Drachenfire
Saving [My] Humanity!
I don't know where to begin necessarily, though I suppose as this is a site on weight issues I may start there?
Well, when I was a kid I was pretty active, on the swim team and entering into competitions... though I never personally had any competitive drive for that. Also, I was active in baseball as a kid though that didn't really stick. I did normal kid things but was generally unfocused most of the time.
In my adolescence we moved and I had a hard time adjusting to our new home. I had trouble making friends in the new city and I didn't really get into the sports like I had been, and I gained weight. I remember well getting the husky pants and hated clothes shopping.
Family issues and bla bla bla, years later I had gained quite a bit of weight, but started walking and developed huge legs. Well, in my sophomore and senior years of high school I started running more consistently and lost allot of weight. Generally I ran as much as three miles a day and five miles every other day. It was a way to clear my mind.
Well, I was about to join the Air Force at the close of my senior year when I met my first real boyfriend, who convinced me not to join the service and instead move in with him. He was older then I was and I think he thought he was saving me somehow. lol.
Anywhose, that relationship ended somewhat badly four years later and I had gained ALOT of weight. It seems I gain weight when I am unhappy.
That is when I hooked back up with a high school friend named Eric... now styled Eryque, who is a six foot tall black androgynous guy who could hold his own with RuPaul. Mischievous Eryque had a gift for attracting trouble and I could fill this page alone with his exploits. Any whose, he had gone through his own periods of yoyoing weight but when I saw him again he was skinny as sin! We started hanging out and eventually got an apartment together, and he taught me the Secrets of Ana.... that is Anorexia. We would compete with each other on who could go longest before we would eat... the longest I went was nine days.
The scenario went like this.... I would binge one day and not eat for another seven or eight. Wash, Rinse, and Repeat. Life went on this way for three or more years and I honestly can't remember what had happened between that and the clubbing. Dexitrim was like candy to me. If you caught me unaware I might admit to illicit substances too, but who knows.
I admit to nothing nor deny anything. And I'm not talking.
Then something of an intervention knocked some sense into me, but really it was when a relationship ended that I just lost all sense of proportion. I gained huge amounts of weight, more then my first large gaining of weight, to something like 280 lbs. Nothing I could do could stop it, and when I tried to call on Ana I just didn't have that willpower or discipline any more.
So I Join the Army in 2000.
Yeah, so I'm in the Army now at age 26 as one of the largest recruits with all the snide comments that come with it both from other recruits and drill sergeants. I did manage to lose 30 lbs, but could never crack 220.
*Sigh*
So I passed my final basic Physical test despite being hospitalized for a week with double pneumonia, and running on a broken leg (due to really bad shin splints), and fractured ball of my foot. I just ran through the pain I guess afraid of failure.
I loved Basic Training, but despite all the exercises I could not lose the weight. From then on during weekly weigh-ins I was written up for being over weight. I should have been at most 164, but they wanted me at 157. I was no less then 220 for the remaining time in the army. Eventually the Army honorably discharged me in December of 2001. While my fellow unit was deployed overseas I was stuck at home.
Depression and bla bla bla, I tried a series of other diet plans, trying to find the one for me. I tried a Weight loss clinic where I took vitamin shots and with counseling. I tried not eating again. I tried Atkins... boy I became REAL evil on that one!.... I tried Weight Watchers (the diet book not actual classes).... ALLI.. .nothing seemed to work for me. I was back up to about 280 again.
Well, I did manage to lose 40 lbs so am down to my historic 246/250 range with diabetes and I feel that my life is slowing slipping from me. I've become a hermit not actually interacting with anyone, and I avoid looking into the mirror anytime one is around. I deny who I am as a person....
So... this is for me the last rope. I don't know how else to save my humanity.
