we said that we can't wait to take you shopping and do other things that we take for granted that you have not been able to do since you were a child. Well, you might have been able to do them in some degree but not like you really wanted too. I have watched David suffer for so long. I have seen children look at him and snicker, but the sad thing is...I have seen adults do this too. He has feelings, everyone does, they do not deserve to be treated this way. David, we love you....we support you. I saw David two nights ago and WOW...is all I can say. He is doing so good. We can already tell a difference in his clothes. We can tell a difference in his walk. He is amazing to us. He is brave. He is our baby brother that we call Crash. We love you David. Keep it up kiddo.
Love your big sis...Debbie
5/18/2004 Part 2. During my doctor's appointment today I found myself in a discussion with the nurse. She has a friend who is ready to have WLS. Her friend was telling her that the RNY would reduce her stomach to the size of an apple. I explained the truth of the 2 ounce stomach and that led to a discussion of the mental aspects of this. This is something that has been on my mind for many days now. I have wondered at the stories people have told me of those who have gone this route and done well at first, only to fail ultimately. As our discussion proceeded I explained that in order to succeed in this you MUST have made a decision ahead of time to stick to the dietician's plan for your eating. I have only experienced dumping once and that is an experience that I NEVER want to repeat again. I have experienced moderate success thus far and I am determined to stick to this and succeed in the end.
5/18/2005 I just weighed in at the post office and I now weigh 459. I am in awe of this procedure. I am in awe of this success. You see I am just following orders. This is the first time in over ten years I believe that I have been this light. I now give praise to the one who is doing all the real work.
5/23/2004 It seems that the high point of my week at times is going to the post office to weigh in. Today I marked my weight at 452. That's down another 7 pounds. Wooohooo Wooohooo....
5/26/2005 There are some things in life that make you wonder. Today's experience was one of those for me. I started the day with a trip to the rehabilitation department at St. John's. Now a couple of years ago I spent a few weeks going through rehabilitation for the cellulitus in my legs. In the process I had to visit this same department several times. I tried to walk in once... Not a pretty day. I was hyperventilating, to the point of almost fainting, before I got halfway there. I had to call for help and from that point on I was wheeled in. Well today I decided to try a little experiment. I have been working on building my stamina since the surgery. I have made some decent strides but not to the level I wanted to be at. Well I had decided that perhaps I needed to walk to music in order that it might be easier to walk with a cadence. Well today I set my earphones in my ears, set up my laptop to play Casting Crowns, and away I went. I walked in today, without even breathing hard, at a nice upbeat cadence. I was not winded, tired, or for that matter, phased in any way. Ahhh... Life still continues to improve through the grace of God.
5/31/2005 Well I have been post op one month, one week, and one day now. I went in and weighed in today and I am down to 447... Just 24 pounds off 100 since the pre-op check in... I won't quite make it to the 100 pounds by the six week check up but I'll be close. I have just been following orders. This is something that anyone can accomplish with just a little will power and a lot of help from God. I have been walking into wound-care the past few days... and for the first time... without being exhausted. Life is good. Total weight lost since the high weight of 650... 203
6/7/2005 6 weeks ago yesterday I began a whole new journey in my life. Today I checked in with the surgeon and everything looks great!! I got permission to transition onto a regular diet. Soft foods for a week or so and then add... The main question I get asked besides... HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST is ANY REGRETS?? Well let me see... NOPE!!! I am feeling better, I have more energy than I know what to do with, and I look better. My what a strange question in my mind...
6/18/2005 Well I BROKE 100 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok... so I got a little carried away with the exclamation points. But I'm fired up darn it!! Wow. I can't think of any other words to say and that's unusual for this long winded preacher.
