Flor_Bellas
Starting Over It’s the hardest thing to do, to admit to having failed at something and start all over. On July 28, 2005 I thought I was reborn. I was an adult survivor of child sexual abuse that left me with a lifetime of pain and trauma that I personally treated with food. Food was my drug and it helped me not to feel the pain of the many years of abuse and loss of innocence at such a young age (I was 6 when it started). After having been successfully treated for PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) I went South of the Border and got banded by one of the most respected doctors who has performed countless Lap-Band surgeries and has a wonderful following of “success stories”. I wasn’t one of them. Five months post-op I get engaged on New Year’s Eve 2005. Then 2 months after getting engaged having lost some 30 odd pounds I find out my mother who I was thiscloseto had a massive tumor in her brain. We were at a bridal expo to help me pick out my wedding dress when I realized something wasn’t right with mom and she wasn’t walking right. 36 hours after taking her to the emergency room a neurosurgeon finally accepts to treat her and admits her into Intensive Care. He happens to be the director of the neurosurgeons at the hospital; no one else would take my mother’s case due to the size and location of the tumor. Four days later after my mother’s very successful surgery we get the news that her tumor was one of many metastasis in her brain of the most aggressive type of lung cancer…2 to 3 months tops he gave her to live. A chemo doctor advises prolonging her life with quality with treatment but not to expect miracles. I hoped he was wrong and that there would be a miracle…the miracle was I had my mother for an additional 11 months before she passed away in her morphine induced sleep on her birthday January 7, 2007. During all this time all I could do was focus on taking care of every need she had and cramming as many memories as I could into the good days I had with her. Eating "band friendly"?…don’t know what that meant because I was too busy being positive and happy for mom. I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling and so I ate around the band. I didn’t want to think that mom wouldn’t be there to see me have the dream wedding we always planned I was going to have one day because after 2 failed marriages I finally found the right one. Then my fiancée’s mother who had been sick for the past 12 years but was stable took a turn for the worse and ended up needing rehabilitative care that neither he nor I could provide. She was in the hospital for a month then in a rehabilitative center for 2 months before we realized she was being neglected and she turned septic…died less than a week after being readmitted into the hospital. Before she passed away my fiancée’s nephew passed away from a car accident on October 31, 2006, his funeral was a week later. My fiancée’s mother passes away December 11, 2006 and my mother 3 weeks after that. During all this pain of seeing our mother’s dying over the holidays the last thing I thought about was eating healthy. I just shoved what I could to numb the emotions. During my mother’s funeral my fiancée asks me if I want to continue with the wedding plans and I said no, but I did want to start our lives together, however, I did not want the big hoopla we had planned. I buried my mother the next day after that conversation which happened to be my fiancée’s birthday January 12, 2007 and had a notary friend marry us three days after burying my mom. Simple. My bouquet was made from flowers of both mother’s funerals. It was touching…our mother’s were there in spirit. We then have the additional stress of a move into my mother-in-law’s house that she left us and we have been repairing it slowly due to time constrictions…I’m still living out of boxes for there is so much to sort. What to donate, what to keep and what to distribute among the family that loved her so much. Beautiful house just needs quite a bit of updating. Fast forward to late October 2007 and I am faced with the realization that I had failed my band miserably. My diabetes and hypertension has resurfaced and I know it’s got everything to do with my weight. At 5’ 1 ½“and 259 pounds I am not in the best of health. My hips hurt, my shoes are tight, my rings are uncomfortable, my clothes tight and I am left behind to deal with the pain of losing my mother, mother-in-law and nephew within weeks of each other and knowing I have to move on but not knowing how…so I eat, and eat, and eat. If all that wasn’t bad enough, my husband’s business (ironically a gym) has gone south. Another casualty of our economy. I bury myself in my studies but I feel like a fake. Here I am going to school to get a doctoral degree in psychology and I can’t even help myself. During my practicum I am self-conscious because I cannot feel comfortable in my seat, I’m wondering if my patient’s are judging me. And I judge myself…how can I possibly have so much knowledge about how the mind works and know what is needed to be done yet be completely helpless to help myself? It’s horrible what we can go through until we realize that we don’t have to do it alone. If my journey can one day help one person to keep the faith then I know my pain and suffering had a purpose. It’s hard to admit, but admit it I will. I should have gone the RNY route the first time. It’s hard to know I will have to go through the whole ordeal again. The pre-surgery diets, the surgery, the special diets post-op, etc. etc. I'm mostly afraid of any pain I may feel for I happen to have a very low tolerance for pain. I'm concered about the increased risks a second bariatric surgery entails. Tomorrow October 25, 2007 I am getting the entire fill (3 cc's) in my band removed. I’m miserable because I’m so bloated I can barely pass liquids. I have an appointment on November 15th, 2007with my new doctor here in Miami, at which time we will figure out how to get the ball rolling for my RNY surgery, I’m hoping for a date during the Christmas break. I’ll have time off from work and school and it will be perfect for recovering. Besides, I figure it's the best present I can give myself! If you’ve read this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my novella. Stay tuned…this is only the cliffhanger.
