EmeraldDaisy

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I'm doing better everyday now after surgery. I'm losing weight so quick and it's so exciting. I started my journey at 297 lbs and I'm 5'6. Today I am 13 days out from surgery and weigh 265 lbs! Woo Hoo! I'm thrilled. I'm no longer in pain. I haven't been "hurting" since about day 7. I would have been feeling better sooner but I pulled my tummy when I attempted to get myself out of bed. I should have stayed on the couch. I have been sleeping on my couch this whole time because there is more support for my back and tummy out here. I have my first check up with the doctor tomorrow.

I have had some challenges. My pouch is sensitive. I DON'T LIKE SWEET STUFF ANYMORE! (I never ever ever thought I would say that, much less truely think that. I was a sugar fiend before surgery. The words " it's too sweet" would have never left my mouth. I could eat more than one Cadbury Egg at Easter! LOL! )  It is so weird being like this. Every single thing that I have to take is sweet. My vitamins are sweet, my protein shakes are sweet, my drinks like crystal lite are sweet. It is all kinda yucky. Honestly my spit is sweet. It grosses me out. Now that I have my sweet tooth broken it seems like I am being forced to re-adopt it by subjecting me to all this nonstop sweetness. I bought some protein powders that I thought were pretty good before surgery. I didn't have any problem getting them down. Now, I want to barf if they pass my lips. I even tried to take it a teaspoon at a time like medicine. Nuh uh, nadda, not working. I got stomach cramps and drank water to get rid of the taste. That didn't work, I had to brush my teeth to get that taste out. Yuck! The bad thing was I had spent all my money "getting prepared" and I couldn't drink a drop of what I had. I have been pretty miserable for the past week. I was only drinking one small cup of chicken noodle soup a day and water. I was too weak and empty to be able to handle my vitamins. I really felt like I was in trouble. It didn't help that my only source of help (my husband) wasn't taking me seriously and would put off buying me something different to try to get in me. He finally brought home some EAS premade protien drink. Thank God I could tolerate it! But it only has 17g of protein per thing. I am still working on drinking the same one for 4 days. I am still not getting in what I need to, but even that little bit has made me feel like I am coming back to life. I am guilty of not asking my surgeon for help this week because I really wanted to try everything I could think of before I went and involved them. I feel a little bit like a failure for not being able to meet my needs. (I have issues)  I will confess everything tomorrow at the Dr.s appointment and hopefully they will be able to help. Another challenge I have is getting in the proper vitamins. I have chewable vitamins but they are really big. They are a mouthful. It feels weird after not having anything in my mouth for 3 weeks. I think I will start cutting them in half. Another challenge I have is that I can't really bend over and pick stuff off the floor. It feels like I will hurt something. I can't unload my washer and dryer. I can't do a lot of things that I think I should be able to.

But things are getting better every day. Everyday I feel like I get in a little bit more nutrition, or a little bit more of my vitamins. I can stand up straiter and walk a little further.  I am losing weight and feeling lighter. I have only one chin now! My fat in my belly that was firm before surgery is now softer and is going away a little. The same thing in the top of my calves. (I thought I would be stuck with huge calves) My hands are completely normal size now. My muffin top has shrunk so much that it makes my inscisions look like they have moved. I did have cuts in between rolls and now that it is flattening out a little now the cuts are almost to the top of the roll. Hmm, weird and gross enough for ya?

My kids have been amazingly helpful! They have helped me keep the house cleaned up. They help take care of me and bring my water or cook some soup. They are so great.

I hope everyone is having a great day. I'll check in later.

I'm in a much better mood today. There is only 4 more days until my surgery on Monday. I still have some things to take care of basically financial stuff. My Mom and Dad are angels and have lent me the money to cover the gap between what my insurance pays and what my health savings account pays. It was a VERY unexpected cost. Nobody ever even hinted that this might pop up and be prepared for it. But I've got the money to pay that now, so I am very relieved.

In other news I am on day 4 of the liquid diet! I think I'm doing great! It hasn't been too big of a pain for me and I haven't had too many cravings. I need to actually work on keeping up with drinking enough though. I've let myself get caught in too many situations without water on hand and then I go too long without drinking anything. I've lost about 10 lbs so far in 4 days. That's great. I still haven't gotten rid of my double chin yet though. Usually when I lose weight it goes away pretty quick, so I am looking forward to seeing only one chin in the mirror.

