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This blog entry is a little pointless.  I thought maybe if I blogged, I would hold myself accountable.  A lot has happened since my last post... ummm, I got pregnant 3 months after the band was placed because my infertility was reversed after a near 30# weight loss.  I unfilled my band eight weeks into the pregnancy, as I had begun to actually feel it.  My band remained empty for the duration of the healthy pregnancy.  I only gained about 25#.  I had a beautiful baby girl on March 14, 2008.  I quickly lost the baby weight, as happened with my first pregnancy 6 years prior.  I actually got down to 246#.  But as I had suspected, it quickly started to come back on.  When my daughter was 3 months old, I decided it was time to stop gaining, and get a fill.  I was still nursing.  The doctor worried that I shouldn't get  a fill in order to meet caloric needs for my milk supply.  Having never felt the band prior to pregnancy, I was convinced it wouldn't really make a difference anyway, and I had no worries... other than that I would continue to gain and fail at the band.  I even asked her to give me 2ccs, since prior to pregnancy I had only begun to feel my band at 3ccs.  She agreed.  In the doc's office, they always have me sip water after a fill.  I had never felt anything and wondered why I even bothered.  Only this time, I knew after just one sip that something was definitely different.  I felt something.  However, I didn't say anything.  I told myself that it would be fine and it was what I needed to control my eating.  By the time I got home, swallowing just spit caused me pain.  I knew something was really not right.  I called the office at 5:00, closing time... but the nurse answered my call.  She said to take it easy and I would be fine... to only use clear liquids.  Thinking back, I don't know why I didn't argue, but I knew I couldn't even swallow clear liquids if I couldn't swallow spit without pain.  By midnight I was frantic.  I was in terrible pain, I could not sit or lie down.  I even walked my neighborhood at midnight, hoping movement would make the pain stop.  I called to page the doctor in tears.  A nurse contacted me and told me that I would have to wait until morning to page the doctor, and that because I could talk, I was fine.  Being a nursing mother that could not drink any fluid, I was so worried that I would not produce enough milk for my baby.  I struggled with my supply anyway, and I could tell my breasts were not feeling fuller.  By 6 a.m. I paged again, and the nurse finally agreed to contact the doctor.  The doctor allowed the nurse to meet me at the office to remove my fill.  Luckily, it was a successful unfill.  At one point in the night, I thought I would pay anybody to jab a syringe in my and get the stupid slaine out.  It was awful, and it scared me away from the thought of filling my band for a long time.  So the weight gain continued.  When my baby was 6 months old, I decided to try again.  I got 1cc of saline in my band, and I can definitely feel it.  The problem is, I'm not allowing myself to get in the game.  I am realizing that when I got the surgery, I was ready.  I had mentally prepared.  My oldest daughter was very self sufficient.  I was able to spend some time on myself.  Now I'm right back where I was a number of years ago... a stay at home mom, lazy, trying to use whatever energy I have to take care of my baby.  These are long, lonely days, and though the fill is working - I am cheating it.  I seek sweets and foods that will go down easily.  I will say that I do eat less than I once did, and the band slows me down.  When we go to restaurants, I cannot eat near what I used to.  Sometimes that's really frustrating.  More frustrating is that if I would just stop when I can't get any more down, I would actually lose more weight.  Instead, I look for sweet things.  The doctor told me that this was why I should not get the band.  I was so defiant with her, and explained that I would be able to kick this problem with the help of the band.  I still think that is true, but it's not true right at this moment.  I know that if  I would exercise and stick to the program, I would be kicking ass and taking names.  I just need to get my head together.  The scale crept up to 268# prior to the 1cc fill a few months ago.  I'm down to about 257# now.  I don't think the fill will allow me to gain all that much, but I would really feel proud if I would get on the right path.  I just watched The Biggest Loser this week, and saw the young boy that lost 30# in one week.  It can be done.  I can do it, I just have to make a plan.  I like that the band is always there, for whenever we're ready to get back on track.  There is no "window," and I know that when I get it together, the band is going to help me accomplish my goals.

Yep.  I had that heart to heart with my doc, and much to my surprise she listened and agreed to give me a fill.  So, six weeks post-op, I have 1cc in my band.  I can honestly say I don't feel any different, but I have read that it may not kick in until a while later, or perhaps nothing will change.  Either way, I feel a step closer to achieving restriction.  The scale moved a tad, and so my ticker officially notates a 26 pound loss.  I feel very good about that, at 6 weeks out.  Imagine what I could have done had I followed all of the rules precisely!!!  Nah, let's not think about that... we'll just focus on moving forward.  Baby steps.  I took some photos today, and I do believe I can see a bit of difference, and that feels mighty fine.  I hope this really works.  If it does, I will tell you this... If I can do it, ANYONE can.  That sounds cliche, I know.  I never believe that phrase when someone says it - it never really applied to me.  I am telling you, this 26 pound loss is somewhat of a miracle.  It has not been that long of a road, and that's a pretty nice number.  If you're considering weight loss surgery, I would strongly encourage you to give this a go before something less reversible. 