7/4/2005 Wow!! So much has happened lately it is hard to keep up. Tonight I went to the fourth of July Fireworks display a few blocks from the house. I have missed this display the last few years because quite frankly I have been unable physically to make it. So tonight was special. This is just one of the "firsts" that have happened recently. Last night I delivered my first sermon in about six years. It felt so good to mount a pulpit again. I am determined to make this work this time around. God has granted me the chance to realise my dream a second time in this lifetime and for that I am thankful. The sermon was about 35 minutes long and yes... I was sweating but I was still standing at the end and I felt great. Today I went shopping and there were no ride carts available so I walked around the store with a pushcart and did just fine... I have taught classes, worked benevolence, all the things a "regular" minister does...allwithout wearing myself out. Tonight as I watched the fireworks fade after the grand finale... I felt a swelling of pride in my chest... I am very proud to live in this great land and blessed to be here and feeling great!!!
7/9/2005 I was not at all prepared for the emotional triumph of breaking the 400 barrier! Wow breaking 500 was alright.. but quite honestly it was so close to the weight loss surgery that I might just have missed it. Today I looked at the numbers on the scale.. then looked again... THen I did a slow walk back to the car... then I yelled out my joy to God... then I cried.. tears of joy... the feeling of elation was overwhelming... then I took a drive and tried out the new spped limit... 75 mph... the drive took the adrinelane out of my system... but the JOY remains.. I imagine it just gets better.. we'll see,, we'll see
7/29/2005 It has been a few days since I have updated this profile as I have been on vacation for the past two weeks or so. The support ministry I have developed within the Fairlawn congregation is coming along... I am busy doing what I love and I am not at all certain that I could say anything better on that matter. I wieghed in yesterday afternoon and I am sitting at 379. That places me somewhere close to the HALF way mark as far as reaching my goal of 185. Slowly but surely I am getting used to what makes me queasy and what makes me outright sick. I tried Splenda today for the first time in a Mentos mints Sugar Free snack. I have not seen any negative reactions to it so all I can say is so far so good. I have been diagnosed as having some issues in my spine and left knee... two different problems... two different surgeons and two different possible surguries... well here goes nothing...
8/20/2005 Well, I have not updated for a while. I should have a wieght update later today... Last Friday I wieghed in and was at 370. This is amazing to me... Another 46 pounds and I will have lost 200 pounds SINCE SURGERY... Maybe by my birthday on September 25th??? We'll see... I recieved a gift Thursday of several pairs of chino pants... they all fit... several styles... from 54 to 58 inch waist ... the 58's are actually too big but they are close enough and MUCH closer than the 8x that I have tucked away... I found a young man who is as big as I ever thought about being and I am sharing some of my old clothes with him... It takes all I have NOT to reach out to him and try and help him lose the wieght... But I know from personal experience that those decisions have to come from within the individual... I really wasn't prepared for the connection menatally though... It was looking at a reflection of what I had become two and a half years ago... 650 wasn't fun... I think I'm gonna throw a party when I reach 350 for my 300 pounds lost... OVERALL... not since surgery... Anyway... I will sign off now... God is wonderful because as I see it He is doing all of this... I am just obediently along for the ride....
8/20/2005...361...Life.is.good
9/2/2005 There was a story on TLC showing a lady who had the surgery (RNY) done. She had lost less weight in more time... The recurring point in the show was that she had to slow down...Because "It is just not healthy to lose weight that fast." Well, as I've already stated, I've already lost MORE wieght in LESS time... This leads me to believe that either the opinions repeatedly expressed in that program are wrong or I'm abnormal. I state this because I FEEL WONDERFUL!!!!! 348 Today... 123 from my personal goal... 163 from my surgeon's office's... 19 days to my birthday... 300 by then isn't probable, some would say impossible. We'll see how close to impossible it really is!!
9/14/2005...I.have.dropped.to.14.meds.now.from.23.pre.surgery...just.a.little.note
10/5/2005 I AM HALF THE MAN I USED TO BE!!!
I am loving life as I am able to now live life! I am active and moving constantly... I can hardly sit still long enough to rest... I never thought that I would actually turn heads but today a total stranger saw my driver's liscense and remarked that I was amazing... Now the thing is... God is amazing.. He has chosen to help me to this new life... and I am thankful
11/30/2005 Of Black Holes and Such...