My Mom and I went shopping online and bought some protein powders. I got a good variety:
*Syntrax Nectar Chocolate Truffle
*Syntrax Nectar Vanilla Bean
*Syntrax Nectar Fuzzy Navel
*something or other cookies and cream
*Nectar Cappuccino

I also have Isopure Vanilla Creme here already. I don't like it. It smells like protein. I think I will be well set up now once those things get here.

I've been approved for surgery and I have an OFFICIAL DATE: JULY 21ST!!! It's very surreal. I can hardly believe this is for real and that I am really going to get this surgery. It's so exciting and a little scary. My life is going to change so much. My body is going to change so much. This has definitely been part of a larger process of positive changes. I feel like I am going to be much more able to live a good life and be active.

July 21, 2008 is my new birthday. I hope I do this right.

June 24, 2008

 

As of yesterday i was having a terrible time getting medical records. I thought that I would not be able to have surgery at all because of this. I have spoken to a few different doctors offices and have finally gotten some help. It wasn't easy. I prayed about it. I asked God that if this is what I should do then please help pave the way. Now I have medical records from 2 doctors offices also another office is looking through archives to see what they can find. I still need one more office to call me back. But, what I have from the health department should be very helpful! It has my weight history since I was 18 yrs old until I was 23 years old. Even at 18 I had just had a baby basically and I was about 220 pounds. I gained tons of weight while experimenting with birth controls and basically being between diets and poverty and eating like my husband (who eats tons of food ALL THE TIME). Looking through the Health Department records was really interesting.

 

I've still been eating everything in sight and not exercising.  I am scared of the changes I am going to have to make. I'm afraid I can't do it. I know I CAN! AND I WILL! But I'm just worried that I am going to mess up in some way. "In some way" I really mean Big Way,… like I only sticking with it for a few weeks or coming back to my binge eating habits or stretching out my pouch or being miserable because I miss the freedom to mess up or I don't even know. What if I end up with major health problems because of this. What if I end up weak or less healthy than I am now. I wish I could do it the old fashion way without starving and feeling deprived. That is the point I feel like I am at now. I feel like I could stick to the "way of eating" that I will be on after surgery / without the surgery, but I would be starving and have head hunger and would let life bully me around until I came back to what I am now.

 

I still don't know if surgery will happen for me or not. I've always been kind of holding my breath as far as this is concerned. I have kind of thought of it as a pipe dream. It has been kind of hard for me to think that I will actually be approved. It has been hard for me to think that my life can actually REALLY change that much. It is hard for me to imagine myself smaller than I have been in 10 years. I have been through so much in 10 years. It is hard for me to imagine being comfortable in my own skin again. I can't imagine being a normal size. Is that really possible?!? It would be greater than great if it is possible. I've thought that it is nearly impossible, but why not just try to get approved and see what happened. Now I've been at the approval process for 5 months, going on six now, and I have spent hundreds of dollars and hours upon hours studying the process and the potential life after that I might have. I feel like it has been a surreal journey so far. I feel like I might get there or I might not. But then again at the same time I have been going through the motions of this and just having the automatic assumption that this WILL happen. That somehow things will just fall into place when they are supposed to. Part of me just KNOWS that I will have surgery this year. It tells me to just not worry too much about all the glitches and to be patient. It is all taken care of.  I am kind of not prepared for what I might do if I am denied the surgery. Do I just go on another diet, do I just start over and try again. I guess so. I can't stay like this. I am starting to have higher blood pressure and I am really starting to feel limited in what is possible for me to do. I like to be independent so this can't stay like this. Anyway good luck to me.                                                   

June 22, 2008

 

I haven't exercised since the other day. Hmph. Old habits die hard. I've really let my eating go to crap too.  I really didn't make ANY progress with getting my surgery this past week. All the offices close. Nobody calls me back. I keep getting machines. It sucks. I've been so freaking lazy today. I've played on the computer all day long downloading music and looking at pretty cars like the Bugatti Veyron… it's only $1.4 million and will get to 200mph in about 9 seconds or something like that. I want to ride in one. I think that would be a cool life experience.

To my future self,

 

I have decided to start exercising. I have finally gotten all of my obstacles out of my way at least temporarily. My house is cleaned up, I'm out of school, and I have exercise equipment for my personal private use.

