ewalch
I have been over weight for my entire life. My mother said that my grandfather always asked he when I was a baby when she was going to put me on a diet. You see everyone on my mother's side of the family is thin. My sister and brother are thin. I take after my father who was absent from my life at an early age. I remember at a very young age pretending that my glider on my swingset was a meat slicer, like at the deli counter, and I was the peice of meat and the legs of my swingset were the blade that would slice peices of my hind side off to make me thinner. I remember in 5th grade asking my mother if I could get a pair of jeans. My argument stood on the fact that there were people who were fatter than I was who were wearing jeans and I just knew there had to be a pair out there that would fit me. My mother was a avid seamstress and she sewed our clothing, but just the same both my sister and brother had jeans already.
In 5th grade I also developed Type 1 diabetes. Now would be the time that I would be skinny because I would be told what to eat and how much to eat. Did not happen. I continued beeing taunted by fellow students about being fat. I started eatting very unwisely when I started Jr. High. I would bring a bag of air popped popcorn with nothing on it for my lunch. I also started to jog. Now I would be skinny. Didn't work. High school started and I was bound and determined not to be fat. I stopped eatting and anything that I did eat I threw up. I woke up in the middle of the night to do sit ups in my bed. I would be sknny now. It worked, for a year as long as I kept doing what I was doing. I thought I was beautiful and I turned a few heads. I also started comming out of my shell and feeling worthy of speaking my opinion because there was no fear of people dismissing me because I was fat. Then the weight and the shame all came back two fold. My shell became even more hardened. I remember sitting up against my locker on the floor of the hallway as we all did before school started in the morning, and hoping that nobody would notice the huge hole I had worn into the crouch of my elastic waist pants. I told myself that it was motivation to help me lose weight but truely it was self loathing.
