EmergentGrace
Month 5 and 71 pounds gone forever!
Feb 02, 2012
71 pounds, it doesn't even sound real. I used to cry thinking about how I needed to lose over 100 pounds and how hard, nay impossible it seemed. This is officially the most weight I ever lost at one time, my former record being 70 pounds when I went from 198 to 128 about 15 years ago. Obviously it didn't take forever, although I did level out around 140-150 and teniously held that for about 5 years. I am actually starting to believe I may see 128 pounds again, although I'm ok if I don't. That would mean I would have to lose a total of 146 pounds. That's a lot. I'm really happy with the idea that I will continue to lose some more weight and that it isn't coming back.I scare myself. I ate an M & M oatmeal cookie a week ago. There wasn't anything else in the house. I tolerated it fine. I ate my favorite chicken enchilada casserole last night. Today I went to Carl's Jr for lunch, not because I was hungry, but because I wanted fast food. To my credit I got a low-carb grilled chicken sandwich, and only ate two-thirds of it. I want to eat for the wrong reasons too often. I am realizing I pretty much can eat anything I decide to try, which terrifies me, I just can't eat much of it, and although I usually make good choices I am afraid of the idea that I can choose to make bad ones. I'm PMSing and I have a cold I'm having some job stress, and some family stress. Food was my standby for bringing it down. Now I am here writing it away. Maybe noone will ever read this, but I feel better for it. I am trying to imgine a body that I can be proud of again, sure with sagging, wrinkled skin, but well put together. My rear is starting to look nice again, and I show the beginings of a noticeable waist. I am actually starting to consider getting rid of all of my size 20 clothes. I realize i am standing at a cross-roads now where I get to make choices rather than be strictly confined by what I can or can't have. I knew this day would come. Surprisingly with my tummy not hungry all the time, the good choices are easier and the bad choices apparent for what they are. Mental.