That's all she wrote...

So, today marks a month and a few days since my surgery.  I have lost 22 pounds, but it fluctuates between 20 and 24 pounds.  22 is the happy medium. 

I am waiting for my first fill, which is not scheduled until 12 weeks out of surgery... something rather rare compared to the stories on the board.  I am hoping to have a heart to heart with my doc, to see if she will consider my situation individually, and see that these 22 pounds came off WAAAAYYYY back at the start of surgery (pre-op, really) and that I am just fighting to keep them off, rather than to continue to lose.  I feel that I can eat anything.  I would say that I may have some type of restriction, as I cannot eat as much as I used to... or at least I am unwilling to push that far and find out.  I have really cut back on my soda intake, and so for all I know, the loss has come strictly from that.  I have had a couple carbonated drinks here and there, but truly, it is so much less than before.  I went a full 33 days with NONE, and only had a little on a sort of 3 day "binge," where I poured my dd's sippy cup half full and sipped from it slowly.  I have NOT ordered soda at a restaurant, and the little that I did have is now out of my house, so I really haven't had any more.  I feel really proud about that.

No one has noticed my weight loss, and that is difficult.  I can't blame people, though, because I hardly notice it myself.  My dh says that he definitely notices it along my sides and the backs of my legs, so those are odd places for other people to notice I guess.  I will say though, that 2 years ago I was at my highest weight ever - 289# - and today I weigh 259#... that is a THIRTY pound loss, and I may be the only person that knows it, but that really feels good.  I would think people would notice 30 pounds, but I guess if it comes off slowly enough, which it did, then maybe it's not very noteworthy. 

I do feel the treats creeping in.  A little chocolate here, a couple cookies there, etc.  That's why I really want these fills to get started.  I haven't made my mind up yet about what I think about this procedure.  I don't even feel like I've had surgery at this point, except for seeing my scars and feeling my port.  I really want the chance to feel restriction, and see some results.  I'm not yet seeing the 1 -2 pound weekly loss that I am supposed to be satisfied with.  I anxiously await that progress.

That's all for now.  I've lived to tell the story, and I am making baby steps in the right direction. 

The title says it all.  I have most definitely not met any of my mini-goals.  I did it for about a week and then I got irritated and thought to myself, "Why on earth would I do this now while I still have the choice to eat things that are bad for me???"  So, I haven't gone overboard, but I haven't changed my ways - the ways that got me here.  Today is Friday, and this coming Tuesday we leave for Disney World.  We return on the 11th, and then on the 16th I start my liquid pre-op diet.  The lady telling me about my pre-op scheduling said, "Now, don't over-do it on vacation."  Implying that I would eat like a pig.  That pissed me off, though I didn't realize it was an insult until after I hung up the phone.  Even if I wasn't obese, chances are I would gain weight on vacation because of eating out for every meal.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.  So, the 15th I have all the pre-op tests, which I'm not looking forward to.  Oddly enough, I am looking forward to the pre-op diet.  I know that in the 3rd day I will read this and think I'm an idiot for saying that, but I look forward to the weight loss and to proving to myself that I can do this.  So that's where I'm at right now.  As the date gets closer, I am sure I will be all frantic again.  For right now, I feel peaceful.

Okay, so today starts some changes.  I have a couple of mini goals that perhaps I will try harder to reach if I know that people are watching here.

1.  no drinks with meals
2. daily vitamin
3. no eating out during the week
4. no pop, except for Sunday... work with me people
5. increase water intake

Today I took my vitamin, and didn't drink with lunch.  I did drink the milk that was in my Kashi GoLean this morning, not sure if that counts.  Hard to get in the water bc the way I was getting water in prior to this was to drink a full glass while eating.  Somehow it went down easier bc I was thirsty while eating.  So this is tough.  No pop today.  Ugh.  This feels like a long road already.

Waiting for a date.  Should be the last Wednesday in February.  The holidays have my doc's office on hold.  Maybe I'll hear from them tomorrow.

Yup.  It came in the mail.  Not sure how to take it.  I may have secretly been wanting the wait time to slowly absorb what this will mean.  I am excited for losing weight, I am just afraid of signing up for something that may ultimately harm me.  I logically know that the statistics suggest that it won't, but I always think of those poor souls that make up the 1%, you know?  That's somebody, somebody that has a family and somebody that has someone that cares about them.  I need courage and a sense of peace about this.  I'm praying that it comes.  For those of you that are insanely jealous that I have been approved so quickly, I think it may help for me to hear from you. 

Whoa.  Can you say overwhelming?  I was very emotional and am very glad to have time to digest it all.  If I could do what the exercise therapist and nutritionist require, then I most certainly wouldn't need surgery.  The thought of the band eroding is terrifying me.  The thought of feeling the port is not sitting well.  The honesty of the doc admitting that there are no guarantees is scary.  I am actually thankful for the time it will take for insurance to respond.  I just need a minute to get it all straight in my head.

I had it in my mind that it was going to be 12/8/06, but I realize that it is TOMORROW!  This feels like a real step.