I once took a tour of the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. As we passed one exhibit about a black hole, and I read of the description of this phenomenon, it occurred to me that that is how I felt sometimes with food. A black hole, loosely defined, is an object that is so immense in size and mass that nothing escapes it. In our well-defined universe gravity is central to our survival on this planet. Gravity is the force which keeps us securely on this rock we call earth. Without it we wouldn’t be able to do anything.
As a simple demonstration of mind... Imagine yourself throwing a baseball into the air. Now, unless you throw that ball pretty hard it will always come back to you. You see the mass of that baseball, in relationship to its location to the planet earth, which is where most of us human beings reside, pulls it back to earth, which has a much larger mass that’s gravity working in our favor. Hmm… this gravity sounds like a pretty good thing! And indeed it is on our earth. Without gravity we would not be capable of staying within our atmosphere where the little gas we call oxygen is. Without it you wouldn’t be able to see because light is also mass on a much smaller particle scale and is pulled into our atmosphere from our sun and reflected off of much larger masses. (Don’t ask me how or why that works… that is beyond my understanding too…)
But I digress… Gravity is our friend. But is there a situation that could exist within our universe where gravity might not be so nice? Where it would, in fact be a horrible thing? That is a black hole. A black hole is a theoretical state where something has gone HORRIBLY WRONG. Picture an object that has SO MUCH MASS that everything of smaller in mass within its gravitational pull is sucked in. The universe’s perfect shortstop, nothing would get past it! and EVERYTHING is sucked in. Since NO mass smaller than a black hole escapes its gravitational pull, whatever matter came near it would simply become a part of it. So in theory this object would just sit there and grow bigger, and bigger, and bigger… well, you get the picture. It would do this until it just finally implodes under the gravitational force of its immense size. I was a black hole when it came to food… NOTHING that came close to me escaped and I was growing larger and larger… and unless that relationship changed I was destined to implode under the force of gravity. Ok… so that is dramatic but you get the point. We live in a balanced, ordered, universe and we must live balanced ordered lives to be happy. This includes the spiritual, emotional, mental, and Physical states of our being.
November 25th, 2005... SEVEN MONTHS POST op.. -238 I just got back from a four and a half mile walk... Then I did some figuring and found out that with my current medical state and BMI which places me in the Obese category only with NO co-morbidities I WOULD NOT QUALIFY for the surgery (If I were going into this today) A myriad of emotions running the gamut of the emotional specrum followed. The result? I wrote this... Strange day indeed!! Not as strange as yesterday, my first Thanksgiving post-op, but that is another story.
I remember the day, which is actually removed by years, like it was yesterday. Considerable effort by a group of very loving people had placed the days of two very precious little girls in my hands and I thought it would be a good idea to take them for a walk. I drove to the Cardinal Greenway, a local rails-to-trails project, got out and made certain the doors were locked, and started out. It was a beautiful summer day and the morning sun was just starting to bring down the heat of the day. We had walked all of 150 – 200 feet when I had to turn around. The girls whined out their disappointment and I ended up taking them to McDonald’s for lunch instead. In retrospective I can still recall the feelings of doubt and failure that threatened to overtake my every sense that day. The loneliness of it all might seem absurd to the average mind… after all I was never alone except when I slept. The rest of the time I was surrounded by a myriad of characters ranging from the truly beautiful to the ridiculous and sublime. I was one of two ministers to a very successful youth ministry and had a nice large family. I was forever busy at the time and I think I never had time to think about the distance that I had placed between everyone who filled my days and my true self. The wall of flesh that surrounded me on all sides was threatening to overtake my life.
Looking back now I don’t know that I wasn’t just moving because I didn’t have enough sense to stop and figure out that I really shouldn’t be ABLE to do the things I was doing. People who weigh near 700 pounds aren’t able to do the things that I did in those days… or so rational thought would dictate... Nevertheless there I was at 660 pounds doing it. I understand, now in retrospect, that the stresses that my muscular-skeletal systems were placed under were enormous. The fact is that, since I have escaped with only severe osteo-arthritis in my knees, and some minor disc problems in my back, I am an extremely lucky man.