 

Just now I got off of the treadmill. It's been a pretty good while since I have exercised. Ugh, it is not a good thing right this minute. I am 295.6 pounds. My chest is heavy. My limbs are heavy. It's hard for me to breathe.  I'm sweaty. It was hard for me to go for 20 minutes walking at a rate of between 1.8 and 2.3. There were times when I was watching the clock even for that short time. BUT I MADE IT!!! This is the beginning!

 

After I've exercised I am proud of myself for setting this goal and then reaching it. I can feel my body. My muscles feel energized. I am awake. I am energized. I know that I just chose to do something that will move me towards my goals of being more healthy.

 

My goal is to walk 20 minutes most days of the week.

My goal is to walk 1 mile in 20 minutes.

My goal is to walk 1.25 miles in 20 minutes.

My goal is to increase my stamina and endurance.

My goal is to get on the treadmill multiple times a day… 3 times a day.

 

I got a CPAP machine yesterday for a condition of "probable upper airway resistance syndrome" . Basically I might not be taking in enough air and that machine pushes it into my lungs. It's weird to wear a machine to bed to sleep. It's a little scary too… has my high weight finally caught up to me? Is this a result of me being so obese? It's time to get this under control. I am trying to get approved for gastric bypass surgery. I am addressing my depression with therapy. Now I am also adding exercise to my day. I pray I stick with it. I can and will do this.

 

Future self, it is not fun being in a heavy, slow, tired body. It is not fun to have to sit on the sidelines and watch the kids play because I am afraid of hurting myself or of not being able to participate because I don't have the energy. I can't jump or run or get up and down easy. I have a hard time getting a deep breath. My knees crunch. My back hurts a lot. Hauling this body around is exhausting.  I hope next time I look back thru these files I no longer feel this way.

 

It isn't always like this I have to say that. But these are the little things that trickle in and really hurt. I recognize that it is happening and I do try to change it to positive thinking. I think that these are those internal dialogs that try to play unconsciously though. Some of it is things that I tell myself when I am faced with uncomfortable situations or if I feel like I'm in too deep. This IS my helplessness expressing it's ugly self. I'm hoping that all this will change as I try to live more in the moment and less in my head. Life isn't easy for anyone and we all face challenges that teach us something we need to learn. I am a huge procrastinator. I am trying to change my mind and my body through my journey.  I think, (I hope) that by showing these awful things the light of day that they will not be as powerful. Because I HAVE recognized them as the terrible things they are maybe I will be able to replace each one with a counter point. Something positive in each ones place. Something constructive. These are ugly thoughts and ugly to read, but they are what I have done to myself for years. I have been basically beating myself black and blue with these thoughts.

Things I tell myself in my head.

 

I'm an abject failure. I can't do anything right. I can't run my own life. Life is hard. I wish someone else would take responsibility for me because I can't handle my own business. I am not living in the moment. Everything is too much. I am poor. I am fat.  I am gross. I stink. I'm ugly. I'm a bad mom because I don't spend quality time with my kids. I am checked out and overwhelmed most of the time. I ignore my responsibilities. I am not able to be responsible. I suck at life. I suck at everything. I don't apply myself at school, my marriage, my kids lives, my household. I let myself sink into depression and self pity. I let myself feel overwhelmed. I don't take enough action to make a difference. I can't handle it. It seems like just about anyone but me could be doing a better job at my life. I'm being stupid and selfish for trying to go to college so long. I'm not going to finish it anyway. Why rack up all this debt for nothing. Why don't you just stay home or get a real job. You Can't do it and you will never be a psychologist or any kind of professional. Who are you to think you can? Your house is nasty. You are nasty. You can't even clean your laundry. You can't even keep your house clean. You suck. You are depressed. You can't move. You can't get anything done today. Don't even try. What's the point? It's just going to be just as bad tomorrow and it will be even harder tomorrow. You can't keep this up. You can't maintain a healthy balance in any way shape or form. Why try? Why try to be a perfectionist you only mess it up in the end. And if you don't the other people in your family will mess it up for you. Nobody will appreciate what you do. They will just mess it up as soon as you get it clean. You should just zone out. It doesn't hurt when you zone out. You should do it later. Later will be better. Someone will help you later. You'll have more energy later. You will have more supplies to do it with when you have more money. You can't do it now. There isn't a way to get this done. It'll be hard and you are just going to mess it up even more. You are going to break it. You are going to make someone mad. You will make it harder for the person who will do it right. Get out of the way. God you are slack. Why don't you do something you lazy ass.