doriweh

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Ok, I finally got someone to get me new batteries for my scale.  We tested it with a 20 lb wt. and it looks like it is accurate.  Not sure how it compares to the Doc's scales, but according to my scale at home I have lost 7 lbs so far.  Not sure if this is normal, or average or what, but I am happy.  That makes 22 lbs with my pre-op loss.  I don't look different or feel different yet, but it's good to know I am finally doing it!

So, now that I have some extra time on my hands, I thought I would work on my story a little bit.  I think that today I will talk about my childhood.  I had a great childhood although it definitely wasn't normal.  My parents divorced when I was 2.  My Mom moved us from Lincoln, NE to McCook, NE to be closer to her Dad.  I was so young and the only memories I have of my Dad are when he came to get us for visits.  He still lived in Lincoln, so it's not like these were every weekend.  We went to his parents farm.  Their house was below ground and we had to use an outhouse.  They had horses and I got to ride.  These are the memories I have of my Dad.

Mom was a single parent, but had my Grandads help.  He moved in with us and was really the most important father-figure in my life.  I wish I had spent more time with him in his last few years, but more about that later.  So, even though I came from a "broken home", it didn't feel broken because we had Grandad.  Our neighborhood was mostly boys, so I was kind of a tomboy.  Although I loved playing with dolls, I was also pretty good at climbing trees, playing ball, and exploring in the "woods" by our house.  Then puberty hit and hit early.  I developed breasts in the 5th grade.  There was no "training" involved.  I went to a regular bra and it wasn't an A cup.  My friends were cruel as kids can be.  We had to shower after gym and one day my "friends" hid my bra.  I screamed and cried to get it back.  That's really all I remember, but Mom says that I screamed so loud that the boys heard me, so they teased me afterward.  Needless to say, I was upset when I got home and my Mom called my gym teacher - a man - and he made sure that from then on a female teacher was in the locker room with us girls.  I know that this is where my struggle with my self-image started.  It is also where my weight problem began.  Although it wasn't like I ballooned up immediately, but all through Jr. High and High School, I was always "not skinny".  Food has been such a comfort for me all this time.  Maybe that explains how hard it is for me to give up this comfort zone.  Need to think on that one.  More story at another time.
 

I had wanted to add more to "my story" before now, but since I haven't done that yet, I will at least talk about my surgery experience.  The pre-op liquid diet went better than I expected.  I surprised myself by not being bothered (much) by not eating my favorite "bad" foods.  The only issue I had was constipation and hemmorroids which made the constipation worse.  On Wed. I had to take the Mag Citrate.  I was supposed to take it at 3 and all the stories I'd heard said not to hope that it wouldn't kick in right away.  So I left work at 3, and worked on drinking the stuff.  It took me a while to finish, partly because it made me nauseous and partly because I got a "pre-op" phone call in the middle of taking it.

Well, it didn't kick in right away.  It didn't really kick in until 8pm.  Then I was worried that I'd be up all night, but it didn't.  I also didn't drink much of anything past 3 because I was worried I'd throw up.  I didn't think anything about going before we left (it's a 2+ hour drive) figuring I'd have to stop on the way or go as soon as we got there.  But no, not only did I not have to stop and not go as soon as we got there, I couldn't go for the nurses to get a sample for pregnancy test.  They even tried to cath me, but there was nothing in my bladder.  

I was worried that they wouldn't do the surgery.  The anesthesiologist came in and explained the risks to my DH and I if I happened to be pregnant.  I was 99.99% sure I wasn't and didn't want to go home so they went ahead with the surgery.  YAY!!  Recovery went well, the pain was minimal and I still had problems peeing.  Even after receiving all the IVs.  Unfortunately, it finally came down to pee or be cathed and I couldn't so they put in the cath.  YUCK!  It did get me going though, I had no problems after that.

I was so ready to go home.  I didn't sleep well in the hospital.  My DH had stayed in the room with me.  He was snoring, the IV machine beeped every 15 seconds, and I couldn't get comfortable in the bed.  We'd also gotten a call from my son who was staying at my sisters at 10 pm.  He told us about a "bullying" incident at school.  He was fine while talking to his dad, but when he got on the phone with me, he cried.  So I was worrying about him.  Luckily, my sister had been through this kind of stuff with her boys, so they helped him through it.

Anyway, we were finally able to leave and by the time I got home, I went straight to bed.  It was so great to be in my own bed.  I have been doing well today, walking, sipping and resting.  My DH has been so wonderful.  He was and is my angel.  We have had our problems, but I know he wants to make things better.  He has wanted to wait on me hand and foot and it's hard not to let him, because I want to do things for myself.  It's kinda funny - everytime I get up, he asks me where I'm going, if I'm ok, if he can get me anything.  It's a big turn around for him.  I think I will milk it for all the attention I can get!

Ok, I need to get to bed and get much needed rest.  I will continue with my story, next time.