People would say things to me that, while well intentioned, sounded exceedingly cruel to my ears. Others weren’t so kind. I would hear those things and retreat to the only thing in my life that, in my mind didn’t hurt me would always be there, and I could always rely on. Food was more than an obsession it was a way of life. I would get up thinking about the early morning snack that I had eaten a couple hours previous, and go to bed after eating a midnight snack. I never really ate that much in front of others, a large and loving family’s well intentioned comments and suggestions had long since driven my heavy duty eating into secret. I was eating and eating, and eating my way into an early grave. The strange thing is I always wanted to lose weight, and I knew how… I just never had that one thing… that one key that would finally place me on that side of it. I was completely and totally lost which is ironic since I spent most of my days showing others how to find God and thus lead happier lives. God and I had an interesting relationship. I loved Him, and respected Him; I just didn’t surrender to Him.
It was to be about three months later, about a week before my mother passed from this physical existence into the spiritual side of life, that I first heard the term: Gastric-bypass surgery. I was recovering from emergency gall-bladder surgery and my surgeon nervously broached the subject... He had discussed the surgery with my family, while I was in recovery. Now at the time I must have misheard him... I could swear to this day that he told me that while I was recovering from Gall-bladder surgery that my sister had requested that he discuss this surgery with me. Now I have been set straight and in a way it irritates me... It was the surgeon who had brought the procedure up to my family. At the time I was furious!! I couldn't believe that my sister had the audacity to bring up my failures as a human being while I was recovering from surgury... Well now I know... It wasn't my sister that I should have been upset with at all... It was the surgeon and a very serious breach of doctor patient confidentiality. The HIPPA rules weren't in place in those days but the ethics of the doctor patient relationship still hold... You just do not talk over a patient's personal medical information with anyone but the patient. SO there I was... I was certain that I had beeen betrayed in my mind... Oh well, I thought... My Mom will take care of this… But Mom would never know of those discussions. She would never leave the hospital where we lay that night. We thought she was recovering, but she was dying from what we now know was cancer.
Following the loss of my mother I was completely lost. My Dad and I slept downstairs and left our bedrooms sitting alone and empty at the top of the stairs. He slept on the fold out couch and I slept in the recliner. That is where I was startled awake, by the phone ringing, about 9:45 the morning of September 11, 2001. Terrorists had attacked the United States and for about an hour I sat transfixed to the television. During that hour I finished off a large bag of potato chips and a couple of sandwiches. I called in to the church building and discussed the attacks with Paul, one of our elders, who helped in the office in the mornings. I picked up my portable television and headed into the office. On the way I stopped at McDonald’s and picked up five Number twos. (Sausage McMuffin with Egg, and two hash browns.) That “breakfast” lasted me almost until I got to the building, which was about thirteen blocks away. I then drove down to Arby’s and picked up a sausage biscuit with egg and an order of hash browns. Later that day I would eat several more times. Stressful times were some of the worst for the secretive binging. The scared feelings that I was experiencing didn’t help to alleviate my feelings of loneliness and emptiness. The two girls that I had been taking care of earlier that Summer had just disappeared in the night along with their father, the youth minister had taken me off of most of my duties following Mom’s death, Mom was gone and we were probably heading in the direction of war. I felt cavernous inside and I tried to fill that space in the only way I knew how… I ate.
I treated food as my perfect therapist, I told it everything. No matter what I told it, I felt safe in doing so. Food never judged me, always understood, filled and nourished me, helped me feel whole again. FOOD NEVER LEFT ME!! There was a problem though… You see food in using food this way it became my false god, my version of a golden calf idol. I was dying inside both figuratively and literally!! I praise the God of Heaven and earth for the changes that he has made in my entire being... Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Life is Good.
Monday December 12th. I should, in all probability, break the 275 barrier today. I will find out soon. the thing is... as I near the 185 goal... I'm still me. It is strange to see the reactions I get from others. Personality wise I am not David anymore... Most call me Dave these days and It almost feels like a loss of sorts. But I've started cleaning out David's things and making room for Dave's stuff. Sounds strange... But it is still just me.