I have been trying to figure out this new adventure of mine by checking out other people's spaces and blogs.  I haven't done much with mine as anyone can tell.  I did find a couple of people whose blogs caught my eye.  Similar problems I guess.    My day started out with a phone call at midnight from the local police.  I manage an apartment complex and there was a situation going on that I needed to help with.  Nothing drastic, just dramatic I guess.  I was there for a half hour then when I got home I had a hard time falling back to sleep.  The next phone call was at 7:30 from my sister informing me that her father-in-law had passed away.  That's a big family and everyone is close, so that's going to be hard on all of them.  I gave her my love and prayers to everyone.   Now that I am awake, or at least trying to wake up with a cup of coffee, I want to continue with my story:  I can't believe how hard it is for me to "diet" even when I know that my weight is making me unhealthy.  I've been told it is the "last supper" syndrome - people know that they are not going to be able to eat after the surgery, so they eat all their favorites before.  That is why my doctor wants me on the 2 week liquid diet - to lose weight before surgery rather than gain it.  But it's like the food is calling me!  Farmer's market - no not the vegies - the peach pie, & honey & carmel apples & all the other "unhealthy" foods at the farmer's market.   My husband has been no help so far.  He has been bring home donuts and string cheese and ice cream and cheese curds.  I have talked to my counselor (oh yes - I need one!) about his addictive personality.  He is a recovering addict that had a very bad relapse earlier this year.  It seems he has just replaced his addiction with food and spending money.  That's one of the big issues I am currently dealing with.  Not to mention that it has been an issue for us for most of the time that we have known each other.   WOW!  Just writing that down has really drained me.  I didn't realize how hard it would be putting that out there to you.  I have to stop for now.  I'll possibly come back later today.

I have decided to join the 21st century and "blog" about my life - especially my hurts and how I am now working on healing not only my body, but my mind and spirit as well.    A lot of the people that know me may think that I have dropped off of the face of the earth.  In some ways I have.  I have had a lot of negatives happening in my life and it seems that they have overcome the positives recently.  Writing in a journal, or just writing down my thoughts in general is my way of climbing back up into the world.  Be patient with me, as I try to organize my thoughts and make sense of how I am feeling and how I want to express those feelings to myself, my family and friends, and yes, even to the strangers that might actually take the time to read my ramblings.   I'll start with introducing myself to the world.  My name is Dorinda and I am a 47 year old mother of a wonderful 12 year old boy.  My husband is 10 years younger than I, yes 10 although I usually say it's only 9.  We have been married for over 13 years.  We wanted more children but I wasn't able to have any more.    I will go into more detail in later blogs about our struggles in our marriage and our life together.   I guess that I need to start with today and my feelings of forboding that I can't explain.  Ok, I kinda know it has to do with my health.  That's why I wanted to start this blog in the first place.  I'm overweigt, have been most of my adult life.  I the last couple of years, though, my health has been on a downward spiral.  I have developed type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholestorol.  My doctors were worried about my heart, but that checked out ok.  I have tried and failed many diets and exercise routines.  I love food too much.  I finally decided that the only way to get myself healthy is to have a gastric by-pass surgery.  That's where they turn my stomach into a pouch the size of an egg.  You might think this is a cop out because I don't have the will power to do it on my own.  It's ok, cause there are times when I think that myself.   I have to remind myself that this is going to be hard work and a life changing experience.  I will never be able to eat the same way that I do now.  There will be many of my favorite foods that I will have to limit or avoid all together.    I keep asking myself, "Self, you are an intelligent person, you understand portion control, and nutrition labels - why can't you do this on your own?"  I never have a good answer for myself.    Can a person be addictied to food?  I believe they can.  Am I addicted to food?  I don't know.  I don't act like the typical addict, as far as hiding my eating, or constantly thinking about my next meal, or even achieving some kind of euphoria after eating.  I enjoy food and I have my favorites, but more often than not, I am just eating for the sake of eating.  Not hungry, just bored.   So here's the deal - my surgery is scheduled for Sept. 20th, 2007.  I have to go on a liquid diet 2 weeks prior.  I will have to stay on a liquid diet for 2 weeks after.  I have to get in a lot of water and that has always been hard for me.  I'm scared but anxious.  I want to get my "new life" started and I can't wait to "throw away" the old outer me.  I'm hoping it will change the inner me too.  Not that I am a bad person or expect to become an entirely different person, I just want to rid myself of all of my depressive self-doubt, and self-hate, and shame and all the other baggage that comes with my negative self-image.   I know I need to write more - about my past, my childhood, my marriage, my family, and such.  I just can't handle all of it at one time. 

I have finally been approved by my insurance and met with the surgeon.  I had to wait until tomorrow to schedule a date because the person in the office that does the scheduling had left for the day.  That was a little frustrating.  This is going to be tough, since Minneapolis is 2 hours away, but I can and will make it work.

I am a new member of OH.  I have just begun the process of getting approved for surgery.  I am hoping to get a surgery date yet this summer.  Just a few more medical tests and a 5-week over the phone consultation with my insurance company and hopefully I'll be approved.  

I would love to hear from anyone, at any stage of the process - needing encouragement I guess.