Wednesday December 14th, 2005 I witnessed this from the other side of the coin today. I was honored to travel along with Polly Ward as she came "onto the losing side" today. I sat with her husband Dean, Mom, Dad, and sister as they waited anxiously for word and rejoiced with all of them as we found out about 10:00 this morning that the surgery had appeared to be a success. The smile on Polly's face is still shining in my memory as I greeted her with a "Congratulations, My Dear... You have joined us in this miracle." This surgery can be a miracle of sorts as God uses the technology of medical science to rid yet another determined individual of the albatross that is obesity. So now, just like the rest of us, it is up to Polly to make this a success. The determination echoing from her face reverberated back to my own face just eight months or so ago. Again, I am honored to have taken part.
12/29/2005 The year of renewal and new beginings. This is perhaps an understatement when one figures in the fact that I am now LESS THAN HALF the man I used to be. Moving is easier and pain is reduced. Slowly, methodically I have followed the weight loss staff's orders and the resulting weight loss is breathtaking. This was the beginning of a whole new life for me. Somethings are worth waiting for.
1/11/2006 It has been a stuggle these last few weeks to keep my blood sugars in the non-hypoglycemic range. This was underscored by my not listening to directions well enough... I was trying to bring them up with protiens instead of carbs. Constipation is hard to put up with. Still as much as I have felt crummy at times I am finding more joy in this side of life. I have had to adjust to the idea that my body does not need as much concentrated effort to simply survive.... as iit did before surgery. I guess the point is that I am happy with the changes... Just taking some time to adjust
January 14m 2006: There is nothing more disconcerting these days than to get a phone call, and there seem to be a lot of them, where the caller is asking me to "give a freind a pep-talk" . Ultimately these callers are just concerned family or friends who think that this surgery... for whatever reason... would be wonderful for someone who needs to lose weight. I always tell them that this surgery, or WLS any WLS, while certainly a wonderful and life-saving operatopn, IS NOT something you give someone a "pep-talk" into having. These decisions MUST be weighed heavily when decided upon. This is the third most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life and certainly the third most significant thing thats ever occured in the same. Third only to birth, and baptizm. I was lucky, however, to have had the time to think through and decide whether or not it was right for me and to give the decision the study and weight it deserved... One does not often decide to permanantly change ones anatomy this drastically. You know going in that is a fact that you are probably going to feel bad a great deal until you get the diet down pat... Thats alright... the worst I feel today is a hundred times better than how I felt before WLS. These things are to be considered along with a myriad of other things... Only one who has gone down a road can help you spot the potholes in said road. If I can ever be of service to any who would have read this far into this profile/blog... Email me and I'll be happy to help in any way I can. Just dodn't ask me to "psyche", you or someone else, up to have this surgery... Never gonna happen. It has to be a rational decision otherwise it is one that will hurt you... I refuse to do that.
Well life is interesting at times... Just wanted to give an update... I have been dealing with varying levels of hypoglycemia... a "side effect" of the rapid weight loss... But no matter how bad life is now... I still feel 100% better than I did before the surgery... We are coming up on the one year anniversary... Life is good
4/21/2006 HUSTON!! We have countdown! WE ARE T-MINUS 4 DAYS and counting to my FIRST birthday!! Or rebirthdate or something like that. Life is good. I am five days out of Sinus reconstruction. There are SO many blessings to this new life. I feel like getting out of bed in the morning and like sleeping at night, moving is done with relative ease when this does occur! At a 300 plus weight loss I guess it would just about have to! I have now transitioned to the "Holding" pattern. If I lose any more weight at this time (beyond that which comes naturally) I will be too small after the plastics. Between the excess skin and the pooling water that has not completely vacated my legs the doctors have estimated that there is between sixty to eighty extra pounds that can and will be eliminated. The problem with that?? I see NO problem with that!! I feel and look normal for the first time in my life. I have now started to date a wonderful lady who is the light of my life!! I will say one thing for the experiences of the past three years... They hurt some.. but the rewards of being on the "losing side" are such that I am humbled by the greatness of God!! To have the love of so many in my life, and this one in partic
Christmas Shopping
Dec 02, 2006
